Schism

So much has happened and I've neglected what seems to be everything... Especially myself. I've pushed aside how I feel and that's where my self expression was funneled into content. I neglect and then pour into writings or recordings. Since I stopped doing that again I've felt this overwhelming apathy. Maybe I could even say sadness. I've buried myself in debt via payday loans and credit thinking that I was going to get rich quick. Here's the kicker-- I did, and then threw it away every single time. I've discovered an unrelenting greed deep within my heart. I want it all and it shows in my decisions. Every session I've made plenty of money for someone to say, "I'm good, I'll probably be going now." No, not fucking Freddy. Of course you have to have more, and potentially lose it all. Every. Fucking. Time. I dedicated this year subconsciously and actively to gambling. I understand Poker and Blackjack exponentially, and I can profit on each respectively. The only downside is that you're gambling, and when there is a random outcome, there is no always winning. I get so full of myself thinking that I'm unstoppable.


Not to dwell too much on that, although it has been the main cause of my strife. I fucked up one too many times at work, and I had to step down from leadership. I feel empty when I go to work now. I mattered before, I made decisions, and held it down. Even if I don't feel complete anymore, I learned once again that my carelessness will be the death of me. It will follow me until I die if I don't get it under control. "chill" is one of my favorite expressions because I don't think life is that serious. The thing is you have to adjust when the time comes. Sure it really isn't that serious in reality, but when you're not in a position of power, you fucking handle it. You were always too serious, and overly cautious with everyday being a test. It showed, and reminded me everyday that I don't want to end up like that. I show up, do my job, and try not to be a complete lazy ass. Lets stay a year or more and start looking again. I truly want to pursue poker and gambling but there needs to be such a refinement on my self control for it to work out.

I got a new car recently and I think it's exactly what I need. It's going to keep me structured, because I'll have to be absolutely committed, because I can't push off payments. I was thinking recently to filing bankruptcy, but in the grand scheme of everything, I'm not even that deep. Drowning is how I've described the past few months. Having the floatation device puncture on me and slowly spit out the air inside-- tossing me to the depths of the sea with no return. I've let myself go again. I let everything get to me and eat away. Stop letting it happen. Stop faltering. I've said it countless times every time. Stop fucking faltering. Stop making shitty decisions when you know the answers. I know the pieces fit...

The Conscious Reanimation 1/11/16

Lets see where this takes us tonight...


I don't want to entertain anymore. I want to fall off the grid, dive into a trade, and enrich my livelihood. Here's the kicker: I can't. I have to be realistic, because you can't just disappear. I'm not there yet and I'm incredibly far from it. So the next best thing? Accomplish that new found skill or knowledge while I'm living the hectic life. The illusion that is one's perception of themselves has been revealed to me through all the content I've created. In reality I was never critical of myself. Sure, I was conscious of my mistakes, and the bad habits that formed-- that's everyone though. Successful people pinpoint the errors and fix it. Let this be my red pen to the pages. I will edit my life, logically, and permanently. There won't be anymore room for setbacks. It's time to grow up and get shit done. That doesn't necessarily mean i can't have fun anymore, but things have to change. I am in the situation that I'm at because the decisions I made, my own actions, and I've chosen to be bad. I'm constantly torn between making decisions, therefore I never get anything done. Sure I want to do this, and that, but what will I actually accomplish if I don't sit down and work at it? The master of beginning and never finishing. The sad reality that occurred recently was that I find comfort in food because it's the only thing I can actually finish. It's easy. I gravitate to things that are easy, and not better. Why challenge my brain? What are the benefits when I could partake in this activity that stimulates me and tricks myself into believing that I'm accomplishing something? It's time to do things I love-- which will not be disclosed, because I want to be sure of it in my heart. When I get to the paper I lie to myself, telling myself things I want to hear or do, but this is no longer the case. I still struggle to not succumb to choking in dire situations... My heart rate pulsates sporadically , my hands tremble, my left eye begins twitching, and my decision making gets hazy. I make remarks to let it out--to get the nervousness to go away. If I can't conquer it, then I'll accomplish it by bluffing until it becomes a reality, right? No more saying things you don't mean, because we're tackling it all. Say no, and mean it. Today will be the last day being bad. This is not a new-years resolution. This is a conscious effort at becoming a better person, and staying that way. There is no time limit or price you can put on it. I will think smarter, make better decisions, and cash in on opportunities when they are presented to me. The hardest step is the first, then the one after that, and the one after that is even harder. I know I'm going to fuck up, a lot, but it doesn't mean I failed. I'll just be closer and closer to who and where I want to be. Lets go Freddy-- the world is waiting for you.

