I hate opening this page... I know I need to jot down things for the digital records, but I don't want to because I can never finish it. I've been writing heavily in my journal, but it's a different outlet than this blog. I can't drop the intimacies of my brain here. It's not safe-- it's prone to be scrutinized and exploited. It's been a little more than a year since I've written the first entry during my father's passing. So much has unfolded in front of me, and it won't stop. Life has no constants unless you put in endless amounts of nurturing and effort. Quite frankly... I don't care anymore. If things fall through, they'll fall through. I put in my time and work. Hopefully past relationships can come around again, but it's so high maintenance. These drugs really fucked me up. I'll be the first to admit it, unfortunately. My perception has been altered exponentially. Now it sounds as if I'm putting a negative light on it, but it's indeed a positive one. I've finally had it with negative relationships, and things not going the way I want them to go. You don't like something? Do something about it. You don't like someone? Get rid of them. You are the master of what happens in life. If you wallow away in self-pity, guess what happens? N o t h i n g. Get the fuck up and do something. I'm so fucking tired of seeing so many people do nothing because they don't want to, or are too scared to live. That's what life is; you fail, fail, fail, and most likely fail again. Then finally you're at the end, and you ask yourself: "why go on?" You're destined to be great! Why limit yourself because of mental instabilities? You must break through. I've finished giving up. 2015 was the year to figure it all out, and the funny part is that I actually haven't figured out much, but I'm finally on the road to self-fulfillment. It's great, because I've finally learned how to be alive. Sure, maybe I've discovered how possessive, controlling, and how prone I am to stimulants because of my addictive personality. All negatives for the most part, but that's me, it's who makes me Freddy "Pragmag" Martinez. A big-hearted, generous, and ultimately shit-headed individual with good intentions. I've accepted that I will self-sabotage relationships subconsciously, because I know I don't want to hurt people with giving them false hope. It's an easy cop-out to fall back on my biological father being a suave guy who just slept around and lived a life of no commitment. But the more and more that time goes on, I realize that's what's going to happen. Maybe I will find someone, quite possibly even the "one". The thing is, I don't even believe in that anymore. You just settle for who makes your heart pump and your cock thump.
2016 is going to be filled with new adventures, sights, and people to share good times with. I will only come closer to who I want to be. The real me, the one who reflects my passionate soul that burns for the opportunity to help people. What a time to be alive.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
SoCal Regionals Recap & Thoughts
I have never felt this sick to my stomach in my life before. I lost last round, last game, and last pixel. It was the scramble and I chocked. I lost my composure and freaked out, because Zangief is a fucking monster. You can never stand still against him, because he will close the gap if you get comfortable. I played so well... I practiced hours on end to figure out the ins-and-outs of the matchup.
Then I failed.
I didn't get to move on and possibly play Momochi on the stream. I was so fucking disappointed in myself, and got to a really bad place mentally. I felt so fucking defeated and the only thing I could think of was to put on my headphones and blast music. I wanted to quit Street Fighter at that exact moment. I wished I could get back all the time, money, and effort I had put into the game. What a fucking joke. Just before I was ready to wallow in perpetual self-pity, I got called for my second match in the losers bracket. Lo and behold-- a fellow Dudley appeared! I chuckled to myself, because I thought it was exactly what I needed to combat my mental-suicide. This is my most played and well known match-up. We were about the same skill level, with my pressure proving to be stronger. The slug-fest was quite a spectacle, because it was such a messy looking match. I won, and we shared some words after. So I thought to myself, "cool, I can still make it out of pools if I try hard enough." Then my next match ended so quickly because I was put on tilt so fast by this Rose player. That match-up forces something inside me to crack from the foundation. All she does is run, run, and poke at you until you're frustrated. I have so many tools to deal with her but she still proves to be a persistent nuisance. The mentality came again and I had to leave the venue to cool off. Constant defeat is a concept that I've tried to understand how to combat effectively, but it will always take a toll on your psyche. The thing that I've taken from it all is that you have to come back stronger. Blast through the glass ceiling that are your limitations. You can't give up, because you'll have wasted the opportunity to be the best you could be.
After recovering, I went to go watch the stream matches, and I never would've imagined what I was about to discover. The side-bets that take place during these matches is so entertaining. I became engulfed in these gambling sessions. I was so engaged by the matches because my money was riding on it. The energy conjured up by cheering for your player to provide positive energy is impossible to understand unless you were there. I amassed so much money betting on the ponies. I realized at that moment that gambling was now on my radar for possible addictions to be wary of. Taking money from top players that I have been watching for years was so fucking satisfying. To add to this, I truly believe I have luck on my side when it comes to 50/50's. I was putting gas when I stopped for a slushie, and I decided to buy a scratcher when I was checking out. I paid five dollars and I got fifty bucks! I was so excited that I offered the clerk five bucks because he told me to buy that brand of scratcher. I actually bought another one when I got home because I stopped at the bank, and I believe I got ten bucks but I'll scan it later and find out. I won't become addicted to gambling, but there is definitely money to be made with smart bets.
I started money matching and playing random people, and I'm good. My character needs to get in, stay in, and I need to work on not dropping shit. I will prepare regimes for specific scenarios and also on specific characters. All I'm missing now is experience, and it's painstakingly obvious. I will become a top player in this year to come because I am surrounded by enough talent that I have no reason but lack of dedication. I'm so close that I can taste it.
The event itself was alright. The lack of set-ups and the fact that it was PS4 was a bummer. I literally used my stick about an hour then the rest of the matches were everyone's stick but mine. One thing that really bothered me all tournament was that there was this girl who works as a translator for Japanese ports, and I was so reluctant to go up and talk to her. I talked to her during SCR Prelude 2 and it was nice, but I just feel like a lame trying to be thirsty during a convention type setting. I think she was expecting me to go up and talk to her because we kept finding ourselves locking gazes and quickly shifting our vision in embarrassment. This was definitely my biggest regret, because I always tell myself to not go for it for some reason. There were three days to at least approach her, and make an effort. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm still in the transitional period of moving on mentally, or an actual lack in confidence on my approach-game. I had such a fucking blast though. I am so glad that my circle is full of quality people. One problem I always ran into were making friends with people who didn't have my best interests in mind like I did for them. I will continue to travel with these people and we will continue to help each other along the way. Next major is in San Diego and we're already in talks for another trip.
