So much has happened and I've neglected what seems to be everything... Especially myself. I've pushed aside how I feel and that's where my self expression was funneled into content. I neglect and then pour into writings or recordings. Since I stopped doing that again I've felt this overwhelming apathy. Maybe I could even say sadness. I've buried myself in debt via payday loans and credit thinking that I was going to get rich quick. Here's the kicker-- I did, and then threw it away every single time. I've discovered an unrelenting greed deep within my heart. I want it all and it shows in my decisions. Every session I've made plenty of money for someone to say, "I'm good, I'll probably be going now." No, not fucking Freddy. Of course you have to have more, and potentially lose it all. Every. Fucking. Time. I dedicated this year subconsciously and actively to gambling. I understand Poker and Blackjack exponentially, and I can profit on each respectively. The only downside is that you're gambling, and when there is a random outcome, there is no always winning. I get so full of myself thinking that I'm unstoppable.
Not to dwell too much on that, although it has been the main cause of my strife. I fucked up one too many times at work, and I had to step down from leadership. I feel empty when I go to work now. I mattered before, I made decisions, and held it down. Even if I don't feel complete anymore, I learned once again that my carelessness will be the death of me. It will follow me until I die if I don't get it under control. "chill" is one of my favorite expressions because I don't think life is that serious. The thing is you have to adjust when the time comes. Sure it really isn't that serious in reality, but when you're not in a position of power, you fucking handle it. You were always too serious, and overly cautious with everyday being a test. It showed, and reminded me everyday that I don't want to end up like that. I show up, do my job, and try not to be a complete lazy ass. Lets stay a year or more and start looking again. I truly want to pursue poker and gambling but there needs to be such a refinement on my self control for it to work out.
I got a new car recently and I think it's exactly what I need. It's going to keep me structured, because I'll have to be absolutely committed, because I can't push off payments. I was thinking recently to filing bankruptcy, but in the grand scheme of everything, I'm not even that deep. Drowning is how I've described the past few months. Having the floatation device puncture on me and slowly spit out the air inside-- tossing me to the depths of the sea with no return. I've let myself go again. I let everything get to me and eat away. Stop letting it happen. Stop faltering. I've said it countless times every time. Stop fucking faltering. Stop making shitty decisions when you know the answers. I know the pieces fit...
