(this is what I was listening to while I wrote : http://megaranmusic.com/album/mega-ran-9 )
Fuck I am emotional, like I don't think it's normal for a man to have this much estrogen in his body and still function properly. On that note, every single day goes faster and faster. Time is no longer a luxury; it is a very scarce resource. You have to manage it well as the years go on or else it'll just pass you by. No goals, no purpose, to no drive, let it go (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqYpJb9jmZY)
This month has been so strange, new years ended up turning into a shit show staring me as a drunken mess, fueled by my moderators sadistic generousity. BUT I am glad it happened, the universe humbles me everytime, like clockwork. I will use that night as the last night alcohol beats me, I know I can hold my shit but goddamn when alcohol wants to come up, it is hard to keep down. Hennessy is great btw, Daniel came through and I ended up drinking it all like the scumbag that I am!
I read through the last entry and I'm laughing at myself. I literally have a problem lying to MYSELF. Alfonso's birthday yielded a night with my ex as our first night as friends to the public. From what I've heard, we essentially acted the same exact way unfortunately. I got her to smoke again though, so that was pretty satisfying. I want to have the only contact with each other to be working out but this fucking woman dodges every possible chance. I know I said I would continue to attempt but people gotta help themselves I swear.
I suppose that just goes to show that I always care too much about people or situations. I truely believe you can always help everyone, not just some messiah-complex, a real, pragmatic way of approaching people and their problems. I want to heal this world and the only possible way is to reach the creatures inhabiting it first.
Elaborating upon the perpetual lying to myself, I set goals or achievements knowing they will fall through due to the lack of attention. I want to get one thing straight for myself. BASS&SINGING, FITNESS, INSURANCE, STREET FIGHTER, STREAM, CAR. This blog will bring so many benefits because I will just use it as a reference guide whenever I feel weak.
Marijuana has not been mentioned until now. I never thought I had a problem at all until my mother started her usual harping. I noticed yesterday that I do have a more than habitual yearning for it. Specifically told myself that i won't get bud until this Friday (paycheck) so that I don't turn into a dummy stoner who can't handle his funds correctly. Me knowing that was the best course of action was okay with it. Then all of a sudden I finished off the last of the bowl and I had such an urge to get some. I went behind my word but I have to say, this Sour OG is great. I'm elevated as I'm writing this, so I might have a different way of using my diction, here's to see if there is a difference.
I will get this insurance career started by March for sure. After this comes through, life will financially be much better.
A king is nothing without his people-
Monday, January 12, 2015
December 26, 2014
Well this is... Part two?I'm not entirely sure what I'm going for when I write these but I believe it's going to be the start of my narrative involving the adventures of my adolescence.
It seems like this month started just a few days ago, but it's almost the new year. I don't personally believe in doing New Years resolutions because I try to get monthly goals done and I have been at it for some time now. But I suppose I can jot down yearly ones since I am going to record these now. To begin I want to start building my riches. My other bank account is looking scarce so I plan on changing that. I think a good amount to have as a goal for a year is 5k, unless I'm feeling extra greedy, I'll say 10k. I think it's very possible with persistence and patience, I just did the math, to reach 5k I would have to deposit 400 dollars every month. That sounds impossible at the moment but I plan on buckling down and grinding out that insurance license. Wish me luck~
I've already lost a lot of weight so I'm just trying to get my body fat percentage down at this point, which is where an actual diet is needed unfortunately. RIP OVER INDULGENCE. Another goal is to start paving the way for my future, I said I was gonna stick to politics so I can attempt at my pipe dream of changing this world but I've come to a realization, I can't do shit at the moment. I mean it's good but I am only 20 years old so legitimately I won't be able to hold any type of position politically standing. My mentor wants me to take my city by storm and run for mayor in five years but that makes me incredibly uneasy because the amount of time and energy you must exert is ridiculous.
I'm not sure what length I want these typically to be as I want to do my best to not ramble but get the quirky nuances as well. I believe family time is over for the most part, it's been a blast being so generous to my family, I've finally realized why my step father balls out with the kids. The joy that comes forth when you take kids out on an adventure is unforgettable. And with that comes the realization that the world is so damn currency-centric. Speaking of currency, the funeral was incredibly fulfilling, perfect small group of family and close family friends and after the reception was held at my godmothers home. I have to say though, carrying the casket was an incredibly unforgettable experience. That is the greatest honor in my opinion, it was also incredibly heavy. One experience also was that I smoked with two of my god sisters and it showed me once again that marijuana brings people of different ages, backgrounds, and races together. I pledge to hang out with them more often when I get my car. I guess that's another goal. I also have to mention that the amount of tamales I've consumed in this year alone is probably more than I ever have any past year, I hope my body will find a place in its non existent heart to forgive me for all that lard.
I'll try to wrap this up, I think I'll do two a month so the beginning sets the foundation and the second one will fill out the hollow bones. I came to terms with my ex, I decided I'm not going to be an asshole and drop her because if I've leaned anything from being left and forgotten so often is that it's harder to stick around than erase someone from your immediate thoughts. I will be there for her as a friend and confidant. Speaking of which the amount of game I've been spitting to random ladies is ridiculous. I'm insanely proud of how far my confidence has come, I'm developing into a handsome young cougar slayer (I believe I'm going to attempt at getting a sugar momma, I'm not entirely sure though, it will be a challenge). I've found comfort in holding a dapper exterior, it compliments how feminine I am while not compromising my masculinity.
