Hmmm. This month started out on a progress-orientated path. It's due to the fire finally being under my ass. It's make it or break it time. I have the money I need to invest and I need to pay it back in full by six months. I need to make payments of 500 if I want to pay it on time. I have no job guaranteed at Sygma since it fell through, and now I have a goal to accomplish. I want to be stable by the end of the year. Not just for myself but because I want to further my "relationship". Now I know, it's stupid to plan things around other people, but it's more like an addition or reward for getting myself on a stable track. I'm applying to places where I might have a future due to the room for advancement. I will be an entrepreneur one day and I really think it's going to happen soon if I manage myself correctly. Freddy Martinez, the grand loser turned successful philanthropist-- I like it.
I've realized recently that my stream career won't go anywhere unless I start jumping on the top games bandwagon. As much as I love my street fighter following. It won't do anything for me until I actually start getting some exposure by going to majors and not just UGC. Which I actually have been making a buzz in my scene. So many people have admitted that they've seen me stream and it's so cool that my hard work is paying off. I keep playing against top players at my tournament first round so it's a bit daunting but I'll persevere. I'm attempting to catch onto habits as fast as possible since I only have one game of data. My hard reads prove to be quite formidable. I'm so excited for my first major since my jitters have gone away for the most part.
I feel so stupid. I'm literally going the opposite direction of where I want to be mentally. I'm going to be taking a hiatus from the Internet and I'll see where that gets me. I started out saying that the burning desire was there but it fizzled out due to my wisdom teeth surgery setting me back so much. I feel so scatterbrained. I've realized I manifest so many problems and make mountains out of anthills. Expressing myself vocally and writing shows how much I don't learn from my mistakes. I learn better from other's mistakes because I don't truly embrace myself. I know I put my flaws and problems out there but it's the ones I don't address that bring the dominant problems. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm a jealous possessive narcissist who attempts everything and finishes nothing. I get so mad at the people I care about and act brash. Brash seems to be how I'm handling personal affairs lately. I don't see what I want happening, so my mindset turns to aggression or I completely move on from it because I know I won't get my way. Compromise is powerful-- so strong that I can't fully utilize it yet. I stopped using my words because I attempted to be a man of action, but what's left when action falls short? Hollow words of reassurance and shortcomings attempting to bandage the wounds created. I used to think stepping away from the problems was always the best answer but now I know I need to be the strategist that I want to be. I need to actually be pragmatic as I chose my name to represent. Let's make it work Freddy.
On that note-- I'm making it happen. I'm leaving by the end of June and I'm ready. I got my interview on Friday for best buys mobile services. Now I know-- that's not what you said was going to happen Freddy. Listen, I got an opportunity from a friend I helped out a couple of years back and from the looks of it, I can nail this, get my experience, and then move on to Verizon. Getting experience and an opportunity for advancement within a company is very appealing to me since I've always worked for small businesses. I've had it with labor, if I'm not going to school, "I am going to have to be smart in the other way." Plus working hard physically isn't going to benefit my health in the long run. I want to run with my kids and then grandkids. I guess that's me realizing I don't want to die by thirty fighting the good fight, I want to truly build the empire I said I would. I am taking the first steps, which is to plan. I have established some long term goals I eventually want to get to, and ironically enough, these were brought to my attention by my good friends. It's time to save so I can actually invest in the endeavors that I want.
So many things are going to happen but I'm getting so impatient. It's crazy how much time has elapsed already since I actually started writing to keep track of things. It's almost eight months... Anyway, I'm going to be moving in with my friend Alfonso in August and it's going to be so cheap and totally possible to save up. I've moved out a couple of times before but this is it. True independence-- no living under someone else and having that safety net. It's time to prosper, handle my money, manage my time for personal and social affairs. It's going to be up to me, all me, and I get to finally establish that relationship with my parents. I've heard you can't really be friends with your parents while you're under their roof and I definitely understand that. I'm coming at my mom very responsibly now due to the loan that she pulled out, and it's already such a better dynamic. Slowly we will get there, because results are better than no progress. A man of tomorrow gets nothing done today.
