Lets see where this takes us tonight...
I don't want to entertain anymore. I want to fall off the grid, dive into a trade, and enrich my livelihood. Here's the kicker: I can't. I have to be realistic, because you can't just disappear. I'm not there yet and I'm incredibly far from it. So the next best thing? Accomplish that new found skill or knowledge while I'm living the hectic life. The illusion that is one's perception of themselves has been revealed to me through all the content I've created. In reality I was never critical of myself. Sure, I was conscious of my mistakes, and the bad habits that formed-- that's everyone though. Successful people pinpoint the errors and fix it. Let this be my red pen to the pages. I will edit my life, logically, and permanently. There won't be anymore room for setbacks. It's time to grow up and get shit done. That doesn't necessarily mean i can't have fun anymore, but things have to change. I am in the situation that I'm at because the decisions I made, my own actions, and I've chosen to be bad. I'm constantly torn between making decisions, therefore I never get anything done. Sure I want to do this, and that, but what will I actually accomplish if I don't sit down and work at it? The master of beginning and never finishing. The sad reality that occurred recently was that I find comfort in food because it's the only thing I can actually finish. It's easy. I gravitate to things that are easy, and not better. Why challenge my brain? What are the benefits when I could partake in this activity that stimulates me and tricks myself into believing that I'm accomplishing something? It's time to do things I love-- which will not be disclosed, because I want to be sure of it in my heart. When I get to the paper I lie to myself, telling myself things I want to hear or do, but this is no longer the case. I still struggle to not succumb to choking in dire situations... My heart rate pulsates sporadically , my hands tremble, my left eye begins twitching, and my decision making gets hazy. I make remarks to let it out--to get the nervousness to go away. If I can't conquer it, then I'll accomplish it by bluffing until it becomes a reality, right? No more saying things you don't mean, because we're tackling it all. Say no, and mean it. Today will be the last day being bad. This is not a new-years resolution. This is a conscious effort at becoming a better person, and staying that way. There is no time limit or price you can put on it. I will think smarter, make better decisions, and cash in on opportunities when they are presented to me. The hardest step is the first, then the one after that, and the one after that is even harder. I know I'm going to fuck up, a lot, but it doesn't mean I failed. I'll just be closer and closer to who and where I want to be. Lets go Freddy-- the world is waiting for you.
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