Oh, wow, I almost forgot to touch on Street Fighter V! The game is ridiculously fun, and I actually was gate-keeper for a few sets. R. Mika is ridiculously strong and I had a blast having a 50/50 grab game. the pace of the game is so strange. I feel as though my lack of fundamentals definitely shows because it's a footsie-orientated game. But it feels about .7 faster than Ultra. I'm incredibly excited that I got the opportunity to play Laura too! She was really strange. I honestly feel as though there are way too many grapplers in this game already. She definitely feels unique to the franchise though. The no hard knock-downs is also something that you need to get used to. Hopefully when it comes out I'll be able to stream it efficiently!
Then I failed.
I didn't get to move on and possibly play Momochi on the stream. I was so fucking disappointed in myself, and got to a really bad place mentally. I felt so fucking defeated and the only thing I could think of was to put on my headphones and blast music. I wanted to quit Street Fighter at that exact moment. I wished I could get back all the time, money, and effort I had put into the game. What a fucking joke. Just before I was ready to wallow in perpetual self-pity, I got called for my second match in the losers bracket. Lo and behold-- a fellow Dudley appeared! I chuckled to myself, because I thought it was exactly what I needed to combat my mental-suicide. This is my most played and well known match-up. We were about the same skill level, with my pressure proving to be stronger. The slug-fest was quite a spectacle, because it was such a messy looking match. I won, and we shared some words after. So I thought to myself, "cool, I can still make it out of pools if I try hard enough." Then my next match ended so quickly because I was put on tilt so fast by this Rose player. That match-up forces something inside me to crack from the foundation. All she does is run, run, and poke at you until you're frustrated. I have so many tools to deal with her but she still proves to be a persistent nuisance. The mentality came again and I had to leave the venue to cool off. Constant defeat is a concept that I've tried to understand how to combat effectively, but it will always take a toll on your psyche. The thing that I've taken from it all is that you have to come back stronger. Blast through the glass ceiling that are your limitations. You can't give up, because you'll have wasted the opportunity to be the best you could be.
After recovering, I went to go watch the stream matches, and I never would've imagined what I was about to discover. The side-bets that take place during these matches is so entertaining. I became engulfed in these gambling sessions. I was so engaged by the matches because my money was riding on it. The energy conjured up by cheering for your player to provide positive energy is impossible to understand unless you were there. I amassed so much money betting on the ponies. I realized at that moment that gambling was now on my radar for possible addictions to be wary of. Taking money from top players that I have been watching for years was so fucking satisfying. To add to this, I truly believe I have luck on my side when it comes to 50/50's. I was putting gas when I stopped for a slushie, and I decided to buy a scratcher when I was checking out. I paid five dollars and I got fifty bucks! I was so excited that I offered the clerk five bucks because he told me to buy that brand of scratcher. I actually bought another one when I got home because I stopped at the bank, and I believe I got ten bucks but I'll scan it later and find out. I won't become addicted to gambling, but there is definitely money to be made with smart bets.
I started money matching and playing random people, and I'm good. My character needs to get in, stay in, and I need to work on not dropping shit. I will prepare regimes for specific scenarios and also on specific characters. All I'm missing now is experience, and it's painstakingly obvious. I will become a top player in this year to come because I am surrounded by enough talent that I have no reason but lack of dedication. I'm so close that I can taste it.
The event itself was alright. The lack of set-ups and the fact that it was PS4 was a bummer. I literally used my stick about an hour then the rest of the matches were everyone's stick but mine. One thing that really bothered me all tournament was that there was this girl who works as a translator for Japanese ports, and I was so reluctant to go up and talk to her. I talked to her during SCR Prelude 2 and it was nice, but I just feel like a lame trying to be thirsty during a convention type setting. I think she was expecting me to go up and talk to her because we kept finding ourselves locking gazes and quickly shifting our vision in embarrassment. This was definitely my biggest regret, because I always tell myself to not go for it for some reason. There were three days to at least approach her, and make an effort. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm still in the transitional period of moving on mentally, or an actual lack in confidence on my approach-game. I had such a fucking blast though. I am so glad that my circle is full of quality people. One problem I always ran into were making friends with people who didn't have my best interests in mind like I did for them. I will continue to travel with these people and we will continue to help each other along the way. Next major is in San Diego and we're already in talks for another trip.
Oh, wow, I almost forgot to touch on Street Fighter V! The game is ridiculously fun, and I actually was gate-keeper for a few sets. R. Mika is ridiculously strong and I had a blast having a 50/50 grab game. the pace of the game is so strange. I feel as though my lack of fundamentals definitely shows because it's a footsie-orientated game. But it feels about .7 faster than Ultra. I'm incredibly excited that I got the opportunity to play Laura too! She was really strange. I honestly feel as though there are way too many grapplers in this game already. She definitely feels unique to the franchise though. The no hard knock-downs is also something that you need to get used to. Hopefully when it comes out I'll be able to stream it efficiently!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
2015 Thus Far: The Year of Creative Destruction
I am always so reluctant to write, but I know it's always the answer. You are the master, because you choose what to put down, and how to dissect it-- it's magical. The ability to portray words, emotions, experiences and even have someone connect or be moved by it. I've always wanted to do something but I've never figured it out completely. I never had people tell me you could be good at something, so I always felt mediocre because that's what I produced. I put a certain amount of effort into things, failed, and then told myself that there wasn't anything I could do about it. I fell into complacency with the ol', "oh at least I tried" bullshit. I continued the cycle until I was old enough to realize that that's not how you get anywhere. The only way you get good at something is when you become tenacious, and grow hungrier by overcoming the boredom and failures. I've said it time and time before, but I'm too stubborn to accept things sometimes. Mastery by Robert Greene has shown me so much already. It's a perfect book for my current situation. I'm learning about learning. I'm not even half-way through and already I'm being shown the secrets to learning and the way that "masters" had acquired their place in history. The biggest lesson so far is you must find what makes you happy. It's reminiscent to that child-like excitement and sense of wonder. If you are doing something that fills you with the joy of a child, then that is where you must pursue that career. With that knowledge I realized that I don't really find that feeling until I stimulate myself with conversation and intimacy with people. Growing relationships and putting your soul into someone because you care for them. I've come to realize that that is my forte: human relations. I'm both an extrovert and introvert. I love to expend my energy while hanging out, and putting my all into the day. Then I also like just cuddling up in bed and watching a movie or reading a good book. Both are essential to survive or else you'll burn out, which I discovered later in life. You can't give too much of yourself or else you'll just grow bitter or get too accustomed to the life style. Where I’m getting with this is that I've finally realized what I want to study. I think the ever so fascinating creatures that have plagued this world with its existence will be where I find my career. No psychology, because I can help people with their problems without a degree. I've realized that I actually want to go back to school, while focusing on sociology or human resources. I've been going around life so wrong this year. I'm sitting back reading my notes, my blogs, my videos. All the information that I said I would keep so I wouldn't falter in my goals. The harsh reality is that I failed at all of them... Again. I didn't save like I wanted to. I didn't repair my relationship or focus on my family. I didn't become a top player, or the west coast Dudley. I haven't even taken the damn singing lessons, or touched the bass for more than an hour. Here is where it's not just a whiny ass entry. I tried and I have a lot of time to continue what I'm doing. I took the right steps towards all of these things.