PS: I'm going to start doing Vlogs and here is the first one if you haven't seen it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaDWIM3fXdk
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Thursday, June 4, 2015
All my Angles Are Right
Back at it again! The month of May is starting out on a good note. Mother's Day was an interesting day because a good amount happened. I don't really go to church anymore unless I want to be really nice to my parents or it's a holiday. The new church they're going to is actually a couple of blocks down the street so that's a nice change compared to being in the neighboring town. It unfortunately started on a bad note because they were ready to leave me because I woke up late. I got ready in five minutes so there was no need to pull out of the drive way. Those are the things that really bother me above all. My family is habitually late because our time management skills aren't the best. All the clocks in the house are set ten minutes forward so we have a time bumper for when we're actually late. Anyway, we get to the church and after the worship, the first thing the pastor talked about was same sex marriage. It put a sour taste in my mouth already. He spoke about it because he received different receptions about his lesson on it last week so he felt the need to address it. This country is going to be so fucking hard to unite because we're constantly split on everything. Religion and politics are always the touchy subjects because people are so adamant about standing by their views. ITS WRONG, IMMORAL, AND THEY SHOULD BE PURGED. I fucking hate the fact that they can sit there and talk for days of their loving God and then constantly make people feel like they're living their lives wrong. It was over and we went to a second service that was in Spanish. This one was so delightful on the other hand—a complete one-eighty. The community and tight knit groups that I loved about church stood out. We were greeted by so many people because they knew we were new. Worship was great, and they even had a five string bass player! The sermon was even on a different tone. It actually preached about empowering women and how even though they paint women as a weak, it's not true. After that they even had food for fellowship. I actually wouldn't mind returning to this service maybe a couple of times through the months. I know it would make my mom really happy.
My mother and pops went to go visit his past mother’s grave. So I stayed home and ran some more errands. Speaking of this subject. She asked me if we're ever going to see my father’s grave. I kind of gave her a stupid looking face and asked her what she was even asking. She already knows how Judy feels about it. (Judy is my middle sibling.) And I share that view with her. There isn't really a point in visiting besides reminiscing and cleaning up the grave. It's just people's obligations telling them they have to. I remember my father and I shouldn't have to prove it by visiting a tomb with a decomposing body that we spent thousands to bury. She even says she wouldn't want flowers on her grave because she wouldn't see it. That's why I've gotten into the habit of buying her flowers periodically.
I ended up buying my older sister Yvette a hundred dollar gift card for Saphora, a make up store, and then my mother a deep fryer. Now I know that sounds like a strange Mother's Day gift but you gotta understand—a deep fryer would make our lives so much easier. Haha! But that day I realized I'm horrible when it comes to gifts. I went out to buy wrapping paper and I didn’t even want to put the effort into wrapping the damn thing. I've always been broke around the holidays or birthdays because I act selfishly and my budgeting skills aren't the best. But I told myself I would do things differently this year. So it felt good to actually make people happy with my purchases. I’ve ran into someone who have given me a very perspective on special days such as birthdays and holidays. They don’t really celebrate them and don’t agree with the fact that you should buy them things or even make the day special. It was so hard to understand the concept because I was always brought up to at least use this day to show the appreciation because things always come up and it’s nice to show that you care for someone. Getting the gifts actually started turmoil between me and my sister Judy. Judy bought my mom and sister a hundred dollars’ worth on a gift card for Victoria’s secret because they’re expensive as shit. My mom told her she didn’t want anything from her because she didn’t want her to perpetuate her debt just so she could get something. But my sister did it anyway, out of obligation and wanting to buy something nice since that’s how she can express herself since she’s kind of mean sometimes. I told her that they probably would’ve been fine with a fifty dollar card each knowing that you didn’t use credit and just used your money.
