I hate opening this page... I know I need to jot down things for the digital records, but I don't want to because I can never finish it. I've been writing heavily in my journal, but it's a different outlet than this blog. I can't drop the intimacies of my brain here. It's not safe-- it's prone to be scrutinized and exploited. It's been a little more than a year since I've written the first entry during my father's passing. So much has unfolded in front of me, and it won't stop. Life has no constants unless you put in endless amounts of nurturing and effort. Quite frankly... I don't care anymore. If things fall through, they'll fall through. I put in my time and work. Hopefully past relationships can come around again, but it's so high maintenance. These drugs really fucked me up. I'll be the first to admit it, unfortunately. My perception has been altered exponentially. Now it sounds as if I'm putting a negative light on it, but it's indeed a positive one. I've finally had it with negative relationships, and things not going the way I want them to go. You don't like something? Do something about it. You don't like someone? Get rid of them. You are the master of what happens in life. If you wallow away in self-pity, guess what happens? N o t h i n g. Get the fuck up and do something. I'm so fucking tired of seeing so many people do nothing because they don't want to, or are too scared to live. That's what life is; you fail, fail, fail, and most likely fail again. Then finally you're at the end, and you ask yourself: "why go on?" You're destined to be great! Why limit yourself because of mental instabilities? You must break through. I've finished giving up. 2015 was the year to figure it all out, and the funny part is that I actually haven't figured out much, but I'm finally on the road to self-fulfillment. It's great, because I've finally learned how to be alive. Sure, maybe I've discovered how possessive, controlling, and how prone I am to stimulants because of my addictive personality. All negatives for the most part, but that's me, it's who makes me Freddy "Pragmag" Martinez. A big-hearted, generous, and ultimately shit-headed individual with good intentions. I've accepted that I will self-sabotage relationships subconsciously, because I know I don't want to hurt people with giving them false hope. It's an easy cop-out to fall back on my biological father being a suave guy who just slept around and lived a life of no commitment. But the more and more that time goes on, I realize that's what's going to happen. Maybe I will find someone, quite possibly even the "one". The thing is, I don't even believe in that anymore. You just settle for who makes your heart pump and your cock thump.
2016 is going to be filled with new adventures, sights, and people to share good times with. I will only come closer to who I want to be. The real me, the one who reflects my passionate soul that burns for the opportunity to help people. What a time to be alive.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
SoCal Regionals Recap & Thoughts
I have never felt this sick to my stomach in my life before. I lost last round, last game, and last pixel. It was the scramble and I chocked. I lost my composure and freaked out, because Zangief is a fucking monster. You can never stand still against him, because he will close the gap if you get comfortable. I played so well... I practiced hours on end to figure out the ins-and-outs of the matchup.
Then I failed.
I didn't get to move on and possibly play Momochi on the stream. I was so fucking disappointed in myself, and got to a really bad place mentally. I felt so fucking defeated and the only thing I could think of was to put on my headphones and blast music. I wanted to quit Street Fighter at that exact moment. I wished I could get back all the time, money, and effort I had put into the game. What a fucking joke. Just before I was ready to wallow in perpetual self-pity, I got called for my second match in the losers bracket. Lo and behold-- a fellow Dudley appeared! I chuckled to myself, because I thought it was exactly what I needed to combat my mental-suicide. This is my most played and well known match-up. We were about the same skill level, with my pressure proving to be stronger. The slug-fest was quite a spectacle, because it was such a messy looking match. I won, and we shared some words after. So I thought to myself, "cool, I can still make it out of pools if I try hard enough." Then my next match ended so quickly because I was put on tilt so fast by this Rose player. That match-up forces something inside me to crack from the foundation. All she does is run, run, and poke at you until you're frustrated. I have so many tools to deal with her but she still proves to be a persistent nuisance. The mentality came again and I had to leave the venue to cool off. Constant defeat is a concept that I've tried to understand how to combat effectively, but it will always take a toll on your psyche. The thing that I've taken from it all is that you have to come back stronger. Blast through the glass ceiling that are your limitations. You can't give up, because you'll have wasted the opportunity to be the best you could be.
After recovering, I went to go watch the stream matches, and I never would've imagined what I was about to discover. The side-bets that take place during these matches is so entertaining. I became engulfed in these gambling sessions. I was so engaged by the matches because my money was riding on it. The energy conjured up by cheering for your player to provide positive energy is impossible to understand unless you were there. I amassed so much money betting on the ponies. I realized at that moment that gambling was now on my radar for possible addictions to be wary of. Taking money from top players that I have been watching for years was so fucking satisfying. To add to this, I truly believe I have luck on my side when it comes to 50/50's. I was putting gas when I stopped for a slushie, and I decided to buy a scratcher when I was checking out. I paid five dollars and I got fifty bucks! I was so excited that I offered the clerk five bucks because he told me to buy that brand of scratcher. I actually bought another one when I got home because I stopped at the bank, and I believe I got ten bucks but I'll scan it later and find out. I won't become addicted to gambling, but there is definitely money to be made with smart bets.
I started money matching and playing random people, and I'm good. My character needs to get in, stay in, and I need to work on not dropping shit. I will prepare regimes for specific scenarios and also on specific characters. All I'm missing now is experience, and it's painstakingly obvious. I will become a top player in this year to come because I am surrounded by enough talent that I have no reason but lack of dedication. I'm so close that I can taste it.
The event itself was alright. The lack of set-ups and the fact that it was PS4 was a bummer. I literally used my stick about an hour then the rest of the matches were everyone's stick but mine. One thing that really bothered me all tournament was that there was this girl who works as a translator for Japanese ports, and I was so reluctant to go up and talk to her. I talked to her during SCR Prelude 2 and it was nice, but I just feel like a lame trying to be thirsty during a convention type setting. I think she was expecting me to go up and talk to her because we kept finding ourselves locking gazes and quickly shifting our vision in embarrassment. This was definitely my biggest regret, because I always tell myself to not go for it for some reason. There were three days to at least approach her, and make an effort. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm still in the transitional period of moving on mentally, or an actual lack in confidence on my approach-game. I had such a fucking blast though. I am so glad that my circle is full of quality people. One problem I always ran into were making friends with people who didn't have my best interests in mind like I did for them. I will continue to travel with these people and we will continue to help each other along the way. Next major is in San Diego and we're already in talks for another trip.
Oh, wow, I almost forgot to touch on Street Fighter V! The game is ridiculously fun, and I actually was gate-keeper for a few sets. R. Mika is ridiculously strong and I had a blast having a 50/50 grab game. the pace of the game is so strange. I feel as though my lack of fundamentals definitely shows because it's a footsie-orientated game. But it feels about .7 faster than Ultra. I'm incredibly excited that I got the opportunity to play Laura too! She was really strange. I honestly feel as though there are way too many grapplers in this game already. She definitely feels unique to the franchise though. The no hard knock-downs is also something that you need to get used to. Hopefully when it comes out I'll be able to stream it efficiently!
Then I failed.
I didn't get to move on and possibly play Momochi on the stream. I was so fucking disappointed in myself, and got to a really bad place mentally. I felt so fucking defeated and the only thing I could think of was to put on my headphones and blast music. I wanted to quit Street Fighter at that exact moment. I wished I could get back all the time, money, and effort I had put into the game. What a fucking joke. Just before I was ready to wallow in perpetual self-pity, I got called for my second match in the losers bracket. Lo and behold-- a fellow Dudley appeared! I chuckled to myself, because I thought it was exactly what I needed to combat my mental-suicide. This is my most played and well known match-up. We were about the same skill level, with my pressure proving to be stronger. The slug-fest was quite a spectacle, because it was such a messy looking match. I won, and we shared some words after. So I thought to myself, "cool, I can still make it out of pools if I try hard enough." Then my next match ended so quickly because I was put on tilt so fast by this Rose player. That match-up forces something inside me to crack from the foundation. All she does is run, run, and poke at you until you're frustrated. I have so many tools to deal with her but she still proves to be a persistent nuisance. The mentality came again and I had to leave the venue to cool off. Constant defeat is a concept that I've tried to understand how to combat effectively, but it will always take a toll on your psyche. The thing that I've taken from it all is that you have to come back stronger. Blast through the glass ceiling that are your limitations. You can't give up, because you'll have wasted the opportunity to be the best you could be.
After recovering, I went to go watch the stream matches, and I never would've imagined what I was about to discover. The side-bets that take place during these matches is so entertaining. I became engulfed in these gambling sessions. I was so engaged by the matches because my money was riding on it. The energy conjured up by cheering for your player to provide positive energy is impossible to understand unless you were there. I amassed so much money betting on the ponies. I realized at that moment that gambling was now on my radar for possible addictions to be wary of. Taking money from top players that I have been watching for years was so fucking satisfying. To add to this, I truly believe I have luck on my side when it comes to 50/50's. I was putting gas when I stopped for a slushie, and I decided to buy a scratcher when I was checking out. I paid five dollars and I got fifty bucks! I was so excited that I offered the clerk five bucks because he told me to buy that brand of scratcher. I actually bought another one when I got home because I stopped at the bank, and I believe I got ten bucks but I'll scan it later and find out. I won't become addicted to gambling, but there is definitely money to be made with smart bets.
I started money matching and playing random people, and I'm good. My character needs to get in, stay in, and I need to work on not dropping shit. I will prepare regimes for specific scenarios and also on specific characters. All I'm missing now is experience, and it's painstakingly obvious. I will become a top player in this year to come because I am surrounded by enough talent that I have no reason but lack of dedication. I'm so close that I can taste it.
The event itself was alright. The lack of set-ups and the fact that it was PS4 was a bummer. I literally used my stick about an hour then the rest of the matches were everyone's stick but mine. One thing that really bothered me all tournament was that there was this girl who works as a translator for Japanese ports, and I was so reluctant to go up and talk to her. I talked to her during SCR Prelude 2 and it was nice, but I just feel like a lame trying to be thirsty during a convention type setting. I think she was expecting me to go up and talk to her because we kept finding ourselves locking gazes and quickly shifting our vision in embarrassment. This was definitely my biggest regret, because I always tell myself to not go for it for some reason. There were three days to at least approach her, and make an effort. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm still in the transitional period of moving on mentally, or an actual lack in confidence on my approach-game. I had such a fucking blast though. I am so glad that my circle is full of quality people. One problem I always ran into were making friends with people who didn't have my best interests in mind like I did for them. I will continue to travel with these people and we will continue to help each other along the way. Next major is in San Diego and we're already in talks for another trip.
Oh, wow, I almost forgot to touch on Street Fighter V! The game is ridiculously fun, and I actually was gate-keeper for a few sets. R. Mika is ridiculously strong and I had a blast having a 50/50 grab game. the pace of the game is so strange. I feel as though my lack of fundamentals definitely shows because it's a footsie-orientated game. But it feels about .7 faster than Ultra. I'm incredibly excited that I got the opportunity to play Laura too! She was really strange. I honestly feel as though there are way too many grapplers in this game already. She definitely feels unique to the franchise though. The no hard knock-downs is also something that you need to get used to. Hopefully when it comes out I'll be able to stream it efficiently!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
2015 Thus Far: The Year of Creative Destruction
I am always so reluctant to write, but I know it's always the answer. You are the master, because you choose what to put down, and how to dissect it-- it's magical. The ability to portray words, emotions, experiences and even have someone connect or be moved by it. I've always wanted to do something but I've never figured it out completely. I never had people tell me you could be good at something, so I always felt mediocre because that's what I produced. I put a certain amount of effort into things, failed, and then told myself that there wasn't anything I could do about it. I fell into complacency with the ol', "oh at least I tried" bullshit. I continued the cycle until I was old enough to realize that that's not how you get anywhere. The only way you get good at something is when you become tenacious, and grow hungrier by overcoming the boredom and failures. I've said it time and time before, but I'm too stubborn to accept things sometimes. Mastery by Robert Greene has shown me so much already. It's a perfect book for my current situation. I'm learning about learning. I'm not even half-way through and already I'm being shown the secrets to learning and the way that "masters" had acquired their place in history. The biggest lesson so far is you must find what makes you happy. It's reminiscent to that child-like excitement and sense of wonder. If you are doing something that fills you with the joy of a child, then that is where you must pursue that career. With that knowledge I realized that I don't really find that feeling until I stimulate myself with conversation and intimacy with people. Growing relationships and putting your soul into someone because you care for them. I've come to realize that that is my forte: human relations. I'm both an extrovert and introvert. I love to expend my energy while hanging out, and putting my all into the day. Then I also like just cuddling up in bed and watching a movie or reading a good book. Both are essential to survive or else you'll burn out, which I discovered later in life. You can't give too much of yourself or else you'll just grow bitter or get too accustomed to the life style. Where I’m getting with this is that I've finally realized what I want to study. I think the ever so fascinating creatures that have plagued this world with its existence will be where I find my career. No psychology, because I can help people with their problems without a degree. I've realized that I actually want to go back to school, while focusing on sociology or human resources. I've been going around life so wrong this year. I'm sitting back reading my notes, my blogs, my videos. All the information that I said I would keep so I wouldn't falter in my goals. The harsh reality is that I failed at all of them... Again. I didn't save like I wanted to. I didn't repair my relationship or focus on my family. I didn't become a top player, or the west coast Dudley. I haven't even taken the damn singing lessons, or touched the bass for more than an hour. Here is where it's not just a whiny ass entry. I tried and I have a lot of time to continue what I'm doing. I took the right steps towards all of these things.
I think I've realized my problem with the direction I’ve been leading. The constant attempts at accelerating where I want to be. Hard work and planning should be the only ingredients involved. I have always tried to get ahead and then I ponder why I failed. Selling drugs, and being too pushy because it's not going my way with a relationship. Credit is the biggest lesson I've learned this year. You want something that you don't have the resources to buy yet. So you take the hit, because you'll eventually pay it off. The downside is that you'll actually pay more because you didn't end up saving for it instead. I constantly search for opportunities instead of relying on what has been given and working with my resources at hand. The passage that stood out to me the most in The Alchemist was, "Never bargain with someone using something that you don’t yet possess." The reason it resonated was because that's what I've been doing in every aspect of my life. I sit there negotiating with false promises and hopes such as a place to stay or using the word soon. I don't have anything to my name besides a damn red bull machine and a computer. I know I shouldn't be so materialistic but I have to work on not being in such a shitty situation.
I am trapped in this house and my situation will only get better by leaving everything. I want to, but I can't carry out these decisions with no capital. I also realized that my family is hurting my mentality so damn much. I always want a symbiotic relationship in life-- you help me and I'll help you-- good right? Well for some reason I can't ever get that from my family. You hold things over me, and you always want to feel so powerful when you take things away. I wonder how much of a rise you would get if I finally said you're right. I hate constantly having to prove that I'm not doing any drugs. I'm not even willing to have a discussion on the matter because you already have your pre-conceived notion that I'm high. You don't understand anything and never really have. The main reason and I've been wanting to leave because I've been suffocating. No longer are my thoughts clear. I just feel like an angsty teen all over again. I leave the house in search of clarity and to read. I was going to dip out on the loan I graciously received but then I remembered that I said I would pay it off regardless of what happens. Now I know what I have to do and how to get there. There are no more excuses. I am going to be twenty-one and I'm not going to be a burn out. I will buckle down and handle business. I will continue to pursue things and I’ll jot them down. It’s actually endearing because I told myself this almost a year ago and I feel good about it.
Finances: Put any amount of money you can into Chase and savings. Goal every months is to have at least 200 in each one by the end of the months.
Work: I told myself I would not be making minimum wage by the end of the year. If not, it’s okay. Continue looking and network more at work. Make the most of the position that you’re at. My hours are set so it opens room for schooling.
School: Debate with myself and decide if I’ll knuckle down to knock out classes.
Transportation: Save for Saul’s bike. Purchase any time before February. It’s economic and it will get you by. An additional car wouldn’t hurt but you have to save up for that one. Maybe Jeep life will become a reality.
Living situation: Out of the house by February as well. Have at least $2000 saved for deposit and breathing room.
Fitness: Get body fat down. Stop being a fat ass and stuffing your mouth unnecessarily. Don’t forget to work on strengthening your grip for improving your shitty wrist.
Bass and singing: Thirty minutes to bass at least 3-4 times a day. Continue diaphragm exercises and book lessons. $25 every half-hour. At least 2 sessions every month.
Competitive scene & networking: Continue networking and making a name for yourself. You’re in the right direction. Just have to work on execution. You will make a splash and be remembered. Make it out to every major possible.
Stream: I will put this at the end because I’m not entirely sure if I want to continue pursuing this. I’ve gone this far. Why quit? Something has to change. I will be streaming games that aren’t street fighter because I can’t stand playing online. Stream at least 3-4 times a week.
Don’t faulter. You’ll only let yourself down and wonder what happened.