I think I've realized my problem with the direction I’ve been leading. The constant attempts at accelerating where I want to be. Hard work and planning should be the only ingredients involved. I have always tried to get ahead and then I ponder why I failed. Selling drugs, and being too pushy because it's not going my way with a relationship. Credit is the biggest lesson I've learned this year. You want something that you don't have the resources to buy yet. So you take the hit, because you'll eventually pay it off. The downside is that you'll actually pay more because you didn't end up saving for it instead. I constantly search for opportunities instead of relying on what has been given and working with my resources at hand. The passage that stood out to me the most in The Alchemist was, "Never bargain with someone using something that you don’t yet possess." The reason it resonated was because that's what I've been doing in every aspect of my life. I sit there negotiating with false promises and hopes such as a place to stay or using the word soon. I don't have anything to my name besides a damn red bull machine and a computer. I know I shouldn't be so materialistic but I have to work on not being in such a shitty situation.
I am trapped in this house and my situation will only get better by leaving everything. I want to, but I can't carry out these decisions with no capital. I also realized that my family is hurting my mentality so damn much. I always want a symbiotic relationship in life-- you help me and I'll help you-- good right? Well for some reason I can't ever get that from my family. You hold things over me, and you always want to feel so powerful when you take things away. I wonder how much of a rise you would get if I finally said you're right. I hate constantly having to prove that I'm not doing any drugs. I'm not even willing to have a discussion on the matter because you already have your pre-conceived notion that I'm high. You don't understand anything and never really have. The main reason and I've been wanting to leave because I've been suffocating. No longer are my thoughts clear. I just feel like an angsty teen all over again. I leave the house in search of clarity and to read. I was going to dip out on the loan I graciously received but then I remembered that I said I would pay it off regardless of what happens. Now I know what I have to do and how to get there. There are no more excuses. I am going to be twenty-one and I'm not going to be a burn out. I will buckle down and handle business. I will continue to pursue things and I’ll jot them down. It’s actually endearing because I told myself this almost a year ago and I feel good about it.
Finances: Put any amount of money you can into Chase and savings. Goal every months is to have at least 200 in each one by the end of the months.
Work: I told myself I would not be making minimum wage by the end of the year. If not, it’s okay. Continue looking and network more at work. Make the most of the position that you’re at. My hours are set so it opens room for schooling.
School: Debate with myself and decide if I’ll knuckle down to knock out classes.
Transportation: Save for Saul’s bike. Purchase any time before February. It’s economic and it will get you by. An additional car wouldn’t hurt but you have to save up for that one. Maybe Jeep life will become a reality.
Living situation: Out of the house by February as well. Have at least $2000 saved for deposit and breathing room.
Fitness: Get body fat down. Stop being a fat ass and stuffing your mouth unnecessarily. Don’t forget to work on strengthening your grip for improving your shitty wrist.
Bass and singing: Thirty minutes to bass at least 3-4 times a day. Continue diaphragm exercises and book lessons. $25 every half-hour. At least 2 sessions every month.
Competitive scene & networking: Continue networking and making a name for yourself. You’re in the right direction. Just have to work on execution. You will make a splash and be remembered. Make it out to every major possible.
Stream: I will put this at the end because I’m not entirely sure if I want to continue pursuing this. I’ve gone this far. Why quit? Something has to change. I will be streaming games that aren’t street fighter because I can’t stand playing online. Stream at least 3-4 times a week.
Don’t faulter. You’ll only let yourself down and wonder what happened.
I think I've realized my problem with the direction I’ve been leading. The constant attempts at accelerating where I want to be. Hard work and planning should be the only ingredients involved. I have always tried to get ahead and then I ponder why I failed. Selling drugs, and being too pushy because it's not going my way with a relationship. Credit is the biggest lesson I've learned this year. You want something that you don't have the resources to buy yet. So you take the hit, because you'll eventually pay it off. The downside is that you'll actually pay more because you didn't end up saving for it instead. I constantly search for opportunities instead of relying on what has been given and working with my resources at hand. The passage that stood out to me the most in The Alchemist was, "Never bargain with someone using something that you don’t yet possess." The reason it resonated was because that's what I've been doing in every aspect of my life. I sit there negotiating with false promises and hopes such as a place to stay or using the word soon. I don't have anything to my name besides a damn red bull machine and a computer. I know I shouldn't be so materialistic but I have to work on not being in such a shitty situation.
I am trapped in this house and my situation will only get better by leaving everything. I want to, but I can't carry out these decisions with no capital. I also realized that my family is hurting my mentality so damn much. I always want a symbiotic relationship in life-- you help me and I'll help you-- good right? Well for some reason I can't ever get that from my family. You hold things over me, and you always want to feel so powerful when you take things away. I wonder how much of a rise you would get if I finally said you're right. I hate constantly having to prove that I'm not doing any drugs. I'm not even willing to have a discussion on the matter because you already have your pre-conceived notion that I'm high. You don't understand anything and never really have. The main reason and I've been wanting to leave because I've been suffocating. No longer are my thoughts clear. I just feel like an angsty teen all over again. I leave the house in search of clarity and to read. I was going to dip out on the loan I graciously received but then I remembered that I said I would pay it off regardless of what happens. Now I know what I have to do and how to get there. There are no more excuses. I am going to be twenty-one and I'm not going to be a burn out. I will buckle down and handle business. I will continue to pursue things and I’ll jot them down. It’s actually endearing because I told myself this almost a year ago and I feel good about it.
Finances: Put any amount of money you can into Chase and savings. Goal every months is to have at least 200 in each one by the end of the months.
Work: I told myself I would not be making minimum wage by the end of the year. If not, it’s okay. Continue looking and network more at work. Make the most of the position that you’re at. My hours are set so it opens room for schooling.
School: Debate with myself and decide if I’ll knuckle down to knock out classes.
Transportation: Save for Saul’s bike. Purchase any time before February. It’s economic and it will get you by. An additional car wouldn’t hurt but you have to save up for that one. Maybe Jeep life will become a reality.
