Potential

The hardest part is starting, once you get started you don’t falter so easily. I guess that’s why no one does the things they have to do. It’s like a cloud hanging over, as if it’s a reminder haunting you. Constantly on your mind—I’m going to do it, I’m going to finish these things I said I would do. I don’t know what it means to have potential. I don’t know what it means to achieve great things. I know nothing, and I’m finally accepting this being part of adolescence. I suppose I just want to ramble right now. I always feel so emotional when I sit down to write these; could it be that I actually save how I feel to truly express myself in these? I don’t really care if anyone reads these but it’s so damn good for me. I attempt to articulate everything better and better every entry, and I can honestly say I do improve. I think that’s all I have, improvement, and that’s truly what keeps me going. I love seeing results. I love when things grow-- progressive change is the best change. Maybe it’s because abrupt change seems artificial. Everyone wants quick and easy results, but from what I’ve learned it’s from countless hours of work and dedication. Life is going to change so fast and I think I’m finally ready.

The most profound thing this week was the fact that I came back into contact with my friend Daniel Hong. I chose to step away from him because whenever I hung out with him I would go out to eat or just spend money to go somewhere instead of actually just spending time with a friend. But man, I have to say, he has grown up a lot. Everyone has advanced so far in the time that I took for myself. We are currently gym partners now and I hope to grow very strong with his help. His current partner is going to be leaving soon so it’s actually perfect timing. He wants to do many great things and once again, the only thing stopping us right now is our age and experience. Good ideas pave the way for strong foundations. He actually is in a race with two of his other friends to see who will make a million first, and it really makes me happy to see that I have such bright young men to compare progress. I’m going to be the first one, I plan on retiring by the age of thirty. I believe the most satisfying thing will be showing everyone that anything is possible.

I spoke to my boss about the interview I got arranged and it was great. I chickened out the whole week until I found the perfect opportunity to spring the talk on him. I got the words that I wanted to hear along with another, “you’ve got a lot of potential.” I think I’m getting really sick of hearing that because my mentor told me once, “it doesn’t matter how much potential a person has, because it’s what they do with it.” I shouldn’t brush off kind words from someone who doesn’t really express themselves very well but I guess I’ll write it down. I wish the best for the business, you unfortunately are your worst enemy. I hope one day that I will be as close to the family I start, and it’s inspiring that you built everything you have with your wife from the bottom. Maybe one day I’ll buy that store from the owner and actually bring out the true potential from it. Your daughter has helped me so much and I was truly blessed by networking and learning all I could from working there. It’s bittersweet but I know it will be for the better. It was the most fulfilling job I’ve been at so far knowing that I was the backbone of the store. It truly showed me that I have what it takes to run a business and keep clientele.

My family went out of town to go to my nephew’s first communion so I was alone for three days. So obvious naked living was in order. Haha! But honestly, it was so nice not being bothered, maybe it’s just a sign that I would like to live alone since I have the internet and I won’t truly be alone ever. I can cook, clean, and do everything that I really need to know to not be useless. It would even make my parents appreciate me a little more since I wouldn’t have to see them every day. I just handled business; went to the gym, went to work, made myself food (I even juiced like I said I would!), fed my dogs, streamed, and even woke up when I needed to. I guess it only took twenty years to learn what responsibility is. I suppose I really want it all now, I can support my family from another building, at least I’ll be in the same city. I know I’ll probably be here a year or less but I do think it will be time to leave soon. I’ve never said it on record, but I’m going to pay my parents mortgage by 2017.