Judy is physically handicapped and has been cursed to go through many struggles due to it. I won’t go into too many details but she had multiple surgeries when she was young so now she has a metal rod in her spine, and has to walk with braces on her legs and feet, along with shoe that is elevated two inches to even out her shorter leg. Growing up with my sister was hard because I saw the world for what it was-- judgmental and with no compassion or room for understanding. If something isn’t part of the norm it is considered broken, and it has to be “fixed” or will be shunned. I’ve always hated going out with my sister because the stares that people give are relentless, and it developed an anger issue due to having to tell people to say fuck off or say excuse me to break the stares. I walk proudly now after the years because I realized I have to be, but it was so difficult not to be affected. The one that gets me the most is when children stare, stare, and then turn to their parents to ask them a question about it. I can’t imagine how it must be for my sister to have grown up being so intelligent but being placed with mentally handicapped children because the system didn’t know how to go about it. Judy is actually the smartest person I know and ironically enough the most naïve. Judy has been getting on my nerves as of late because she graduated from college with a degree in creative writing last year and has done absolutely nothing with it. I told my mother recently that she has created an incredibly lazy and intelligent monster by being good mother, and providing everything/ catering to every need. I just recently started telling my mother to make her get up herself and do whatever she wants. If there isn’t food made, she will make it. If there isn’t anyone here to do something, she will do it. She lived with a roommate and independently when she was in college so I know she can do it. She can do anything in this world, it’s just the problem of finding her own ways of accomplishing them. One thing I’ve told myself since I’ve become so self-aware is that I will live my life to the fullest because it will be in my sister’s honor. I will run, jump, fly, skydive, swim, and most importantly live to my full potential for my sister because that’s the least I can do for her. I told her to start something because the internet is a great tool, and I’m sure that people would like to hear her opinion about things since she’s so damn vocal about them. I’m telling her to brainstorm and that she can use my equipment when she’s ready to make something. It’s going to come up soon hopefully. I’ll try to be more supportive.
Little Dragon was spectacular. I had fourty bucks to start off since I got my coins exchanged at work for cash. I put twenty in the tank, and I actually broke the twenty to get a bite to eat because I was starving from working earlier. I drove all the way up the observatory and found out that parking was twenty dollars and there were no negotiations or debit swipes. So what else would Freddy do? Park down the hill in a residential area and walk my ass up. I finally made it, and I have to say, it was the workout of my life. That hill leading to the Greek Theatre was so fucking steep. The funny part was that leg day was the day before so I was really feeling it. I ended up finally getting my ticket and I downed the shrooms that I bought for the show and guzzled down my brisk because I couldn’t bring it in. I finally made it, I made it front row, and there was another band playing, Hiatus Kaiyote. They had great energy and they were a neo-soul band so I was definitely digging it. This was one of my first concert experiences of this magnitude. It was magnificent to see such energies manifesting. Finally, it was time for Little Dragon to come up, and the scary part of the shrooms trip began pre-show setup. Schizophrenia is definitely a really scary thing and I can see how that’s an adverse effect of using these things in the wrong environment. I’ve been doing my research and it’s not a problem as long as you don’t do them so recurrently. The fact that I was willing to do them in a concert environment was kind of naïve of me, but it was definitely worth it. I just told myself to breath and I was focusing on lights because that’s really all I could do. I really wanted to sit down as well, but I didn’t want to lose my front row spot that I worked to get during the set before. Finally, the backdrop for Little Dragon came on and it was really psychedelic looking. The face was white and it would start to drip progressively during the show and it also had a checkered pattered on the right side. Yukimi came out, and it was a dream turned reality. I finally heard her voice live, and it was just so strange to have listened to these guys on my ipod for so many years, then finally learning that they’re a million times better live. I have a personal problem with dancing, it was mainly due to being overweight but now that I’ve been working on it I do feel a level of confidence. Man did I dance the whole night away, it was so strange, and the rhythm possessed my body because I didn’t stop until the end of the show. It was a blast! I felt in sync with the band, and the light show that they provided was excellent because it was in tandem with the music. I was still really high from the shrooms when they ended so I went down the never-ending hill and listened to my music. Never has the music playing on my ipod never been so good. Everything felt like a movie as I was going down the