Dear Momma

I find myself so often making the toughest decisions. I was always told to work/think smarter and not harder. So I'm wondering why am I making the decisions that I'm making? Reflecting back to my childhood, I would deliberately do what my mom said not to do just to spite her. You can call it rebellion, but I've finally had it. My home-life reeks of exasperation. Everything I do is wrong. Never have I made them proud, and I'm okay with it, because I'm going against the grain and learning. I will do things in my own way and show them that it's not all about their traditional view. I can't go to school-- I refuse to have you go into debt even more then you are. Everything is about bills and how we don't have enough money. No support, and constant let downs. I'm incredibly grateful that you're here, because I get to see you, hear you, talk to you, but I can't get myself to live with you anymore. I'm just a giant asshole to all of you now and it breaks my heart. I don't mean to but I just get so angry. I got emotional today when this customer started humming to her children. I still remember the tune you sang to me to settle me down when I got fussy and it sounded so similar. I know how much you put into me-- all the love, all the reading, you tried to give me the best you could, and you did. The thing is, along with all that came unrealistic ideals that will never come to fruition. I tried to be smart for you, I tried to be like the other kids, but I never could. That's the problem I've been telling you all along. We are not normal, at all. We have been through so much, lost so many people, and I feel as though you haven't learned anything at all. You gave me your heart when you had me, and all I've ever given you is disrespect and disobedience. I'm glad this all happened. Falling out isn't the best way to go about things, but I've noticed that it brings the longest lasting results. I don't think I'll ever make you proud in the way that you wanted, but I will be successful and happy in my own way. One day I hope that you will respect what I'm doing because I will never be a doctor, or a lawyer, or any of those stereotypical successful jobs. I'm not completely confident about the decisions I'm making, but I know it will work out because I will make it. One day I'll show you how much I appreciated it all. I love you, but it's time to be the man I was brought up to be. I always told you that I would change the world, and I will-- it is written.