I think I've realized my problem with the direction I’ve been leading. The constant attempts at accelerating where I want to be. Hard work and planning should be the only ingredients involved. I have always tried to get ahead and then I ponder why I failed. Selling drugs, and being too pushy because it's not going my way with a relationship. Credit is the biggest lesson I've learned this year. You want something that you don't have the resources to buy yet. So you take the hit, because you'll eventually pay it off. The downside is that you'll actually pay more because you didn't end up saving for it instead. I constantly search for opportunities instead of relying on what has been given and working with my resources at hand. The passage that stood out to me the most in The Alchemist was, "Never bargain with someone using something that you don’t yet possess." The reason it resonated was because that's what I've been doing in every aspect of my life. I sit there negotiating with false promises and hopes such as a place to stay or using the word soon. I don't have anything to my name besides a damn red bull machine and a computer. I know I shouldn't be so materialistic but I have to work on not being in such a shitty situation.
I am trapped in this house and my situation will only get better by leaving everything. I want to, but I can't carry out these decisions with no capital. I also realized that my family is hurting my mentality so damn much. I always want a symbiotic relationship in life-- you help me and I'll help you-- good right? Well for some reason I can't ever get that from my family. You hold things over me, and you always want to feel so powerful when you take things away. I wonder how much of a rise you would get if I finally said you're right. I hate constantly having to prove that I'm not doing any drugs. I'm not even willing to have a discussion on the matter because you already have your pre-conceived notion that I'm high. You don't understand anything and never really have. The main reason and I've been wanting to leave because I've been suffocating. No longer are my thoughts clear. I just feel like an angsty teen all over again. I leave the house in search of clarity and to read. I was going to dip out on the loan I graciously received but then I remembered that I said I would pay it off regardless of what happens. Now I know what I have to do and how to get there. There are no more excuses. I am going to be twenty-one and I'm not going to be a burn out. I will buckle down and handle business. I will continue to pursue things and I’ll jot them down. It’s actually endearing because I told myself this almost a year ago and I feel good about it.
Finances: Put any amount of money you can into Chase and savings. Goal every months is to have at least 200 in each one by the end of the months.
Work: I told myself I would not be making minimum wage by the end of the year. If not, it’s okay. Continue looking and network more at work. Make the most of the position that you’re at. My hours are set so it opens room for schooling.
School: Debate with myself and decide if I’ll knuckle down to knock out classes.
Transportation: Save for Saul’s bike. Purchase any time before February. It’s economic and it will get you by. An additional car wouldn’t hurt but you have to save up for that one. Maybe Jeep life will become a reality.
Living situation: Out of the house by February as well. Have at least $2000 saved for deposit and breathing room.
Fitness: Get body fat down. Stop being a fat ass and stuffing your mouth unnecessarily. Don’t forget to work on strengthening your grip for improving your shitty wrist.
Bass and singing: Thirty minutes to bass at least 3-4 times a day. Continue diaphragm exercises and book lessons. $25 every half-hour. At least 2 sessions every month.
Competitive scene & networking: Continue networking and making a name for yourself. You’re in the right direction. Just have to work on execution. You will make a splash and be remembered. Make it out to every major possible.
Stream: I will put this at the end because I’m not entirely sure if I want to continue pursuing this. I’ve gone this far. Why quit? Something has to change. I will be streaming games that aren’t street fighter because I can’t stand playing online. Stream at least 3-4 times a week.
Don’t faulter. You’ll only let yourself down and wonder what happened.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Dear Momma
I find myself so often making the toughest decisions. I was always told to work/think smarter and not harder. So I'm wondering why am I making the decisions that I'm making? Reflecting back to my childhood, I would deliberately do what my mom said not to do just to spite her. You can call it rebellion, but I've finally had it.
My home-life reeks of exasperation. Everything I do is wrong. Never have I made them proud, and I'm okay with it, because I'm going against the grain and learning. I will do things in my own way and show them that it's not all about their traditional view. I can't go to school-- I refuse to have you go into debt even more then you are. Everything is about bills and how we don't have enough money. No support, and constant let downs. I'm incredibly grateful that you're here, because I get to see you, hear you, talk to you, but I can't get myself to live with you anymore. I'm just a giant asshole to all of you now and it breaks my heart. I don't mean to but I just get so angry. I got emotional today when this customer started humming to her children. I still remember the tune you sang to me to settle me down when I got fussy and it sounded so similar. I know how much you put into me-- all the love, all the reading, you tried to give me the best you could, and you did. The thing is, along with all that came unrealistic ideals that will never come to fruition. I tried to be smart for you, I tried to be like the other kids, but I never could. That's the problem I've been telling you all along. We are not normal, at all. We have been through so much, lost so many people, and I feel as though you haven't learned anything at all. You gave me your heart when you had me, and all I've ever given you is disrespect and disobedience. I'm glad this all happened. Falling out isn't the best way to go about things, but I've noticed that it brings the longest lasting results. I don't think I'll ever make you proud in the way that you wanted, but I will be successful and happy in my own way. One day I hope that you will respect what I'm doing because I will never be a doctor, or a lawyer, or any of those stereotypical successful jobs. I'm not completely confident about the decisions I'm making, but I know it will work out because I will make it. One day I'll show you how much I appreciated it all. I love you, but it's time to be the man I was brought up to be. I always told you that I would change the world, and I will-- it is written.
Monday, September 21, 2015
The Journey of an Adolescent Guru
I haven't written in so long because I started to express myself with my words in a improvised manner on video. It's so different than sitting here, writting, revising, and then coming up with a finished product. I get to contemplate things here, make sure I get the details I want jammed into the sentence. Where as if I want to say something live, I might not always convey the emotion or correct diction. It is incredibly challenging because the power of editing can't alter the actual recording. I can't add or tell myself to say something differently. All in all, it's a great process. I make a layout with notes and then wing the rest of it with a story, thought, or tangent. I am able to convey my messages better since people don't read as much as they watch things hours on end. I will stimulate an audience in many ways, music, literature, and entertainment through streaming content. I want to do it all, and do it well. I'm realizing my destiny every single day and the flame of my soul grows stronger as I accomplish my goals. What a magnificent time to be alive.
The reason I wanted to write today is because I've finally realized what it is to live. It came as a response to a discussion I had with someone, because I couldn't find the words to describe my thoughts on the subject until now. The way that I figured it out was looking at why people leave, and what you can do about it aside from closing up your heart. Life is about living in the moment and putting everything you have into someone or something. You know when you're in "love" or have a really good friendship? Well people are in your life for seasons as they say. And in those moments, people are incredibly genuine. Sure they might leave you once the season is over, but time stood still, and they were your world. Those memories are irreplaceable and that's the only way you'll lead a fulfilling life. I used to be bitter about people leaving me so often but I know I'll always choose to love someone than to be safe and not create new experiences.
You don't have to be alone in the cold world-- people can warm you with a compassionate soul. No one will be with you forever and it's something that you have to accept. What you can accept easier is that people want to be your friend, but you make them earn the right to understand you. You don't have to let them all in, just the ones that you find special. You don't have to be scared, there will always be someone to catch you, and it won't be a snake veiled behind a caring face. Don't revert; you're the one who told me to stop starting over. One step forward and two steps back right to where you started. No matter how much I try, it won't make a difference if you don't stop yourself. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me-- since you're so selfless, it would actually be a practical strategy to combat the madness that is your psyche.
Every experience is so special and precious to me. I remember every experience, every stranger, or whomever has graced me with their presence or time. I had a really heartwarming experience the other day. It made me really emotional because it's always the people who can't do anything for someone else that need the most help. I don't want to say "useless" but I think powerless or incapable is more fitting. Society labels them as handicap because they need special accommodations for everyday tasks that "normal" people could accomplish with no problem. I was almost done with my day at my first job at the ice cream shop, when suddenly I got a phone call from my second job. They asked me to come in, so I said why not since the rest of this year is just grind time with the focus on paying off my debt. So I get home, change, and head out to walk to work. As I'm about a block away-- I see him, Jawan. The block gets cut off on that street because there is a desert still due to no businesses being built yet. (side note, maybe I'll petition to complete the sidewalk in that area.) But I saw him in a electric wheelchair where the desert ends and the block begins. It was dark and it looked as if he was looking for someone to come along. So I crossed the street to him and the first thing that I learned was that he couldn't speak. I also noticed that he was missing a leg, poor guy. But what I thought at first was that the wheelchair was dead and that he couldn't drive over. Then I noticed that the sidewalk is way too high after the desert ends for the wheels to go over. So easy fix right? Just help him traverse the gap by pushing it. It wasn't possible because the wheels couldn't get enough traction or speed to make it. After about ten minutes of struggling because I wasn't really using my brain. I had to come up with a different strategy. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck it, you're strong enough to do this, time to shimmy!." Finally I managed to get it over and he looked so happy, and I told him that I needed to go to work so we could walk and talk. He showed me a number on his phone and I called his mother. She sounded hysterical so I just got to the point and said that her son will be at my work and that he's okay. I found out that he lost his voice from smoking and apparently no one came by to help him for a few hours (I found him him at around eight so it was already pretty dark at that point.) This experience made me realize that I need to learn sign language because it opens the possibility to help communicate with so many people. What ended up happening with Jawan is, apparently he ran away and everyone was looking for him all afternoon since he wasn't picking up his phone. Everyone was really mad at him and couldn't focus on the fact that they should be grateful that he was okay. I heard them shouting at him from inside my job so I went outside to make sure everything was okay. His mother started bawling her eyes out and thanking me. The genuine emotion and gratitude caught me off guard so I had to catch myself from tearing up. I was looking at Jawan's eyes while he was being scolded, and what I saw was a yearning for freedom and independence extinguished with the cold reality that it wouldn't be possible... It was really sad, but I gave him a handshake and told him to take care of himself, and that I know our paths would cross again. He smiled and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I altered the possibility of him being stranded all night.
I'm going to be using this again. I think I took a long enough break from sharing my experiences to learn that I need to document it for myself. The vlogs are special but it can't satisfy the yearning for writing. Till the next one, Namaste~
The reason I wanted to write today is because I've finally realized what it is to live. It came as a response to a discussion I had with someone, because I couldn't find the words to describe my thoughts on the subject until now. The way that I figured it out was looking at why people leave, and what you can do about it aside from closing up your heart. Life is about living in the moment and putting everything you have into someone or something. You know when you're in "love" or have a really good friendship? Well people are in your life for seasons as they say. And in those moments, people are incredibly genuine. Sure they might leave you once the season is over, but time stood still, and they were your world. Those memories are irreplaceable and that's the only way you'll lead a fulfilling life. I used to be bitter about people leaving me so often but I know I'll always choose to love someone than to be safe and not create new experiences.
You don't have to be alone in the cold world-- people can warm you with a compassionate soul. No one will be with you forever and it's something that you have to accept. What you can accept easier is that people want to be your friend, but you make them earn the right to understand you. You don't have to let them all in, just the ones that you find special. You don't have to be scared, there will always be someone to catch you, and it won't be a snake veiled behind a caring face. Don't revert; you're the one who told me to stop starting over. One step forward and two steps back right to where you started. No matter how much I try, it won't make a difference if you don't stop yourself. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me-- since you're so selfless, it would actually be a practical strategy to combat the madness that is your psyche.
Every experience is so special and precious to me. I remember every experience, every stranger, or whomever has graced me with their presence or time. I had a really heartwarming experience the other day. It made me really emotional because it's always the people who can't do anything for someone else that need the most help. I don't want to say "useless" but I think powerless or incapable is more fitting. Society labels them as handicap because they need special accommodations for everyday tasks that "normal" people could accomplish with no problem. I was almost done with my day at my first job at the ice cream shop, when suddenly I got a phone call from my second job. They asked me to come in, so I said why not since the rest of this year is just grind time with the focus on paying off my debt. So I get home, change, and head out to walk to work. As I'm about a block away-- I see him, Jawan. The block gets cut off on that street because there is a desert still due to no businesses being built yet. (side note, maybe I'll petition to complete the sidewalk in that area.) But I saw him in a electric wheelchair where the desert ends and the block begins. It was dark and it looked as if he was looking for someone to come along. So I crossed the street to him and the first thing that I learned was that he couldn't speak. I also noticed that he was missing a leg, poor guy. But what I thought at first was that the wheelchair was dead and that he couldn't drive over. Then I noticed that the sidewalk is way too high after the desert ends for the wheels to go over. So easy fix right? Just help him traverse the gap by pushing it. It wasn't possible because the wheels couldn't get enough traction or speed to make it. After about ten minutes of struggling because I wasn't really using my brain. I had to come up with a different strategy. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck it, you're strong enough to do this, time to shimmy!." Finally I managed to get it over and he looked so happy, and I told him that I needed to go to work so we could walk and talk. He showed me a number on his phone and I called his mother. She sounded hysterical so I just got to the point and said that her son will be at my work and that he's okay. I found out that he lost his voice from smoking and apparently no one came by to help him for a few hours (I found him him at around eight so it was already pretty dark at that point.) This experience made me realize that I need to learn sign language because it opens the possibility to help communicate with so many people. What ended up happening with Jawan is, apparently he ran away and everyone was looking for him all afternoon since he wasn't picking up his phone. Everyone was really mad at him and couldn't focus on the fact that they should be grateful that he was okay. I heard them shouting at him from inside my job so I went outside to make sure everything was okay. His mother started bawling her eyes out and thanking me. The genuine emotion and gratitude caught me off guard so I had to catch myself from tearing up. I was looking at Jawan's eyes while he was being scolded, and what I saw was a yearning for freedom and independence extinguished with the cold reality that it wouldn't be possible... It was really sad, but I gave him a handshake and told him to take care of himself, and that I know our paths would cross again. He smiled and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I altered the possibility of him being stranded all night.
I'm going to be using this again. I think I took a long enough break from sharing my experiences to learn that I need to document it for myself. The vlogs are special but it can't satisfy the yearning for writing. Till the next one, Namaste~
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Patience doesn't mean you sit and wait for a deal
Hmmm. This month started out on a progress-orientated path. It's due to the fire finally being under my ass. It's make it or break it time. I have the money I need to invest and I need to pay it back in full by six months. I need to make payments of 500 if I want to pay it on time. I have no job guaranteed at Sygma since it fell through, and now I have a goal to accomplish. I want to be stable by the end of the year. Not just for myself but because I want to further my "relationship". Now I know, it's stupid to plan things around other people, but it's more like an addition or reward for getting myself on a stable track. I'm applying to places where I might have a future due to the room for advancement. I will be an entrepreneur one day and I really think it's going to happen soon if I manage myself correctly. Freddy Martinez, the grand loser turned successful philanthropist-- I like it.
I've realized recently that my stream career won't go anywhere unless I start jumping on the top games bandwagon. As much as I love my street fighter following. It won't do anything for me until I actually start getting some exposure by going to majors and not just UGC. Which I actually have been making a buzz in my scene. So many people have admitted that they've seen me stream and it's so cool that my hard work is paying off. I keep playing against top players at my tournament first round so it's a bit daunting but I'll persevere. I'm attempting to catch onto habits as fast as possible since I only have one game of data. My hard reads prove to be quite formidable. I'm so excited for my first major since my jitters have gone away for the most part.
I feel so stupid. I'm literally going the opposite direction of where I want to be mentally. I'm going to be taking a hiatus from the Internet and I'll see where that gets me. I started out saying that the burning desire was there but it fizzled out due to my wisdom teeth surgery setting me back so much. I feel so scatterbrained. I've realized I manifest so many problems and make mountains out of anthills. Expressing myself vocally and writing shows how much I don't learn from my mistakes. I learn better from other's mistakes because I don't truly embrace myself. I know I put my flaws and problems out there but it's the ones I don't address that bring the dominant problems. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm a jealous possessive narcissist who attempts everything and finishes nothing. I get so mad at the people I care about and act brash. Brash seems to be how I'm handling personal affairs lately. I don't see what I want happening, so my mindset turns to aggression or I completely move on from it because I know I won't get my way. Compromise is powerful-- so strong that I can't fully utilize it yet. I stopped using my words because I attempted to be a man of action, but what's left when action falls short? Hollow words of reassurance and shortcomings attempting to bandage the wounds created. I used to think stepping away from the problems was always the best answer but now I know I need to be the strategist that I want to be. I need to actually be pragmatic as I chose my name to represent. Let's make it work Freddy.