2015: Loss and rejection only make you stronger~

I hate opening this page... I know I need to jot down things for the digital records, but I don't want to because I can never finish it. I've been writing heavily in my journal, but it's a different outlet than this blog. I can't drop the intimacies of my brain here. It's not safe-- it's prone to be scrutinized and exploited. It's been a little more than a year since I've written the first entry during my father's passing. So much has unfolded in front of me, and it won't stop. Life has no constants unless you put in endless amounts of nurturing and effort. Quite frankly... I don't care anymore. If things fall through, they'll fall through. I put in my time and work. Hopefully past relationships can come around again, but it's so high maintenance. These drugs really fucked me up. I'll be the first to admit it, unfortunately. My perception has been altered exponentially. Now it sounds as if I'm putting a negative light on it, but it's indeed a positive one. I've finally had it with negative relationships, and things not going the way I want them to go. You don't like something? Do something about it. You don't like someone? Get rid of them. You are the master of what happens in life. If you wallow away in self-pity, guess what happens? N o t h i n g. Get the fuck up and do something. I'm so fucking tired of seeing so many people do nothing because they don't want to, or are too scared to live. That's what life is; you fail, fail, fail, and most likely fail again. Then finally you're at the end, and you ask yourself: "why go on?" You're destined to be great! Why limit yourself because of mental instabilities? You must break through. I've finished giving up. 2015 was the year to figure it all out, and the funny part is that I actually haven't figured out much, but I'm finally on the road to self-fulfillment. It's great, because I've finally learned how to be alive. Sure, maybe I've discovered how possessive, controlling, and how prone I am to stimulants because of my addictive personality. All negatives for the most part, but that's me, it's who makes me Freddy "Pragmag" Martinez. A big-hearted, generous, and ultimately shit-headed individual with good intentions. I've accepted that I will self-sabotage relationships subconsciously, because I know I don't want to hurt people with giving them false hope. It's an easy cop-out to fall back on my biological father being a suave guy who just slept around and lived a life of no commitment. But the more and more that time goes on, I realize that's what's going to happen. Maybe I will find someone, quite possibly even the "one". The thing is, I don't even believe in that anymore. You just settle for who makes your heart pump and your cock thump.

2016 is going to be filled with new adventures, sights, and people to share good times with. I will only come closer to who I want to be. The real me, the one who reflects my passionate soul that burns for the opportunity to help people. What a time to be alive.

SoCal Regionals Recap & Thoughts

I have never felt this sick to my stomach in my life before. I lost last round, last game, and last pixel. It was the scramble and I chocked. I lost my composure and freaked out, because Zangief is a fucking monster. You can never stand still against him, because he will close the gap if you get comfortable. I played so well... I practiced hours on end to figure out the ins-and-outs of the matchup.

Then I failed.

I didn't get to move on and possibly play Momochi on the stream. I was so fucking disappointed in myself, and got to a really bad place mentally. I felt so fucking defeated and the only thing I could think of was to put on my headphones and blast music. I wanted to quit Street Fighter at that exact moment. I wished I could get back all the time, money, and effort I had put into the game. What a fucking joke. Just before I was ready to wallow in perpetual self-pity, I got called for my second match in the losers bracket. Lo and behold-- a fellow Dudley appeared! I chuckled to myself, because I thought it was exactly what I needed to combat my mental-suicide. This is my most played and well known match-up. We were about the same skill level, with my pressure proving to be stronger. The slug-fest was quite a spectacle, because it was such a messy looking match. I won, and we shared some words after. So I thought to myself, "cool, I can still make it out of pools if I try hard enough." Then my next match ended so quickly because I was put on tilt so fast by this Rose player. That match-up forces something inside me to crack from the foundation. All she does is run, run, and poke at you until you're frustrated. I have so many tools to deal with her but she still proves to be a persistent nuisance. The mentality came again and I had to leave the venue to cool off. Constant defeat is a concept that I've tried to understand how to combat effectively, but it will always take a toll on your psyche. The thing that I've taken from it all is that you have to come back stronger. Blast through the glass ceiling that are your limitations. You can't give up, because you'll have wasted the opportunity to be the best you could be.

