4/8/18

Getting stronger, but still miserable. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with anything that I accomplish in life. Everyone is getting older and I still haven't made it. I always told myself that I want to be affluent so I could take care of my family and not have them worry about shit. After my last trip I was disgusted with myself. I'm still beating myself over it, but I suppose all that I went through last year has placed me in the position I am now. I honed my crafts of trucking, and playing poker. I can't wait to leave the house, but I'm conflicted because everything will be on my parents shoulders even more than it is now. Running away in pursuit of my happiness, and my proper home. Is it really the answer? I've free-loaded this long and still have nothing to show for it. Hanging out with everyone just shows me that I'm still the same old kid. Incredibly impulsive, irresponsible, and ultimately unreliable. These goals I set eventually get taken care of and accomplished, it's just a matter of time is my catch phrase. Then what happens when the punchline doesn't come through? You get back on the horse, again, and again. There is no answer besides continuing to push through. It's excruciating to continue living this cycle. I've been plagued by the saying, two steps forwards one step back. Still progress but it's as if there is a ball and chain connected to me. My self-sabotage will catch up to me eventually.