Living situation: Out of the house by February as well. Have at least $2000 saved for deposit and breathing room.
Fitness: Get body fat down. Stop being a fat ass and stuffing your mouth unnecessarily. Don’t forget to work on strengthening your grip for improving your shitty wrist.
Bass and singing: Thirty minutes to bass at least 3-4 times a day. Continue diaphragm exercises and book lessons. $25 every half-hour. At least 2 sessions every month.
Competitive scene & networking: Continue networking and making a name for yourself. You’re in the right direction. Just have to work on execution. You will make a splash and be remembered. Make it out to every major possible.
Stream: I will put this at the end because I’m not entirely sure if I want to continue pursuing this. I’ve gone this far. Why quit? Something has to change. I will be streaming games that aren’t street fighter because I can’t stand playing online. Stream at least 3-4 times a week.
Don’t faulter. You’ll only let yourself down and wonder what happened.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Dear Momma
I find myself so often making the toughest decisions. I was always told to work/think smarter and not harder. So I'm wondering why am I making the decisions that I'm making? Reflecting back to my childhood, I would deliberately do what my mom said not to do just to spite her. You can call it rebellion, but I've finally had it.
My home-life reeks of exasperation. Everything I do is wrong. Never have I made them proud, and I'm okay with it, because I'm going against the grain and learning. I will do things in my own way and show them that it's not all about their traditional view. I can't go to school-- I refuse to have you go into debt even more then you are. Everything is about bills and how we don't have enough money. No support, and constant let downs. I'm incredibly grateful that you're here, because I get to see you, hear you, talk to you, but I can't get myself to live with you anymore. I'm just a giant asshole to all of you now and it breaks my heart. I don't mean to but I just get so angry. I got emotional today when this customer started humming to her children. I still remember the tune you sang to me to settle me down when I got fussy and it sounded so similar. I know how much you put into me-- all the love, all the reading, you tried to give me the best you could, and you did. The thing is, along with all that came unrealistic ideals that will never come to fruition. I tried to be smart for you, I tried to be like the other kids, but I never could. That's the problem I've been telling you all along. We are not normal, at all. We have been through so much, lost so many people, and I feel as though you haven't learned anything at all. You gave me your heart when you had me, and all I've ever given you is disrespect and disobedience. I'm glad this all happened. Falling out isn't the best way to go about things, but I've noticed that it brings the longest lasting results. I don't think I'll ever make you proud in the way that you wanted, but I will be successful and happy in my own way. One day I hope that you will respect what I'm doing because I will never be a doctor, or a lawyer, or any of those stereotypical successful jobs. I'm not completely confident about the decisions I'm making, but I know it will work out because I will make it. One day I'll show you how much I appreciated it all. I love you, but it's time to be the man I was brought up to be. I always told you that I would change the world, and I will-- it is written.
Monday, September 21, 2015
The Journey of an Adolescent Guru
I haven't written in so long because I started to express myself with my words in a improvised manner on video. It's so different than sitting here, writting, revising, and then coming up with a finished product. I get to contemplate things here, make sure I get the details I want jammed into the sentence. Where as if I want to say something live, I might not always convey the emotion or correct diction. It is incredibly challenging because the power of editing can't alter the actual recording. I can't add or tell myself to say something differently. All in all, it's a great process. I make a layout with notes and then wing the rest of it with a story, thought, or tangent. I am able to convey my messages better since people don't read as much as they watch things hours on end. I will stimulate an audience in many ways, music, literature, and entertainment through streaming content. I want to do it all, and do it well. I'm realizing my destiny every single day and the flame of my soul grows stronger as I accomplish my goals. What a magnificent time to be alive.
The reason I wanted to write today is because I've finally realized what it is to live. It came as a response to a discussion I had with someone, because I couldn't find the words to describe my thoughts on the subject until now. The way that I figured it out was looking at why people leave, and what you can do about it aside from closing up your heart. Life is about living in the moment and putting everything you have into someone or something. You know when you're in "love" or have a really good friendship? Well people are in your life for seasons as they say. And in those moments, people are incredibly genuine. Sure they might leave you once the season is over, but time stood still, and they were your world. Those memories are irreplaceable and that's the only way you'll lead a fulfilling life. I used to be bitter about people leaving me so often but I know I'll always choose to love someone than to be safe and not create new experiences.
You don't have to be alone in the cold world-- people can warm you with a compassionate soul. No one will be with you forever and it's something that you have to accept. What you can accept easier is that people want to be your friend, but you make them earn the right to understand you. You don't have to let them all in, just the ones that you find special. You don't have to be scared, there will always be someone to catch you, and it won't be a snake veiled behind a caring face. Don't revert; you're the one who told me to stop starting over. One step forward and two steps back right to where you started. No matter how much I try, it won't make a difference if you don't stop yourself. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me-- since you're so selfless, it would actually be a practical strategy to combat the madness that is your psyche.
Every experience is so special and precious to me. I remember every experience, every stranger, or whomever has graced me with their presence or time. I had a really heartwarming experience the other day. It made me really emotional because it's always the people who can't do anything for someone else that need the most help. I don't want to say "useless" but I think powerless or incapable is more fitting. Society labels them as handicap because they need special accommodations for everyday tasks that "normal" people could accomplish with no problem. I was almost done with my day at my first job at the ice cream shop, when suddenly I got a phone call from my second job. They asked me to come in, so I said why not since the rest of this year is just grind time with the focus on paying off my debt. So I get home, change, and head out to walk to work. As I'm about a block away-- I see him, Jawan. The block gets cut off on that street because there is a desert still due to no businesses being built yet. (side note, maybe I'll petition to complete the sidewalk in that area.) But I saw him in a electric wheelchair where the desert ends and the block begins. It was dark and it looked as if he was looking for someone to come along. So I crossed the street to him and the first thing that I learned was that he couldn't speak. I also noticed that he was missing a leg, poor guy. But what I thought at first was that the wheelchair was dead and that he couldn't drive over. Then I noticed that the sidewalk is way too high after the desert ends for the wheels to go over. So easy fix right? Just help him traverse the gap by pushing it. It wasn't possible because the wheels couldn't get enough traction or speed to make it. After about ten minutes of struggling because I wasn't really using my brain. I had to come up with a different strategy. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck it, you're strong enough to do this, time to shimmy!." Finally I managed to get it over and he looked so happy, and I told him that I needed to go to work so we could walk and talk. He showed me a number on his phone and I called his mother. She sounded hysterical so I just got to the point and said that her son will be at my work and that he's okay. I found out that he lost his voice from smoking and apparently no one came by to help him for a few hours (I found him him at around eight so it was already pretty dark at that point.) This experience made me realize that I need to learn sign language because it opens the possibility to help communicate with so many people. What ended up happening with Jawan is, apparently he ran away and everyone was looking for him all afternoon since he wasn't picking up his phone. Everyone was really mad at him and couldn't focus on the fact that they should be grateful that he was okay. I heard them shouting at him from inside my job so I went outside to make sure everything was okay. His mother started bawling her eyes out and thanking me. The genuine emotion and gratitude caught me off guard so I had to catch myself from tearing up. I was looking at Jawan's eyes while he was being scolded, and what I saw was a yearning for freedom and independence extinguished with the cold reality that it wouldn't be possible... It was really sad, but I gave him a handshake and told him to take care of himself, and that I know our paths would cross again. He smiled and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I altered the possibility of him being stranded all night.