After recovering, I went to go watch the stream matches, and I never would've imagined what I was about to discover. The side-bets that take place during these matches is so entertaining. I became engulfed in these gambling sessions. I was so engaged by the matches because my money was riding on it. The energy conjured up by cheering for your player to provide positive energy is impossible to understand unless you were there. I amassed so much money betting on the ponies. I realized at that moment that gambling was now on my radar for possible addictions to be wary of. Taking money from top players that I have been watching for years was so fucking satisfying. To add to this, I truly believe I have luck on my side when it comes to 50/50's. I was putting gas when I stopped for a slushie, and I decided to buy a scratcher when I was checking out. I paid five dollars and I got fifty bucks! I was so excited that I offered the clerk five bucks because he told me to buy that brand of scratcher. I actually bought another one when I got home because I stopped at the bank, and I believe I got ten bucks but I'll scan it later and find out. I won't become addicted to gambling, but there is definitely money to be made with smart bets.

I started money matching and playing random people, and I'm good. My character needs to get in, stay in, and I need to work on not dropping shit. I will prepare regimes for specific scenarios and also on specific characters. All I'm missing now is experience, and it's painstakingly obvious. I will become a top player in this year to come because I am surrounded by enough talent that I have no reason but lack of dedication. I'm so close that I can taste it.

The event itself was alright. The lack of set-ups and the fact that it was PS4 was a bummer. I literally used my stick about an hour then the rest of the matches were everyone's stick but mine. One thing that really bothered me all tournament was that there was this girl who works as a translator for Japanese ports, and I was so reluctant to go up and talk to her. I talked to her during SCR Prelude 2 and it was nice, but I just feel like a lame trying to be thirsty during a convention type setting. I think she was expecting me to go up and talk to her because we kept finding ourselves locking gazes and quickly shifting our vision in embarrassment. This was definitely my biggest regret, because I always tell myself to not go for it for some reason. There were three days to at least approach her, and make an effort. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm still in the transitional period of moving on mentally, or an actual lack in confidence on my approach-game. I had such a fucking blast though. I am so glad that my circle is full of quality people. One problem I always ran into were making friends with people who didn't have my best interests in mind like I did for them. I will continue to travel with these people and we will continue to help each other along the way. Next major is in San Diego and we're already in talks for another trip.

Oh, wow, I almost forgot to touch on Street Fighter V! The game is ridiculously fun, and I actually was gate-keeper for a few sets. R. Mika is ridiculously strong and I had a blast having a 50/50 grab game. the pace of the game is so strange. I feel as though my lack of fundamentals definitely shows because it's a footsie-orientated game. But it feels about .7 faster than Ultra. I'm incredibly excited that I got the opportunity to play Laura too! She was really strange. I honestly feel as though there are way too many grapplers in this game already. She definitely feels unique to the franchise though. The no hard knock-downs is also something that you need to get used to. Hopefully when it comes out I'll be able to stream it efficiently!