On that note-- I'm making it happen. I'm leaving by the end of June and I'm ready. I got my interview on Friday for best buys mobile services. Now I know-- that's not what you said was going to happen Freddy. Listen, I got an opportunity from a friend I helped out a couple of years back and from the looks of it, I can nail this, get my experience, and then move on to Verizon. Getting experience and an opportunity for advancement within a company is very appealing to me since I've always worked for small businesses. I've had it with labor, if I'm not going to school, "I am going to have to be smart in the other way." Plus working hard physically isn't going to benefit my health in the long run. I want to run with my kids and then grandkids. I guess that's me realizing I don't want to die by thirty fighting the good fight, I want to truly build the empire I said I would. I am taking the first steps, which is to plan. I have established some long term goals I eventually want to get to, and ironically enough, these were brought to my attention by my good friends. It's time to save so I can actually invest in the endeavors that I want.
So many things are going to happen but I'm getting so impatient. It's crazy how much time has elapsed already since I actually started writing to keep track of things. It's almost eight months... Anyway, I'm going to be moving in with my friend Alfonso in August and it's going to be so cheap and totally possible to save up. I've moved out a couple of times before but this is it. True independence-- no living under someone else and having that safety net. It's time to prosper, handle my money, manage my time for personal and social affairs. It's going to be up to me, all me, and I get to finally establish that relationship with my parents. I've heard you can't really be friends with your parents while you're under their roof and I definitely understand that. I'm coming at my mom very responsibly now due to the loan that she pulled out, and it's already such a better dynamic. Slowly we will get there, because results are better than no progress. A man of tomorrow gets nothing done today.
PS: I'm going to start doing Vlogs and here is the first one if you haven't seen it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaDWIM3fXdk
I've realized recently that my stream career won't go anywhere unless I start jumping on the top games bandwagon. As much as I love my street fighter following. It won't do anything for me until I actually start getting some exposure by going to majors and not just UGC. Which I actually have been making a buzz in my scene. So many people have admitted that they've seen me stream and it's so cool that my hard work is paying off. I keep playing against top players at my tournament first round so it's a bit daunting but I'll persevere. I'm attempting to catch onto habits as fast as possible since I only have one game of data. My hard reads prove to be quite formidable. I'm so excited for my first major since my jitters have gone away for the most part.
I feel so stupid. I'm literally going the opposite direction of where I want to be mentally. I'm going to be taking a hiatus from the Internet and I'll see where that gets me. I started out saying that the burning desire was there but it fizzled out due to my wisdom teeth surgery setting me back so much. I feel so scatterbrained. I've realized I manifest so many problems and make mountains out of anthills. Expressing myself vocally and writing shows how much I don't learn from my mistakes. I learn better from other's mistakes because I don't truly embrace myself. I know I put my flaws and problems out there but it's the ones I don't address that bring the dominant problems. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm a jealous possessive narcissist who attempts everything and finishes nothing. I get so mad at the people I care about and act brash. Brash seems to be how I'm handling personal affairs lately. I don't see what I want happening, so my mindset turns to aggression or I completely move on from it because I know I won't get my way. Compromise is powerful-- so strong that I can't fully utilize it yet. I stopped using my words because I attempted to be a man of action, but what's left when action falls short? Hollow words of reassurance and shortcomings attempting to bandage the wounds created. I used to think stepping away from the problems was always the best answer but now I know I need to be the strategist that I want to be. I need to actually be pragmatic as I chose my name to represent. Let's make it work Freddy.
On that note-- I'm making it happen. I'm leaving by the end of June and I'm ready. I got my interview on Friday for best buys mobile services. Now I know-- that's not what you said was going to happen Freddy. Listen, I got an opportunity from a friend I helped out a couple of years back and from the looks of it, I can nail this, get my experience, and then move on to Verizon. Getting experience and an opportunity for advancement within a company is very appealing to me since I've always worked for small businesses. I've had it with labor, if I'm not going to school, "I am going to have to be smart in the other way." Plus working hard physically isn't going to benefit my health in the long run. I want to run with my kids and then grandkids. I guess that's me realizing I don't want to die by thirty fighting the good fight, I want to truly build the empire I said I would. I am taking the first steps, which is to plan. I have established some long term goals I eventually want to get to, and ironically enough, these were brought to my attention by my good friends. It's time to save so I can actually invest in the endeavors that I want.
So many things are going to happen but I'm getting so impatient. It's crazy how much time has elapsed already since I actually started writing to keep track of things. It's almost eight months... Anyway, I'm going to be moving in with my friend Alfonso in August and it's going to be so cheap and totally possible to save up. I've moved out a couple of times before but this is it. True independence-- no living under someone else and having that safety net. It's time to prosper, handle my money, manage my time for personal and social affairs. It's going to be up to me, all me, and I get to finally establish that relationship with my parents. I've heard you can't really be friends with your parents while you're under their roof and I definitely understand that. I'm coming at my mom very responsibly now due to the loan that she pulled out, and it's already such a better dynamic. Slowly we will get there, because results are better than no progress. A man of tomorrow gets nothing done today.
PS: I'm going to start doing Vlogs and here is the first one if you haven't seen it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaDWIM3fXdk
Thursday, June 4, 2015
All my Angles Are Right
Back at it again! The month of May is starting out on a good note. Mother's Day was an interesting day because a good amount happened. I don't really go to church anymore unless I want to be really nice to my parents or it's a holiday. The new church they're going to is actually a couple of blocks down the street so that's a nice change compared to being in the neighboring town. It unfortunately started on a bad note because they were ready to leave me because I woke up late. I got ready in five minutes so there was no need to pull out of the drive way. Those are the things that really bother me above all. My family is habitually late because our time management skills aren't the best. All the clocks in the house are set ten minutes forward so we have a time bumper for when we're actually late. Anyway, we get to the church and after the worship, the first thing the pastor talked about was same sex marriage. It put a sour taste in my mouth already. He spoke about it because he received different receptions about his lesson on it last week so he felt the need to address it. This country is going to be so fucking hard to unite because we're constantly split on everything. Religion and politics are always the touchy subjects because people are so adamant about standing by their views. ITS WRONG, IMMORAL, AND THEY SHOULD BE PURGED. I fucking hate the fact that they can sit there and talk for days of their loving God and then constantly make people feel like they're living their lives wrong. It was over and we went to a second service that was in Spanish. This one was so delightful on the other hand—a complete one-eighty. The community and tight knit groups that I loved about church stood out. We were greeted by so many people because they knew we were new. Worship was great, and they even had a five string bass player! The sermon was even on a different tone. It actually preached about empowering women and how even though they paint women as a weak, it's not true. After that they even had food for fellowship. I actually wouldn't mind returning to this service maybe a couple of times through the months. I know it would make my mom really happy.
My mother and pops went to go visit his past mother’s grave. So I stayed home and ran some more errands. Speaking of this subject. She asked me if we're ever going to see my father’s grave. I kind of gave her a stupid looking face and asked her what she was even asking. She already knows how Judy feels about it. (Judy is my middle sibling.) And I share that view with her. There isn't really a point in visiting besides reminiscing and cleaning up the grave. It's just people's obligations telling them they have to. I remember my father and I shouldn't have to prove it by visiting a tomb with a decomposing body that we spent thousands to bury. She even says she wouldn't want flowers on her grave because she wouldn't see it. That's why I've gotten into the habit of buying her flowers periodically.
I ended up buying my older sister Yvette a hundred dollar gift card for Saphora, a make up store, and then my mother a deep fryer. Now I know that sounds like a strange Mother's Day gift but you gotta understand—a deep fryer would make our lives so much easier. Haha! But that day I realized I'm horrible when it comes to gifts. I went out to buy wrapping paper and I didn’t even want to put the effort into wrapping the damn thing. I've always been broke around the holidays or birthdays because I act selfishly and my budgeting skills aren't the best. But I told myself I would do things differently this year. So it felt good to actually make people happy with my purchases. I’ve ran into someone who have given me a very perspective on special days such as birthdays and holidays. They don’t really celebrate them and don’t agree with the fact that you should buy them things or even make the day special. It was so hard to understand the concept because I was always brought up to at least use this day to show the appreciation because things always come up and it’s nice to show that you care for someone. Getting the gifts actually started turmoil between me and my sister Judy. Judy bought my mom and sister a hundred dollars’ worth on a gift card for Victoria’s secret because they’re expensive as shit. My mom told her she didn’t want anything from her because she didn’t want her to perpetuate her debt just so she could get something. But my sister did it anyway, out of obligation and wanting to buy something nice since that’s how she can express herself since she’s kind of mean sometimes. I told her that they probably would’ve been fine with a fifty dollar card each knowing that you didn’t use credit and just used your money.
Judy is physically handicapped and has been cursed to go through many struggles due to it. I won’t go into too many details but she had multiple surgeries when she was young so now she has a metal rod in her spine, and has to walk with braces on her legs and feet, along with shoe that is elevated two inches to even out her shorter leg. Growing up with my sister was hard because I saw the world for what it was-- judgmental and with no compassion or room for understanding. If something isn’t part of the norm it is considered broken, and it has to be “fixed” or will be shunned. I’ve always hated going out with my sister because the stares that people give are relentless, and it developed an anger issue due to having to tell people to say fuck off or say excuse me to break the stares. I walk proudly now after the years because I realized I have to be, but it was so difficult not to be affected. The one that gets me the most is when children stare, stare, and then turn to their parents to ask them a question about it. I can’t imagine how it must be for my sister to have grown up being so intelligent but being placed with mentally handicapped children because the system didn’t know how to go about it. Judy is actually the smartest person I know and ironically enough the most naïve. Judy has been getting on my nerves as of late because she graduated from college with a degree in creative writing last year and has done absolutely nothing with it. I told my mother recently that she has created an incredibly lazy and intelligent monster by being good mother, and providing everything/ catering to every need. I just recently started telling my mother to make her get up herself and do whatever she wants. If there isn’t food made, she will make it. If there isn’t anyone here to do something, she will do it. She lived with a roommate and independently when she was in college so I know she can do it. She can do anything in this world, it’s just the problem of finding her own ways of accomplishing them. One thing I’ve told myself since I’ve become so self-aware is that I will live my life to the fullest because it will be in my sister’s honor. I will run, jump, fly, skydive, swim, and most importantly live to my full potential for my sister because that’s the least I can do for her. I told her to start something because the internet is a great tool, and I’m sure that people would like to hear her opinion about things since she’s so damn vocal about them. I’m telling her to brainstorm and that she can use my equipment when she’s ready to make something. It’s going to come up soon hopefully. I’ll try to be more supportive.
Little Dragon was spectacular. I had fourty bucks to start off since I got my coins exchanged at work for cash. I put twenty in the tank, and I actually broke the twenty to get a bite to eat because I was starving from working earlier. I drove all the way up the observatory and found out that parking was twenty dollars and there were no negotiations or debit swipes. So what else would Freddy do? Park down the hill in a residential area and walk my ass up. I finally made it, and I have to say, it was the workout of my life. That hill leading to the Greek Theatre was so fucking steep. The funny part was that leg day was the day before so I was really feeling it. I ended up finally getting my ticket and I downed the shrooms that I bought for the show and guzzled down my brisk because I couldn’t bring it in. I finally made it, I made it front row, and there was another band playing, Hiatus Kaiyote. They had great energy and they were a neo-soul band so I was definitely digging it. This was one of my first concert experiences of this magnitude. It was magnificent to see such energies manifesting. Finally, it was time for Little Dragon to come up, and the scary part of the shrooms trip began pre-show setup. Schizophrenia is definitely a really scary thing and I can see how that’s an adverse effect of using these things in the wrong environment. I’ve been doing my research and it’s not a problem as long as you don’t do them so recurrently. The fact that I was willing to do them in a concert environment was kind of naïve of me, but it was definitely worth it. I just told myself to breath and I was focusing on lights because that’s really all I could do. I really wanted to sit down as well, but I didn’t want to lose my front row spot that I worked to get during the set before. Finally, the backdrop for Little Dragon came on and it was really psychedelic looking. The face was white and it would start to drip progressively during the show and it also had a checkered pattered on the right side. Yukimi came out, and it was a dream turned reality. I finally heard her voice live, and it was just so strange to have listened to these guys on my ipod for so many years, then finally learning that they’re a million times better live. I have a personal problem with dancing, it was mainly due to being overweight but now that I’ve been working on it I do feel a level of confidence. Man did I dance the whole night away, it was so strange, and the rhythm possessed my body because I didn’t stop until the end of the show. It was a blast! I felt in sync with the band, and the light show that they provided was excellent because it was in tandem with the music. I was still really high from the shrooms when they ended so I went down the never-ending hill and listened to my music. Never has the music playing on my ipod never been so good. Everything felt like a movie as I was going down the hill with the credits rolling, but the movie was far from over. I realized that every time I take shrooms, love becomes very apparent. I want to express love to the people I care about. I kept thinking about my family and then my love interest. I actually called my mom and it was great because we just talked and I expressed how much I cared for her. Maybe it’s bad that I only do these things under the influence of drugs but I know I was using them to get to this point. As I was walking down the hill these girls that were next to me being my backup singers walked next to me. They were from the UK and it was great talking to them. The boyfriend seemed a bit fed up about something but I think it was just because I was shining too hard from the shrooms. I finally got to the car and I called the one person I wanted to talk to. She has turned into what I told her to become apparently, which is a cheeky little munster who entertains me by keeping me on my toes, and making sure that I do the things I say I will do. It becomes pretty taxing sometimes but overall I appreciate the company of someone who seems to care about me. We actually spoke of the night and I realized it wasn’t actually exactly how I remembered. I said very vulgar things to her, and that’s not something she needs to hear. I vaguely remember saying that she makes me express passion and I think that’s where the train set off. I finally said I loved her though, which won’t get me anywhere at this point. But she helped me sober up before I went on my hour-long drive home. As I started to drive I realized that I wasn’t good yet, so I stopped at the gas station and I met this really good individual, Ricky. Right when I walked in, he was talking to this girl and they were both feeling each other and I could tell. We spoke about his business, why the ladies be bullshitting, and that we should hang out. We exchanged numbers and I actually want to network with this guy, it’s just hard because he’s in the booming city of LA. I actually got lost after I left because I went to Walgreens to buy my mom flowers and the GPS didn’t function correctly after that for some reason. I got back on track and finally got home safely though! Overall it was an incredible experience and I would love to go see them live in their native country, Sweden, sometime in the future.
I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to articulate anything. It’s actually due to my editor being in his own problems so he can’t really push me or actually edit them. But proofreading and actually editing for myself is good to do since I skipped that step when I sent them to him. My new mentor, Garrett, is a really genuine individual. I have to thank him for being there for me when I have concerns and being able to counsel with him. It’s crazy seeing how much time has passed since I’ve met him, and how bad of a player I used to be. He is on my list of people I will meet thanks to the internet, and it’ll be a great to be able to see Green Ol’ Oregon as a bonus.
Lots of personal problems happened this month. I was attempting to convince my mother to get a loan so I could start some type of investment towards my financial future. She was so worried about everything, and that’s one thing that irritates me about my mother. She is incredibly indecisive about everything and can’t make decisions without second guessing herself or getting someone’s input. I understand it’s hard and you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but decisions have to be made especially if no one decides. She came at me really raw, which is good, and I told her I appreciate her concern but she needs to shift the focus to my sister. She said, you act like you know everything, school isn’t even on your list, you’re still doing drugs, you’re not sleeping like you should, and you’re not getting anywhere in life—you’re almost twenty-one! You can’t wait for someone to give you a job, you have to go out and get it. It’s true, I have been waiting on Sam because I assumed it would be a sure thing. But what it looks like is that maybe it’s actually not going to go through until later months unfortunately. I’m going to start applying places and hopefully I can get something. It’s just really hard in this city. I don’t want to leave it but if things don’t start changing I might try somewhere else. I feel stuck, I kept telling myself things will work out and just be patient, but I am getting incredibly impatient. I’ve been working on everything from within except actually getting a good job. I honestly don’t mind giving myself up for full time, but it’s only shitty jobs with shitty pay. I am clean so there isn’t really a barrier now. I’ve been working on everything I could work on and I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a rut because it would’ve happened now but I just want to vocalize this defeat. It sucks being so powerless when trying to convey a powerful front. I said I would leave my job by the end of the month and then I realized it wasn’t because I was planning anything. I just did what Freddy always does and have a general guideline then I normally stray from it, then fumble, then finally realize that I was being a fool from the beginning. June will be different, I will die trying. Thirty days to make it happen. There has been a lack of burning desire, and I think it’s because I’m in such a safe environment and I can get away with not actually doing anything. I’m not really contributing at all to this home because my hours were ass last month.
I don’t want to keep writing because these are getting too long. I’ll do my best to do the bi-weekly entries, I just have to make sure I write something.
So find a new job by the end of June.
