The actual process of streaming has been on my mind. I sit in my room, and I hope people come and chill with me. It's so crazy because the Internet is such a magnificent tool that we can harness to reach each other. I would love to accommodate the European audience, but I have a day job. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure something out eventually.
Native Spanish speakers have been visiting the stream, which means I get to work on my Spanish. It's such a blessing being a Hispanic; you're pretty much forced to learn this other language before you can walk. Actually, I spoke Spanish before English. Then I stopped while still young because I was embarrassed of my Spanish. I've finally embraced my frijole-loving culture and learned how rich it is. Once you make it apparent you speak Spanish to another person who knows the language, it becomes so easy to communicate regardless of other cultural boundaries.
After all these years, I'm still mean to my mom. She only shows how much compassion and love she has toward us. It's just too much sometimes. This happened recently, but I'll give some back story: Everyone in my house is hard of hearing one way or another. My stepdad is deaf in one ear. My sister is deaf in both, so she uses hearing-aids. Then there is my mother, who’s going deaf. I'm used to speaking loudly so I can be heard clearly and understood. I mumble a lot and don't pronounce my words correctly, which doesn’t help. You can probably guess how great communication through my family is. While I started getting sick, my voice was leaving. I was talking lower, so I told my mom I wasn't really going to talk to her because it would be too hard to repeat myself three times. Yesterday, I was trying to sleep, and my mom comes in and asks me five different things at once. I raised my voice and said to leave me alone. She knows I wasn't feeling well, and she didn't say anything the next day. I'll definitely work on being nicer since there is no point in stressing her out more.
I've finally realized how dumb human interaction is. It's just a straight game you play. You grind, putting in all your time and effort, and hopefully they stick around. The less you give, the more they want. Then when you give too much, they don't want anymore. I've lost a lot of people in my life due to them just leaving. I expect it to happen most of the time at this point. I'm a great person to share good times and experiences with. I help you grow and learn a few things about yourself, and then you take a part of me with you. I'll never forget the good times, but it seems like the ones who leave never really cared. Maybe it's because I'm too much of a nice guy. I'm not a pushover by any means, but I care too much and get engulfed by people. I constantly think of possibilities that can come from whoever it is, be it friendships, relationships, or strangers. I was told that I have problems with putting people on pedestals, and it’s due to my expectations. I have to realize people don’t think the same way I do and won’t be putting forth as much energy as I do
My ex left because I didn't give her what she wanted. I was with her for a year and a half during high school. Then we continued to see each other off and on for the past couple of years -- having someone there during the hectic times, like someone to cuddle with or just have a conversation about things bothering you, really makes a difference. Finally she left. I wasn't going to ask her out again, because I wasn't going to deal with her family. I finally earned her parents trust, so everything was going well. Then her wonderful sister saw that her Facebook account was logged in. So she went through some messages and found conversations about our sexual escapades. Not really sure what compelled her sister, but she told her dad. Their family flew into some crazy shit and banned me from their house. We stayed together after, but I didn't enjoy being back to sneaking around like delinquents.
I would have stayed if it was just me and her, but that wasn't going to happen in a real relationship. I've finally gone over the scenarios, and I’m okay with it. I always told her she needs to get what she deserves because I wasn't going to give it to her. I know it sounds like I was just some dick, but I just wasn't totally invested. I helped her finally be comfortable with who she is, and I’m proud of that because it shows how people can respond well to outside help and really better themselves. She's finally joining movements and is speaking her mind. I'm still talking about this because I miss embrace, and that's what I've been yearning for. You get used to having someone in your arms late into the night. Now I just use the bed to sleep since I'm trying to program myself to knock-out when I lie on it.
Friday has been magnificent!
I gamed with the gamer and, with alcohol as fuel, hilarity ensued. It’s astounding how you’re your confidence grows with alcohol. It's nice to see the progress with you. Every day that caring, nutty, salty caramel center shows more and more. The fact that you don't remember anything makes it even funnier. I'm trying to give you the time and attention you need. I've just gotta work harder at it and you know I'll put the effort in. The laughs we share are always my favorite and they really make my day.
Work’s going so well that nothing can stop me. I’m a born-salesman when I believe in my product and costumers getting what they want. I'm still in the process of training my new co-worker (and soon to be replacement). He's shaping up to be really good. He's going to be able to take care of the store, and I won't feel so bad leaving. I delivered to SYGMA (the company where I have lined up to work), and today I looked at it differently. It felt like I was getting acquainted with a new home I would be buying in the future. I hope I work in the freezer area since I've grown accustomed to the colder area and they get gear to make it not such a bad experience. The freezer at work has been my tranquility zone. I sometimes sit in it and meditate to center myself. I hope to find the same comfort from the below-zero environment.
I got a call when I was finishing up from a number I didn't recognize so I let it ring and go to voicemail. It was Sam! He said to call him back regarding my position. As I called him, I just yelled fuck to the heavens. Life has done it again. Proving that self-sabotage is perpetual in my life. I started smoking. I dun goofed bad. But I’m not a quitter. I’ll always persevere when there are no other options. Failure is DEFINITELY not an option. My ticket won't burn up because of my adolescent ignorance.
Sam said to get my resume ready and apply online. The interview is Thursday. I have six days to get clean, and I know I can do it. I'm a wrestler. I've lost pounds and pounds of sweat when I needed to. I'm going to need to call upon some force, be it God or the universal energy. I need you to assist me. I need this to work out. I’ll put in the work-- just don't let me fuck this up. I need this for my family and close ones. The first step of my new life!
I really needed to write. I was jittery after that experience because I needed to get it out. I needed to access the situation in a better perspective. I know I think I can conquer the world no matter the obstacles, but I’m utterly terrified. Freddy Martinez: The drug doer. Paying for the sins of his habitual medication.
So last thing I left was about this lady, Sharan. I was going to explain how helping her out and opening my mouth gave me an opportunity, but she never ended up calling me. So gg??
So many productive things happened Sunday. Got my membership at 24-Hour-Fitness for hella cheap and, fixed the situation with Sam. I got the interview date changed to next Tuesday, so that’s PLENTY of time at the rate I’m working on it. I'm sweating from cardio, the steam room, and taking five niacin pills at a time. I believe that me getting this opportunity is going to make me go back to God . Sam has a lot of faith, and he always puts God first. I don’t want to act arrogant, but I want to think that all these things have happened from my doing . Shad said in one of my favorite songs:
This wisdom of man is foolishness to God
Don't build on the sand or trust in the odds
Be shrewd as the snakes and innocent as doves
Don't succumb to hate, overcome hate with love
I know March isn’t over yet, but I didn’t make my goal unless I get thirty-four followers in these next three days. I’ve noticed that I set my goals really high, so that even if it doesn’t work out I’m satisfied. I made my goal of getting down to one-hundred and sixty pounds. Now tThe next goal is to put on fifteen pounds of muscle by June. Three months isn’t too much time, but I think I’ll accomplish it with my current state of mind is at. Life is only beginning, and it’s so exciting.
No comments:
Post a Comment