God Complex

I want to start this off with me stating that this is going to turn into an unfiltered documentation. It was normally written in the sense of accomplishment and concerns. But I feel like I just need to spill it all on the canvas to see its true beauty---

Self-expression is such a puzzling concept. It allows you to truly discover who you are, or what you like. The only problem is that society seems to not like the nitty gritty. The negative, the hard work that needs to happen to get to the beautiful. People wait for their debut into the limelight when they feel ready because first impressions are everything. No one wants to see a bum make it to stardom. In reality they do, but the problem is that they're not invested in that bum to see the journey through. I guess I'm that bum and the few people involved in my life are watching it unfold. The very first thing I read was the richest man in Babylon, and man did the stories in that passage speak to me. The actual message that the author wanted to convey was that if you put away ten percent of what you earn for ten years-- you will have accumulated one years’ worth of salary. It's so simple but no one does it. You have to make your money work for you or else you'll just be a slave. My vision seems so clear now. I've finally learned patience... And man am I ready to earn my riches.

A lot happened and I'm going to do my best to get it in chronological order:

Paige, one of my oldest friends came home to visit. The thing about Paige is that she was madly in love with me and I wasn’t really comfortable with that. I enjoyed her company but I never really felt the same way so I did the only thing that a teenage boy knows to do, push them away. At the end of the day we agree that there was a butterfly effect with me not getting with her because she just ended up gravitating towards men who treated her badly. I was the only person who treated her well and she absolutely adored it. I wasn’t aware of the games that people play because I was raised so naive. I wasn’t street smart until later because of the sheltered upbringing. I chilled with a bunch of kids on the block and I didn’t know half of the shit they were saying. But that’s how I learned slowly. Anyway, I’ve always felt guilty about it so that’s where I am emotionally. I feel as if I don’t complete these tasks with people, then it’s my fault if it all fails since I didn’t put all my effort into it. It was nice-- we went to eat, and we stopped by her old house. We hung out basically every single day with my other best friend, Nieves. We just enjoyed each other’s company and did whatever we could to occupy our time when you’re in school. We ended up smoking a couple of cigarettes in front of her old house reminiscing the good times. The adult charade is pretty tough, and it was so nice catching up with an old friend. After those cigarettes I told her that that was her last one. No more smoking from her so she better enjoy them. We started walking around the block, like we used to when we walked home from middle school. At that moment I realized that my life is just work after work. I wake up, work, come home from work, I go to the gym (work), then I come home from gym and stream (work). I mean I can’t really complain about it because it’s my decision, but fuck was it nice to just bullshit and enjoy myself in that moment. I need to really take advantage of my days off if I want to make sure not to burn out. Paige ended up having a baby and moving to Kansas and she’s absolutely bored and lonely. I actually shared her my stream so she could stop by and bullshit if she doesn’t have anything to do. Twitch is nice in the sense of having a community and not being so alone. She’s going to be moving back next year so that’s something to be excited for.

UGC has become a ritual! Every Tuesday, and now it’s even Thursdays! I have integrated myself into the smaller community and I have gotten so much better at street fighter thanks to the talented people there. I’ve developed so many friendships and rivalries already. I’ve even become a senpai to this Dudley player. I will become the best Dudley in Southern California. I will try my best to perfect my technique and make my overhead the most feared in the land. I get the opportunity to play so many good players and I’ve been learning my matchups. My only problem at the moment if the fact that I don’t finish my plate in winners. I want to stop going 0-2 because I know I’m better than that. I finally ordered new parts for my stick so there is no more excuses. It’s time to go in one-hundred percent because there won’t be some malfunction holding me back.

