Desperately Grasping for a Future

I was so scared I couldn't log into my blogs anymore because blogspot got canned. That's how you know how long it's been since I've tried to write anything at all. Anyway, this is gonna be my 2020 post and 2019 wrap up. I've reached level 25 and I am officially disappointed at where I ended up. On the flip-side I am proud of forcing myself to relocate in order to save my life and live under the guise of being a productive adult.

I got my own place, almost paid off my car, have absolutely no furniture, and am still sleeping on my air-mattress. Although my kitchen has everything I could possibly need. I made over 100k this year and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I even had my mom's bail me out with a loan for 4k because I blew my relocation bonus. I've fixed my credit through this agency, and I also actually pay my debts back. Getting up to 650ish from 360-420 is definitely something I'm holding onto. Lots of regret and disgust for the decisions I've made, but you can't do anything with them but learn from it. I said I'd do a lot of things, and that's the main reason for my wallowing. I know what I'm capable of, and I achieved a fraction of that. There's always a flip-side because I know some people don't even reach their goals, let alone set any. So I will truely compare myself to my past self as a means to gauge progress.

My mentality is strong, you could say borderline unbreakable, but not when it comes to gambling. That's not the mindset you need, and that's where my problems have manifested. I love who I am when I'm on track and on point. Proud to look at the mirror and look people in the eyes. The moment I relapse, I fall into depressive episodes that I'm surprised I can get out of sometimes. I fall into escapism to cope, drowning in Japanese cartoons, video games, and most forms of binging. I want to cultivate these relationships I have. They're truely like plants or the gym, you have to put in to get anything back. Care and attentiveness is the only way you'll get results.

I never wrote actual goals for 2019 on my discord server because I had the backlog of the 2018 ones. So after skipping a year I will be making one again, I'll possibly post a screen shot after I compile it. I've always told myself 25 would be the limit of my headass-ary, so this is it, kid. Are we doing this thing or what? Are we making your family proud? Probably not because everyone has different aspirations for people. I'm not having a child until I find a good woman. I'm not going to lock myself into a mortgage payment. I will live 2 years minimum in Colorado. I will find myself and be completely honest with who I want to be. I will be a pillar of strength and a destination for those who yearn.

Freddy Martinez died a while ago with his delusions of grandeur about changing the world, but will be reborn into someone who sparks change from within his heart. A flicker that will spark and set ablaze this field of nihilistic apathetic weeds.

Midnight Introspection

Purchasing a twelve-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon was one of the best decisions I've ever mad. My affinity for drinking has grown exponentially. I've also been ingesting a copious amount of psychedelics in the past month, and I feel like I've made so much progress. I was going to write a trip report after watching my video of my trip. The only issue is that I can't get myself to watch it. I was babbling like an infant with no filter. Any thought came rushing through my mind and flowed through my mouth. I feel good, great even. This feeling of content has been long awaited, but I'm not going to sit here and talk about how happy I am, because I've identified that there is always something missing. I don't think I will ever truly be happy, or satisfied with anything that I do. Once I accomplish the things I wish to accomplish, I'm onto the next. It's disgusting that I have found myself in this postilion. I want to be content, I want to enjoy the minimal, but I've wired my brain in such a manner after all the bad habits. The psychedelics have been placed on a pedestal by me. Thinking or even believing that I'm not capable of achieving these breakthroughs using my own psyche. I suppose the most paramount breakthrough I've made is finally internalizing that life is about the journey and not the destination. Taking it all in, enjoying it, hating it, going through all the ups and down that have blessed my breathing vessel. Every pulse that courses through me is a gift not to be taken for granted. My issue is that I sit here, spewing my hypocrisy. I want it now, my instant gratification needs to be settled. Sex, drugs, food. Give me all the chemicals I can possibly distribute through my brain. Dopamine is my queen now. I want to continue to make breakthroughs but I've never be satisfied. I must identify how to conquer this glutton in me. Maybe that's where my issue is. Constantly trying to stick my manhood into things and handling it that way. Accepting who I am is easy to say but nearly impossible to do. I'm a self-driven, egotistic, go-getter and I have no way of stopping it. I love being a lazy ass, constantly rushing because I push my limits to the very max. My creative process is plagued by being as fickle as lady luck. One day I'll buckle down, but today is not the day and that's okay.