This New Years I've got a bottle of tequila and I am going to stream an unforgettable experience on twitch. I've already contacted my regulars and am preparing the regime. I've been thinking of doing five dollar donations equalling one shot but I'm concerned about how often someone is going to donate and I'll end up with alcohol poisoning or barfing on stream. But alas, no one knows what the future holds. Everyone is beautiful, it just takes a little for people to shine under the right circumstances.
It seems like this month started just a few days ago, but it's almost the new year. I don't personally believe in doing New Years resolutions because I try to get monthly goals done and I have been at it for some time now. But I suppose I can jot down yearly ones since I am going to record these now. To begin I want to start building my riches. My other bank account is looking scarce so I plan on changing that. I think a good amount to have as a goal for a year is 5k, unless I'm feeling extra greedy, I'll say 10k. I think it's very possible with persistence and patience, I just did the math, to reach 5k I would have to deposit 400 dollars every month. That sounds impossible at the moment but I plan on buckling down and grinding out that insurance license. Wish me luck~
I've already lost a lot of weight so I'm just trying to get my body fat percentage down at this point, which is where an actual diet is needed unfortunately. RIP OVER INDULGENCE. Another goal is to start paving the way for my future, I said I was gonna stick to politics so I can attempt at my pipe dream of changing this world but I've come to a realization, I can't do shit at the moment. I mean it's good but I am only 20 years old so legitimately I won't be able to hold any type of position politically standing. My mentor wants me to take my city by storm and run for mayor in five years but that makes me incredibly uneasy because the amount of time and energy you must exert is ridiculous.
I'm not sure what length I want these typically to be as I want to do my best to not ramble but get the quirky nuances as well. I believe family time is over for the most part, it's been a blast being so generous to my family, I've finally realized why my step father balls out with the kids. The joy that comes forth when you take kids out on an adventure is unforgettable. And with that comes the realization that the world is so damn currency-centric. Speaking of currency, the funeral was incredibly fulfilling, perfect small group of family and close family friends and after the reception was held at my godmothers home. I have to say though, carrying the casket was an incredibly unforgettable experience. That is the greatest honor in my opinion, it was also incredibly heavy. One experience also was that I smoked with two of my god sisters and it showed me once again that marijuana brings people of different ages, backgrounds, and races together. I pledge to hang out with them more often when I get my car. I guess that's another goal. I also have to mention that the amount of tamales I've consumed in this year alone is probably more than I ever have any past year, I hope my body will find a place in its non existent heart to forgive me for all that lard.
I'll try to wrap this up, I think I'll do two a month so the beginning sets the foundation and the second one will fill out the hollow bones. I came to terms with my ex, I decided I'm not going to be an asshole and drop her because if I've leaned anything from being left and forgotten so often is that it's harder to stick around than erase someone from your immediate thoughts. I will be there for her as a friend and confidant. Speaking of which the amount of game I've been spitting to random ladies is ridiculous. I'm insanely proud of how far my confidence has come, I'm developing into a handsome young cougar slayer (I believe I'm going to attempt at getting a sugar momma, I'm not entirely sure though, it will be a challenge). I've found comfort in holding a dapper exterior, it compliments how feminine I am while not compromising my masculinity.
This New Years I've got a bottle of tequila and I am going to stream an unforgettable experience on twitch. I've already contacted my regulars and am preparing the regime. I've been thinking of doing five dollar donations equalling one shot but I'm concerned about how often someone is going to donate and I'll end up with alcohol poisoning or barfing on stream. But alas, no one knows what the future holds. Everyone is beautiful, it just takes a little for people to shine under the right circumstances.
December 08, 2014
It has been approximately one month since my twentieth birthday, and I have to say I have a very genuine charm to my life. As it stands currently I am holding a job for an older couple who owns a shop, I am basically their only worker at this point so I am held to a certain standard of availability. I am currently studying for my insurance license to attempt to better my financial standing and four months have passed. My attempt to save money has been futile due to poor decisions and less than fortunate situations arising. I plan to purchase a car soon, here's to hoping for low APR, but if not, I am prepared to be a slave to the socioeconomic machine.
My first major girlfriend, has been an ex for quite a few years now, but we enjoy each other's company in more than one way. She has finally got a new boyfriend and I am ecstatic for her, I just don't like how the situation was handled. I have currently quit real life interaction and have began my online life. With that has come some very interesting people and situations. Life as an up-and coming streamer has been spectacular. I believe it's the only thing I really take joy in doing. I've made 70 bucks in donations so far and I am thrilled to see progress already. I'm currently at 46 followers and they are all very enjoyable individuals. I plan on doubling or tripling it every month.
The most major thing has unfolded tonight though. My father has began the process of passing away tonight and will probably die before six am. After almost 8 years of being at this shitty rehabilitation center, I am overflown with emotion due to the fact that I can finally close this chapter of my life and begin a new one, one where family is my focus. But then there is the dreaded sadness that has followed me for years. Constantly reminding me that I am a piece of shit human being, I am working to better my situations everyday that I live life but I don't think I'm strong enough to do that currently. I have a "drug problem" involving marijuana, it saddens me that my mother is hurt by it, but it has been getting me through the hard days of work and exercise. I plan on doing them throughout the rest of my life with periodic breaks. It does ruin your short term memory and that is one thing that is a fact. I also just made major decision because I am a "man" in a Hispanic culture, guess I gotta get used to it. I will change this world and I will learn to sing beautifully in honor of my father.
Life is good.
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