I'm going to be using this again. I think I took a long enough break from sharing my experiences to learn that I need to document it for myself. The vlogs are special but it can't satisfy the yearning for writing. Till the next one, Namaste~
The reason I wanted to write today is because I've finally realized what it is to live. It came as a response to a discussion I had with someone, because I couldn't find the words to describe my thoughts on the subject until now. The way that I figured it out was looking at why people leave, and what you can do about it aside from closing up your heart. Life is about living in the moment and putting everything you have into someone or something. You know when you're in "love" or have a really good friendship? Well people are in your life for seasons as they say. And in those moments, people are incredibly genuine. Sure they might leave you once the season is over, but time stood still, and they were your world. Those memories are irreplaceable and that's the only way you'll lead a fulfilling life. I used to be bitter about people leaving me so often but I know I'll always choose to love someone than to be safe and not create new experiences.
You don't have to be alone in the cold world-- people can warm you with a compassionate soul. No one will be with you forever and it's something that you have to accept. What you can accept easier is that people want to be your friend, but you make them earn the right to understand you. You don't have to let them all in, just the ones that you find special. You don't have to be scared, there will always be someone to catch you, and it won't be a snake veiled behind a caring face. Don't revert; you're the one who told me to stop starting over. One step forward and two steps back right to where you started. No matter how much I try, it won't make a difference if you don't stop yourself. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me-- since you're so selfless, it would actually be a practical strategy to combat the madness that is your psyche.
Every experience is so special and precious to me. I remember every experience, every stranger, or whomever has graced me with their presence or time. I had a really heartwarming experience the other day. It made me really emotional because it's always the people who can't do anything for someone else that need the most help. I don't want to say "useless" but I think powerless or incapable is more fitting. Society labels them as handicap because they need special accommodations for everyday tasks that "normal" people could accomplish with no problem. I was almost done with my day at my first job at the ice cream shop, when suddenly I got a phone call from my second job. They asked me to come in, so I said why not since the rest of this year is just grind time with the focus on paying off my debt. So I get home, change, and head out to walk to work. As I'm about a block away-- I see him, Jawan. The block gets cut off on that street because there is a desert still due to no businesses being built yet. (side note, maybe I'll petition to complete the sidewalk in that area.) But I saw him in a electric wheelchair where the desert ends and the block begins. It was dark and it looked as if he was looking for someone to come along. So I crossed the street to him and the first thing that I learned was that he couldn't speak. I also noticed that he was missing a leg, poor guy. But what I thought at first was that the wheelchair was dead and that he couldn't drive over. Then I noticed that the sidewalk is way too high after the desert ends for the wheels to go over. So easy fix right? Just help him traverse the gap by pushing it. It wasn't possible because the wheels couldn't get enough traction or speed to make it. After about ten minutes of struggling because I wasn't really using my brain. I had to come up with a different strategy. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck it, you're strong enough to do this, time to shimmy!." Finally I managed to get it over and he looked so happy, and I told him that I needed to go to work so we could walk and talk. He showed me a number on his phone and I called his mother. She sounded hysterical so I just got to the point and said that her son will be at my work and that he's okay. I found out that he lost his voice from smoking and apparently no one came by to help him for a few hours (I found him him at around eight so it was already pretty dark at that point.) This experience made me realize that I need to learn sign language because it opens the possibility to help communicate with so many people. What ended up happening with Jawan is, apparently he ran away and everyone was looking for him all afternoon since he wasn't picking up his phone. Everyone was really mad at him and couldn't focus on the fact that they should be grateful that he was okay. I heard them shouting at him from inside my job so I went outside to make sure everything was okay. His mother started bawling her eyes out and thanking me. The genuine emotion and gratitude caught me off guard so I had to catch myself from tearing up. I was looking at Jawan's eyes while he was being scolded, and what I saw was a yearning for freedom and independence extinguished with the cold reality that it wouldn't be possible... It was really sad, but I gave him a handshake and told him to take care of himself, and that I know our paths would cross again. He smiled and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I altered the possibility of him being stranded all night.
I'm going to be using this again. I think I took a long enough break from sharing my experiences to learn that I need to document it for myself. The vlogs are special but it can't satisfy the yearning for writing. Till the next one, Namaste~
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Patience doesn't mean you sit and wait for a deal
Hmmm. This month started out on a progress-orientated path. It's due to the fire finally being under my ass. It's make it or break it time. I have the money I need to invest and I need to pay it back in full by six months. I need to make payments of 500 if I want to pay it on time. I have no job guaranteed at Sygma since it fell through, and now I have a goal to accomplish. I want to be stable by the end of the year. Not just for myself but because I want to further my "relationship". Now I know, it's stupid to plan things around other people, but it's more like an addition or reward for getting myself on a stable track. I'm applying to places where I might have a future due to the room for advancement. I will be an entrepreneur one day and I really think it's going to happen soon if I manage myself correctly. Freddy Martinez, the grand loser turned successful philanthropist-- I like it.
I've realized recently that my stream career won't go anywhere unless I start jumping on the top games bandwagon. As much as I love my street fighter following. It won't do anything for me until I actually start getting some exposure by going to majors and not just UGC. Which I actually have been making a buzz in my scene. So many people have admitted that they've seen me stream and it's so cool that my hard work is paying off. I keep playing against top players at my tournament first round so it's a bit daunting but I'll persevere. I'm attempting to catch onto habits as fast as possible since I only have one game of data. My hard reads prove to be quite formidable. I'm so excited for my first major since my jitters have gone away for the most part.