All or nothing-- Finally.

I didn't realize the severity of the situation that involved pitting the possible love of my life, and best friend on the line for my gambling. It's sinking in after the alcohol settled. I mentioned it before, but I didn't get the reception that I was looking for. It was me, pleading to myself to create some stakes. High stakes, risks, and pitting it all on a chance is how I've learned to live my life. Hard work and consistency have never been something I was good at. I searched for a career choice that I could excel at, but here I go burning up my money because I lack the only skill left to master-- patience. I'm terrified about losing you, but I it's time to put my money where my mouth it. Six months sounds like an eternity to me. My heart rate begins to rise when I think of it happening. I know I'm capable of letting the monster take over and blow everything that I've worked for. In terms of odds, I think a clear minded, and broke Freddy has a chance to overcome this easily, but once the money starts coming in again, it begins to get difficult. Difficult to fight the voices telling me to go, shuffle some chips and get to work-- you know you'll get lucky, you always do. I'm going to do my best to not ruin one of the most precious things to me. I can't chalk up how much disdain I have for being so dramatic. I can do this. I know I can. The only positive my mind can come up with is how much I'll actually be able to save.

4/8/18

Getting stronger, but still miserable. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with anything that I accomplish in life. Everyone is getting older and I still haven't made it. I always told myself that I want to be affluent so I could take care of my family and not have them worry about shit. After my last trip I was disgusted with myself. I'm still beating myself over it, but I suppose all that I went through last year has placed me in the position I am now. I honed my crafts of trucking, and playing poker. I can't wait to leave the house, but I'm conflicted because everything will be on my parents shoulders even more than it is now. Running away in pursuit of my happiness, and my proper home. Is it really the answer? I've free-loaded this long and still have nothing to show for it. Hanging out with everyone just shows me that I'm still the same old kid. Incredibly impulsive, irresponsible, and ultimately unreliable. These goals I set eventually get taken care of and accomplished, it's just a matter of time is my catch phrase. Then what happens when the punchline doesn't come through? You get back on the horse, again, and again. There is no answer besides continuing to push through. It's excruciating to continue living this cycle. I've been plagued by the saying, two steps forwards one step back. Still progress but it's as if there is a ball and chain connected to me. My self-sabotage will catch up to me eventually.

Somber Bike Rides

Hello my old friend. Seems like an eternity since I've seen your face.I'm not in a predicament aside from the quicksand created by my shortcomings. At least it's never boring, right?

I'm on my way to living the life I want to live. I just keep hitting these pesky road blocks. I have everything under control for the most part. Got a new job, proved I can grind the live poker sessions successfully, and continue nurturing my relationships. Becoming more responsible, but I still have a few more months to get this system smooth. I am happy. I just finished riding my bike because I said I would. Watching Ping Pong made me realize I can't shake this feeling of being a hero. I wasn't blessed with high stature, or giant muscles, but I can make due with my actions. I want to continue living how I'm living because it's the only way I can see myself being an inspirational individual. There was no goal with this post but I wanted to add another marker on this aimless blog. Reading the past entries really got to me, and added even more weight to my progress.

I took a big hit last Thursday because I donked off my baby bankroll after being tilted from busting out of tournament. I have a new policy when it comes to that so I can put my countermeasures to work. It was just frustrating wasting my week and a half worth of progress in one night. I know it's not the first time but I thought I put it past myself. My tilted alter-ego is very powerful, and can be the demise of me if I feed it. I identified my depression habits because it was so obvious. I haven't busted out and felt like a total loser in a long time. I binge on everything in sight-- food, alcohol, anime, and just self-indulgent behavior. I've set out my goals for the next 3-4 months and I plan on hitting all of them. Cheers to taming the beast. Going to try to run up my last 80 dollars tonight. I know it's a terrible idea, but if I don't do it now, there is no monies until Wednesday. Ganbette!

So close you can taste it

It's been too long since I've vomited onto this blank space.

