Hmmm. This month started out on a progress-orientated path. It's due to the fire finally being under my ass. It's make it or break it time. I have the money I need to invest and I need to pay it back in full by six months. I need to make payments of 500 if I want to pay it on time. I have no job guaranteed at Sygma since it fell through, and now I have a goal to accomplish. I want to be stable by the end of the year. Not just for myself but because I want to further my "relationship". Now I know, it's stupid to plan things around other people, but it's more like an addition or reward for getting myself on a stable track. I'm applying to places where I might have a future due to the room for advancement. I will be an entrepreneur one day and I really think it's going to happen soon if I manage myself correctly. Freddy Martinez, the grand loser turned successful philanthropist-- I like it.
I've realized recently that my stream career won't go anywhere unless I start jumping on the top games bandwagon. As much as I love my street fighter following. It won't do anything for me until I actually start getting some exposure by going to majors and not just UGC. Which I actually have been making a buzz in my scene. So many people have admitted that they've seen me stream and it's so cool that my hard work is paying off. I keep playing against top players at my tournament first round so it's a bit daunting but I'll persevere. I'm attempting to catch onto habits as fast as possible since I only have one game of data. My hard reads prove to be quite formidable. I'm so excited for my first major since my jitters have gone away for the most part.
I feel so stupid. I'm literally going the opposite direction of where I want to be mentally. I'm going to be taking a hiatus from the Internet and I'll see where that gets me. I started out saying that the burning desire was there but it fizzled out due to my wisdom teeth surgery setting me back so much. I feel so scatterbrained. I've realized I manifest so many problems and make mountains out of anthills. Expressing myself vocally and writing shows how much I don't learn from my mistakes. I learn better from other's mistakes because I don't truly embrace myself. I know I put my flaws and problems out there but it's the ones I don't address that bring the dominant problems. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm a jealous possessive narcissist who attempts everything and finishes nothing. I get so mad at the people I care about and act brash. Brash seems to be how I'm handling personal affairs lately. I don't see what I want happening, so my mindset turns to aggression or I completely move on from it because I know I won't get my way. Compromise is powerful-- so strong that I can't fully utilize it yet. I stopped using my words because I attempted to be a man of action, but what's left when action falls short? Hollow words of reassurance and shortcomings attempting to bandage the wounds created. I used to think stepping away from the problems was always the best answer but now I know I need to be the strategist that I want to be. I need to actually be pragmatic as I chose my name to represent. Let's make it work Freddy.
On that note-- I'm making it happen. I'm leaving by the end of June and I'm ready. I got my interview on Friday for best buys mobile services. Now I know-- that's not what you said was going to happen Freddy. Listen, I got an opportunity from a friend I helped out a couple of years back and from the looks of it, I can nail this, get my experience, and then move on to Verizon. Getting experience and an opportunity for advancement within a company is very appealing to me since I've always worked for small businesses. I've had it with labor, if I'm not going to school, "I am going to have to be smart in the other way." Plus working hard physically isn't going to benefit my health in the long run. I want to run with my kids and then grandkids. I guess that's me realizing I don't want to die by thirty fighting the good fight, I want to truly build the empire I said I would. I am taking the first steps, which is to plan. I have established some long term goals I eventually want to get to, and ironically enough, these were brought to my attention by my good friends. It's time to save so I can actually invest in the endeavors that I want.
So many things are going to happen but I'm getting so impatient. It's crazy how much time has elapsed already since I actually started writing to keep track of things. It's almost eight months... Anyway, I'm going to be moving in with my friend Alfonso in August and it's going to be so cheap and totally possible to save up. I've moved out a couple of times before but this is it. True independence-- no living under someone else and having that safety net. It's time to prosper, handle my money, manage my time for personal and social affairs. It's going to be up to me, all me, and I get to finally establish that relationship with my parents. I've heard you can't really be friends with your parents while you're under their roof and I definitely understand that. I'm coming at my mom very responsibly now due to the loan that she pulled out, and it's already such a better dynamic. Slowly we will get there, because results are better than no progress. A man of tomorrow gets nothing done today.
PS: I'm going to start doing Vlogs and here is the first one if you haven't seen it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaDWIM3fXdk
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