Find something to invest the money
No 0-2 at UGC
Don’t falter from working out
Make long-term goals and write them out
Communicate things better
Schedule the singing lessons
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY
My mother and pops went to go visit his past mother’s grave. So I stayed home and ran some more errands. Speaking of this subject. She asked me if we're ever going to see my father’s grave. I kind of gave her a stupid looking face and asked her what she was even asking. She already knows how Judy feels about it. (Judy is my middle sibling.) And I share that view with her. There isn't really a point in visiting besides reminiscing and cleaning up the grave. It's just people's obligations telling them they have to. I remember my father and I shouldn't have to prove it by visiting a tomb with a decomposing body that we spent thousands to bury. She even says she wouldn't want flowers on her grave because she wouldn't see it. That's why I've gotten into the habit of buying her flowers periodically.
I ended up buying my older sister Yvette a hundred dollar gift card for Saphora, a make up store, and then my mother a deep fryer. Now I know that sounds like a strange Mother's Day gift but you gotta understand—a deep fryer would make our lives so much easier. Haha! But that day I realized I'm horrible when it comes to gifts. I went out to buy wrapping paper and I didn’t even want to put the effort into wrapping the damn thing. I've always been broke around the holidays or birthdays because I act selfishly and my budgeting skills aren't the best. But I told myself I would do things differently this year. So it felt good to actually make people happy with my purchases. I’ve ran into someone who have given me a very perspective on special days such as birthdays and holidays. They don’t really celebrate them and don’t agree with the fact that you should buy them things or even make the day special. It was so hard to understand the concept because I was always brought up to at least use this day to show the appreciation because things always come up and it’s nice to show that you care for someone. Getting the gifts actually started turmoil between me and my sister Judy. Judy bought my mom and sister a hundred dollars’ worth on a gift card for Victoria’s secret because they’re expensive as shit. My mom told her she didn’t want anything from her because she didn’t want her to perpetuate her debt just so she could get something. But my sister did it anyway, out of obligation and wanting to buy something nice since that’s how she can express herself since she’s kind of mean sometimes. I told her that they probably would’ve been fine with a fifty dollar card each knowing that you didn’t use credit and just used your money.
Judy is physically handicapped and has been cursed to go through many struggles due to it. I won’t go into too many details but she had multiple surgeries when she was young so now she has a metal rod in her spine, and has to walk with braces on her legs and feet, along with shoe that is elevated two inches to even out her shorter leg. Growing up with my sister was hard because I saw the world for what it was-- judgmental and with no compassion or room for understanding. If something isn’t part of the norm it is considered broken, and it has to be “fixed” or will be shunned. I’ve always hated going out with my sister because the stares that people give are relentless, and it developed an anger issue due to having to tell people to say fuck off or say excuse me to break the stares. I walk proudly now after the years because I realized I have to be, but it was so difficult not to be affected. The one that gets me the most is when children stare, stare, and then turn to their parents to ask them a question about it. I can’t imagine how it must be for my sister to have grown up being so intelligent but being placed with mentally handicapped children because the system didn’t know how to go about it. Judy is actually the smartest person I know and ironically enough the most naïve. Judy has been getting on my nerves as of late because she graduated from college with a degree in creative writing last year and has done absolutely nothing with it. I told my mother recently that she has created an incredibly lazy and intelligent monster by being good mother, and providing everything/ catering to every need. I just recently started telling my mother to make her get up herself and do whatever she wants. If there isn’t food made, she will make it. If there isn’t anyone here to do something, she will do it. She lived with a roommate and independently when she was in college so I know she can do it. She can do anything in this world, it’s just the problem of finding her own ways of accomplishing them. One thing I’ve told myself since I’ve become so self-aware is that I will live my life to the fullest because it will be in my sister’s honor. I will run, jump, fly, skydive, swim, and most importantly live to my full potential for my sister because that’s the least I can do for her. I told her to start something because the internet is a great tool, and I’m sure that people would like to hear her opinion about things since she’s so damn vocal about them. I’m telling her to brainstorm and that she can use my equipment when she’s ready to make something. It’s going to come up soon hopefully. I’ll try to be more supportive.
Little Dragon was spectacular. I had fourty bucks to start off since I got my coins exchanged at work for cash. I put twenty in the tank, and I actually broke the twenty to get a bite to eat because I was starving from working earlier. I drove all the way up the observatory and found out that parking was twenty dollars and there were no negotiations or debit swipes. So what else would Freddy do? Park down the hill in a residential area and walk my ass up. I finally made it, and I have to say, it was the workout of my life. That hill leading to the Greek Theatre was so fucking steep. The funny part was that leg day was the day before so I was really feeling it. I ended up finally getting my ticket and I downed the shrooms that I bought for the show and guzzled down my brisk because I couldn’t bring it in. I finally made it, I made it front row, and there was another band playing, Hiatus Kaiyote. They had great energy and they were a neo-soul band so I was definitely digging it. This was one of my first concert experiences of this magnitude. It was magnificent to see such energies manifesting. Finally, it was time for Little Dragon to come up, and the scary part of the shrooms trip began pre-show setup. Schizophrenia is definitely a really scary thing and I can see how that’s an adverse effect of using these things in the wrong environment. I’ve been doing my research and it’s not a problem as long as you don’t do them so recurrently. The fact that I was willing to do them in a concert environment was kind of naïve of me, but it was definitely worth it. I just told myself to breath and I was focusing on lights because that’s really all I could do. I really wanted to sit down as well, but I didn’t want to lose my front row spot that I worked to get during the set before. Finally, the backdrop for Little Dragon came on and it was really psychedelic looking. The face was white and it would start to drip progressively during the show and it also had a checkered pattered on the right side. Yukimi came out, and it was a dream turned reality. I finally heard her voice live, and it was just so strange to have listened to these guys on my ipod for so many years, then finally learning that they’re a million times better live. I have a personal problem with dancing, it was mainly due to being overweight but now that I’ve been working on it I do feel a level of confidence. Man did I dance the whole night away, it was so strange, and the rhythm possessed my body because I didn’t stop until the end of the show. It was a blast! I felt in sync with the band, and the light show that they provided was excellent because it was in tandem with the music. I was still really high from the shrooms when they ended so I went down the never-ending hill and listened to my music. Never has the music playing on my ipod never been so good. Everything felt like a movie as I was going down the hill with the credits rolling, but the movie was far from over. I realized that every time I take shrooms, love becomes very apparent. I want to express love to the people I care about. I kept thinking about my family and then my love interest. I actually called my mom and it was great because we just talked and I expressed how much I cared for her. Maybe it’s bad that I only do these things under the influence of drugs but I know I was using them to get to this point. As I was walking down the hill these girls that were next to me being my backup singers walked next to me. They were from the UK and it was great talking to them. The boyfriend seemed a bit fed up about something but I think it was just because I was shining too hard from the shrooms. I finally got to the car and I called the one person I wanted to talk to. She has turned into what I told her to become apparently, which is a cheeky little munster who entertains me by keeping me on my toes, and making sure that I do the things I say I will do. It becomes pretty taxing sometimes but overall I appreciate the company of someone who seems to care about me. We actually spoke of the night and I realized it wasn’t actually exactly how I remembered. I said very vulgar things to her, and that’s not something she needs to hear. I vaguely remember saying that she makes me express passion and I think that’s where the train set off. I finally said I loved her though, which won’t get me anywhere at this point. But she helped me sober up before I went on my hour-long drive home. As I started to drive I realized that I wasn’t good yet, so I stopped at the gas station and I met this really good individual, Ricky. Right when I walked in, he was talking to this girl and they were both feeling each other and I could tell. We spoke about his business, why the ladies be bullshitting, and that we should hang out. We exchanged numbers and I actually want to network with this guy, it’s just hard because he’s in the booming city of LA. I actually got lost after I left because I went to Walgreens to buy my mom flowers and the GPS didn’t function correctly after that for some reason. I got back on track and finally got home safely though! Overall it was an incredible experience and I would love to go see them live in their native country, Sweden, sometime in the future.
I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to articulate anything. It’s actually due to my editor being in his own problems so he can’t really push me or actually edit them. But proofreading and actually editing for myself is good to do since I skipped that step when I sent them to him. My new mentor, Garrett, is a really genuine individual. I have to thank him for being there for me when I have concerns and being able to counsel with him. It’s crazy seeing how much time has passed since I’ve met him, and how bad of a player I used to be. He is on my list of people I will meet thanks to the internet, and it’ll be a great to be able to see Green Ol’ Oregon as a bonus.
Lots of personal problems happened this month. I was attempting to convince my mother to get a loan so I could start some type of investment towards my financial future. She was so worried about everything, and that’s one thing that irritates me about my mother. She is incredibly indecisive about everything and can’t make decisions without second guessing herself or getting someone’s input. I understand it’s hard and you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but decisions have to be made especially if no one decides. She came at me really raw, which is good, and I told her I appreciate her concern but she needs to shift the focus to my sister. She said, you act like you know everything, school isn’t even on your list, you’re still doing drugs, you’re not sleeping like you should, and you’re not getting anywhere in life—you’re almost twenty-one! You can’t wait for someone to give you a job, you have to go out and get it. It’s true, I have been waiting on Sam because I assumed it would be a sure thing. But what it looks like is that maybe it’s actually not going to go through until later months unfortunately. I’m going to start applying places and hopefully I can get something. It’s just really hard in this city. I don’t want to leave it but if things don’t start changing I might try somewhere else. I feel stuck, I kept telling myself things will work out and just be patient, but I am getting incredibly impatient. I’ve been working on everything from within except actually getting a good job. I honestly don’t mind giving myself up for full time, but it’s only shitty jobs with shitty pay. I am clean so there isn’t really a barrier now. I’ve been working on everything I could work on and I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a rut because it would’ve happened now but I just want to vocalize this defeat. It sucks being so powerless when trying to convey a powerful front. I said I would leave my job by the end of the month and then I realized it wasn’t because I was planning anything. I just did what Freddy always does and have a general guideline then I normally stray from it, then fumble, then finally realize that I was being a fool from the beginning. June will be different, I will die trying. Thirty days to make it happen. There has been a lack of burning desire, and I think it’s because I’m in such a safe environment and I can get away with not actually doing anything. I’m not really contributing at all to this home because my hours were ass last month.
I don’t want to keep writing because these are getting too long. I’ll do my best to do the bi-weekly entries, I just have to make sure I write something.
So find a new job by the end of June.
Find something to invest the money
No 0-2 at UGC
Don’t falter from working out
Make long-term goals and write them out
Communicate things better
Schedule the singing lessons
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
God Complex
I want to start this off with me stating that this is going to turn into an unfiltered documentation. It was normally written in the sense of accomplishment and concerns. But I feel like I just need to spill it all on the canvas to see its true beauty---
Self-expression is such a puzzling concept. It allows you to truly discover who you are, or what you like. The only problem is that society seems to not like the nitty gritty. The negative, the hard work that needs to happen to get to the beautiful. People wait for their debut into the limelight when they feel ready because first impressions are everything. No one wants to see a bum make it to stardom. In reality they do, but the problem is that they're not invested in that bum to see the journey through. I guess I'm that bum and the few people involved in my life are watching it unfold. The very first thing I read was the richest man in Babylon, and man did the stories in that passage speak to me. The actual message that the author wanted to convey was that if you put away ten percent of what you earn for ten years-- you will have accumulated one years’ worth of salary. It's so simple but no one does it. You have to make your money work for you or else you'll just be a slave. My vision seems so clear now. I've finally learned patience... And man am I ready to earn my riches.
A lot happened and I'm going to do my best to get it in chronological order:
Paige, one of my oldest friends came home to visit. The thing about Paige is that she was madly in love with me and I wasn’t really comfortable with that. I enjoyed her company but I never really felt the same way so I did the only thing that a teenage boy knows to do, push them away. At the end of the day we agree that there was a butterfly effect with me not getting with her because she just ended up gravitating towards men who treated her badly. I was the only person who treated her well and she absolutely adored it. I wasn’t aware of the games that people play because I was raised so naive. I wasn’t street smart until later because of the sheltered upbringing. I chilled with a bunch of kids on the block and I didn’t know half of the shit they were saying. But that’s how I learned slowly. Anyway, I’ve always felt guilty about it so that’s where I am emotionally. I feel as if I don’t complete these tasks with people, then it’s my fault if it all fails since I didn’t put all my effort into it. It was nice-- we went to eat, and we stopped by her old house. We hung out basically every single day with my other best friend, Nieves. We just enjoyed each other’s company and did whatever we could to occupy our time when you’re in school. We ended up smoking a couple of cigarettes in front of her old house reminiscing the good times. The adult charade is pretty tough, and it was so nice catching up with an old friend. After those cigarettes I told her that that was her last one. No more smoking from her so she better enjoy them. We started walking around the block, like we used to when we walked home from middle school. At that moment I realized that my life is just work after work. I wake up, work, come home from work, I go to the gym (work), then I come home from gym and stream (work). I mean I can’t really complain about it because it’s my decision, but fuck was it nice to just bullshit and enjoy myself in that moment. I need to really take advantage of my days off if I want to make sure not to burn out. Paige ended up having a baby and moving to Kansas and she’s absolutely bored and lonely. I actually shared her my stream so she could stop by and bullshit if she doesn’t have anything to do. Twitch is nice in the sense of having a community and not being so alone. She’s going to be moving back next year so that’s something to be excited for.
UGC has become a ritual! Every Tuesday, and now it’s even Thursdays! I have integrated myself into the smaller community and I have gotten so much better at street fighter thanks to the talented people there. I’ve developed so many friendships and rivalries already. I’ve even become a senpai to this Dudley player. I will become the best Dudley in Southern California. I will try my best to perfect my technique and make my overhead the most feared in the land. I get the opportunity to play so many good players and I’ve been learning my matchups. My only problem at the moment if the fact that I don’t finish my plate in winners. I want to stop going 0-2 because I know I’m better than that. I finally ordered new parts for my stick so there is no more excuses. It’s time to go in one-hundred percent because there won’t be some malfunction holding me back.
Yvette had a party that was celebrating about five of her friend’s birthdays. Here I thought it was just going to be a kickback. Holy shit was I wrong. I went with my friend Karen to carpool since we were both going. When I show up, she ends up having my friend Tyler there from high school. Tyler went to the marines and I never really knew much about his journey besides Instagram. It is refreshing to share such experiences and learn a bit more about the countries he's been stationed at. What I learned from Tyler is that life is really a bitch, and then you die. I used to consider that my motto but damn, seeing it be so apparent kind of made me sad. Tyler and Karen actually make a really good couple. Anyway, we make it to the party and there are so many fucking people there. At least seventy people spread out through the small house and backyard. First things first: gotta play catch up. My boy Danny G was there so we took some shots. The most profound moment of the night was when I was greeted by a viewer from my stream. It felt so surreal developing a relationship with someone as a viewer to seeing them in the flesh. It's happened one other time, but I didn't really know him too well. Vapor was my party buddy for the rest of the night. I ended up eating these shrooms that Dan got me because I asked him to. Before anything else, they weren't that good. They were all stems and no caps. From my experience, when you ingest a small amount or no caps, you just get the emotional part of the shrooms trip. So I was drunk and felt very clairvoyant. I ended up doing what I always do, being nosy and saving people. I wanted to go to the bathroom and I noticed that this group was struggling with their inebriated friend. So of course I took the liberty of testing my power to help people in those situations. This guy was drinking his mundane life away. It made me really sad that he couldn't express himself any other way. The whole night he was looking for this guy and I still don’t know who it was. I attempted to get to know him! I guess you could call it fake but I actually care a lot in these moments. I give people my complete attention and make sure that they are comfortable or else they won’t listen. I want to help them, so we share a common goal. I honestly can’t remember his name but he worked at Big Lots. He kept looking at the time and I asked him but he wouldn’t share with me. He ended up telling his friend that he had work at eight in the morning so I don’t understand why he was going so damn hard. I was man handling him and I felt so good because the gym really paid off this night. At the end of the day he went away but I just kept him really close to me and we walked around and I distracted him. I even convinced him to drink water by saying it was Absolute Vodka. I said “this shit tastes like water man, try it!” His friend seemed really grateful because he didn’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t show up. I blew him off and told him don’t worry about it the first time. I sat on the couch and was waiting for his ride to show up. The second time his friend told me, “seriously I really appreciate it.” I blew him off and pushed him away. I told him you’re never going to see me again anyway man so don’t worry about it. He grabbed my hand and told me, “no, thank you!” With so much gratitude. I ended up saying, “if you really want to prove that you’re grateful, then check me out of twitch.tv/pragmag!” LMAO!~
That was the first person. The second person was David. David was spewing insanities about this girl, and kept asking everyone if she was okay. I asked if this was his girlfriend or what relation he had because he seemed to care so much. David seemed as if he was on drugs, which is what really threw me off. He seemed like me on shrooms, “shining away” as Danny G would say. So I asked him if he was anything besides being drunk. He said “nah man I’m just really turnt.” He went for a hug and he did that thing where you express yourself through this one hug, and I realized that he hasn’t really had anyone really care about him in a while. David reminded me of myself a shit-ton. He is someone who shines which basically means they radiate their personality if they don’t keep it in check. It’s someone who is the center of attention especially due to the fact that he keeps it one hundred. He said I was really attractive and asked if he could kiss me on the cheek. And man did this guy give me a sloppy one on the cheek. We ended up talking about his “girl” and I come to find out that this girl meant the world to him and she didn’t really care about him. I decided that this wasn’t going to be about taking care of him. It was going to be about telling him things he needed to hear because it will make him put things into perspective. I told him, “fuck her man, there is no point in giving yourself to someone so much when they won’t give you a second of their time.” And holy shit did this guy blow up. He wanted to hurt me! He said “no, fuck YOU. You don’t EVER talk about her like that!” And I just grabbed him and kept him in his place because I wasn’t about to body this drunk ass guy. Lmao! But at the end of the night after it all he told me thank you and it was so heartfelt. I walked him to the car but he said I don’t want to go because he never see my friends anymore. I ended up doing it again. I said life’s a bitch and growing up is even harder, but just make sure you enjoy these very rare experiences of having so many friends together in one place. I also told him to do shrooms because I think it will really help him put things into perspective and understand himself and the world a bit better.