I'm... Okay. I'm still struggling internally with everything every second of the day. I've been going back to smoking once a month or so to make sure it's out of my system come drug tests. I've been smoking cigarettes a lot more and vaping. Nicotine has a considerable hold onto my balls at this point. I definitely need stimulants and I've come to terms with it. Moderation is not something that seems compatible. Ah moderation, the driving reason for my downward spiral in every avenue. I've gone from accepting my compulsive gambling problem to trying to turn it around and making it work for me. It's so fucking difficult. It's ruined my fucking life, but it’s not going to be another thing I give up on. It's changed who I am as a person. I can't even sit still sometimes without losing my mind thinking of the terrible decisions I’ve made. I truly feel as if something takes over sometimes. I've been getting closer and closer to being able to get up and identifying my limits. I would say a few more months of sticking to my plans and I’ll get a proper profitable system down.


During my truck driving schooling my mom brought something to light that I didn't occur to me but I've felt it for a while. She asked what happened to me, because I used to be so smart. It took a bit to set in but it finally hit me. I went home for the weekend, and I forgot the two mandatory necessities-- my paper license and medical paperwork. Thankfully she came in clutch and drove the hour and a half just to drop it off. What happened to me is that my carelessness hasn't gotten any better with age. It's grown significantly worse. I used to be able to focus and stay driven, but my attention span and short term is abysmal now. This cycle of failures and inconsistencies built a subconscious impasse that I can’t blast through. It’s made me live so lethargically and that’s nowhere near who I am or even want to be. I wanted to do so many things in the past. I’ve accepted that I'm not going to change the world in a magnificent way. Shit at this point I just want to wake up and be genuinely happy. I’ve learned that it manifests when I help people. It’s definitely a double edged sword since I’ve pushed everyone away and I ultimately needed them. I went to meet up with some good friends I haven’t seen in a while and it really lightened my mood up. Then it dropped back down because the discussion focused on my stream. They just reinforced what I already know and made me kick myself in the ass more. I built my baby up and just let it crumble. I could’ve transitioned into commentary to add to the growing audience. It’s extra salt in the wounds seeing everyone achieving the success that could’ve been mine if I stuck with it, but alas, it’s time to move on. It will definitely be on the list of goals for the future, but I have to build myself up to that point.

Schism

So much has happened and I've neglected what seems to be everything... Especially myself. I've pushed aside how I feel and that's where my self expression was funneled into content. I neglect and then pour into writings or recordings. Since I stopped doing that again I've felt this overwhelming apathy. Maybe I could even say sadness. I've buried myself in debt via payday loans and credit thinking that I was going to get rich quick. Here's the kicker-- I did, and then threw it away every single time. I've discovered an unrelenting greed deep within my heart. I want it all and it shows in my decisions. Every session I've made plenty of money for someone to say, "I'm good, I'll probably be going now." No, not fucking Freddy. Of course you have to have more, and potentially lose it all. Every. Fucking. Time. I dedicated this year subconsciously and actively to gambling. I understand Poker and Blackjack exponentially, and I can profit on each respectively. The only downside is that you're gambling, and when there is a random outcome, there is no always winning. I get so full of myself thinking that I'm unstoppable.


Not to dwell too much on that, although it has been the main cause of my strife. I fucked up one too many times at work, and I had to step down from leadership. I feel empty when I go to work now. I mattered before, I made decisions, and held it down. Even if I don't feel complete anymore, I learned once again that my carelessness will be the death of me. It will follow me until I die if I don't get it under control. "chill" is one of my favorite expressions because I don't think life is that serious. The thing is you have to adjust when the time comes. Sure it really isn't that serious in reality, but when you're not in a position of power, you fucking handle it. You were always too serious, and overly cautious with everyday being a test. It showed, and reminded me everyday that I don't want to end up like that. I show up, do my job, and try not to be a complete lazy ass. Lets stay a year or more and start looking again. I truly want to pursue poker and gambling but there needs to be such a refinement on my self control for it to work out.

I got a new car recently and I think it's exactly what I need. It's going to keep me structured, because I'll have to be absolutely committed, because I can't push off payments. I was thinking recently to filing bankruptcy, but in the grand scheme of everything, I'm not even that deep. Drowning is how I've described the past few months. Having the floatation device puncture on me and slowly spit out the air inside-- tossing me to the depths of the sea with no return. I've let myself go again. I let everything get to me and eat away. Stop letting it happen. Stop faltering. I've said it countless times every time. Stop fucking faltering. Stop making shitty decisions when you know the answers. I know the pieces fit...