hill with the credits rolling, but the movie was far from over. I realized that every time I take shrooms, love becomes very apparent. I want to express love to the people I care about. I kept thinking about my family and then my love interest. I actually called my mom and it was great because we just talked and I expressed how much I cared for her. Maybe it’s bad that I only do these things under the influence of drugs but I know I was using them to get to this point. As I was walking down the hill these girls that were next to me being my backup singers walked next to me. They were from the UK and it was great talking to them. The boyfriend seemed a bit fed up about something but I think it was just because I was shining too hard from the shrooms. I finally got to the car and I called the one person I wanted to talk to. She has turned into what I told her to become apparently, which is a cheeky little munster who entertains me by keeping me on my toes, and making sure that I do the things I say I will do. It becomes pretty taxing sometimes but overall I appreciate the company of someone who seems to care about me. We actually spoke of the night and I realized it wasn’t actually exactly how I remembered. I said very vulgar things to her, and that’s not something she needs to hear. I vaguely remember saying that she makes me express passion and I think that’s where the train set off. I finally said I loved her though, which won’t get me anywhere at this point. But she helped me sober up before I went on my hour-long drive home. As I started to drive I realized that I wasn’t good yet, so I stopped at the gas station and I met this really good individual, Ricky. Right when I walked in, he was talking to this girl and they were both feeling each other and I could tell. We spoke about his business, why the ladies be bullshitting, and that we should hang out. We exchanged numbers and I actually want to network with this guy, it’s just hard because he’s in the booming city of LA. I actually got lost after I left because I went to Walgreens to buy my mom flowers and the GPS didn’t function correctly after that for some reason. I got back on track and finally got home safely though! Overall it was an incredible experience and I would love to go see them live in their native country, Sweden, sometime in the future.
I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to articulate anything. It’s actually due to my editor being in his own problems so he can’t really push me or actually edit them. But proofreading and actually editing for myself is good to do since I skipped that step when I sent them to him. My new mentor, Garrett, is a really genuine individual. I have to thank him for being there for me when I have concerns and being able to counsel with him. It’s crazy seeing how much time has passed since I’ve met him, and how bad of a player I used to be. He is on my list of people I will meet thanks to the internet, and it’ll be a great to be able to see Green Ol’ Oregon as a bonus.
Lots of personal problems happened this month. I was attempting to convince my mother to get a loan so I could start some type of investment towards my financial future. She was so worried about everything, and that’s one thing that irritates me about my mother. She is incredibly indecisive about everything and can’t make decisions without second guessing herself or getting someone’s input. I understand it’s hard and you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but decisions have to be made especially if no one decides. She came at me really raw, which is good, and I told her I appreciate her concern but she needs to shift the focus to my sister. She said, you act like you know everything, school isn’t even on your list, you’re still doing drugs, you’re not sleeping like you should, and you’re not getting anywhere in life—you’re almost twenty-one! You can’t wait for someone to give you a job, you have to go out and get it. It’s true, I have been waiting on Sam because I assumed it would be a sure thing. But what it looks like is that maybe it’s actually not going to go through until later months unfortunately. I’m going to start applying places and hopefully I can get something. It’s just really hard in this city. I don’t want to leave it but if things don’t start changing I might try somewhere else. I feel stuck, I kept telling myself things will work out and just be patient, but I am getting incredibly impatient. I’ve been working on everything from within except actually getting a good job. I honestly don’t mind giving myself up for full time, but it’s only shitty jobs with shitty pay. I am clean so there isn’t really a barrier now. I’ve been working on everything I could work on and I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a rut because it would’ve happened now but I just want to vocalize this defeat. It sucks being so powerless when trying to convey a powerful front. I said I would leave my job by the end of the month and then I realized it wasn’t because I was planning anything. I just did what Freddy always does and have a general guideline then I normally stray from it, then fumble, then finally realize that I was being a fool from the beginning. June will be different, I will die trying. Thirty days to make it happen. There has been a lack of burning desire, and I think it’s because I’m in such a safe environment and I can get away with not actually doing anything. I’m not really contributing at all to this home because my hours were ass last month.
