Midnight Introspection

Purchasing a twelve-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon was one of the best decisions I've ever mad. My affinity for drinking has grown exponentially. I've also been ingesting a copious amount of psychedelics in the past month, and I feel like I've made so much progress. I was going to write a trip report after watching my video of my trip. The only issue is that I can't get myself to watch it. I was babbling like an infant with no filter. Any thought came rushing through my mind and flowed through my mouth. I feel good, great even. This feeling of content has been long awaited, but I'm not going to sit here and talk about how happy I am, because I've identified that there is always something missing. I don't think I will ever truly be happy, or satisfied with anything that I do. Once I accomplish the things I wish to accomplish, I'm onto the next. It's disgusting that I have found myself in this postilion. I want to be content, I want to enjoy the minimal, but I've wired my brain in such a manner after all the bad habits. The psychedelics have been placed on a pedestal by me. Thinking or even believing that I'm not capable of achieving these breakthroughs using my own psyche. I suppose the most paramount breakthrough I've made is finally internalizing that life is about the journey and not the destination. Taking it all in, enjoying it, hating it, going through all the ups and down that have blessed my breathing vessel. Every pulse that courses through me is a gift not to be taken for granted. My issue is that I sit here, spewing my hypocrisy. I want it now, my instant gratification needs to be settled. Sex, drugs, food. Give me all the chemicals I can possibly distribute through my brain. Dopamine is my queen now. I want to continue to make breakthroughs but I've never be satisfied. I must identify how to conquer this glutton in me. Maybe that's where my issue is. Constantly trying to stick my manhood into things and handling it that way. Accepting who I am is easy to say but nearly impossible to do. I'm a self-driven, egotistic, go-getter and I have no way of stopping it. I love being a lazy ass, constantly rushing because I push my limits to the very max. My creative process is plagued by being as fickle as lady luck. One day I'll buckle down, but today is not the day and that's okay.