Tuesdaze

Tuesdays have become too strange. I can't explain it too well, but it's equivalent to "Mondaze." I never thought anything of it until I realized it legitimately happens every Tuesday. I try my best to be happy all the time regardless of my personal ups and downs. So putting that into consideration, it might be my day to recuperate my energy. I’ve fortunately had my day off switched to Tuesday. It's great because it opens up opportunities to go to UGC again. I'm also going to start hiking to get away from the world for a moment of serenity—maybe that'll help me out.

I haven't been feeling like writing, but I know I gotta get these thoughts to a page before they're gone. I haven't run this week unfortunately. Fuck the wage slave life.

A friend of mine asked me what I would do if money wasn't an issue. I legitimately sat there for five minutes and couldn't come up with an answer. How sad that I've had my mentality tainted by this world. My dream is to make money not an obstacle then turn it into an asset to help people. I want to become a philanthropist and actually do something about the world and its conditions. I've always been shot down by people who say that's dumb, one person can't change the world, go get a real job, or to stop dreaming. It's incredibly daunting, but I know I'll preserver. After giving it so much thought, I think I would become a dog trainer or something else involving animals. I used to want to be veterinarian, but then I realized you’re essentially a doctor, and fuck school.

Speaking of school, I'm returning in the fall, and it’s going to be nice. I'll have a different outlook on it. I even heard my community college will offer four-year degrees before I graduate, so I think I might actually start my empire in Lancaster and do something about this shithole. It's changing so rapidly, and I'm afraid I'll be too late.

I bought herb yesterday. I guess you could say I caved because I've been feeling low this week. I had a good conversation that made me rethink me even starting. Once again, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not as strong as I believe myself to be. I know I could've gone without it, but I craved it and felt like congratulations for the career opportunity were in order. I only took two hits from my pipe, and my god, it's going to be such a bittersweet goodbye when it's finally time to let Mary go. I said I'll stop in May again to be ready for any openings at the new job, since I was told such a vague time for when it would be—June-August, so I’ll do my best not to fuck up such a good opportunity. Addiction is such a strange concept. You get such a pleasure from a certain thing, and the gratification you get from giving in is unforgettable. But in the end, beating it is for the better.

I saw Jackie today, a girl that has been popping into the store from time to time. She's nice and seems interested. I messed up a good amount of opportunities, like seeing her outside of the store randomly. I kept telling myself I would say or do something if I saw her because you never know if people come around again. I wasn't ready for the visit today, but I found out her brother is the pretty chill guy who always bumps Tupac whenever he's in the store so I got mad love for him. Just saw him today; his name is Joey. I think going on a date will begood for me—I'm not getting any younger that's for sure. I feel guilty because I already have an emotional connection with someone, but I think as scummy as it is to say, I'm attempting to get lucky and have a nice fling while I can. Lord knows I haven't gotten physical in a cool minute.

I see every day as a new opportunity, and I believe that's what people need to get into the habit of doing. Nothing will ever, I repeat, ever land on your lap. You have to try with your whole body and soul. We have such a limited time on this earth and it's not even an option, it's a responsibility. If you haven't reached out to someone in need, please do. Help those suffering with a smile, a kind gesture, anything to help them through the day. I'm doing thatholding back tears thing. I have too much in my heart for me to handle. It feels as if past generations want to rip through my chest to be free and correct their sins through me. It has to happen. I'm going to die early working as hard as I am to get there, and hopefully I'll make my idol proud. Writing these letters down and having the ability to convey my thoughts, my emotion and soul--it's truly a gift that needs to be broadcasted.

Kendrick Lamar has left me speechless, and that's the main reason I've gotten so emotional. The album has actually blown my expectations away. Every track was laced with such personality and heart. I knew the young visionary would emerge. This is what the kids need. We need someone to trigger the revolutionaries in our hearts. Pac is gone and that was the only artist that truly cared and tried to reach out to make a difference. Every track is astounding, and I can't quite pick a favorite yet. Mortal man, the last track in the album had me break into tears of joy. He made a mock interview with Pac after the actual song. It was beautifully done, and he said something that really resonated with me. He had my mentality, he saw the opportunities, and he took the shitty, degrading jobs because he wanted to build himself up to go for his dreams. "I've made millions for so many people working those jobs. Now it's time to make us some money." Everyone, please get this album and support the movement.

I've never been attracted to someone well-off, friendships or relationships. It might be because they don't think they have anything to work on, so it bothers me. Or it could just be cloaked envy. It's probably the reason I’m so attracted to broken people. So many people have untapped potential because sometimes they don't have the one person they need to believe in them. I want to repair this world from the ground up. It does start with one person—every idea starts with one person. It's like planting a seed; if you plant enough, eventually you'll spring a farm, and you'll have to get more land to plant again. I suppose the God complex isn't the most appealing trait of mine, but it's so difficult to silence it when I meet people who need a little saving. The only problem I've ran into is when they don't see who they want to become in the mirror. You have to visualize things. Fake it 'till you make it used to be my motto, and ironically enough a TED talk (http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en) changed my viewpoint. The speaker went further with it, fake it until you become it, because eventually you will become it with the hard work put in.

I got my hands on the car to go to work, so I decided to see Asia, and Josh ended up showing after. It was such a selfish thing to do to my loved ones, but man have I evolved. I’m calling it my hyperbolic time chamber hiatus. I've come back stronger and better than ever, and it's only getting better as time goes by. The great thing is that all my friends have undergone their own life improvements. It's the age finally catching up to us. We have to adapt and make things happen. I'm ready, though. I'm ready to have friends again, to have my other family and be there for them. Isaiah has gotten so big. He's already eighteen months old. He didn't remember me, which is understandable because their memory isn't the strongest to begin with, let alone when you haven't seen someone in six months. I want to be there for my black family. They’re going to be the ones I help the most next to my own and we will capitalize on many opportunities.

I've been thinking about you lately. I wonder if you ever think about me anymore. My blood boils when people call me your name. "It's a sexier name than Freddy." Fuck you. This is my identity. You haven't impacted my life at all, and I've grown to be a fine young man. I guess I gotta thank you for giving me the lady killer genes, although I won't be a home-wrecker. It's weird that you inherit so much—I fantasize of ruining marriages just so the woman can have a good time for a night. I think I'm gonna ask my mom why she did it. What was it—just list filled, maybe even out of spite? I love the irony of being a blessing disguised as an accident. I'm probably the greatest mistake my mom has ever made. What a funny dynamic. I feel like when I blow up I’mgonna get a visit from you, and I don't know if I'll spit on you or just throw money at your face and say I want nothing to do with you. It's unfortunate; I've always wanted to see my sister, but I guess blood doesn't really mean much. Just thinking of people looking like me makes me laugh. A bunch of ugly mother fuckers. Haha! I just want to know my ancestry, but it is great that I get to write on a blank canvas. My story. I'm going to start a proud lineage with my Queen one day.