I feel so stupid. I'm literally going the opposite direction of where I want to be mentally. I'm going to be taking a hiatus from the Internet and I'll see where that gets me. I started out saying that the burning desire was there but it fizzled out due to my wisdom teeth surgery setting me back so much. I feel so scatterbrained. I've realized I manifest so many problems and make mountains out of anthills. Expressing myself vocally and writing shows how much I don't learn from my mistakes. I learn better from other's mistakes because I don't truly embrace myself. I know I put my flaws and problems out there but it's the ones I don't address that bring the dominant problems. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm a jealous possessive narcissist who attempts everything and finishes nothing. I get so mad at the people I care about and act brash. Brash seems to be how I'm handling personal affairs lately. I don't see what I want happening, so my mindset turns to aggression or I completely move on from it because I know I won't get my way. Compromise is powerful-- so strong that I can't fully utilize it yet. I stopped using my words because I attempted to be a man of action, but what's left when action falls short? Hollow words of reassurance and shortcomings attempting to bandage the wounds created. I used to think stepping away from the problems was always the best answer but now I know I need to be the strategist that I want to be. I need to actually be pragmatic as I chose my name to represent. Let's make it work Freddy.
On that note-- I'm making it happen. I'm leaving by the end of June and I'm ready. I got my interview on Friday for best buys mobile services. Now I know-- that's not what you said was going to happen Freddy. Listen, I got an opportunity from a friend I helped out a couple of years back and from the looks of it, I can nail this, get my experience, and then move on to Verizon. Getting experience and an opportunity for advancement within a company is very appealing to me since I've always worked for small businesses. I've had it with labor, if I'm not going to school, "I am going to have to be smart in the other way." Plus working hard physically isn't going to benefit my health in the long run. I want to run with my kids and then grandkids. I guess that's me realizing I don't want to die by thirty fighting the good fight, I want to truly build the empire I said I would. I am taking the first steps, which is to plan. I have established some long term goals I eventually want to get to, and ironically enough, these were brought to my attention by my good friends. It's time to save so I can actually invest in the endeavors that I want.
So many things are going to happen but I'm getting so impatient. It's crazy how much time has elapsed already since I actually started writing to keep track of things. It's almost eight months... Anyway, I'm going to be moving in with my friend Alfonso in August and it's going to be so cheap and totally possible to save up. I've moved out a couple of times before but this is it. True independence-- no living under someone else and having that safety net. It's time to prosper, handle my money, manage my time for personal and social affairs. It's going to be up to me, all me, and I get to finally establish that relationship with my parents. I've heard you can't really be friends with your parents while you're under their roof and I definitely understand that. I'm coming at my mom very responsibly now due to the loan that she pulled out, and it's already such a better dynamic. Slowly we will get there, because results are better than no progress. A man of tomorrow gets nothing done today.
PS: I'm going to start doing Vlogs and here is the first one if you haven't seen it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaDWIM3fXdk
I've realized recently that my stream career won't go anywhere unless I start jumping on the top games bandwagon. As much as I love my street fighter following. It won't do anything for me until I actually start getting some exposure by going to majors and not just UGC. Which I actually have been making a buzz in my scene. So many people have admitted that they've seen me stream and it's so cool that my hard work is paying off. I keep playing against top players at my tournament first round so it's a bit daunting but I'll persevere. I'm attempting to catch onto habits as fast as possible since I only have one game of data. My hard reads prove to be quite formidable. I'm so excited for my first major since my jitters have gone away for the most part.
I feel so stupid. I'm literally going the opposite direction of where I want to be mentally. I'm going to be taking a hiatus from the Internet and I'll see where that gets me. I started out saying that the burning desire was there but it fizzled out due to my wisdom teeth surgery setting me back so much. I feel so scatterbrained. I've realized I manifest so many problems and make mountains out of anthills. Expressing myself vocally and writing shows how much I don't learn from my mistakes. I learn better from other's mistakes because I don't truly embrace myself. I know I put my flaws and problems out there but it's the ones I don't address that bring the dominant problems. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm a jealous possessive narcissist who attempts everything and finishes nothing. I get so mad at the people I care about and act brash. Brash seems to be how I'm handling personal affairs lately. I don't see what I want happening, so my mindset turns to aggression or I completely move on from it because I know I won't get my way. Compromise is powerful-- so strong that I can't fully utilize it yet. I stopped using my words because I attempted to be a man of action, but what's left when action falls short? Hollow words of reassurance and shortcomings attempting to bandage the wounds created. I used to think stepping away from the problems was always the best answer but now I know I need to be the strategist that I want to be. I need to actually be pragmatic as I chose my name to represent. Let's make it work Freddy.
On that note-- I'm making it happen. I'm leaving by the end of June and I'm ready. I got my interview on Friday for best buys mobile services. Now I know-- that's not what you said was going to happen Freddy. Listen, I got an opportunity from a friend I helped out a couple of years back and from the looks of it, I can nail this, get my experience, and then move on to Verizon. Getting experience and an opportunity for advancement within a company is very appealing to me since I've always worked for small businesses. I've had it with labor, if I'm not going to school, "I am going to have to be smart in the other way." Plus working hard physically isn't going to benefit my health in the long run. I want to run with my kids and then grandkids. I guess that's me realizing I don't want to die by thirty fighting the good fight, I want to truly build the empire I said I would. I am taking the first steps, which is to plan. I have established some long term goals I eventually want to get to, and ironically enough, these were brought to my attention by my good friends. It's time to save so I can actually invest in the endeavors that I want.
So many things are going to happen but I'm getting so impatient. It's crazy how much time has elapsed already since I actually started writing to keep track of things. It's almost eight months... Anyway, I'm going to be moving in with my friend Alfonso in August and it's going to be so cheap and totally possible to save up. I've moved out a couple of times before but this is it. True independence-- no living under someone else and having that safety net. It's time to prosper, handle my money, manage my time for personal and social affairs. It's going to be up to me, all me, and I get to finally establish that relationship with my parents. I've heard you can't really be friends with your parents while you're under their roof and I definitely understand that. I'm coming at my mom very responsibly now due to the loan that she pulled out, and it's already such a better dynamic. Slowly we will get there, because results are better than no progress. A man of tomorrow gets nothing done today.