I don’t want to keep writing because these are getting too long. I’ll do my best to do the bi-weekly entries, I just have to make sure I write something.
So find a new job by the end of June.
Find something to invest the money
No 0-2 at UGC
Don’t falter from working out
Make long-term goals and write them out
Communicate things better
Schedule the singing lessons
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY
My mother and pops went to go visit his past mother’s grave. So I stayed home and ran some more errands. Speaking of this subject. She asked me if we're ever going to see my father’s grave. I kind of gave her a stupid looking face and asked her what she was even asking. She already knows how Judy feels about it. (Judy is my middle sibling.) And I share that view with her. There isn't really a point in visiting besides reminiscing and cleaning up the grave. It's just people's obligations telling them they have to. I remember my father and I shouldn't have to prove it by visiting a tomb with a decomposing body that we spent thousands to bury. She even says she wouldn't want flowers on her grave because she wouldn't see it. That's why I've gotten into the habit of buying her flowers periodically.
I ended up buying my older sister Yvette a hundred dollar gift card for Saphora, a make up store, and then my mother a deep fryer. Now I know that sounds like a strange Mother's Day gift but you gotta understand—a deep fryer would make our lives so much easier. Haha! But that day I realized I'm horrible when it comes to gifts. I went out to buy wrapping paper and I didn’t even want to put the effort into wrapping the damn thing. I've always been broke around the holidays or birthdays because I act selfishly and my budgeting skills aren't the best. But I told myself I would do things differently this year. So it felt good to actually make people happy with my purchases. I’ve ran into someone who have given me a very perspective on special days such as birthdays and holidays. They don’t really celebrate them and don’t agree with the fact that you should buy them things or even make the day special. It was so hard to understand the concept because I was always brought up to at least use this day to show the appreciation because things always come up and it’s nice to show that you care for someone. Getting the gifts actually started turmoil between me and my sister Judy. Judy bought my mom and sister a hundred dollars’ worth on a gift card for Victoria’s secret because they’re expensive as shit. My mom told her she didn’t want anything from her because she didn’t want her to perpetuate her debt just so she could get something. But my sister did it anyway, out of obligation and wanting to buy something nice since that’s how she can express herself since she’s kind of mean sometimes. I told her that they probably would’ve been fine with a fifty dollar card each knowing that you didn’t use credit and just used your money.