For some reason, every time my family is out of town, my best friend Danny G is in town. We always ended up drinking and smoking and just doing hoodlum shit because we finally had a place to do it freely. This time it was different. It was Danny, Jahlil, and me and we came to my house after we got breakfast because I invited them to smoke the weed that I couldn’t smoke. It was nice, because we just got finished with going to some pyramid scheme that Jahlil joined and we just laughed about it. This fucker made us get up early and wasted an hour of our life, but it is okay because we all gotta learn some time. These are my friends that I share ideas with, concepts, what we think about this world. We spoke about Avatar, because element bending is such an awesome concept. We came to the conclusion that Danny was a fire-bender and he is transitioning into an air-bender. The symbolism is that fire-benders are kind of short-tempered and very impulsive. So the change to an air-bender means he is attempting to become calm and collected, becoming wiser in his years. Jahlil on the other hand was an air-bender who was I think was transitioning into an earth-bender. The transition for him represented becoming closer to the earth and fleshing out who his as a person. Something that I can see that has happened due to his new-found appreciation for nature and its beauty. Then they said that I wasn’t in a transitioning period anymore, because I WAS a water-bender.  I was chilling with them sober and the way I was sprawled out on my hammock really represented how I flow with things. Water is strong, solid, and bends to any situation, making it the most versatile. I like the fact that water can break boulders with enough persistence. I have come a long way and I love my brothers. We’re going to go camping to Yosemite and go to Nocturnal (a EDM rave). I can’t wait to see where we end up in only six months.

The gym has already become integrated in my life. It’s such a good place, everyone there is there for a reason. Some do come to socialize unfortunately but it’s not too bad since they probably burn some calories while they’re at it.  Running on the treadmill isn’t as fulfilling as running out on the town with my dog but at least it keeps track of your progress and calories burned. Cardio is so good for you and I’m falling in love again. I’ve noticed that the people in the water areas seem the most open. Could it be that the people with the least clothing are the most comfortable and willing to open up? I’ve fallen in love with the steam room, it really lets me meditate and center myself. Interesting how I’ve found comfort in my freezer and then transitioned to the complete opposite. I enjoy breathing in the vapor from my nose as if I’m taking a hit. Maybe that’s why I enjoy it so much, possibly being a replacement for my drug habit. I am getting so strong already and I can already notice the gains since I started lifting pretty heavy thanks to Daniel. One problem is that due to not smoking anymore, I find it really hard to get an appetite and I’m not making the calories I have to make now. I’m under most of the days so I have to catch up with huge portions the next day.

I know I probably shouldn’t be writing about you even more but I want to express it. Every month seems to be a new experience and obstacle I have to overcome to strengthen us. I do have to mention that you’re getting so fucking good at Street Fighter. I also have to thank you for helping me gain confidence at UGC. Knowing someone was looking at the brackets to see me progress and sending me matchup-videos really meant the world to me. I think winning my first match and seeing that you messaged me about winning already was the highlight of my night. It made me become incredibly inflated in the head that I actually  was incredibly confident against Velociraptor. Hopefully playing with you will become easier with GTA because it’ll be a lot more fun and bullshitting unlike the other games since there isn’t a real goal. I feel as though you want me to pull harder and I’m not doing it because I want to play it correctly. I want to make you a priority but I’m not sure where to go with it. I’m just really glad we had that talk though, because it really put things into perspective. A little communication from both sides goes a very long way. Also, Imagine writing to you twice in one sitting. I’m just so full of it. ResidentSleeper

I bought a drug test to make sure I would be clean if they sprung one on me abruptly. I absolutely freaked out because I took it the day of the second interview and failed it. Going into it, I told Meeks and my mom because I have to express myself for things to be alright. So going about it positively—I went into the second interview. It was a waste of time because I didn’t meet with Mike, the head honcho of the building, but at least I got to do the interview again with my future supervisor. I just went over my skills that would translate to my job and shared about myself. I always said that if you get me an interview, that I would get the job ez. This time I felt a bit nervous but I articulated myself fairly well. Although, I noticed I used like and uhm as a place holder in the beginning. Sam is a great guy and I think he will make sure I get a position due to the fact that he’s the main person behind the hiring process (being the Human Resources manager and all.) Dressing up in suits really makes me feel like I belong there, mainly because I look really sharp in them and I know my political career will consist of wearing the monkey suit on a daily basis.  The funny part about failing the drug test is that I read the instructions and the reality was you don’t fail it even if one of the lines isn’t highlighted all the way. Feels good to be an idiot… Every day is a learning experience.