PS: I'm going to start doing Vlogs and here is the first one if you haven't seen it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaDWIM3fXdk
Thursday, June 4, 2015
All my Angles Are Right
Back at it again! The month of May is starting out on a good note. Mother's Day was an interesting day because a good amount happened. I don't really go to church anymore unless I want to be really nice to my parents or it's a holiday. The new church they're going to is actually a couple of blocks down the street so that's a nice change compared to being in the neighboring town. It unfortunately started on a bad note because they were ready to leave me because I woke up late. I got ready in five minutes so there was no need to pull out of the drive way. Those are the things that really bother me above all. My family is habitually late because our time management skills aren't the best. All the clocks in the house are set ten minutes forward so we have a time bumper for when we're actually late. Anyway, we get to the church and after the worship, the first thing the pastor talked about was same sex marriage. It put a sour taste in my mouth already. He spoke about it because he received different receptions about his lesson on it last week so he felt the need to address it. This country is going to be so fucking hard to unite because we're constantly split on everything. Religion and politics are always the touchy subjects because people are so adamant about standing by their views. ITS WRONG, IMMORAL, AND THEY SHOULD BE PURGED. I fucking hate the fact that they can sit there and talk for days of their loving God and then constantly make people feel like they're living their lives wrong. It was over and we went to a second service that was in Spanish. This one was so delightful on the other hand—a complete one-eighty. The community and tight knit groups that I loved about church stood out. We were greeted by so many people because they knew we were new. Worship was great, and they even had a five string bass player! The sermon was even on a different tone. It actually preached about empowering women and how even though they paint women as a weak, it's not true. After that they even had food for fellowship. I actually wouldn't mind returning to this service maybe a couple of times through the months. I know it would make my mom really happy.
My mother and pops went to go visit his past mother’s grave. So I stayed home and ran some more errands. Speaking of this subject. She asked me if we're ever going to see my father’s grave. I kind of gave her a stupid looking face and asked her what she was even asking. She already knows how Judy feels about it. (Judy is my middle sibling.) And I share that view with her. There isn't really a point in visiting besides reminiscing and cleaning up the grave. It's just people's obligations telling them they have to. I remember my father and I shouldn't have to prove it by visiting a tomb with a decomposing body that we spent thousands to bury. She even says she wouldn't want flowers on her grave because she wouldn't see it. That's why I've gotten into the habit of buying her flowers periodically.
I ended up buying my older sister Yvette a hundred dollar gift card for Saphora, a make up store, and then my mother a deep fryer. Now I know that sounds like a strange Mother's Day gift but you gotta understand—a deep fryer would make our lives so much easier. Haha! But that day I realized I'm horrible when it comes to gifts. I went out to buy wrapping paper and I didn’t even want to put the effort into wrapping the damn thing. I've always been broke around the holidays or birthdays because I act selfishly and my budgeting skills aren't the best. But I told myself I would do things differently this year. So it felt good to actually make people happy with my purchases. I’ve ran into someone who have given me a very perspective on special days such as birthdays and holidays. They don’t really celebrate them and don’t agree with the fact that you should buy them things or even make the day special. It was so hard to understand the concept because I was always brought up to at least use this day to show the appreciation because things always come up and it’s nice to show that you care for someone. Getting the gifts actually started turmoil between me and my sister Judy. Judy bought my mom and sister a hundred dollars’ worth on a gift card for Victoria’s secret because they’re expensive as shit. My mom told her she didn’t want anything from her because she didn’t want her to perpetuate her debt just so she could get something. But my sister did it anyway, out of obligation and wanting to buy something nice since that’s how she can express herself since she’s kind of mean sometimes. I told her that they probably would’ve been fine with a fifty dollar card each knowing that you didn’t use credit and just used your money.
Judy is physically handicapped and has been cursed to go through many struggles due to it. I won’t go into too many details but she had multiple surgeries when she was young so now she has a metal rod in her spine, and has to walk with braces on her legs and feet, along with shoe that is elevated two inches to even out her shorter leg. Growing up with my sister was hard because I saw the world for what it was-- judgmental and with no compassion or room for understanding. If something isn’t part of the norm it is considered broken, and it has to be “fixed” or will be shunned. I’ve always hated going out with my sister because the stares that people give are relentless, and it developed an anger issue due to having to tell people to say fuck off or say excuse me to break the stares. I walk proudly now after the years because I realized I have to be, but it was so difficult not to be affected. The one that gets me the most is when children stare, stare, and then turn to their parents to ask them a question about it. I can’t imagine how it must be for my sister to have grown up being so intelligent but being placed with mentally handicapped children because the system didn’t know how to go about it. Judy is actually the smartest person I know and ironically enough the most naïve. Judy has been getting on my nerves as of late because she graduated from college with a degree in creative writing last year and has done absolutely nothing with it. I told my mother recently that she has created an incredibly lazy and intelligent monster by being good mother, and providing everything/ catering to every need. I just recently started telling my mother to make her get up herself and do whatever she wants. If there isn’t food made, she will make it. If there isn’t anyone here to do something, she will do it. She lived with a roommate and independently when she was in college so I know she can do it. She can do anything in this world, it’s just the problem of finding her own ways of accomplishing them. One thing I’ve told myself since I’ve become so self-aware is that I will live my life to the fullest because it will be in my sister’s honor. I will run, jump, fly, skydive, swim, and most importantly live to my full potential for my sister because that’s the least I can do for her. I told her to start something because the internet is a great tool, and I’m sure that people would like to hear her opinion about things since she’s so damn vocal about them. I’m telling her to brainstorm and that she can use my equipment when she’s ready to make something. It’s going to come up soon hopefully. I’ll try to be more supportive.
