I haven't written in so long because I started to express myself with my words in a improvised manner on video. It's so different than sitting here, writting, revising, and then coming up with a finished product. I get to contemplate things here, make sure I get the details I want jammed into the sentence. Where as if I want to say something live, I might not always convey the emotion or correct diction. It is incredibly challenging because the power of editing can't alter the actual recording. I can't add or tell myself to say something differently. All in all, it's a great process. I make a layout with notes and then wing the rest of it with a story, thought, or tangent. I am able to convey my messages better since people don't read as much as they watch things hours on end. I will stimulate an audience in many ways, music, literature, and entertainment through streaming content. I want to do it all, and do it well. I'm realizing my destiny every single day and the flame of my soul grows stronger as I accomplish my goals. What a magnificent time to be alive.
The reason I wanted to write today is because I've finally realized what it is to live. It came as a response to a discussion I had with someone, because I couldn't find the words to describe my thoughts on the subject until now. The way that I figured it out was looking at why people leave, and what you can do about it aside from closing up your heart. Life is about living in the moment and putting everything you have into someone or something. You know when you're in "love" or have a really good friendship? Well people are in your life for seasons as they say. And in those moments, people are incredibly genuine. Sure they might leave you once the season is over, but time stood still, and they were your world. Those memories are irreplaceable and that's the only way you'll lead a fulfilling life. I used to be bitter about people leaving me so often but I know I'll always choose to love someone than to be safe and not create new experiences.
You don't have to be alone in the cold world-- people can warm you with a compassionate soul. No one will be with you forever and it's something that you have to accept. What you can accept easier is that people want to be your friend, but you make them earn the right to understand you. You don't have to let them all in, just the ones that you find special. You don't have to be scared, there will always be someone to catch you, and it won't be a snake veiled behind a caring face. Don't revert; you're the one who told me to stop starting over. One step forward and two steps back right to where you started. No matter how much I try, it won't make a difference if you don't stop yourself. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me-- since you're so selfless, it would actually be a practical strategy to combat the madness that is your psyche.
Every experience is so special and precious to me. I remember every experience, every stranger, or whomever has graced me with their presence or time. I had a really heartwarming experience the other day. It made me really emotional because it's always the people who can't do anything for someone else that need the most help. I don't want to say "useless" but I think powerless or incapable is more fitting. Society labels them as handicap because they need special accommodations for everyday tasks that "normal" people could accomplish with no problem. I was almost done with my day at my first job at the ice cream shop, when suddenly I got a phone call from my second job. They asked me to come in, so I said why not since the rest of this year is just grind time with the focus on paying off my debt. So I get home, change, and head out to walk to work. As I'm about a block away-- I see him, Jawan. The block gets cut off on that street because there is a desert still due to no businesses being built yet. (side note, maybe I'll petition to complete the sidewalk in that area.) But I saw him in a electric wheelchair where the desert ends and the block begins. It was dark and it looked as if he was looking for someone to come along. So I crossed the street to him and the first thing that I learned was that he couldn't speak. I also noticed that he was missing a leg, poor guy. But what I thought at first was that the wheelchair was dead and that he couldn't drive over. Then I noticed that the sidewalk is way too high after the desert ends for the wheels to go over. So easy fix right? Just help him traverse the gap by pushing it. It wasn't possible because the wheels couldn't get enough traction or speed to make it. After about ten minutes of struggling because I wasn't really using my brain. I had to come up with a different strategy. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck it, you're strong enough to do this, time to shimmy!." Finally I managed to get it over and he looked so happy, and I told him that I needed to go to work so we could walk and talk. He showed me a number on his phone and I called his mother. She sounded hysterical so I just got to the point and said that her son will be at my work and that he's okay. I found out that he lost his voice from smoking and apparently no one came by to help him for a few hours (I found him him at around eight so it was already pretty dark at that point.) This experience made me realize that I need to learn sign language because it opens the possibility to help communicate with so many people. What ended up happening with Jawan is, apparently he ran away and everyone was looking for him all afternoon since he wasn't picking up his phone. Everyone was really mad at him and couldn't focus on the fact that they should be grateful that he was okay. I heard them shouting at him from inside my job so I went outside to make sure everything was okay. His mother started bawling her eyes out and thanking me. The genuine emotion and gratitude caught me off guard so I had to catch myself from tearing up. I was looking at Jawan's eyes while he was being scolded, and what I saw was a yearning for freedom and independence extinguished with the cold reality that it wouldn't be possible... It was really sad, but I gave him a handshake and told him to take care of himself, and that I know our paths would cross again. He smiled and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I altered the possibility of him being stranded all night.
I'm going to be using this again. I think I took a long enough break from sharing my experiences to learn that I need to document it for myself. The vlogs are special but it can't satisfy the yearning for writing. Till the next one, Namaste~
