January 12, 2015

(this is what I was listening to while I wrote : http://megaranmusic.com/album/mega-ran-9 )


Fuck I am emotional, like I don't think it's normal for a man to have this much estrogen in his body and still function properly. On that note, every single day goes faster and faster. Time is no longer a luxury; it is a very scarce resource. You have to manage it well as the years go on or else it'll just pass you by. No goals, no purpose, to no drive, let it go (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqYpJb9jmZY)

This month has been so strange, new years ended up turning into a shit show staring me as a drunken mess, fueled by my moderators sadistic generousity. BUT I am glad it happened, the universe humbles me everytime, like clockwork. I will use that night as the last night alcohol beats me, I know I can hold my shit but goddamn when alcohol wants to come up, it is hard to keep down. Hennessy is great btw, Daniel came through and I ended up drinking it all like the scumbag that I am!

I read through the last entry and I'm laughing at myself. I literally have a problem lying to MYSELF. Alfonso's birthday yielded a night with my ex as our first night as friends to the public. From what I've heard, we essentially acted the same exact way unfortunately. I got her to smoke again though, so that was pretty satisfying. I want to have the only contact with each other to be working out but this fucking woman dodges every possible chance. I know I said I would continue to attempt but people gotta help themselves I swear.

I suppose that just goes to show that I always care too much about people or situations. I truely believe you can always help everyone, not just some messiah-complex, a real, pragmatic way of approaching people and their problems. I want to heal this world and the only possible way is to reach the creatures inhabiting it first.

Elaborating upon the perpetual lying to myself, I set goals or achievements knowing they will fall through due to the lack of attention. I want to get one thing straight for myself. BASS&SINGING, FITNESS, INSURANCE, STREET FIGHTER, STREAM, CAR. This blog will bring so many benefits because I will just use it as a reference guide whenever I feel weak.

Marijuana has not been mentioned until now. I never thought I had a problem at all until my mother started her usual harping. I noticed yesterday that I do have a more than habitual yearning for it. Specifically told myself that i won't get bud until this Friday (paycheck) so that I don't turn into a dummy stoner who can't handle his funds correctly. Me knowing that was the best course of action was okay with it. Then all of a sudden I finished off the last of the bowl and I had such an urge to get some. I went behind my word but I have to say, this Sour OG is great. I'm elevated as I'm writing this, so I might have a different way of using my diction, here's to see if there is a difference.

I will get this insurance career started by March for sure. After this comes through, life will financially be much better.

A king is nothing without his people-