2015 Thus Far: The Year of Creative Destruction

I am always so reluctant to write, but I know it's always the answer. You are the master, because you choose what to put down, and how to dissect it-- it's magical. The ability to portray words, emotions, experiences and even have someone connect or be moved by it. I've always wanted to do something but I've never figured it out completely. I never had people tell me you could be good at something, so I always felt mediocre because that's what I produced. I put a certain amount of effort into things, failed, and then told myself that there wasn't anything I could do about it. I fell into complacency with the ol', "oh at least I tried" bullshit. I continued the cycle until I was old enough to realize that that's not how you get anywhere. The only way you get good at something is when you become tenacious, and grow hungrier by overcoming the boredom and failures. I've said it time and time before, but I'm too stubborn to accept things sometimes. Mastery by Robert Greene has shown me so much already. It's a perfect book for my current situation. I'm learning about learning. I'm not even half-way through and already I'm being shown the secrets to learning and the way that "masters" had acquired their place in history. The biggest lesson so far is you must find what makes you happy. It's reminiscent to that child-like excitement and sense of wonder. If you are doing something that fills you with the joy of a child, then that is where you must pursue that career. With that knowledge I realized that I don't really find that feeling until I stimulate myself with conversation and intimacy with people. Growing relationships and putting your soul into someone because you care for them. I've come to realize that that is my forte: human relations. I'm both an extrovert and introvert. I love to expend my energy while hanging out, and putting my all into the day. Then I also like just cuddling up in bed and watching a movie or reading a good book. Both are essential to survive or else you'll burn out, which I discovered later in life. You can't give too much of yourself or else you'll just grow bitter or get too accustomed to the life style. Where I’m getting with this is that I've finally realized what I want to study. I think the ever so fascinating creatures that have plagued this world with its existence will be where I find my career. No psychology, because I can help people with their problems without a degree. I've realized that I actually want to go back to school, while focusing on sociology or human resources. I've been going around life so wrong this year. I'm sitting back reading my notes, my blogs, my videos. All the information that I said I would keep so I wouldn't falter in my goals. The harsh reality is that I failed at all of them... Again. I didn't save like I wanted to. I didn't repair my relationship or focus on my family. I didn't become a top player, or the west coast Dudley. I haven't even taken the damn singing lessons, or touched the bass for more than an hour. Here is where it's not just a whiny ass entry. I tried and I have a lot of time to continue what I'm doing. I took the right steps towards all of these things.

I think I've realized my problem with the direction I’ve been leading. The constant attempts at accelerating where I want to be. Hard work and planning should be the only ingredients involved. I have always tried to get ahead and then I ponder why I failed. Selling drugs, and being too pushy because it's not going my way with a relationship. Credit is the biggest lesson I've learned this year. You want something that you don't have the resources to buy yet. So you take the hit, because you'll eventually pay it off. The downside is that you'll actually pay more because you didn't end up saving for it instead. I constantly search for opportunities instead of relying on what has been given and working with my resources at hand. The passage that stood out to me the most in The Alchemist was, "Never bargain with someone using something that you don’t yet possess." The reason it resonated was because that's what I've been doing in every aspect of my life. I sit there negotiating with false promises and hopes such as a place to stay or using the word soon. I don't have anything to my name besides a damn red bull machine and a computer. I know I shouldn't be so materialistic but I have to work on not being in such a shitty situation.

I am trapped in this house and my situation will only get better by leaving everything. I want to, but I can't carry out these decisions with no capital. I also realized that my family is hurting my mentality so damn much. I always want a symbiotic relationship in life-- you help me and I'll help you-- good right? Well for some reason I can't ever get that from my family. You hold things over me, and you always want to feel so powerful when you take things away. I wonder how much of a rise you would get if I finally said you're right. I hate constantly having to prove that I'm not doing any drugs. I'm not even willing to have a discussion on the matter because you already have your pre-conceived notion that I'm high. You don't understand anything and never really have. The main reason and I've been wanting to leave because I've been suffocating. No longer are my thoughts clear. I just feel like an angsty teen all over again. I leave the house in search of clarity and to read. I was going to dip out on the loan I graciously received but then I remembered that I said I would pay it off regardless of what happens. Now I know what I have to do and how to get there. There are no more excuses. I am going to be twenty-one and I'm not going to be a burn out. I will buckle down and handle business. I will continue to pursue things and I’ll jot them down. It’s actually endearing because I told myself this almost a year ago and I feel good about it.

Finances: Put any amount of money you can into Chase and savings. Goal every months is to have at least 200 in each one by the end of the months.

