It's been too long since I've vomited onto this blank space.
I'm... Okay. I'm still struggling internally with everything every second of the day. I've been going back to smoking once a month or so to make sure it's out of my system come drug tests. I've been smoking cigarettes a lot more and vaping. Nicotine has a considerable hold onto my balls at this point. I definitely need stimulants and I've come to terms with it. Moderation is not something that seems compatible. Ah moderation, the driving reason for my downward spiral in every avenue. I've gone from accepting my compulsive gambling problem to trying to turn it around and making it work for me. It's so fucking difficult. It's ruined my fucking life, but it’s not going to be another thing I give up on. It's changed who I am as a person. I can't even sit still sometimes without losing my mind thinking of the terrible decisions I’ve made. I truly feel as if something takes over sometimes. I've been getting closer and closer to being able to get up and identifying my limits. I would say a few more months of sticking to my plans and I’ll get a proper profitable system down.
During my truck driving schooling my mom brought something to light that I didn't occur to me but I've felt it for a while. She asked what happened to me, because I used to be so smart. It took a bit to set in but it finally hit me. I went home for the weekend, and I forgot the two mandatory necessities-- my paper license and medical paperwork. Thankfully she came in clutch and drove the hour and a half just to drop it off. What happened to me is that my carelessness hasn't gotten any better with age. It's grown significantly worse. I used to be able to focus and stay driven, but my attention span and short term is abysmal now. This cycle of failures and inconsistencies built a subconscious impasse that I can’t blast through. It’s made me live so lethargically and that’s nowhere near who I am or even want to be. I wanted to do so many things in the past. I’ve accepted that I'm not going to change the world in a magnificent way. Shit at this point I just want to wake up and be genuinely happy. I’ve learned that it manifests when I help people. It’s definitely a double edged sword since I’ve pushed everyone away and I ultimately needed them. I went to meet up with some good friends I haven’t seen in a while and it really lightened my mood up. Then it dropped back down because the discussion focused on my stream. They just reinforced what I already know and made me kick myself in the ass more. I built my baby up and just let it crumble. I could’ve transitioned into commentary to add to the growing audience. It’s extra salt in the wounds seeing everyone achieving the success that could’ve been mine if I stuck with it, but alas, it’s time to move on. It will definitely be on the list of goals for the future, but I have to build myself up to that point.
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