I ended up starting to clean after that because it seemed that everyone filtered out once the DJ ended. I guess I just like doing things for people? I mean I’ve realized that I don’t really care if I’m appreciated or not because I do it selfishly. I know how much work I put into things that I don’t really need validation from others. Fuck I’m a sad mother fucker. It helps me though, because it gives me purpose when I do things that people will never realize or appreciate. Even if it is selfish I also do it because it makes their days a little bit better. Even after all the positive vibes I still got my shit stolen. I got my lighter stolen and my portable speaker. I’ve realized my destiny and hopefully I get to the people I want to get to. Vapor and I grabbed things to make for breakfast in the morning. I think I slept like an hour. The sleeping schedule has become so mangled at this point. It’s nice to know we’re not useless Hispanic males like the rest of them.
My love for shrooms has grown unhealthy and I’ll admit it. But these damn this fungus gives me so much clarity. It’s unbelievable what I learn from the experiences given to me. And it’s a great substitute for not being able to smoke weed. Speaking of weed. Man have I been craving it like crazy. I’ve been hanging out with people who still smoke a lot and it is so hard to stick around. I feel like a fucking geek because I have to move away due to not wanting to get a second hand high. I really want to return to it. I want to continue being the free spirit that appreciates the littlest things. I’ve learned to not be so grouchy without it now because of the break, but I don’t think it will be such a big problem once I get this new job and I invest in a Whizzantor. I DEFINTELY won’t be doing it every night like I was before. But it would be nice to smoke after a hard workout or a hard day of work. Maybe even a hike enhanced by the herb. I grew so accustomed to having it, and now that I absolutely can’t have it, it really puts a number on me. Maybe it’s just a lesson for my self-discipline to strengthen
I was actually going to make this entry about the fourth of May. That is the anniversary of the beginning of my father’s decent to death. It all started when I was eleven and it seems so vivid. I was excited the day before Cinco De Mayo because I was going to bring in candy and I told everyone my mom was going to make tamales. Then all of a sudden things happened. My sister ended up coming from Arizona where she lives. It’s about a four hour trip since there isn’t much traffic. They were saying my dad went in to cardiac arrest after he went to a clinic because he wasn’t feeling well. I think the last time I saw him was a couple of years prior to this due to his vision suffering and making the hour trip to come see us wasn’t the best idea. I used to look forward to seeing him because he would give me money. Fuck I will never forget or forgive myself for being so fucking narrow-minded. I threw it all away because I waited until it was too late. I mean it wasn’t really my fault since I was young and I didn’t know any better, but if I could go back, I would do things so differently. That’s the main thing I learned from this whole ordeal. Don’t wait for things to come because you might not get the opportunities. What ended up happening was that they resuscitated him thirty minutes after he died so that obviously came along with brain damage. He was in a coma when we got down there to see him and when we got there, my sisters and I had to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him if he was to go into cardiac arrest again because it was the second time already. My older sister was making the decision since she was the oldest but my middle sibling has always been the most logical. We decided to resuscitate because we wanted to see our father obviously, but that was only the beginning. He ended up waking up a couple of days later and he would just look around with a vacant gaze. I’m still not entirely sure about everything that went down but this is just my interpretation. Every other day we would go down below to Whittier, which was a two hour drive to go see him. My mom felt guilty, she left him and there was nothing she could do to give back besides be there now. My sister hated it, and I hated it. I grew up in a fucking convalescent home because of someone’s guilty conscience. Then there was my sister, she hated my dad for reasons between him and her. So she was always headstrong about being difficult. Then my older sister, she just loved my dad and wanted to help however she could whenever she was out here since it was so difficult. So whenever she was out here we would travel to go see him. My dad was a strange case. He had brain functionality and he would even sing still and carry conversations for a bit, but they drugged him up constantly because he grew restless laying down every day of his remaining life. I would see a glimpse of my father whenever he wasn’t drugged up and it was so nice, then it would be torn away when it all kicked in and he would just scream obscenities. I wish I was older when this all went down. I believe we could’ve helped him walk again but I just sat there… I couldn’t get past the feeling of helplessness and the fact that I was displeased with being there instead of being home with my friends or doing anything else but be there at Shea. All of the staff saw me grow up. I had so much animosity towards them because they treated every patient there horridly. My dad would always have random bruises, lack of changing his diaper, or not showering him. It was fucking disgusting that people could treat another human being like trash just because they felt like it. I’m sure they wouldn’t have fed him either if it wasn’t for the feeding tube. There were compassionate nurses far in between there that I loved seeing when I got older because I got to thank them personally for actually giving a shit. I saw residents that I developed semi-acquaintances with passing throughout the years. They always smiled when they saw me because I was a different face and I would smile no matter how I felt. So many negative emotions came from that fucking place and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done. I used to get so excited when I received news that my father got sick because I thought he would pass and it would all be over. But all the close calls meant nothing until nine years later. His health definitely started declining the last couple of years so we were on watch. I think it was mainly the fact that he developed so much flem in his lunges from the bronchitis. He would always yell things about seeing God and the devil and he would start to break down. I wish I knew what the fuck he was talking about since he obviously saw the other side of whatever we see when we die. It’s just a sad reminder that I didn’t do everything I could for someone who had nothing but love for me. I wasn’t even his kid and he loved me the most out of all of my siblings since I was a boy. That’s the part that breaks my heart. The bastard found solace in someone else’s father. I have decided that I’m going to have one child and then adopt one of the same age so I can return the favor and love someone unconditionally who deserves it.
I don’t think you can really go anywhere past that but forward. Here I am now, living the life I think I should be living. It’s so hard to go and go, but where else will you go if you don’t progress? That’s really the main motivator, if I don’t do this then who will. I want to do a lot of things in my lifetime and it’s going to be a huge adventure. Maybe I just need to be honest with myself? (Lmao. Fuck you Moolkey) I’m going to start posting my month’s calendar from when I make it to the ending, which should have yielded more events and inserts. Calender ----->http://puu.sh/hwLWP/34aa1f9550.jpg <---- Calendar
Quick side notes. I’m going to see my favorite band, Little Dragon, on the sixteenth! I’m going to eat shrooms because I know it’ll be a hell of an experience. I waited to buy the ticket and now I get to sit in the pit in front of the stage so I’m so incredibly stoked!
I made a goal to get out of my current job by the end of this month and if things don’t end up working with Sygma I’m going to try to work for Coke now that Alfonso has told me about it. So either way, things will be changing.
Self-expression is such a puzzling concept. It allows you to truly discover who you are, or what you like. The only problem is that society seems to not like the nitty gritty. The negative, the hard work that needs to happen to get to the beautiful. People wait for their debut into the limelight when they feel ready because first impressions are everything. No one wants to see a bum make it to stardom. In reality they do, but the problem is that they're not invested in that bum to see the journey through. I guess I'm that bum and the few people involved in my life are watching it unfold. The very first thing I read was the richest man in Babylon, and man did the stories in that passage speak to me. The actual message that the author wanted to convey was that if you put away ten percent of what you earn for ten years-- you will have accumulated one years’ worth of salary. It's so simple but no one does it. You have to make your money work for you or else you'll just be a slave. My vision seems so clear now. I've finally learned patience... And man am I ready to earn my riches.
A lot happened and I'm going to do my best to get it in chronological order:
Paige, one of my oldest friends came home to visit. The thing about Paige is that she was madly in love with me and I wasn’t really comfortable with that. I enjoyed her company but I never really felt the same way so I did the only thing that a teenage boy knows to do, push them away. At the end of the day we agree that there was a butterfly effect with me not getting with her because she just ended up gravitating towards men who treated her badly. I was the only person who treated her well and she absolutely adored it. I wasn’t aware of the games that people play because I was raised so naive. I wasn’t street smart until later because of the sheltered upbringing. I chilled with a bunch of kids on the block and I didn’t know half of the shit they were saying. But that’s how I learned slowly. Anyway, I’ve always felt guilty about it so that’s where I am emotionally. I feel as if I don’t complete these tasks with people, then it’s my fault if it all fails since I didn’t put all my effort into it. It was nice-- we went to eat, and we stopped by her old house. We hung out basically every single day with my other best friend, Nieves. We just enjoyed each other’s company and did whatever we could to occupy our time when you’re in school. We ended up smoking a couple of cigarettes in front of her old house reminiscing the good times. The adult charade is pretty tough, and it was so nice catching up with an old friend. After those cigarettes I told her that that was her last one. No more smoking from her so she better enjoy them. We started walking around the block, like we used to when we walked home from middle school. At that moment I realized that my life is just work after work. I wake up, work, come home from work, I go to the gym (work), then I come home from gym and stream (work). I mean I can’t really complain about it because it’s my decision, but fuck was it nice to just bullshit and enjoy myself in that moment. I need to really take advantage of my days off if I want to make sure not to burn out. Paige ended up having a baby and moving to Kansas and she’s absolutely bored and lonely. I actually shared her my stream so she could stop by and bullshit if she doesn’t have anything to do. Twitch is nice in the sense of having a community and not being so alone. She’s going to be moving back next year so that’s something to be excited for.
UGC has become a ritual! Every Tuesday, and now it’s even Thursdays! I have integrated myself into the smaller community and I have gotten so much better at street fighter thanks to the talented people there. I’ve developed so many friendships and rivalries already. I’ve even become a senpai to this Dudley player. I will become the best Dudley in Southern California. I will try my best to perfect my technique and make my overhead the most feared in the land. I get the opportunity to play so many good players and I’ve been learning my matchups. My only problem at the moment if the fact that I don’t finish my plate in winners. I want to stop going 0-2 because I know I’m better than that. I finally ordered new parts for my stick so there is no more excuses. It’s time to go in one-hundred percent because there won’t be some malfunction holding me back.
Yvette had a party that was celebrating about five of her friend’s birthdays. Here I thought it was just going to be a kickback. Holy shit was I wrong. I went with my friend Karen to carpool since we were both going. When I show up, she ends up having my friend Tyler there from high school. Tyler went to the marines and I never really knew much about his journey besides Instagram. It is refreshing to share such experiences and learn a bit more about the countries he's been stationed at. What I learned from Tyler is that life is really a bitch, and then you die. I used to consider that my motto but damn, seeing it be so apparent kind of made me sad. Tyler and Karen actually make a really good couple. Anyway, we make it to the party and there are so many fucking people there. At least seventy people spread out through the small house and backyard. First things first: gotta play catch up. My boy Danny G was there so we took some shots. The most profound moment of the night was when I was greeted by a viewer from my stream. It felt so surreal developing a relationship with someone as a viewer to seeing them in the flesh. It's happened one other time, but I didn't really know him too well. Vapor was my party buddy for the rest of the night. I ended up eating these shrooms that Dan got me because I asked him to. Before anything else, they weren't that good. They were all stems and no caps. From my experience, when you ingest a small amount or no caps, you just get the emotional part of the shrooms trip. So I was drunk and felt very clairvoyant. I ended up doing what I always do, being nosy and saving people. I wanted to go to the bathroom and I noticed that this group was struggling with their inebriated friend. So of course I took the liberty of testing my power to help people in those situations. This guy was drinking his mundane life away. It made me really sad that he couldn't express himself any other way. The whole night he was looking for this guy and I still don’t know who it was. I attempted to get to know him! I guess you could call it fake but I actually care a lot in these moments. I give people my complete attention and make sure that they are comfortable or else they won’t listen. I want to help them, so we share a common goal. I honestly can’t remember his name but he worked at Big Lots. He kept looking at the time and I asked him but he wouldn’t share with me. He ended up telling his friend that he had work at eight in the morning so I don’t understand why he was going so damn hard. I was man handling him and I felt so good because the gym really paid off this night. At the end of the day he went away but I just kept him really close to me and we walked around and I distracted him. I even convinced him to drink water by saying it was Absolute Vodka. I said “this shit tastes like water man, try it!” His friend seemed really grateful because he didn’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t show up. I blew him off and told him don’t worry about it the first time. I sat on the couch and was waiting for his ride to show up. The second time his friend told me, “seriously I really appreciate it.” I blew him off and pushed him away. I told him you’re never going to see me again anyway man so don’t worry about it. He grabbed my hand and told me, “no, thank you!” With so much gratitude. I ended up saying, “if you really want to prove that you’re grateful, then check me out of twitch.tv/pragmag!” LMAO!~
That was the first person. The second person was David. David was spewing insanities about this girl, and kept asking everyone if she was okay. I asked if this was his girlfriend or what relation he had because he seemed to care so much. David seemed as if he was on drugs, which is what really threw me off. He seemed like me on shrooms, “shining away” as Danny G would say. So I asked him if he was anything besides being drunk. He said “nah man I’m just really turnt.” He went for a hug and he did that thing where you express yourself through this one hug, and I realized that he hasn’t really had anyone really care about him in a while. David reminded me of myself a shit-ton. He is someone who shines which basically means they radiate their personality if they don’t keep it in check. It’s someone who is the center of attention especially due to the fact that he keeps it one hundred. He said I was really attractive and asked if he could kiss me on the cheek. And man did this guy give me a sloppy one on the cheek. We ended up talking about his “girl” and I come to find out that this girl meant the world to him and she didn’t really care about him. I decided that this wasn’t going to be about taking care of him. It was going to be about telling him things he needed to hear because it will make him put things into perspective. I told him, “fuck her man, there is no point in giving yourself to someone so much when they won’t give you a second of their time.” And holy shit did this guy blow up. He wanted to hurt me! He said “no, fuck YOU. You don’t EVER talk about her like that!” And I just grabbed him and kept him in his place because I wasn’t about to body this drunk ass guy. Lmao! But at the end of the night after it all he told me thank you and it was so heartfelt. I walked him to the car but he said I don’t want to go because he never see my friends anymore. I ended up doing it again. I said life’s a bitch and growing up is even harder, but just make sure you enjoy these very rare experiences of having so many friends together in one place. I also told him to do shrooms because I think it will really help him put things into perspective and understand himself and the world a bit better.
I ended up starting to clean after that because it seemed that everyone filtered out once the DJ ended. I guess I just like doing things for people? I mean I’ve realized that I don’t really care if I’m appreciated or not because I do it selfishly. I know how much work I put into things that I don’t really need validation from others. Fuck I’m a sad mother fucker. It helps me though, because it gives me purpose when I do things that people will never realize or appreciate. Even if it is selfish I also do it because it makes their days a little bit better. Even after all the positive vibes I still got my shit stolen. I got my lighter stolen and my portable speaker. I’ve realized my destiny and hopefully I get to the people I want to get to. Vapor and I grabbed things to make for breakfast in the morning. I think I slept like an hour. The sleeping schedule has become so mangled at this point. It’s nice to know we’re not useless Hispanic males like the rest of them.