Work: I told myself I would not be making minimum wage by the end of the year. If not, it’s okay. Continue looking and network more at work. Make the most of the position that you’re at. My hours are set so it opens room for schooling.

School: Debate with myself and decide if I’ll knuckle down to knock out classes.

Transportation: Save for Saul’s bike. Purchase any time before February. It’s economic and it will get you by. An additional car wouldn’t hurt but you have to save up for that one. Maybe Jeep life will become a reality.

Living situation: Out of the house by February as well. Have at least $2000 saved for deposit and breathing room.

Fitness: Get body fat down. Stop being a fat ass and stuffing your mouth unnecessarily. Don’t forget to work on strengthening your grip for improving your shitty wrist.

Bass and singing: Thirty minutes to bass at least 3-4 times a day. Continue diaphragm exercises and book lessons. $25 every half-hour. At least 2 sessions every month.

Competitive scene & networking: Continue networking and making a name for yourself. You’re in the right direction. Just have to work on execution. You will make a splash and be remembered. Make it out to every major possible.

Stream: I will put this at the end because I’m not entirely sure if I want to continue pursuing this. I’ve gone this far. Why quit? Something has to change. I will be streaming games that aren’t street fighter because I can’t stand playing online. Stream at least 3-4 times a week.

Don’t faulter. You’ll only let yourself down and wonder what happened.

Dear Momma

I find myself so often making the toughest decisions. I was always told to work/think smarter and not harder. So I'm wondering why am I making the decisions that I'm making? Reflecting back to my childhood, I would deliberately do what my mom said not to do just to spite her. You can call it rebellion, but I've finally had it. My home-life reeks of exasperation. Everything I do is wrong. Never have I made them proud, and I'm okay with it, because I'm going against the grain and learning. I will do things in my own way and show them that it's not all about their traditional view. I can't go to school-- I refuse to have you go into debt even more then you are. Everything is about bills and how we don't have enough money. No support, and constant let downs. I'm incredibly grateful that you're here, because I get to see you, hear you, talk to you, but I can't get myself to live with you anymore. I'm just a giant asshole to all of you now and it breaks my heart. I don't mean to but I just get so angry. I got emotional today when this customer started humming to her children. I still remember the tune you sang to me to settle me down when I got fussy and it sounded so similar. I know how much you put into me-- all the love, all the reading, you tried to give me the best you could, and you did. The thing is, along with all that came unrealistic ideals that will never come to fruition. I tried to be smart for you, I tried to be like the other kids, but I never could. That's the problem I've been telling you all along. We are not normal, at all. We have been through so much, lost so many people, and I feel as though you haven't learned anything at all. You gave me your heart when you had me, and all I've ever given you is disrespect and disobedience. I'm glad this all happened. Falling out isn't the best way to go about things, but I've noticed that it brings the longest lasting results. I don't think I'll ever make you proud in the way that you wanted, but I will be successful and happy in my own way. One day I hope that you will respect what I'm doing because I will never be a doctor, or a lawyer, or any of those stereotypical successful jobs. I'm not completely confident about the decisions I'm making, but I know it will work out because I will make it. One day I'll show you how much I appreciated it all. I love you, but it's time to be the man I was brought up to be. I always told you that I would change the world, and I will-- it is written.

The Journey of an Adolescent Guru

I haven't written in so long because I started to express myself with my words in a improvised manner on video. It's so different than sitting here, writting, revising, and then coming up with a finished product. I get to contemplate things here, make sure I get the details I want jammed into the sentence. Where as if I want to say something live, I might not always convey the emotion or correct diction. It is incredibly challenging because the power of editing can't alter the actual recording. I can't add or tell myself to say something differently. All in all, it's a great process. I make a layout with notes and then wing the rest of it with a story, thought, or tangent. I am able to convey my messages better since people don't read as much as they watch things hours on end. I will stimulate an audience in many ways, music, literature, and entertainment through streaming content. I want to do it all, and do it well. I'm realizing my destiny every single day and the flame of my soul grows stronger as I accomplish my goals. What a magnificent time to be alive.