Judy is physically handicapped and has been cursed to go through many struggles due to it. I won’t go into too many details but she had multiple surgeries when she was young so now she has a metal rod in her spine, and has to walk with braces on her legs and feet, along with shoe that is elevated two inches to even out her shorter leg. Growing up with my sister was hard because I saw the world for what it was-- judgmental and with no compassion or room for understanding. If something isn’t part of the norm it is considered broken, and it has to be “fixed” or will be shunned. I’ve always hated going out with my sister because the stares that people give are relentless, and it developed an anger issue due to having to tell people to say fuck off or say excuse me to break the stares. I walk proudly now after the years because I realized I have to be, but it was so difficult not to be affected. The one that gets me the most is when children stare, stare, and then turn to their parents to ask them a question about it. I can’t imagine how it must be for my sister to have grown up being so intelligent but being placed with mentally handicapped children because the system didn’t know how to go about it. Judy is actually the smartest person I know and ironically enough the most naïve. Judy has been getting on my nerves as of late because she graduated from college with a degree in creative writing last year and has done absolutely nothing with it. I told my mother recently that she has created an incredibly lazy and intelligent monster by being good mother, and providing everything/ catering to every need. I just recently started telling my mother to make her get up herself and do whatever she wants. If there isn’t food made, she will make it. If there isn’t anyone here to do something, she will do it. She lived with a roommate and independently when she was in college so I know she can do it. She can do anything in this world, it’s just the problem of finding her own ways of accomplishing them. One thing I’ve told myself since I’ve become so self-aware is that I will live my life to the fullest because it will be in my sister’s honor. I will run, jump, fly, skydive, swim, and most importantly live to my full potential for my sister because that’s the least I can do for her. I told her to start something because the internet is a great tool, and I’m sure that people would like to hear her opinion about things since she’s so damn vocal about them. I’m telling her to brainstorm and that she can use my equipment when she’s ready to make something. It’s going to come up soon hopefully. I’ll try to be more supportive.
Little Dragon was spectacular. I had fourty bucks to start off since I got my coins exchanged at work for cash. I put twenty in the tank, and I actually broke the twenty to get a bite to eat because I was starving from working earlier. I drove all the way up the observatory and found out that parking was twenty dollars and there were no negotiations or debit swipes. So what else would Freddy do? Park down the hill in a residential area and walk my ass up. I finally made it, and I have to say, it was the workout of my life. That hill leading to the Greek Theatre was so fucking steep. The funny part was that leg day was the day before so I was really feeling it. I ended up finally getting my ticket and I downed the shrooms that I bought for the show and guzzled down my brisk because I couldn’t bring it in. I finally made it, I made it front row, and there was another band playing, Hiatus Kaiyote. They had great energy and they were a neo-soul band so I was definitely digging it. This was one of my first concert experiences of this magnitude. It was magnificent to see such energies manifesting. Finally, it was time for Little Dragon to come up, and the scary part of the shrooms trip began pre-show setup. Schizophrenia is definitely a really scary thing and I can see how that’s an adverse effect of using these things in the wrong environment. I’ve been doing my research and it’s not a problem as long as you don’t do them so recurrently. The fact that I was willing to do them in a concert environment was kind of naïve of me, but it was definitely worth it. I just told myself to breath and I was focusing on lights because that’s really all I could do. I really wanted to sit down as well, but I didn’t want to lose my front row spot that I worked to get during the set before. Finally, the backdrop for Little Dragon came on and it was really psychedelic looking. The face was white and it would start to drip progressively during the show and it also had a checkered pattered on the right side. Yukimi came out, and it was a dream turned reality. I finally heard her voice live, and it was just so strange to have listened to these guys on my ipod for so many years, then finally learning that they’re a million times better live. I have a personal problem with dancing, it was mainly due to being overweight but now that I’ve been working on it I do feel a level of confidence. Man did I dance the whole night away, it was so strange, and the rhythm possessed my body because I didn’t stop until the end of the show. It was a blast! I felt in sync with the band, and the light show that they provided was excellent because it was in tandem with the music. I was still really high from the shrooms when they ended so I went down the never-ending hill and listened to my music. Never has the music playing on my ipod never been so good. Everything felt like a movie as I was going down the hill with the credits rolling, but the movie was far from over. I realized that every time I take shrooms, love becomes very apparent. I want to express love to the people I care about. I kept thinking about my family and then my love