I hate opening this page... I know I need to jot down things for the digital records, but I don't want to because I can never finish it. I've been writing heavily in my journal, but it's a different outlet than this blog. I can't drop the intimacies of my brain here. It's not safe-- it's prone to be scrutinized and exploited. It's been a little more than a year since I've written the first entry during my father's passing. So much has unfolded in front of me, and it won't stop. Life has no constants unless you put in endless amounts of nurturing and effort. Quite frankly... I don't care anymore. If things fall through, they'll fall through. I put in my time and work. Hopefully past relationships can come around again, but it's so high maintenance. These drugs really fucked me up. I'll be the first to admit it, unfortunately. My perception has been altered exponentially. Now it sounds as if I'm putting a negative light on it, but it's indeed a positive one. I've finally had it with negative relationships, and things not going the way I want them to go. You don't like something? Do something about it. You don't like someone? Get rid of them. You are the master of what happens in life. If you wallow away in self-pity, guess what happens? N o t h i n g. Get the fuck up and do something. I'm so fucking tired of seeing so many people do nothing because they don't want to, or are too scared to live. That's what life is; you fail, fail, fail, and most likely fail again. Then finally you're at the end, and you ask yourself: "why go on?" You're destined to be great! Why limit yourself because of mental instabilities? You must break through. I've finished giving up. 2015 was the year to figure it all out, and the funny part is that I actually haven't figured out much, but I'm finally on the road to self-fulfillment. It's great, because I've finally learned how to be alive. Sure, maybe I've discovered how possessive, controlling, and how prone I am to stimulants because of my addictive personality. All negatives for the most part, but that's me, it's who makes me Freddy "Pragmag" Martinez. A big-hearted, generous, and ultimately shit-headed individual with good intentions. I've accepted that I will self-sabotage relationships subconsciously, because I know I don't want to hurt people with giving them false hope. It's an easy cop-out to fall back on my biological father being a suave guy who just slept around and lived a life of no commitment. But the more and more that time goes on, I realize that's what's going to happen. Maybe I will find someone, quite possibly even the "one". The thing is, I don't even believe in that anymore. You just settle for who makes your heart pump and your cock thump.
2016 is going to be filled with new adventures, sights, and people to share good times with. I will only come closer to who I want to be. The real me, the one who reflects my passionate soul that burns for the opportunity to help people. What a time to be alive.
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