The reason I wanted to write today is because I've finally realized what it is to live. It came as a response to a discussion I had with someone, because I couldn't find the words to describe my thoughts on the subject until now. The way that I figured it out was looking at why people leave, and what you can do about it aside from closing up your heart. Life is about living in the moment and putting everything you have into someone or something. You know when you're in "love" or have a really good friendship? Well people are in your life for seasons as they say. And in those moments, people are incredibly genuine. Sure they might leave you once the season is over, but time stood still, and they were your world. Those memories are irreplaceable and that's the only way you'll lead a fulfilling life. I used to be bitter about people leaving me so often but I know I'll always choose to love someone than to be safe and not create new experiences.

You don't have to be alone in the cold world-- people can warm you with a compassionate soul. No one will be with you forever and it's something that you have to accept. What you can accept easier is that people want to be your friend, but you make them earn the right to understand you. You don't have to let them all in, just the ones that you find special. You don't have to be scared, there will always be someone to catch you, and it won't be a snake veiled behind a caring face. Don't revert; you're the one who told me to stop starting over. One step forward and two steps back right to where you started. No matter how much I try, it won't make a difference if you don't stop yourself. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me-- since you're so selfless, it would actually be a practical strategy to combat the madness that is your psyche.

Every experience is so special and precious to me. I remember every experience, every stranger, or whomever has graced me with their presence or time. I had a really heartwarming experience the other day. It made me really emotional because it's always the people who can't do anything for someone else that need the most help. I don't want to say "useless" but I think powerless or incapable is more fitting. Society labels them as handicap because they need special accommodations for everyday tasks that "normal" people could accomplish with no problem. I was almost done with my day at my first job at the ice cream shop, when suddenly I got a phone call from my second job. They asked me to come in, so I said why not since the rest of this year is just grind time with the focus on paying off my debt. So I get home, change, and head out to walk to work. As I'm about a block away-- I see him, Jawan. The block gets cut off on that street because there is a desert still due to no businesses being built yet. (side note, maybe I'll petition to complete the sidewalk in that area.) But I saw him in a electric wheelchair where the desert ends and the block begins. It was dark and it looked as if he was looking for someone to come along. So I crossed the street to him and the first thing that I learned was that he couldn't speak. I also noticed that he was missing a leg, poor guy. But what I thought at first was that the wheelchair was dead and that he couldn't drive over. Then I noticed that the sidewalk is way too high after the desert ends for the wheels to go over. So easy fix right? Just help him traverse the gap by pushing it. It wasn't possible because the wheels couldn't get enough traction or speed to make it. After about ten minutes of struggling because I wasn't really using my brain. I had to come up with a different strategy. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck it, you're strong enough to do this, time to shimmy!." Finally I managed to get it over and he looked so happy, and I told him that I needed to go to work so we could walk and talk. He showed me a number on his phone and I called his mother. She sounded hysterical so I just got to the point and said that her son will be at my work and that he's okay. I found out that he lost his voice from smoking and apparently no one came by to help him for a few hours (I found him him at around eight so it was already pretty dark at that point.) This experience made me realize that I need to learn sign language because it opens the possibility to help communicate with so many people. What ended up happening with Jawan is, apparently he ran away and everyone was looking for him all afternoon since he wasn't picking up his phone. Everyone was really mad at him and couldn't focus on the fact that they should be grateful that he was okay. I heard them shouting at him from inside my job so I went outside to make sure everything was okay. His mother started bawling her eyes out and thanking me. The genuine emotion and gratitude caught me off guard so I had to catch myself from tearing up. I was looking at Jawan's eyes while he was being scolded, and what I saw was a yearning for freedom and independence extinguished with the cold reality that it wouldn't be possible... It was really sad, but I gave him a handshake and told him to take care of himself, and that I know our paths would cross again. He smiled and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I altered the possibility of him being stranded all night.

I'm going to be using this again. I think I took a long enough break from sharing my experiences to learn that I need to document it for myself. The vlogs are special but it can't satisfy the yearning for writing. Till the next one, Namaste~