My parents are dumb as fuck. I had an exchange with them today that really made me rethink everything about them. I’m not really being irresponsible anymore, but I don’t really know what the problem is. I thought being on the insurance and actually using the car legally would get them off my back for a bit but now they feel compelled to be petty as fuck. My step-dad literally texted me, “maybe you should’ve thought about that before selling your car.” I’ll put it on record. I did sell my car. I sold it because I thought it would be a good idea to get money for it before It depreciated in value by a margin. The guy I sold it to needed it a lot more than me and it was the catalyst for me to start losing weight. It was the point where I improved a lot. I even bought a good ass computer with part of the money. I still stand by it being a great decisions with the pros out-weighing the cons but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I think I plan on getting a place with someone from my friend group who is responsible. I can’t deal with them being the way that they are. I’m writing this at five in the morning so hopefully the next entry will bear better results. I’m hoping we have a talk tomorrow.

I told my mom about using drugs and that I really enjoy psychedelics.  I explained to her that it only stays in your system for a few days and they don’t really test for it anyway. Basically I try to educate her as much as possible when it comes to drugs because she’s ignorant as fuck. She shared a lot of information with me about her past and we came to the realization that drugs automatically meant irresponsibly. She didn’t need them to get by even with her really rough adolescence, so why need them now? I can respect the shit out of that but I’ve said to her that drugs helped shape who I am as a person. I would not be here thinking what I think without drugs. I definitely think I was propelled at least two-three years in wisdom because they opened my mind so much. I met so many great people and enjoyed many great experiences that wouldn’t have happened if the herb wasn’t there.

I missed follower Friday and I got a lot of flak for it. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. I feel as though I should be given some slack since people feel a bit entitled for me giving my sleep up to provide the streaming experience but at the same time I DO have a schedule that I set out myself. Maybe I should adjust the schedule and make it a bit more appropriate. The only reason I didn’t get up was the fact that I went to bed fairly late the night before the interview and I got up early. And then after that I worked, THEN hit the gym really hard. I was just plain out exhausted and my body didn’t want to move because I was getting the well needed recovery that I needed. There isn’t much you can do about mistakes that have been made already besides try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s the second follower Friday that I’ve missed and it’s hopefully the last unexpected one. I’m going to stream Sunday as a follower day so people can get their games in. A man of the people I call myself, man have I got a ways to go.

A lot of funny stuff happened this Saturday night. I kissed my first guy of the night. It was Daniel Hong, we went to a friends and drank a ridiculous amount to play catch-up with the belligerent people there. As you all know, I am an incredibly confident and comfortable person. Sexual orientation has been a hot topic in my stream and within friends lately. So I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to put my money where my mouth is I told him just get it done and stop being a bitch, because at the end of the day I love women so me kissing you won’t mean much really. Maybe it’s just due to me enjoying people’s reactions to the things that I do. It’s not really validation but it’s kind of like an exhibitionist. It was such a petty thing. I think I am going to explore my sexuality a bit more and see to what limit I feel comfortable with. People at the gym think I’m gay because I carry around a pink blender-ball flask. Imagine colors representing anything in 2015 l m a o.

Daniel and I had a very good night. He came over and experienced what it’s like for me streaming. He’s starting to vlog our progress at the gym, which I love because in three months it will show such huge amounts of progress because we’ve been going hard as fuck. Today we did a “total body massacre” as we called it since we missed a lot of days this week. He’s really going to push me to my limits and that is truly the best thing I can ask for in a work-out partner. We spoke business ideas too, finally I get to spit some of this wisdom that I’ve learned this past year. Let’s fucking do this Daniel. Getting our bodies and wallets SWOLE!

I guess what I learned these weeks is:

Interactions are always important and that you should always attempt to make a persons’ day just a little bit better. It might just brighten their shitty night/day and motivate them to make a change in their life. Words are incredibly powerful.