My love for shrooms has grown unhealthy and I’ll admit it. But these damn this fungus gives me so much clarity. It’s unbelievable what I learn from the experiences given to me. And it’s a great substitute for not being able to smoke weed. Speaking of weed. Man have I been craving it like crazy. I’ve been hanging out with people who still smoke a lot and it is so hard to stick around. I feel like a fucking geek because I have to move away due to not wanting to get a second hand high. I really want to return to it. I want to continue being the free spirit that appreciates the littlest things. I’ve learned to not be so grouchy without it now because of the break, but I don’t think it will be such a big problem once I get this new job and I invest in a Whizzantor. I DEFINTELY won’t be doing it every night like I was before. But it would be nice to smoke after a hard workout or a hard day of work. Maybe even a hike enhanced by the herb. I grew so accustomed to having it, and now that I absolutely can’t have it, it really puts a number on me. Maybe it’s just a lesson for my self-discipline to strengthen
I was actually going to make this entry about the fourth of May. That is the anniversary of the beginning of my father’s decent to death. It all started when I was eleven and it seems so vivid. I was excited the day before Cinco De Mayo because I was going to bring in candy and I told everyone my mom was going to make tamales. Then all of a sudden things happened. My sister ended up coming from Arizona where she lives. It’s about a four hour trip since there isn’t much traffic. They were saying my dad went in to cardiac arrest after he went to a clinic because he wasn’t feeling well. I think the last time I saw him was a couple of years prior to this due to his vision suffering and making the hour trip to come see us wasn’t the best idea. I used to look forward to seeing him because he would give me money. Fuck I will never forget or forgive myself for being so fucking narrow-minded. I threw it all away because I waited until it was too late. I mean it wasn’t really my fault since I was young and I didn’t know any better, but if I could go back, I would do things so differently. That’s the main thing I learned from this whole ordeal. Don’t wait for things to come because you might not get the opportunities. What ended up happening was that they resuscitated him thirty minutes after he died so that obviously came along with brain damage. He was in a coma when we got down there to see him and when we got there, my sisters and I had to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him if he was to go into cardiac arrest again because it was the second time already. My older sister was making the decision since she was the oldest but my middle sibling has always been the most logical. We decided to resuscitate because we wanted to see our father obviously, but that was only the beginning. He ended up waking up a couple of days later and he would just look around with a vacant gaze. I’m still not entirely sure about everything that went down but this is just my interpretation. Every other day we would go down below to Whittier, which was a two hour drive to go see him. My mom felt guilty, she left him and there was nothing she could do to give back besides be there now. My sister hated it, and I hated it. I grew up in a fucking convalescent home because of someone’s guilty conscience. Then there was my sister, she hated my dad for reasons between him and her. So she was always headstrong about being difficult. Then my older sister, she just loved my dad and wanted to help however she could whenever she was out here since it was so difficult. So whenever she was out here we would travel to go see him. My dad was a strange case. He had brain functionality and he would even sing still and carry conversations for a bit, but they drugged him up constantly because he grew restless laying down every day of his remaining life. I would see a glimpse of my father whenever he wasn’t drugged up and it was so nice, then it would be torn away when it all kicked in and he would just scream obscenities. I wish I was older when this all went down. I believe we could’ve helped him walk again but I just sat there… I couldn’t get past the feeling of helplessness and the fact that I was displeased with being there instead of being home with my friends or doing anything else but be there at Shea. All of the staff saw me grow up. I had so much animosity towards them because they treated every patient there horridly. My dad would always have random bruises, lack of changing his diaper, or not showering him. It was fucking disgusting that people could treat another human being like trash just because they felt like it. I’m sure they wouldn’t have fed him either if it wasn’t for the feeding tube. There were compassionate nurses far in between there that I loved seeing when I got older because I got to thank them personally for actually giving a shit. I saw residents that I developed semi-acquaintances with passing throughout the years. They always smiled when they saw me because I was a different face and I would smile no matter how I felt. So many negative emotions came from that fucking place and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done. I used to get so excited when I received news that my father got sick because I thought he would pass and it would all be over. But all the close calls meant nothing until nine years later. His health definitely started declining the last couple of years so we were on watch. I think it was mainly the fact that he developed so much flem in his lunges from the bronchitis. He would always yell things about seeing God and the devil and he would start to break down. I wish I knew what the fuck he was talking about since he obviously saw the other side of whatever we see when we die. It’s just a sad reminder that I didn’t do everything I could for someone who had nothing but love for me. I wasn’t even his kid and he loved me the most out of all of my siblings since I was a boy. That’s the part that breaks my heart. The bastard found solace in someone else’s father. I have decided that I’m going to have one child and then adopt one of the same age so I can return the favor and love someone unconditionally who deserves it.
I don’t think you can really go anywhere past that but forward. Here I am now, living the life I think I should be living. It’s so hard to go and go, but where else will you go if you don’t progress? That’s really the main motivator, if I don’t do this then who will. I want to do a lot of things in my lifetime and it’s going to be a huge adventure. Maybe I just need to be honest with myself? (Lmao. Fuck you Moolkey) I’m going to start posting my month’s calendar from when I make it to the ending, which should have yielded more events and inserts. Calender ----->http://puu.sh/hwLWP/34aa1f9550.jpg <---- Calendar
Quick side notes. I’m going to see my favorite band, Little Dragon, on the sixteenth! I’m going to eat shrooms because I know it’ll be a hell of an experience. I waited to buy the ticket and now I get to sit in the pit in front of the stage so I’m so incredibly stoked!
I made a goal to get out of my current job by the end of this month and if things don’t end up working with Sygma I’m going to try to work for Coke now that Alfonso has told me about it. So either way, things will be changing.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Potential
The hardest part is starting, once you get started you don’t
falter so easily. I guess that’s why no one does the things they have to do.
It’s like a cloud hanging over, as if it’s a reminder haunting you. Constantly
on your mind—I’m going to do it, I’m going to finish these things I said I
would do. I don’t know what it means to have potential. I don’t know what it
means to achieve great things. I know nothing, and I’m finally accepting this
being part of adolescence. I suppose I just want to ramble right now. I always
feel so emotional when I sit down to write these; could it be that I actually
save how I feel to truly express myself in these? I don’t really care if anyone
reads these but it’s so damn good for me. I attempt to articulate everything
better and better every entry, and I can honestly say I do improve. I think
that’s all I have, improvement, and that’s truly what keeps me going. I love
seeing results. I love when things grow-- progressive change is the best
change. Maybe it’s because abrupt change seems artificial. Everyone wants quick
and easy results, but from what I’ve learned it’s from countless hours of work
and dedication. Life is going to change so fast and I think I’m finally ready.
The most profound thing this week was the fact that I came
back into contact with my friend Daniel Hong. I chose to step away from him
because whenever I hung out with him I would go out to eat or just spend money
to go somewhere instead of actually just spending time with a friend. But man,
I have to say, he has grown up a lot. Everyone has advanced so far in the time
that I took for myself. We are currently gym partners now and I hope to grow
very strong with his help. His current partner is going to be leaving soon so
it’s actually perfect timing. He wants to do many great things and once again,
the only thing stopping us right now is our age and experience. Good ideas pave
the way for strong foundations. He actually is in a race with two of his other
friends to see who will make a million first, and it really makes me happy to
see that I have such bright young men to compare progress. I’m going to be the
first one, I plan on retiring by the age of thirty. I believe the most
satisfying thing will be showing everyone that anything is possible.
I spoke to my boss about the interview I got arranged and it
was great. I chickened out the whole week until I found the perfect opportunity
to spring the talk on him. I got the words that I wanted to hear along with
another, “you’ve got a lot of potential.” I think I’m getting really sick of
hearing that because my mentor told me once, “it doesn’t matter how much
potential a person has, because it’s what they do with it.” I shouldn’t brush
off kind words from someone who doesn’t really express themselves very well but
I guess I’ll write it down. I wish the best for the business, you unfortunately
are your worst enemy. I hope one day that I will be as close to the family I
start, and it’s inspiring that you built everything you have with your wife
from the bottom. Maybe one day I’ll buy that store from the owner and actually
bring out the true potential from it. Your daughter has helped me so much and I
was truly blessed by networking and learning all I could from working there.
It’s bittersweet but I know it will be for the better. It was the most
fulfilling job I’ve been at so far knowing that I was the backbone of the
store. It truly showed me that I have what it takes to run a business and keep
clientele.
My family went out of town to go to my nephew’s first
communion so I was alone for three days. So obvious naked living was in order.
Haha! But honestly, it was so nice not being bothered, maybe it’s just a sign
that I would like to live alone since I have the internet and I won’t truly be
alone ever. I can cook, clean, and do everything that I really need to know to
not be useless. It would even make my parents appreciate me a little more since
I wouldn’t have to see them every day. I just handled business; went to the
gym, went to work, made myself food (I even juiced like I said I would!), fed
my dogs, streamed, and even woke up when I needed to. I guess it only took
twenty years to learn what responsibility is. I suppose I really want it all
now, I can support my family from another building, at least I’ll be in the
same city. I know I’ll probably be here a year or less but I do think it will
be time to leave soon. I’ve never said it on record, but I’m going to pay my
parents mortgage by 2017.
For some reason, every time my family is out of town, my
best friend Danny G is in town. We always ended up drinking and smoking and
just doing hoodlum shit because we finally had a place to do it freely. This
time it was different. It was Danny, Jahlil, and me and we came to my house
after we got breakfast because I invited them to smoke the weed that I couldn’t
smoke. It was nice, because we just got finished with going to some pyramid
scheme that Jahlil joined and we just laughed about it. This fucker made us get
up early and wasted an hour of our life, but it is okay because we all gotta
learn some time. These are my friends that I share ideas with, concepts, what
we think about this world. We spoke about Avatar, because element bending is
such an awesome concept. We came to the conclusion that Danny was a fire-bender
and he is transitioning into an air-bender. The symbolism is that fire-benders
are kind of short-tempered and very impulsive. So the change to an air-bender
means he is attempting to become calm and collected, becoming wiser in his
years. Jahlil on the other hand was an air-bender who was I think was
transitioning into an earth-bender. The transition for him represented becoming
closer to the earth and fleshing out who his as a person. Something that I can
see that has happened due to his new-found appreciation for nature and its
beauty. Then they said that I wasn’t in a transitioning period anymore, because
I WAS a water-bender. I was chilling
with them sober and the way I was sprawled out on my hammock really represented
how I flow with things. Water is strong, solid, and bends to any situation,
making it the most versatile. I like the fact that water can break boulders
with enough persistence. I have come a long way and I love my brothers. We’re
going to go camping to Yosemite and go to Nocturnal (a EDM rave). I can’t wait
to see where we end up in only six months.
The gym has already become integrated in my life. It’s such
a good place, everyone there is there for a reason. Some do come to socialize
unfortunately but it’s not too bad since they probably burn some calories while
they’re at it. Running on the treadmill
isn’t as fulfilling as running out on the town with my dog but at least it
keeps track of your progress and calories burned. Cardio is so good for you and
I’m falling in love again. I’ve noticed that the people in the water areas seem
the most open. Could it be that the people with the least clothing are the most
comfortable and willing to open up? I’ve fallen in love with the steam room, it
really lets me meditate and center myself. Interesting how I’ve found comfort
in my freezer and then transitioned to the complete opposite. I enjoy breathing
in the vapor from my nose as if I’m taking a hit. Maybe that’s why I enjoy it
so much, possibly being a replacement for my drug habit. I am getting so strong
already and I can already notice the gains since I started lifting pretty heavy
thanks to Daniel. One problem is that due to not smoking anymore, I find it
really hard to get an appetite and I’m not making the calories I have to make
now. I’m under most of the days so I have to catch up with huge portions the
next day.
I know I probably shouldn’t be writing about you even more
but I want to express it. Every month seems to be a new experience and obstacle
I have to overcome to strengthen us. I do have to mention that you’re getting
so fucking good at Street Fighter. I also have to thank you for helping me gain
confidence at UGC. Knowing someone was looking at the brackets to see me
progress and sending me matchup-videos really meant the world to me. I think
winning my first match and seeing that you messaged me about winning already
was the highlight of my night. It made me become incredibly inflated in the
head that I actually was incredibly
confident against Velociraptor. Hopefully playing with you will become easier
with GTA because it’ll be a lot more fun and bullshitting unlike the other
games since there isn’t a real goal. I feel as though you want me to pull
harder and I’m not doing it because I want to play it correctly. I want to make
you a priority but I’m not sure where to go with it. I’m just really glad we
had that talk though, because it really put things into perspective. A little
communication from both sides goes a very long way. Also, Imagine writing to
you twice in one sitting. I’m just so full of it. ResidentSleeper
I bought a drug test to make sure I would be clean if they
sprung one on me abruptly. I absolutely freaked out because I took it the day
of the second interview and failed it. Going into it, I told Meeks and my mom
because I have to express myself for things to be alright. So going about it
positively—I went into the second interview. It was a waste of time because I
didn’t meet with Mike, the head honcho of the building, but at least I got to
do the interview again with my future supervisor. I just went over my skills
that would translate to my job and shared about myself. I always said that if
you get me an interview, that I would get the job ez. This time I felt a bit
nervous but I articulated myself fairly well. Although, I noticed I used like
and uhm as a place holder in the beginning. Sam is a great guy and I think he
will make sure I get a position due to the fact that he’s the main person
behind the hiring process (being the Human Resources manager and all.) Dressing
up in suits really makes me feel like I belong there, mainly because I look
really sharp in them and I know my political career will consist of wearing the
monkey suit on a daily basis. The funny
part about failing the drug test is that I read the instructions and the
reality was you don’t fail it even if one of the lines isn’t highlighted all
the way. Feels good to be an idiot… Every day is a learning experience.
My parents are dumb as fuck. I had an exchange with them
today that really made me rethink everything about them. I’m not really being
irresponsible anymore, but I don’t really know what the problem is. I thought
being on the insurance and actually using the car legally would get them off my
back for a bit but now they feel compelled to be petty as fuck. My step-dad
literally texted me, “maybe you should’ve thought about that before selling
your car.” I’ll put it on record. I did sell my car. I sold it because I
thought it would be a good idea to get money for it before It depreciated in
value by a margin. The guy I sold it to needed it a lot more than me and it was
the catalyst for me to start losing weight. It was the point where I improved a
lot. I even bought a good ass computer with part of the money. I still stand by
it being a great decisions with the pros out-weighing the cons but I guess it
doesn’t really matter. I think I plan on getting a place with someone from my
friend group who is responsible. I can’t deal with them being the way that they
are. I’m writing this at five in the morning so hopefully the next entry will
bear better results. I’m hoping we have a talk tomorrow.
I told my mom about using drugs and that I really enjoy
psychedelics. I explained to her that it
only stays in your system for a few days and they don’t really test for it
anyway. Basically I try to educate her as much as possible when it comes to
drugs because she’s ignorant as fuck. She shared a lot of information with me
about her past and we came to the realization that drugs automatically meant
irresponsibly. She didn’t need them to get by even with her really rough
adolescence, so why need them now? I can respect the shit out of that but I’ve
said to her that drugs helped shape who I am as a person. I would not be here
thinking what I think without drugs. I definitely think I was propelled at
least two-three years in wisdom because they opened my mind so much. I met so
many great people and enjoyed many great experiences that wouldn’t have
happened if the herb wasn’t there.
I missed follower Friday and I got a lot of flak for it. I’m
not entirely sure how I feel about it. I feel as though I should be given some
slack since people feel a bit entitled for me giving my sleep up to provide the
streaming experience but at the same time I DO have a schedule that I set out
myself. Maybe I should adjust the schedule and make it a bit more appropriate.
The only reason I didn’t get up was the fact that I went to bed fairly late the
night before the interview and I got up early. And then after that I worked,
THEN hit the gym really hard. I was just plain out exhausted and my body didn’t
want to move because I was getting the well needed recovery that I needed.
There isn’t much you can do about mistakes that have been made already besides
try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s the second follower Friday that
I’ve missed and it’s hopefully the last unexpected one. I’m going to stream
Sunday as a follower day so people can get their games in. A man of the people
I call myself, man have I got a ways to go.
A lot of funny stuff happened this Saturday night. I kissed
my first guy of the night. It was Daniel Hong, we went to a friends and drank a
ridiculous amount to play catch-up with the belligerent people there. As you
all know, I am an incredibly confident and comfortable person. Sexual
orientation has been a hot topic in my stream and within friends lately. So I
thought it would be a perfect opportunity to put my money where my mouth is I
told him just get it done and stop being a bitch, because at the end of the day
I love women so me kissing you won’t mean much really. Maybe it’s just due to
me enjoying people’s reactions to the things that I do. It’s not really
validation but it’s kind of like an exhibitionist. It was such a petty thing. I
think I am going to explore my sexuality a bit more and see to what limit I
feel comfortable with. People at the gym think I’m gay because I carry around a
pink blender-ball flask. Imagine colors representing anything in 2015 l m a o.
Daniel and I had a very good night. He came over and
experienced what it’s like for me streaming. He’s starting to vlog our progress
at the gym, which I love because in three months it will show such huge amounts
of progress because we’ve been going hard as fuck. Today we did a “total body
massacre” as we called it since we missed a lot of days this week. He’s really
going to push me to my limits and that is truly the best thing I can ask for in
a work-out partner. We spoke business ideas too, finally I get to spit some of
this wisdom that I’ve learned this past year. Let’s fucking do this Daniel.
Getting our bodies and wallets SWOLE!
