I am always so reluctant to write, but I know it's always the answer. You are the master, because you choose what to put down, and how to dissect it-- it's magical. The ability to portray words, emotions, experiences and even have someone connect or be moved by it. I've always wanted to do something but I've never figured it out completely. I never had people tell me you could be good at something, so I always felt mediocre because that's what I produced. I put a certain amount of effort into things, failed, and then told myself that there wasn't anything I could do about it. I fell into complacency with the ol', "oh at least I tried" bullshit. I continued the cycle until I was old enough to realize that that's not how you get anywhere. The only way you get good at something is when you become tenacious, and grow hungrier by overcoming the boredom and failures. I've said it time and time before, but I'm too stubborn to accept things sometimes. Mastery by Robert Greene has shown me so much already. It's a perfect book for my current situation. I'm learning about learning. I'm not even half-way through and already I'm being shown the secrets to learning and the way that "masters" had acquired their place in history. The biggest lesson so far is you must find what makes you happy. It's reminiscent to that child-like excitement and sense of wonder. If you are doing something that fills you with the joy of a child, then that is where you must pursue that career. With that knowledge I realized that I don't really find that feeling until I stimulate myself with conversation and intimacy with people. Growing relationships and putting your soul into someone because you care for them. I've come to realize that that is my forte: human relations. I'm both an extrovert and introvert. I love to expend my energy while hanging out, and putting my all into the day. Then I also like just cuddling up in bed and watching a movie or reading a good book. Both are essential to survive or else you'll burn out, which I discovered later in life. You can't give too much of yourself or else you'll just grow bitter or get too accustomed to the life style. Where I’m getting with this is that I've finally realized what I want to study. I think the ever so fascinating creatures that have plagued this world with its existence will be where I find my career. No psychology, because I can help people with their problems without a degree. I've realized that I actually want to go back to school, while focusing on sociology or human resources. I've been going around life so wrong this year. I'm sitting back reading my notes, my blogs, my videos. All the information that I said I would keep so I wouldn't falter in my goals. The harsh reality is that I failed at all of them... Again. I didn't save like I wanted to. I didn't repair my relationship or focus on my family. I didn't become a top player, or the west coast Dudley. I haven't even taken the damn singing lessons, or touched the bass for more than an hour. Here is where it's not just a whiny ass entry. I tried and I have a lot of time to continue what I'm doing. I took the right steps towards all of these things.
I think I've realized my problem with the direction I’ve been leading. The constant attempts at accelerating where I want to be. Hard work and planning should be the only ingredients involved. I have always tried to get ahead and then I ponder why I failed. Selling drugs, and being too pushy because it's not going my way with a relationship. Credit is the biggest lesson I've learned this year. You want something that you don't have the resources to buy yet. So you take the hit, because you'll eventually pay it off. The downside is that you'll actually pay more because you didn't end up saving for it instead. I constantly search for opportunities instead of relying on what has been given and working with my resources at hand. The passage that stood out to me the most in The Alchemist was, "Never bargain with someone using something that you don’t yet possess." The reason it resonated was because that's what I've been doing in every aspect of my life. I sit there negotiating with false promises and hopes
such as a place to stay or using the word soon. I don't have anything to my name besides a damn red bull machine and a computer. I know I shouldn't be so materialistic but I have to work on not being in such a shitty situation.
I am trapped in this house and my situation will only get better by leaving everything. I want to, but I can't carry out these decisions with no capital. I also realized that my family is hurting my mentality so damn much. I always want a symbiotic relationship in life-- you help me and I'll help you-- good right? Well for some reason I can't ever get that from my family. You hold things over me, and you always want to feel so powerful when you take things away. I wonder how much of a rise you would get if I finally said you're right. I hate constantly having to prove that I'm not doing any drugs. I'm not even willing to have a discussion on the matter because you already have your pre-conceived notion that I'm high. You don't understand anything and never really have. The main reason and I've been wanting to leave because I've been suffocating. No longer are my thoughts clear. I just feel like an angsty teen all over again. I leave the house in search of clarity and to read. I was going to dip out on the loan I graciously received but then I remembered that I said I would pay it off regardless of what happens. Now I know what I have to do and how to get there. There are no more excuses. I am going to be twenty-one and I'm not going to be a burn out. I will buckle down and handle business. I will continue to pursue things and I’ll jot them down. It’s actually endearing because I told myself this almost a year ago and I feel good about it.
Finances: Put any amount of money you can into Chase and savings. Goal every months is to have at least 200 in each one by the end of the months.
Work: I told myself I would not be making minimum wage by the end of the year. If not, it’s okay. Continue looking and network more at work. Make the most of the position that you’re at. My hours are set so it opens room for schooling.
School: Debate with myself and decide if I’ll knuckle down to knock out classes.
Transportation: Save for Saul’s bike. Purchase any time before February. It’s economic and it will get you by. An additional car wouldn’t hurt but you have to save up for that one. Maybe Jeep life will become a reality.
Living situation: Out of the house by February as well. Have at least $2000 saved for deposit and breathing room.
Fitness: Get body fat down. Stop being a fat ass and stuffing your mouth unnecessarily. Don’t forget to work on strengthening your grip for improving your shitty wrist.
Bass and singing: Thirty minutes to bass at least 3-4 times a day. Continue diaphragm exercises and book lessons. $25 every half-hour. At least 2 sessions every month.
Competitive scene & networking: Continue networking and making a name for yourself. You’re in the right direction. Just have to work on execution. You will make a splash and be remembered. Make it out to every major possible.
Stream: I will put this at the end because I’m not entirely sure if I want to continue pursuing this. I’ve gone this far. Why quit? Something has to change. I will be streaming games that aren’t street fighter because I can’t stand playing online. Stream at least 3-4 times a week.
Don’t faulter. You’ll only let yourself down and wonder what happened.
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