interest. I actually called my mom and it was great because we just talked and I expressed how much I cared for her. Maybe it’s bad that I only do these things under the influence of drugs but I know I was using them to get to this point. As I was walking down the hill these girls that were next to me being my backup singers walked next to me. They were from the UK and it was great talking to them. The boyfriend seemed a bit fed up about something but I think it was just because I was shining too hard from the shrooms. I finally got to the car and I called the one person I wanted to talk to. She has turned into what I told her to become apparently, which is a cheeky little munster who entertains me by keeping me on my toes, and making sure that I do the things I say I will do. It becomes pretty taxing sometimes but overall I appreciate the company of someone who seems to care about me. We actually spoke of the night and I realized it wasn’t actually exactly how I remembered. I said very vulgar things to her, and that’s not something she needs to hear. I vaguely remember saying that she makes me express passion and I think that’s where the train set off. I finally said I loved her though, which won’t get me anywhere at this point. But she helped me sober up before I went on my hour-long drive home. As I started to drive I realized that I wasn’t good yet, so I stopped at the gas station and I met this really good individual, Ricky. Right when I walked in, he was talking to this girl and they were both feeling each other and I could tell. We spoke about his business, why the ladies be bullshitting, and that we should hang out. We exchanged numbers and I actually want to network with this guy, it’s just hard because he’s in the booming city of LA. I actually got lost after I left because I went to Walgreens to buy my mom flowers and the GPS didn’t function correctly after that for some reason. I got back on track and finally got home safely though! Overall it was an incredible experience and I would love to go see them live in their native country, Sweden, sometime in the future.
I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to articulate anything. It’s actually due to my editor being in his own problems so he can’t really push me or actually edit them. But proofreading and actually editing for myself is good to do since I skipped that step when I sent them to him. My new mentor, Garrett, is a really genuine individual. I have to thank him for being there for me when I have concerns and being able to counsel with him. It’s crazy seeing how much time has passed since I’ve met him, and how bad of a player I used to be. He is on my list of people I will meet thanks to the internet, and it’ll be a great to be able to see Green Ol’ Oregon as a bonus.
Lots of personal problems happened this month. I was attempting to convince my mother to get a loan so I could start some type of investment towards my financial future. She was so worried about everything, and that’s one thing that irritates me about my mother. She is incredibly indecisive about everything and can’t make decisions without second guessing herself or getting someone’s input. I understand it’s hard and you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but decisions have to be made especially if no one decides. She came at me really raw, which is good, and I told her I appreciate her concern but she needs to shift the focus to my sister. She said, you act like you know everything, school isn’t even on your list, you’re still doing drugs, you’re not sleeping like you should, and you’re not getting anywhere in life—you’re almost twenty-one! You can’t wait for someone to give you a job, you have to go out and get it. It’s true, I have been waiting on Sam because I assumed it would be a sure thing. But what it looks like is that maybe it’s actually not going to go through until later months unfortunately. I’m going to start applying places and hopefully I can get something. It’s just really hard in this city. I don’t want to leave it but if things don’t start changing I might try somewhere else. I feel stuck, I kept telling myself things will work out and just be patient, but I am getting incredibly impatient. I’ve been working on everything from within except actually getting a good job. I honestly don’t mind giving myself up for full time, but it’s only shitty jobs with shitty pay. I am clean so there isn’t really a barrier now. I’ve been working on everything I could work on and I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a rut because it would’ve happened now but I just want to vocalize this defeat. It sucks being so powerless when trying to convey a powerful front. I said I would leave my job by the end of the month and then I realized it wasn’t because I was planning anything. I just did what Freddy always does and have a general guideline then I normally stray from it, then fumble, then finally realize that I was being a fool from the beginning. June will be different, I will die trying. Thirty days to make it happen. There has been a lack of burning desire, and I think it’s because I’m in such a safe environment and I can get away with not actually doing anything. I’m not really contributing at all to this home because my hours were ass last month.
I don’t want to keep writing because these are getting too long. I’ll do my best to do the bi-weekly entries, I just have to make sure I write something.
So find a new job by the end of June.
Find something to invest the money
No 0-2 at UGC
Don’t falter from working out
Make long-term goals and write them out
Communicate things better
Schedule the singing lessons
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY
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