Midnight Introspection

Purchasing a twelve-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon was one of the best decisions I've ever mad. My affinity for drinking has grown exponentially. I've also been ingesting a copious amount of psychedelics in the past month, and I feel like I've made so much progress. I was going to write a trip report after watching my video of my trip. The only issue is that I can't get myself to watch it. I was babbling like an infant with no filter. Any thought came rushing through my mind and flowed through my mouth. I feel good, great even. This feeling of content has been long awaited, but I'm not going to sit here and talk about how happy I am, because I've identified that there is always something missing. I don't think I will ever truly be happy, or satisfied with anything that I do. Once I accomplish the things I wish to accomplish, I'm onto the next. It's disgusting that I have found myself in this postilion. I want to be content, I want to enjoy the minimal, but I've wired my brain in such a manner after all the bad habits. The psychedelics have been placed on a pedestal by me. Thinking or even believing that I'm not capable of achieving these breakthroughs using my own psyche. I suppose the most paramount breakthrough I've made is finally internalizing that life is about the journey and not the destination. Taking it all in, enjoying it, hating it, going through all the ups and down that have blessed my breathing vessel. Every pulse that courses through me is a gift not to be taken for granted. My issue is that I sit here, spewing my hypocrisy. I want it now, my instant gratification needs to be settled. Sex, drugs, food. Give me all the chemicals I can possibly distribute through my brain. Dopamine is my queen now. I want to continue to make breakthroughs but I've never be satisfied. I must identify how to conquer this glutton in me. Maybe that's where my issue is. Constantly trying to stick my manhood into things and handling it that way. Accepting who I am is easy to say but nearly impossible to do. I'm a self-driven, egotistic, go-getter and I have no way of stopping it. I love being a lazy ass, constantly rushing because I push my limits to the very max. My creative process is plagued by being as fickle as lady luck. One day I'll buckle down, but today is not the day and that's okay.

All or nothing-- Finally.

I didn't realize the severity of the situation that involved pitting the possible love of my life, and best friend on the line for my gambling. It's sinking in after the alcohol settled. I mentioned it before, but I didn't get the reception that I was looking for. It was me, pleading to myself to create some stakes. High stakes, risks, and pitting it all on a chance is how I've learned to live my life. Hard work and consistency have never been something I was good at. I searched for a career choice that I could excel at, but here I go burning up my money because I lack the only skill left to master-- patience. I'm terrified about losing you, but I it's time to put my money where my mouth it. Six months sounds like an eternity to me. My heart rate begins to rise when I think of it happening. I know I'm capable of letting the monster take over and blow everything that I've worked for. In terms of odds, I think a clear minded, and broke Freddy has a chance to overcome this easily, but once the money starts coming in again, it begins to get difficult. Difficult to fight the voices telling me to go, shuffle some chips and get to work-- you know you'll get lucky, you always do. I'm going to do my best to not ruin one of the most precious things to me. I can't chalk up how much disdain I have for being so dramatic. I can do this. I know I can. The only positive my mind can come up with is how much I'll actually be able to save.

4/8/18

Getting stronger, but still miserable. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with anything that I accomplish in life. Everyone is getting older and I still haven't made it. I always told myself that I want to be affluent so I could take care of my family and not have them worry about shit. After my last trip I was disgusted with myself. I'm still beating myself over it, but I suppose all that I went through last year has placed me in the position I am now. I honed my crafts of trucking, and playing poker. I can't wait to leave the house, but I'm conflicted because everything will be on my parents shoulders even more than it is now. Running away in pursuit of my happiness, and my proper home. Is it really the answer? I've free-loaded this long and still have nothing to show for it. Hanging out with everyone just shows me that I'm still the same old kid. Incredibly impulsive, irresponsible, and ultimately unreliable. These goals I set eventually get taken care of and accomplished, it's just a matter of time is my catch phrase. Then what happens when the punchline doesn't come through? You get back on the horse, again, and again. There is no answer besides continuing to push through. It's excruciating to continue living this cycle. I've been plagued by the saying, two steps forwards one step back. Still progress but it's as if there is a ball and chain connected to me. My self-sabotage will catch up to me eventually.

Somber Bike Rides

Hello my old friend. Seems like an eternity since I've seen your face.I'm not in a predicament aside from the quicksand created by my shortcomings. At least it's never boring, right?

I'm on my way to living the life I want to live. I just keep hitting these pesky road blocks. I have everything under control for the most part. Got a new job, proved I can grind the live poker sessions successfully, and continue nurturing my relationships. Becoming more responsible, but I still have a few more months to get this system smooth. I am happy. I just finished riding my bike because I said I would. Watching Ping Pong made me realize I can't shake this feeling of being a hero. I wasn't blessed with high stature, or giant muscles, but I can make due with my actions. I want to continue living how I'm living because it's the only way I can see myself being an inspirational individual. There was no goal with this post but I wanted to add another marker on this aimless blog. Reading the past entries really got to me, and added even more weight to my progress.

I took a big hit last Thursday because I donked off my baby bankroll after being tilted from busting out of tournament. I have a new policy when it comes to that so I can put my countermeasures to work. It was just frustrating wasting my week and a half worth of progress in one night. I know it's not the first time but I thought I put it past myself. My tilted alter-ego is very powerful, and can be the demise of me if I feed it. I identified my depression habits because it was so obvious. I haven't busted out and felt like a total loser in a long time. I binge on everything in sight-- food, alcohol, anime, and just self-indulgent behavior. I've set out my goals for the next 3-4 months and I plan on hitting all of them. Cheers to taming the beast. Going to try to run up my last 80 dollars tonight. I know it's a terrible idea, but if I don't do it now, there is no monies until Wednesday. Ganbette!