I was so scared I couldn't log into my blogs anymore because blogspot got canned. That's how you know how long it's been since I've tried to write anything at all. Anyway, this is gonna be my 2020 post and 2019 wrap up. I've reached level 25 and I am officially disappointed at where I ended up. On the flip-side I am proud of forcing myself to relocate in order to save my life and live under the guise of being a productive adult.
I got my own place, almost paid off my car, have absolutely no furniture, and am still sleeping on my air-mattress. Although my kitchen has everything I could possibly need. I made over 100k this year and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I even had my mom's bail me out with a loan for 4k because I blew my relocation bonus. I've fixed my credit through this agency, and I also actually pay my debts back. Getting up to 650ish from 360-420 is definitely something I'm holding onto. Lots of regret and disgust for the decisions I've made, but you can't do anything with them but learn from it. I said I'd do a lot of things, and that's the main reason for my wallowing. I know what I'm capable of, and I achieved a fraction of that. There's always a flip-side because I know some people don't even reach their goals, let alone set any. So I will truely compare myself to my past self as a means to gauge progress.
My mentality is strong, you could say borderline unbreakable, but not when it comes to gambling. That's not the mindset you need, and that's where my problems have manifested. I love who I am when I'm on track and on point. Proud to look at the mirror and look people in the eyes. The moment I relapse, I fall into depressive episodes that I'm surprised I can get out of sometimes. I fall into escapism to cope, drowning in Japanese cartoons, video games, and most forms of binging. I want to cultivate these relationships I have. They're truely like plants or the gym, you have to put in to get anything back. Care and attentiveness is the only way you'll get results.
I never wrote actual goals for 2019 on my discord server because I had the backlog of the 2018 ones. So after skipping a year I will be making one again, I'll possibly post a screen shot after I compile it. I've always told myself 25 would be the limit of my headass-ary, so this is it, kid. Are we doing this thing or what? Are we making your family proud? Probably not because everyone has different aspirations for people. I'm not having a child until I find a good woman. I'm not going to lock myself into a mortgage payment. I will live 2 years minimum in Colorado. I will find myself and be completely honest with who I want to be. I will be a pillar of strength and a destination for those who yearn.
Freddy Martinez died a while ago with his delusions of grandeur about changing the world, but will be reborn into someone who sparks change from within his heart. A flicker that will spark and set ablaze this field of nihilistic apathetic weeds.
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