Yvette had a party that was celebrating about five of her friend’s birthdays. Here I thought it was just going to be a kickback. Holy shit was I wrong. I went with my friend Karen to carpool since we were both going. When I show up, she ends up having my friend Tyler there from high school. Tyler went to the marines and I never really knew much about his journey besides Instagram. It is refreshing to share such experiences and learn a bit more about the countries he's been stationed at. What I learned from Tyler is that life is really a bitch, and then you die. I used to consider that my motto but damn, seeing it be so apparent kind of made me sad. Tyler and Karen actually make a really good couple. Anyway, we make it to the party and there are so many fucking people there. At least seventy people spread out through the small house and backyard. First things first: gotta play catch up. My boy Danny G was there so we took some shots. The most profound moment of the night was when I was greeted by a viewer from my stream. It felt so surreal developing a relationship with someone as a viewer to seeing them in the flesh. It's happened one other time, but I didn't really know him too well. Vapor was my party buddy for the rest of the night. I ended up eating these shrooms that Dan got me because I asked him to. Before anything else, they weren't that good. They were all stems and no caps. From my experience, when you ingest a small amount or no caps, you just get the emotional part of the shrooms trip. So I was drunk and felt very clairvoyant. I ended up doing what I always do, being nosy and saving people. I wanted to go to the bathroom and I noticed that this group was struggling with their inebriated friend. So of course I took the liberty of testing my power to help people in those situations. This guy was drinking his mundane life away. It made me really sad that he couldn't express himself any other way. The whole night he was looking for this guy and I still don’t know who it was. I attempted to get to know him! I guess you could call it fake but I actually care a lot in these moments. I give people my complete attention and make sure that they are comfortable or else they won’t listen. I want to help them, so we share a common goal. I honestly can’t remember his name but he worked at Big Lots. He kept looking at the time and I asked him but he wouldn’t share with me. He ended up telling his friend that he had work at eight in the morning so I don’t understand why he was going so damn hard. I was man handling him and I felt so good because the gym really paid off this night. At the end of the day he went away but I just kept him really close to me and we walked around and I distracted him. I even convinced him to drink water by saying it was Absolute Vodka. I said “this shit tastes like water man, try it!” His friend seemed really grateful because he didn’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t show up. I blew him off and told him don’t worry about it the first time. I sat on the couch and was waiting for his ride to show up. The second time his friend told me, “seriously I really appreciate it.” I blew him off and pushed him away. I told him you’re never going to see me again anyway man so don’t worry about it. He grabbed my hand and told me, “no, thank you!” With so much gratitude. I ended up saying, “if you really want to prove that you’re grateful, then check me out of twitch.tv/pragmag!” LMAO!~

That was the first person. The second person was David. David was spewing insanities about this girl, and kept asking everyone if she was okay. I asked if this was his girlfriend or what relation he had because he seemed to care so much. David seemed as if he was on drugs, which is what really threw me off. He seemed like me on shrooms, “shining away” as Danny G would say. So I asked him if he was anything besides being drunk. He said “nah man I’m just really turnt.” He went for a hug and he did that thing where you express yourself through this one hug, and I realized that he hasn’t really had anyone really care about him in a while. David reminded me of myself a shit-ton. He is someone who shines which basically means they radiate their personality if they don’t keep it in check. It’s someone who is the center of attention especially due to the fact that he keeps it one hundred. He said I was really attractive and asked if he could kiss me on the cheek. And man did this guy give me a sloppy one on the cheek. We ended up talking about his “girl” and I come to find out that this girl meant the world to him and she didn’t really care about him. I decided that this wasn’t going to be about taking care of him. It was going to be about telling him things he needed to hear because it will make him put things into perspective. I told him, “fuck her man, there is no point in giving yourself to someone so much when they won’t give you a second of their time.” And holy shit did this guy blow up. He wanted to hurt me! He said “no, fuck YOU. You don’t EVER talk about her like that!” And I just grabbed him and kept him in his place because I wasn’t about to body this drunk ass guy. Lmao! But at the end of the night after it all he told me thank you and it was so heartfelt. I walked him to the car but he said I don’t want to go because he never see my friends anymore. I ended up doing it again. I said life’s a bitch and growing up is even harder, but just make sure you enjoy these very rare experiences of having so many friends together in one place. I also told him to do shrooms because I think it will really help him put things into perspective and understand himself and the world a bit better.

I ended up starting to clean after that because it seemed that everyone filtered out once the DJ ended. I guess I just like doing things for people? I mean I’ve realized that I don’t really care if I’m appreciated or not because I do it selfishly. I know how much work I put into things that I don’t really need validation from others. Fuck I’m a sad mother fucker. It helps me though, because it gives me purpose when I do things that people will never realize or appreciate. Even if it is selfish I also do it because it makes their days a little bit better. Even after all the positive vibes I still got my shit stolen. I got my lighter stolen and my portable speaker. I’ve realized my destiny and hopefully I get to the people I want to get to. Vapor and I grabbed things to make for breakfast in the morning. I think I slept like an hour. The sleeping schedule has become so mangled at this point. It’s nice to know we’re not useless Hispanic males like the rest of them.

My love for shrooms has grown unhealthy and I’ll admit it. But these damn this fungus gives me so much clarity. It’s unbelievable what I learn from the experiences given to me. And it’s a great substitute for not being able to smoke weed. Speaking of weed. Man have I been craving it like crazy. I’ve been hanging out with people who still smoke a lot and it is so hard to stick around. I feel like a fucking geek because I have to move away due to not wanting to get a second hand high. I really want to return to it. I want to continue being the free spirit that appreciates the littlest things. I’ve learned to not be so grouchy without it now because of the break, but I don’t think it will be such a big problem once I get this new job and I invest in a Whizzantor. I DEFINTELY won’t be doing it every night like I was before. But it would be nice to smoke after a hard workout or a hard day of work. Maybe even a hike enhanced by the herb. I grew so accustomed to having it, and now that I absolutely can’t have it, it really puts a number on me. Maybe it’s just a lesson for my self-discipline to strengthen