I guess what I learned these weeks is:
Interactions are always important and that you
should always attempt to make a persons’ day just a little bit better. It might
just brighten their shitty night/day and motivate them to make a change in
their life. Words are incredibly powerful.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Deadlines
Another Tuesdaze. One of my worst days in a while. I was congested, coughing, and I had a pounding headache all day. And the best part was that it was incredibly slow at work. I wish I had a co-worker so I could just stay in bed all day. As much as I complain, getting full-time hours is nice. After work, I tried to lie down and sleep, but I couldn't get to sleep until three hours after lying down. I guess staying awake until I'm exhausted has conditioned my body more than I'd like. I ended up sleeping for three hours. But then I got up and made chicken noodle soup I’d bought. I'm lying in bed before work right now and man this sickness better go in a couple days or I'll go mad.
The actual process of streaming has been on my mind. I sit in my room, and I hope people come and chill with me. It's so crazy because the Internet is such a magnificent tool that we can harness to reach each other. I would love to accommodate the European audience, but I have a day job. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure something out eventually.
Native Spanish speakers have been visiting the stream, which means I get to work on my Spanish. It's such a blessing being a Hispanic; you're pretty much forced to learn this other language before you can walk. Actually, I spoke Spanish before English. Then I stopped while still young because I was embarrassed of my Spanish. I've finally embraced my frijole-loving culture and learned how rich it is. Once you make it apparent you speak Spanish to another person who knows the language, it becomes so easy to communicate regardless of other cultural boundaries.
After all these years, I'm still mean to my mom. She only shows how much compassion and love she has toward us. It's just too much sometimes. This happened recently, but I'll give some back story: Everyone in my house is hard of hearing one way or another. My stepdad is deaf in one ear. My sister is deaf in both, so she uses hearing-aids. Then there is my mother, who’s going deaf. I'm used to speaking loudly so I can be heard clearly and understood. I mumble a lot and don't pronounce my words correctly, which doesn’t help. You can probably guess how great communication through my family is. While I started getting sick, my voice was leaving. I was talking lower, so I told my mom I wasn't really going to talk to her because it would be too hard to repeat myself three times. Yesterday, I was trying to sleep, and my mom comes in and asks me five different things at once. I raised my voice and said to leave me alone. She knows I wasn't feeling well, and she didn't say anything the next day. I'll definitely work on being nicer since there is no point in stressing her out more.
I've finally realized how dumb human interaction is. It's just a straight game you play. You grind, putting in all your time and effort, and hopefully they stick around. The less you give, the more they want. Then when you give too much, they don't want anymore. I've lost a lot of people in my life due to them just leaving. I expect it to happen most of the time at this point. I'm a great person to share good times and experiences with. I help you grow and learn a few things about yourself, and then you take a part of me with you. I'll never forget the good times, but it seems like the ones who leave never really cared. Maybe it's because I'm too much of a nice guy. I'm not a pushover by any means, but I care too much and get engulfed by people. I constantly think of possibilities that can come from whoever it is, be it friendships, relationships, or strangers. I was told that I have problems with putting people on pedestals, and it’s due to my expectations. I have to realize people don’t think the same way I do and won’t be putting forth as much energy as I do
My ex left because I didn't give her what she wanted. I was with her for a year and a half during high school. Then we continued to see each other off and on for the past couple of years -- having someone there during the hectic times, like someone to cuddle with or just have a conversation about things bothering you, really makes a difference. Finally she left. I wasn't going to ask her out again, because I wasn't going to deal with her family. I finally earned her parents trust, so everything was going well. Then her wonderful sister saw that her Facebook account was logged in. So she went through some messages and found conversations about our sexual escapades. Not really sure what compelled her sister, but she told her dad. Their family flew into some crazy shit and banned me from their house. We stayed together after, but I didn't enjoy being back to sneaking around like delinquents.
I would have stayed if it was just me and her, but that wasn't going to happen in a real relationship. I've finally gone over the scenarios, and I’m okay with it. I always told her she needs to get what she deserves because I wasn't going to give it to her. I know it sounds like I was just some dick, but I just wasn't totally invested. I helped her finally be comfortable with who she is, and I’m proud of that because it shows how people can respond well to outside help and really better themselves. She's finally joining movements and is speaking her mind. I'm still talking about this because I miss embrace, and that's what I've been yearning for. You get used to having someone in your arms late into the night. Now I just use the bed to sleep since I'm trying to program myself to knock-out when I lie on it.
Friday has been magnificent!
I gamed with the gamer and, with alcohol as fuel, hilarity ensued. It’s astounding how you’re your confidence grows with alcohol. It's nice to see the progress with you. Every day that caring, nutty, salty caramel center shows more and more. The fact that you don't remember anything makes it even funnier. I'm trying to give you the time and attention you need. I've just gotta work harder at it and you know I'll put the effort in. The laughs we share are always my favorite and they really make my day.
Work’s going so well that nothing can stop me. I’m a born-salesman when I believe in my product and costumers getting what they want. I'm still in the process of training my new co-worker (and soon to be replacement). He's shaping up to be really good. He's going to be able to take care of the store, and I won't feel so bad leaving. I delivered to SYGMA (the company where I have lined up to work), and today I looked at it differently. It felt like I was getting acquainted with a new home I would be buying in the future. I hope I work in the freezer area since I've grown accustomed to the colder area and they get gear to make it not such a bad experience. The freezer at work has been my tranquility zone. I sometimes sit in it and meditate to center myself. I hope to find the same comfort from the below-zero environment.
I got a call when I was finishing up from a number I didn't recognize so I let it ring and go to voicemail. It was Sam! He said to call him back regarding my position. As I called him, I just yelled fuck to the heavens. Life has done it again. Proving that self-sabotage is perpetual in my life. I started smoking. I dun goofed bad. But I’m not a quitter. I’ll always persevere when there are no other options. Failure is DEFINITELY not an option. My ticket won't burn up because of my adolescent ignorance.
Sam said to get my resume ready and apply online. The interview is Thursday. I have six days to get clean, and I know I can do it. I'm a wrestler. I've lost pounds and pounds of sweat when I needed to. I'm going to need to call upon some force, be it God or the universal energy. I need you to assist me. I need this to work out. I’ll put in the work-- just don't let me fuck this up. I need this for my family and close ones. The first step of my new life!
I really needed to write. I was jittery after that experience because I needed to get it out. I needed to access the situation in a better perspective. I know I think I can conquer the world no matter the obstacles, but I’m utterly terrified. Freddy Martinez: The drug doer. Paying for the sins of his habitual medication.
So last thing I left was about this lady, Sharan. I was going to explain how helping her out and opening my mouth gave me an opportunity, but she never ended up calling me. So gg??
So many productive things happened Sunday. Got my membership at 24-Hour-Fitness for hella cheap and, fixed the situation with Sam. I got the interview date changed to next Tuesday, so that’s PLENTY of time at the rate I’m working on it. I'm sweating from cardio, the steam room, and taking five niacin pills at a time. I believe that me getting this opportunity is going to make me go back to God . Sam has a lot of faith, and he always puts God first. I don’t want to act arrogant, but I want to think that all these things have happened from my doing . Shad said in one of my favorite songs:
This wisdom of man is foolishness to God
Don't build on the sand or trust in the odds
Be shrewd as the snakes and innocent as doves
Don't succumb to hate, overcome hate with love
I know March isn’t over yet, but I didn’t make my goal unless I get thirty-four followers in these next three days. I’ve noticed that I set my goals really high, so that even if it doesn’t work out I’m satisfied. I made my goal of getting down to one-hundred and sixty pounds. Now tThe next goal is to put on fifteen pounds of muscle by June. Three months isn’t too much time, but I think I’ll accomplish it with my current state of mind is at. Life is only beginning, and it’s so exciting.
The actual process of streaming has been on my mind. I sit in my room, and I hope people come and chill with me. It's so crazy because the Internet is such a magnificent tool that we can harness to reach each other. I would love to accommodate the European audience, but I have a day job. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure something out eventually.
Native Spanish speakers have been visiting the stream, which means I get to work on my Spanish. It's such a blessing being a Hispanic; you're pretty much forced to learn this other language before you can walk. Actually, I spoke Spanish before English. Then I stopped while still young because I was embarrassed of my Spanish. I've finally embraced my frijole-loving culture and learned how rich it is. Once you make it apparent you speak Spanish to another person who knows the language, it becomes so easy to communicate regardless of other cultural boundaries.
After all these years, I'm still mean to my mom. She only shows how much compassion and love she has toward us. It's just too much sometimes. This happened recently, but I'll give some back story: Everyone in my house is hard of hearing one way or another. My stepdad is deaf in one ear. My sister is deaf in both, so she uses hearing-aids. Then there is my mother, who’s going deaf. I'm used to speaking loudly so I can be heard clearly and understood. I mumble a lot and don't pronounce my words correctly, which doesn’t help. You can probably guess how great communication through my family is. While I started getting sick, my voice was leaving. I was talking lower, so I told my mom I wasn't really going to talk to her because it would be too hard to repeat myself three times. Yesterday, I was trying to sleep, and my mom comes in and asks me five different things at once. I raised my voice and said to leave me alone. She knows I wasn't feeling well, and she didn't say anything the next day. I'll definitely work on being nicer since there is no point in stressing her out more.
I've finally realized how dumb human interaction is. It's just a straight game you play. You grind, putting in all your time and effort, and hopefully they stick around. The less you give, the more they want. Then when you give too much, they don't want anymore. I've lost a lot of people in my life due to them just leaving. I expect it to happen most of the time at this point. I'm a great person to share good times and experiences with. I help you grow and learn a few things about yourself, and then you take a part of me with you. I'll never forget the good times, but it seems like the ones who leave never really cared. Maybe it's because I'm too much of a nice guy. I'm not a pushover by any means, but I care too much and get engulfed by people. I constantly think of possibilities that can come from whoever it is, be it friendships, relationships, or strangers. I was told that I have problems with putting people on pedestals, and it’s due to my expectations. I have to realize people don’t think the same way I do and won’t be putting forth as much energy as I do
My ex left because I didn't give her what she wanted. I was with her for a year and a half during high school. Then we continued to see each other off and on for the past couple of years -- having someone there during the hectic times, like someone to cuddle with or just have a conversation about things bothering you, really makes a difference. Finally she left. I wasn't going to ask her out again, because I wasn't going to deal with her family. I finally earned her parents trust, so everything was going well. Then her wonderful sister saw that her Facebook account was logged in. So she went through some messages and found conversations about our sexual escapades. Not really sure what compelled her sister, but she told her dad. Their family flew into some crazy shit and banned me from their house. We stayed together after, but I didn't enjoy being back to sneaking around like delinquents.
I would have stayed if it was just me and her, but that wasn't going to happen in a real relationship. I've finally gone over the scenarios, and I’m okay with it. I always told her she needs to get what she deserves because I wasn't going to give it to her. I know it sounds like I was just some dick, but I just wasn't totally invested. I helped her finally be comfortable with who she is, and I’m proud of that because it shows how people can respond well to outside help and really better themselves. She's finally joining movements and is speaking her mind. I'm still talking about this because I miss embrace, and that's what I've been yearning for. You get used to having someone in your arms late into the night. Now I just use the bed to sleep since I'm trying to program myself to knock-out when I lie on it.
Friday has been magnificent!
I gamed with the gamer and, with alcohol as fuel, hilarity ensued. It’s astounding how you’re your confidence grows with alcohol. It's nice to see the progress with you. Every day that caring, nutty, salty caramel center shows more and more. The fact that you don't remember anything makes it even funnier. I'm trying to give you the time and attention you need. I've just gotta work harder at it and you know I'll put the effort in. The laughs we share are always my favorite and they really make my day.
Work’s going so well that nothing can stop me. I’m a born-salesman when I believe in my product and costumers getting what they want. I'm still in the process of training my new co-worker (and soon to be replacement). He's shaping up to be really good. He's going to be able to take care of the store, and I won't feel so bad leaving. I delivered to SYGMA (the company where I have lined up to work), and today I looked at it differently. It felt like I was getting acquainted with a new home I would be buying in the future. I hope I work in the freezer area since I've grown accustomed to the colder area and they get gear to make it not such a bad experience. The freezer at work has been my tranquility zone. I sometimes sit in it and meditate to center myself. I hope to find the same comfort from the below-zero environment.
I got a call when I was finishing up from a number I didn't recognize so I let it ring and go to voicemail. It was Sam! He said to call him back regarding my position. As I called him, I just yelled fuck to the heavens. Life has done it again. Proving that self-sabotage is perpetual in my life. I started smoking. I dun goofed bad. But I’m not a quitter. I’ll always persevere when there are no other options. Failure is DEFINITELY not an option. My ticket won't burn up because of my adolescent ignorance.
Sam said to get my resume ready and apply online. The interview is Thursday. I have six days to get clean, and I know I can do it. I'm a wrestler. I've lost pounds and pounds of sweat when I needed to. I'm going to need to call upon some force, be it God or the universal energy. I need you to assist me. I need this to work out. I’ll put in the work-- just don't let me fuck this up. I need this for my family and close ones. The first step of my new life!
I really needed to write. I was jittery after that experience because I needed to get it out. I needed to access the situation in a better perspective. I know I think I can conquer the world no matter the obstacles, but I’m utterly terrified. Freddy Martinez: The drug doer. Paying for the sins of his habitual medication.
So last thing I left was about this lady, Sharan. I was going to explain how helping her out and opening my mouth gave me an opportunity, but she never ended up calling me. So gg??
So many productive things happened Sunday. Got my membership at 24-Hour-Fitness for hella cheap and, fixed the situation with Sam. I got the interview date changed to next Tuesday, so that’s PLENTY of time at the rate I’m working on it. I'm sweating from cardio, the steam room, and taking five niacin pills at a time. I believe that me getting this opportunity is going to make me go back to God . Sam has a lot of faith, and he always puts God first. I don’t want to act arrogant, but I want to think that all these things have happened from my doing . Shad said in one of my favorite songs:
This wisdom of man is foolishness to God
Don't build on the sand or trust in the odds
Be shrewd as the snakes and innocent as doves
Don't succumb to hate, overcome hate with love
I know March isn’t over yet, but I didn’t make my goal unless I get thirty-four followers in these next three days. I’ve noticed that I set my goals really high, so that even if it doesn’t work out I’m satisfied. I made my goal of getting down to one-hundred and sixty pounds. Now tThe next goal is to put on fifteen pounds of muscle by June. Three months isn’t too much time, but I think I’ll accomplish it with my current state of mind is at. Life is only beginning, and it’s so exciting.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Connections
I was late on the last entry due to not writing until Monday. It was such a therapeutic one too. I had an hour lunch and just wrote and wrote. Makes the time go by fast and really stimulates my mind. My friend has been editing my work, and it makes me realize how deprived I am of being rated critically. I forgot how important it is to make sure to read, or just challenging yourself mentally so your brain doesn't turn to mush. I haven't really told anyone but him, but I'm going to write an auto-biography as a memento to the astounding life I've lived so far. All the good, the bad -- every nook and cranny. This is why I started writing. I might turn these into entries to recount events, but I don't know if this blog will become too convoluted.
I mentioned the "Tuesdaze" last entry, and I got called out on being too vague. I didn't write much on it, because I couldn't explain it well. But after another one, I really feel weak on Tuesday. I feel mentally vacant, like a husk. I was fairly productive that day; you have to take advantage of your free time when you only having one day off a week.
I absolutely love juicing, and I especially love beets. I’ll make sure to juice every day off and continue making a pitcher full -- hopefully my family can drink some too. It's like an energy tonic; I use carrots, celery, apples, spinach, bell peppers (red, green, and yellow), and fat-ass beets. The only downside is I make such a mess, but there really isn't an excuse not to clean it up since I have the whole day.
I also did a good amount of yard work. I laugh to myself whenever I think of my first actual job. When a new Pokémon game I wanted was going to come out, I would go around and mow my neighbors’ lawns. I specifically wanted both versions because I knew one of my friends would want to play it, and I would trade from the beginning to get all the starters. That probably started at the age of twelve. I was going to get all the homies and start a summertime business, since I have the tools and experience. It's not too demanding of work and the payoff is decent, but you know how it goes -- people don't wanna work!
After I finished juicing, my mom wanted to eat. So we went to one of our favorite Chinese places, Little Szechwan. I enjoy getting my mom alone because she can speak freely without anyone else judging or holding her back from expressing herself. I've finally been successful with convincing her to comprehend the idea of starting and running our own business. I hit her close to home and told her Henry (my step-father) probably won't be able to work in three years due to his body catching up with him. I told her we can do it if we start saving, and maybe in three years it wouldn't be such a far-fetched idea. I expressed that if she took a second to look around the boulevard where we were eating, she would realize there were so many different businesses; and being on the boulevard gave it consistent traffic.
