Schism

So much has happened and I've neglected what seems to be everything... Especially myself. I've pushed aside how I feel and that's where my self expression was funneled into content. I neglect and then pour into writings or recordings. Since I stopped doing that again I've felt this overwhelming apathy. Maybe I could even say sadness. I've buried myself in debt via payday loans and credit thinking that I was going to get rich quick. Here's the kicker-- I did, and then threw it away every single time. I've discovered an unrelenting greed deep within my heart. I want it all and it shows in my decisions. Every session I've made plenty of money for someone to say, "I'm good, I'll probably be going now." No, not fucking Freddy. Of course you have to have more, and potentially lose it all. Every. Fucking. Time. I dedicated this year subconsciously and actively to gambling. I understand Poker and Blackjack exponentially, and I can profit on each respectively. The only downside is that you're gambling, and when there is a random outcome, there is no always winning. I get so full of myself thinking that I'm unstoppable.


Not to dwell too much on that, although it has been the main cause of my strife. I fucked up one too many times at work, and I had to step down from leadership. I feel empty when I go to work now. I mattered before, I made decisions, and held it down. Even if I don't feel complete anymore, I learned once again that my carelessness will be the death of me. It will follow me until I die if I don't get it under control. "chill" is one of my favorite expressions because I don't think life is that serious. The thing is you have to adjust when the time comes. Sure it really isn't that serious in reality, but when you're not in a position of power, you fucking handle it. You were always too serious, and overly cautious with everyday being a test. It showed, and reminded me everyday that I don't want to end up like that. I show up, do my job, and try not to be a complete lazy ass. Lets stay a year or more and start looking again. I truly want to pursue poker and gambling but there needs to be such a refinement on my self control for it to work out.

I got a new car recently and I think it's exactly what I need. It's going to keep me structured, because I'll have to be absolutely committed, because I can't push off payments. I was thinking recently to filing bankruptcy, but in the grand scheme of everything, I'm not even that deep. Drowning is how I've described the past few months. Having the floatation device puncture on me and slowly spit out the air inside-- tossing me to the depths of the sea with no return. I've let myself go again. I let everything get to me and eat away. Stop letting it happen. Stop faltering. I've said it countless times every time. Stop fucking faltering. Stop making shitty decisions when you know the answers. I know the pieces fit...

The Conscious Reanimation 1/11/16

Lets see where this takes us tonight...


I don't want to entertain anymore. I want to fall off the grid, dive into a trade, and enrich my livelihood. Here's the kicker: I can't. I have to be realistic, because you can't just disappear. I'm not there yet and I'm incredibly far from it. So the next best thing? Accomplish that new found skill or knowledge while I'm living the hectic life. The illusion that is one's perception of themselves has been revealed to me through all the content I've created. In reality I was never critical of myself. Sure, I was conscious of my mistakes, and the bad habits that formed-- that's everyone though. Successful people pinpoint the errors and fix it. Let this be my red pen to the pages. I will edit my life, logically, and permanently. There won't be anymore room for setbacks. It's time to grow up and get shit done. That doesn't necessarily mean i can't have fun anymore, but things have to change. I am in the situation that I'm at because the decisions I made, my own actions, and I've chosen to be bad. I'm constantly torn between making decisions, therefore I never get anything done. Sure I want to do this, and that, but what will I actually accomplish if I don't sit down and work at it? The master of beginning and never finishing. The sad reality that occurred recently was that I find comfort in food because it's the only thing I can actually finish. It's easy. I gravitate to things that are easy, and not better. Why challenge my brain? What are the benefits when I could partake in this activity that stimulates me and tricks myself into believing that I'm accomplishing something? It's time to do things I love-- which will not be disclosed, because I want to be sure of it in my heart. When I get to the paper I lie to myself, telling myself things I want to hear or do, but this is no longer the case. I still struggle to not succumb to choking in dire situations... My heart rate pulsates sporadically , my hands tremble, my left eye begins twitching, and my decision making gets hazy. I make remarks to let it out--to get the nervousness to go away. If I can't conquer it, then I'll accomplish it by bluffing until it becomes a reality, right? No more saying things you don't mean, because we're tackling it all. Say no, and mean it. Today will be the last day being bad. This is not a new-years resolution. This is a conscious effort at becoming a better person, and staying that way. There is no time limit or price you can put on it. I will think smarter, make better decisions, and cash in on opportunities when they are presented to me. The hardest step is the first, then the one after that, and the one after that is even harder. I know I'm going to fuck up, a lot, but it doesn't mean I failed. I'll just be closer and closer to who and where I want to be. Lets go Freddy-- the world is waiting for you.