I was actually going to make this entry about the fourth of May. That is the anniversary of the beginning of my father’s decent to death. It all started when I was eleven and it seems so vivid. I was excited the day before Cinco De Mayo because I was going to bring in candy and I told everyone my mom was going to make tamales. Then all of a sudden things happened. My sister ended up coming from Arizona where she lives. It’s about a four hour trip since there isn’t much traffic. They were saying my dad went in to cardiac arrest after he went to a clinic because he wasn’t feeling well. I think the last time I saw him was a couple of years prior to this due to his vision suffering and making the hour trip to come see us wasn’t the best idea. I used to look forward to seeing him because he would give me money. Fuck I will never forget or forgive myself for being so fucking narrow-minded. I threw it all away because I waited until it was too late. I mean it wasn’t really my fault since I was young and I didn’t know any better, but if I could go back, I would do things so differently. That’s the main thing I learned from this whole ordeal. Don’t wait for things to come because you might not get the opportunities. What ended up happening was that they resuscitated him thirty minutes after he died so that obviously came along with brain damage. He was in a coma when we got down there to see him and when we got there, my sisters and I had to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him if he was to go into cardiac arrest again because it was the second time already. My older sister was making the decision since she was the oldest but my middle sibling has always been the most logical. We decided to resuscitate because we wanted to see our father obviously, but that was only the beginning. He ended up waking up a couple of days later and he would just look around with a vacant gaze. I’m still not entirely sure about everything that went down but this is just my interpretation. Every other day we would go down below to Whittier, which was a two hour drive to go see him. My mom felt guilty, she left him and there was nothing she could do to give back besides be there now. My sister hated it, and I hated it. I grew up in a fucking convalescent home because of someone’s guilty conscience. Then there was my sister, she hated my dad for reasons between him and her. So she was always headstrong about being difficult. Then my older sister, she just loved my dad and wanted to help however she could whenever she was out here since it was so difficult. So whenever she was out here we would travel to go see him. My dad was a strange case. He had brain functionality and he would even sing still and carry conversations for a bit, but they drugged him up constantly because he grew restless laying down every day of his remaining life. I would see a glimpse of my father whenever he wasn’t drugged up and it was so nice, then it would be torn away when it all kicked in and he would just scream obscenities. I wish I was older when this all went down. I believe we could’ve helped him walk again but I just sat there… I couldn’t get past the feeling of helplessness and the fact that I was displeased with being there instead of being home with my friends or doing anything else but be there at Shea. All of the staff saw me grow up. I had so much animosity towards them because they treated every patient there horridly. My dad would always have random bruises, lack of changing his diaper, or not showering him. It was fucking disgusting that people could treat another human being like trash just because they felt like it. I’m sure they wouldn’t have fed him either if it wasn’t for the feeding tube. There were compassionate nurses far in between there that I loved seeing when I got older because I got to thank them personally for actually giving a shit. I saw residents that I developed semi-acquaintances with passing throughout the years. They always smiled when they saw me because I was a different face and I would smile no matter how I felt. So many negative emotions came from that fucking place and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done. I used to get so excited when I received news that my father got sick because I thought he would pass and it would all be over. But all the close calls meant nothing until nine years later. His health definitely started declining the last couple of years so we were on watch. I think it was mainly the fact that he developed so much flem in his lunges from the bronchitis. He would always yell things about seeing God and the devil and he would start to break down. I wish I knew what the fuck he was talking about since he obviously saw the other side of whatever we see when we die. It’s just a sad reminder that I didn’t do everything I could for someone who had nothing but love for me. I wasn’t even his kid and he loved me the most out of all of my siblings since I was a boy. That’s the part that breaks my heart. The bastard found solace in someone else’s father. I have decided that I’m going to have one child and then adopt one of the same age so I can return the favor and love someone unconditionally who deserves it.

I don’t think you can really go anywhere past that but forward. Here I am now, living the life I think I should be living. It’s so hard to go and go, but where else will you go if you don’t progress? That’s really the main motivator, if I don’t do this then who will. I want to do a lot of things in my lifetime and it’s going to be a huge adventure. Maybe I just need to be honest with myself? (Lmao. Fuck you Moolkey) I’m going to start posting my month’s calendar from when I make it to the ending, which should have yielded more events and inserts. Calender ----->http://puu.sh/hwLWP/34aa1f9550.jpg <---- Calendar

Quick side notes. I’m going to see my favorite band, Little Dragon, on the sixteenth! I’m going to eat shrooms because I know it’ll be a hell of an experience. I waited to buy the ticket and now I get to sit in the pit in front of the stage so I’m so incredibly stoked!

I made a goal to get out of my current job by the end of this month and if things don’t end up working with Sygma I’m going to try to work for Coke now that Alfonso has told me about it. So either way, things will be changing.