Today I'm undergoing the sketchiest business transaction of my life thus far. I’m prepared to give one of my costumers $300 in exchange for a fixie bike. It's sketchy because I've only seen the bike in a picture and she's being a middle man. My mom has been adamant about me reconsidering and just going to a store. But my mother is the most paranoid, indecisive, suspicious, and over-protective women I know. Always something someone shouldn't be doing, but regardless she’s just looking out for me. I can't express how I appreciate it, because she goes into "I've lived longer, and I know more." Obviously, mother, but you don't have to be so arrogant about it. Kerry is the chick. She hasn't shown up yet, so I'm sketched out. But I'm crossing fingers hoping I'll be rewarded for trusting someone with my own judgment.
Update on the bike: This chick didn't show up at all that day, and I told my mom I would be riding my bike home. So me being the all-powerful improviser -- I ended up running three-and-a-half miles to my friend Jahlil’s house.
I love Jahlil so much. He needs someone to help guide him because he's so lost right now. It's as if I'm looking into a time machine and seeing myself six months ago. We spoke about many things, but the main one was a concern I had and made me take my drastic step of cutting off my friends. He hates that his current friends just smoke and chill -- that's it. Nothing exciting. No adding to their life experiences. Just being stoners. And I have to say, that isn’t how you use marijuana. You have it augment your experience and add an unforgettable memory. It's always an adventure when Mary is around~
We went to WinCo because munchies, obviously. I had an interesting experience I don't think I'll ever forget. (Side note: I think I've converted to almond milk.) We were walking back to his house and from what I saw, this girl needed help. She was screaming "get away from me!” and “I need help!"
I've always fantasized of helping people in dire situations, so I told Jahlil we were going over there. So we run up to this guy, and I question him in an assertive voice. "What's going on?" I’m ready to sock the shit out of this guy, but then I see the girl; she’s tripping the fuck out. She was being delusional. Her friend told me later that she just took a dab before arriving there, so I'm assuming her demons were getting to her. I grabbed her and kept her at arm’s length because she seemed like she was going to claw or jump on me. I asked what she saw, and she started to sit in the middle of the parking lot and tell me she only saw black. This bitch was looking at the gravel! I convinced her to sit on the curb, but she ended up crawling there on all four. I had to tell her to follow my voice and stop on the gray (the curb). Finally, I settled her down by having her take deep breaths and focus on a tree in the distance. I felt like I was 100% in control and that I could calm her down. It was such a surreal experience. Her friends were a bunch of fuck bois, too. One came up to me while I was trying to help her. He thought I gave a shit and told me he has a scholarship lined up and he didn't want to mess it up. Imagine being this naive and not focusing on your friend. I had to leave, so I patted her on the back and told her great job. There’s this look that people get when they're under the influence. It scares me because we have a power when we use our words. Nothing in the world matters, just what they're focusing on and you have their undivided attention. I know I'll have to get used to it for the future, but damn is it unnerving.
Yvette came home. Although I joke about it with my friend, I truly think she’s the love of my life. I've come to terms with there not being a mutual attraction. I like how she appreciates the world so much, and it opened my eyes. She was my companion last summer. We talked a lot and hung out even more. It was so nice having it be my last summer of hanging out and being free from adulthood. She even met my circle jerk (my Internet boys) when they came out here for Hard Summer (two day EDM festival). I've also helped her grow; I just found out I'm one of the only people whom she can carry a conversation about things that actually matter, not just simple dialogue. She always comes through -- she calls me and then all of a sudden it turns into an adventure.
I got to know her little brother, spending so much time at her house. It's crazy seeing yourself in people. This kid was being raised exactly how I was, and it disgusted me. He was being taught about the world with a veil between him and the truth. The world is a fucked up place and raising a child with nativity is asking for trouble. He hasn't truly left the womb, because his mother is just as overbearing as mine. We talked about racism and his friends and what they discussed. It was cute how he got all embarrassed when I asked him if he liked any girls. This kid said three! I was a little player when I was his age too. We told him that even though we're adults, we can be his friends and confidants if there’s anything on his mind. We connected so easily thanks to video games. He's going to be a great young man, but he needs to be exposed to the world and embrace it. ‘Good kid, MAAD world’ seems to fit.
Saturday is Spooky Saturday's, and I try to hype it up as much as possible so people can come through. I'm doing pretty well with my goal, and I think I'll actually be able to make it to 300 followers by the end of March. But back to Saturday: I ended up almost not going to Yvette’s get together because, I was gaming with my gamer. It’s my favorite thing at the end of long days -- pretty sure it's the only thing keeping me sane. Especially since we haven't spent much time together this past week because I fall asleep. But I said I was going to go, so I shall. I got bitched at by my friends who were at Yvette’s house. I said I was leaving early because I had obligations, leaving out the specifics. I haven't gained any confidence when it comes to what I do every night. Maybe in a couple of years I'll speak up. Streaming won't be so unheard of, and my asset will actually be something great by then. Anyway, I ended up getting home around eleven because I was enjoying myself and I haven't gone out in a good minute.
I went out back with Yvette again and enjoyed sharing a session. We ended up meditating in the middle of her backyard under the stars. I fucking love nature and its beauty. I’ll see the world and all it has to offer while I'm still a young adventurer. I explained how when I see her, I feel as if it's a checkpoint, since it's always every couple of months. I share my hopes and dreams, and it’s going to be satisfying when everything finally comes together and becomes a reality. I told her I'm on a mission to become the best human being in the world. You can call me a try–hard, but it’s easy to make things "perfect" with a little extra effort. Being able to make unforgettable experiences for people means a lot to me.
The final goodbyes were had today. I would make deliveries once or twice a week to this prison in my town. All the people in there were so nice. I made many connections with the workers, even an invitation to work there when I turned twenty-one. There were two people who I hope I cross paths with again: Douglas, the security guard I would chit–chat and share my plans with, and one of the cafeteria ladies. I never got her name, but she would call me mijo (son in Spanish). Her late son and I share birthdays. She explained how he was shot around my age because he was down in Los Angeles and I guess some guys thought he was a gang-banger from another part of town. This lady even invited me to her other son’s birthday party, which I flaked on because I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. She would always ask how my day went, and every single time she asked if she could get a lower price on Ice!
Douglas is one of the chilliest guys I’ve ever met. It started off with talking about what I was studying at school. And obviously I’m going to take the opportunity to ramble on about myself. I told him how I plan on running for Mayor and that he should vote for me when the time comes. After the weeks went by, it would be a really cool part of the day for him because he works at the check in. I’m sure he doesn’t have too many conversations, because it’s a pass and go type of deal. I’m going to try to help him get a job at Sygma if it all works out. He was starting the classes for a class A license to become a truck driver. He just needs to make more money for his family, and the reality is that he’s going to have to change occupations even if overtime is pretty good for them. But I got his number, and he sent me a reassuring text that we’ll be in contact.
Ose (my mentor) has helped me to develop at an accelerated rate. He cut the bullshit and told me what works and what doesn’t. I finally didn’t go to sleep or do something later in the night, so I called him for a conference. He’s going to East-Africa and Switzerland for a business trip, to talk policies on a contract he wrote up. Our last encounter was when a lot of problems were happening between me and my family. It’s crazy how much time has elapsed already. I told him today that I’m going to be rich and I’m going to tell everyone I have him to thank for it. Discussing my plans with him and sharing positive news was so satisfying. He knew right away when I lied to him about smoking because I looked to the right and not at his face. I’m going to check out a book, The Power of Focus, so I’ll try to stop by and buy that sometime this week. I’d like to write down a list of things he said:
He shared a Nixon quote that fit my story: “Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.”
One of our favorite ones by Scarface: “First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman.”
And the last thing he told me before I left was: “Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” - Allen Saunders
I mentioned the "Tuesdaze" last entry, and I got called out on being too vague. I didn't write much on it, because I couldn't explain it well. But after another one, I really feel weak on Tuesday. I feel mentally vacant, like a husk. I was fairly productive that day; you have to take advantage of your free time when you only having one day off a week.
I absolutely love juicing, and I especially love beets. I’ll make sure to juice every day off and continue making a pitcher full -- hopefully my family can drink some too. It's like an energy tonic; I use carrots, celery, apples, spinach, bell peppers (red, green, and yellow), and fat-ass beets. The only downside is I make such a mess, but there really isn't an excuse not to clean it up since I have the whole day.
I also did a good amount of yard work. I laugh to myself whenever I think of my first actual job. When a new Pokémon game I wanted was going to come out, I would go around and mow my neighbors’ lawns. I specifically wanted both versions because I knew one of my friends would want to play it, and I would trade from the beginning to get all the starters. That probably started at the age of twelve. I was going to get all the homies and start a summertime business, since I have the tools and experience. It's not too demanding of work and the payoff is decent, but you know how it goes -- people don't wanna work!
After I finished juicing, my mom wanted to eat. So we went to one of our favorite Chinese places, Little Szechwan. I enjoy getting my mom alone because she can speak freely without anyone else judging or holding her back from expressing herself. I've finally been successful with convincing her to comprehend the idea of starting and running our own business. I hit her close to home and told her Henry (my step-father) probably won't be able to work in three years due to his body catching up with him. I told her we can do it if we start saving, and maybe in three years it wouldn't be such a far-fetched idea. I expressed that if she took a second to look around the boulevard where we were eating, she would realize there were so many different businesses; and being on the boulevard gave it consistent traffic.
Today I'm undergoing the sketchiest business transaction of my life thus far. I’m prepared to give one of my costumers $300 in exchange for a fixie bike. It's sketchy because I've only seen the bike in a picture and she's being a middle man. My mom has been adamant about me reconsidering and just going to a store. But my mother is the most paranoid, indecisive, suspicious, and over-protective women I know. Always something someone shouldn't be doing, but regardless she’s just looking out for me. I can't express how I appreciate it, because she goes into "I've lived longer, and I know more." Obviously, mother, but you don't have to be so arrogant about it. Kerry is the chick. She hasn't shown up yet, so I'm sketched out. But I'm crossing fingers hoping I'll be rewarded for trusting someone with my own judgment.
Update on the bike: This chick didn't show up at all that day, and I told my mom I would be riding my bike home. So me being the all-powerful improviser -- I ended up running three-and-a-half miles to my friend Jahlil’s house.
I love Jahlil so much. He needs someone to help guide him because he's so lost right now. It's as if I'm looking into a time machine and seeing myself six months ago. We spoke about many things, but the main one was a concern I had and made me take my drastic step of cutting off my friends. He hates that his current friends just smoke and chill -- that's it. Nothing exciting. No adding to their life experiences. Just being stoners. And I have to say, that isn’t how you use marijuana. You have it augment your experience and add an unforgettable memory. It's always an adventure when Mary is around~
We went to WinCo because munchies, obviously. I had an interesting experience I don't think I'll ever forget. (Side note: I think I've converted to almond milk.) We were walking back to his house and from what I saw, this girl needed help. She was screaming "get away from me!” and “I need help!"
I've always fantasized of helping people in dire situations, so I told Jahlil we were going over there. So we run up to this guy, and I question him in an assertive voice. "What's going on?" I’m ready to sock the shit out of this guy, but then I see the girl; she’s tripping the fuck out. She was being delusional. Her friend told me later that she just took a dab before arriving there, so I'm assuming her demons were getting to her. I grabbed her and kept her at arm’s length because she seemed like she was going to claw or jump on me. I asked what she saw, and she started to sit in the middle of the parking lot and tell me she only saw black. This bitch was looking at the gravel! I convinced her to sit on the curb, but she ended up crawling there on all four. I had to tell her to follow my voice and stop on the gray (the curb). Finally, I settled her down by having her take deep breaths and focus on a tree in the distance. I felt like I was 100% in control and that I could calm her down. It was such a surreal experience. Her friends were a bunch of fuck bois, too. One came up to me while I was trying to help her. He thought I gave a shit and told me he has a scholarship lined up and he didn't want to mess it up. Imagine being this naive and not focusing on your friend. I had to leave, so I patted her on the back and told her great job. There’s this look that people get when they're under the influence. It scares me because we have a power when we use our words. Nothing in the world matters, just what they're focusing on and you have their undivided attention. I know I'll have to get used to it for the future, but damn is it unnerving.
Yvette came home. Although I joke about it with my friend, I truly think she’s the love of my life. I've come to terms with there not being a mutual attraction. I like how she appreciates the world so much, and it opened my eyes. She was my companion last summer. We talked a lot and hung out even more. It was so nice having it be my last summer of hanging out and being free from adulthood. She even met my circle jerk (my Internet boys) when they came out here for Hard Summer (two day EDM festival). I've also helped her grow; I just found out I'm one of the only people whom she can carry a conversation about things that actually matter, not just simple dialogue. She always comes through -- she calls me and then all of a sudden it turns into an adventure.
I got to know her little brother, spending so much time at her house. It's crazy seeing yourself in people. This kid was being raised exactly how I was, and it disgusted me. He was being taught about the world with a veil between him and the truth. The world is a fucked up place and raising a child with nativity is asking for trouble. He hasn't truly left the womb, because his mother is just as overbearing as mine. We talked about racism and his friends and what they discussed. It was cute how he got all embarrassed when I asked him if he liked any girls. This kid said three! I was a little player when I was his age too. We told him that even though we're adults, we can be his friends and confidants if there’s anything on his mind. We connected so easily thanks to video games. He's going to be a great young man, but he needs to be exposed to the world and embrace it. ‘Good kid, MAAD world’ seems to fit.
Saturday is Spooky Saturday's, and I try to hype it up as much as possible so people can come through. I'm doing pretty well with my goal, and I think I'll actually be able to make it to 300 followers by the end of March. But back to Saturday: I ended up almost not going to Yvette’s get together because, I was gaming with my gamer. It’s my favorite thing at the end of long days -- pretty sure it's the only thing keeping me sane. Especially since we haven't spent much time together this past week because I fall asleep. But I said I was going to go, so I shall. I got bitched at by my friends who were at Yvette’s house. I said I was leaving early because I had obligations, leaving out the specifics. I haven't gained any confidence when it comes to what I do every night. Maybe in a couple of years I'll speak up. Streaming won't be so unheard of, and my asset will actually be something great by then. Anyway, I ended up getting home around eleven because I was enjoying myself and I haven't gone out in a good minute.
I went out back with Yvette again and enjoyed sharing a session. We ended up meditating in the middle of her backyard under the stars. I fucking love nature and its beauty. I’ll see the world and all it has to offer while I'm still a young adventurer. I explained how when I see her, I feel as if it's a checkpoint, since it's always every couple of months. I share my hopes and dreams, and it’s going to be satisfying when everything finally comes together and becomes a reality. I told her I'm on a mission to become the best human being in the world. You can call me a try–hard, but it’s easy to make things "perfect" with a little extra effort. Being able to make unforgettable experiences for people means a lot to me.
The final goodbyes were had today. I would make deliveries once or twice a week to this prison in my town. All the people in there were so nice. I made many connections with the workers, even an invitation to work there when I turned twenty-one. There were two people who I hope I cross paths with again: Douglas, the security guard I would chit–chat and share my plans with, and one of the cafeteria ladies. I never got her name, but she would call me mijo (son in Spanish). Her late son and I share birthdays. She explained how he was shot around my age because he was down in Los Angeles and I guess some guys thought he was a gang-banger from another part of town. This lady even invited me to her other son’s birthday party, which I flaked on because I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. She would always ask how my day went, and every single time she asked if she could get a lower price on Ice!
Douglas is one of the chilliest guys I’ve ever met. It started off with talking about what I was studying at school. And obviously I’m going to take the opportunity to ramble on about myself. I told him how I plan on running for Mayor and that he should vote for me when the time comes. After the weeks went by, it would be a really cool part of the day for him because he works at the check in. I’m sure he doesn’t have too many conversations, because it’s a pass and go type of deal. I’m going to try to help him get a job at Sygma if it all works out. He was starting the classes for a class A license to become a truck driver. He just needs to make more money for his family, and the reality is that he’s going to have to change occupations even if overtime is pretty good for them. But I got his number, and he sent me a reassuring text that we’ll be in contact.
Ose (my mentor) has helped me to develop at an accelerated rate. He cut the bullshit and told me what works and what doesn’t. I finally didn’t go to sleep or do something later in the night, so I called him for a conference. He’s going to East-Africa and Switzerland for a business trip, to talk policies on a contract he wrote up. Our last encounter was when a lot of problems were happening between me and my family. It’s crazy how much time has elapsed already. I told him today that I’m going to be rich and I’m going to tell everyone I have him to thank for it. Discussing my plans with him and sharing positive news was so satisfying. He knew right away when I lied to him about smoking because I looked to the right and not at his face. I’m going to check out a book, The Power of Focus, so I’ll try to stop by and buy that sometime this week. I’d like to write down a list of things he said:
He shared a Nixon quote that fit my story: “Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.”
One of our favorite ones by Scarface: “First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman.”
And the last thing he told me before I left was: “Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” - Allen Saunders
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