Little Dragon was spectacular. I had fourty bucks to start off since I got my coins exchanged at work for cash. I put twenty in the tank, and I actually broke the twenty to get a bite to eat because I was starving from working earlier. I drove all the way up the observatory and found out that parking was twenty dollars and there were no negotiations or debit swipes. So what else would Freddy do? Park down the hill in a residential area and walk my ass up. I finally made it, and I have to say, it was the workout of my life. That hill leading to the Greek Theatre was so fucking steep. The funny part was that leg day was the day before so I was really feeling it. I ended up finally getting my ticket and I downed the shrooms that I bought for the show and guzzled down my brisk because I couldn’t bring it in. I finally made it, I made it front row, and there was another band playing, Hiatus Kaiyote. They had great energy and they were a neo-soul band so I was definitely digging it. This was one of my first concert experiences of this magnitude. It was magnificent to see such energies manifesting. Finally, it was time for Little Dragon to come up, and the scary part of the shrooms trip began pre-show setup. Schizophrenia is definitely a really scary thing and I can see how that’s an adverse effect of using these things in the wrong environment. I’ve been doing my research and it’s not a problem as long as you don’t do them so recurrently. The fact that I was willing to do them in a concert environment was kind of naïve of me, but it was definitely worth it. I just told myself to breath and I was focusing on lights because that’s really all I could do. I really wanted to sit down as well, but I didn’t want to lose my front row spot that I worked to get during the set before. Finally, the backdrop for Little Dragon came on and it was really psychedelic looking. The face was white and it would start to drip progressively during the show and it also had a checkered pattered on the right side. Yukimi came out, and it was a dream turned reality. I finally heard her voice live, and it was just so strange to have listened to these guys on my ipod for so many years, then finally learning that they’re a million times better live. I have a personal problem with dancing, it was mainly due to being overweight but now that I’ve been working on it I do feel a level of confidence. Man did I dance the whole night away, it was so strange, and the rhythm possessed my body because I didn’t stop until the end of the show. It was a blast! I felt in sync with the band, and the light show that they provided was excellent because it was in tandem with the music. I was still really high from the shrooms when they ended so I went down the never-ending hill and listened to my music. Never has the music playing on my ipod never been so good. Everything felt like a movie as I was going down the hill with the credits rolling, but the movie was far from over. I realized that every time I take shrooms, love becomes very apparent. I want to express love to the people I care about. I kept thinking about my family and then my love interest. I actually called my mom and it was great because we just talked and I expressed how much I cared for her. Maybe it’s bad that I only do these things under the influence of drugs but I know I was using them to get to this point. As I was walking down the hill these girls that were next to me being my backup singers walked next to me. They were from the UK and it was great talking to them. The boyfriend seemed a bit fed up about something but I think it was just because I was shining too hard from the shrooms. I finally got to the car and I called the one person I wanted to talk to. She has turned into what I told her to become apparently, which is a cheeky little munster who entertains me by keeping me on my toes, and making sure that I do the things I say I will do. It becomes pretty taxing sometimes but overall I appreciate the company of someone who seems to care about me. We actually spoke of the night and I realized it wasn’t actually exactly how I remembered. I said very vulgar things to her, and that’s not something she needs to hear. I vaguely remember saying that she makes me express passion and I think that’s where the train set off. I finally said I loved her though, which won’t get me anywhere at this point. But she helped me sober up before I went on my hour-long drive home. As I started to drive I realized that I wasn’t good yet, so I stopped at the gas station and I met this really good individual, Ricky. Right when I walked in, he was talking to this girl and they were both feeling each other and I could tell. We spoke about his business, why the ladies be bullshitting, and that we should hang out. We exchanged numbers and I actually want to network with this guy, it’s just hard because he’s in the booming city of LA. I actually got lost after I left because I went to Walgreens to buy my mom flowers and the GPS didn’t function correctly after that for some reason. I got back on track and finally got home safely though! Overall it was an incredible experience and I would love to go see them live in their native country, Sweden, sometime in the future.
I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to articulate anything. It’s actually due to my editor being in his own problems so he can’t really push me or actually edit them. But proofreading and actually editing for myself is good to do since I skipped that step when I sent them to him. My new mentor, Garrett, is a really genuine individual. I have to thank him for being there for me when I have concerns and being able to counsel with him. It’s crazy seeing how much time has passed since I’ve met him, and how bad of a player I used to be. He is on my list of people I will meet thanks to the internet, and it’ll be a great to be able to see Green Ol’ Oregon as a bonus.
Lots of personal problems happened this month. I was attempting to convince my mother to get a loan so I could start some type of investment towards my financial future. She was so worried about everything, and that’s one thing that irritates me about my mother. She is incredibly indecisive about everything and can’t make decisions without second guessing herself or getting someone’s input. I understand it’s hard and you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but decisions have to be made especially if no one decides. She came at me really raw, which is good, and I told her I appreciate her concern but she needs to shift the focus to my sister. She said, you act like you know everything, school isn’t even on your list, you’re still doing drugs, you’re not sleeping like you should, and you’re not getting anywhere in life—you’re almost twenty-one! You can’t wait for someone to give you a job, you have to go out and get it. It’s true, I have been waiting on Sam because I assumed it would be a sure thing. But what it looks like is that maybe it’s actually not going to go through until later months unfortunately. I’m going to start applying places and hopefully I can get something. It’s just really hard in this city. I don’t want to leave it but if things don’t start changing I might try somewhere else. I feel stuck, I kept telling myself things will work out and just be patient, but I am getting incredibly impatient. I’ve been working on everything from within except actually getting a good job. I honestly don’t mind giving myself up for full time, but it’s only shitty jobs with shitty pay. I am clean so there isn’t really a barrier now. I’ve been working on everything I could work on and I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a rut because it would’ve happened now but I just want to vocalize this defeat. It sucks being so powerless when trying to convey a powerful front. I said I would leave my job by the end of the month and then I realized it wasn’t because I was planning anything. I just did what Freddy always does and have a general guideline then I normally stray from it, then fumble, then finally realize that I was being a fool from the beginning. June will be different, I will die trying. Thirty days to make it happen. There has been a lack of burning desire, and I think it’s because I’m in such a safe environment and I can get away with not actually doing anything. I’m not really contributing at all to this home because my hours were ass last month.
I don’t want to keep writing because these are getting too long. I’ll do my best to do the bi-weekly entries, I just have to make sure I write something.
So find a new job by the end of June.
Find something to invest the money
No 0-2 at UGC
Don’t falter from working out
Make long-term goals and write them out
Communicate things better
Schedule the singing lessons
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY
My mother and pops went to go visit his past mother’s grave. So I stayed home and ran some more errands. Speaking of this subject. She asked me if we're ever going to see my father’s grave. I kind of gave her a stupid looking face and asked her what she was even asking. She already knows how Judy feels about it. (Judy is my middle sibling.) And I share that view with her. There isn't really a point in visiting besides reminiscing and cleaning up the grave. It's just people's obligations telling them they have to. I remember my father and I shouldn't have to prove it by visiting a tomb with a decomposing body that we spent thousands to bury. She even says she wouldn't want flowers on her grave because she wouldn't see it. That's why I've gotten into the habit of buying her flowers periodically.
I ended up buying my older sister Yvette a hundred dollar gift card for Saphora, a make up store, and then my mother a deep fryer. Now I know that sounds like a strange Mother's Day gift but you gotta understand—a deep fryer would make our lives so much easier. Haha! But that day I realized I'm horrible when it comes to gifts. I went out to buy wrapping paper and I didn’t even want to put the effort into wrapping the damn thing. I've always been broke around the holidays or birthdays because I act selfishly and my budgeting skills aren't the best. But I told myself I would do things differently this year. So it felt good to actually make people happy with my purchases. I’ve ran into someone who have given me a very perspective on special days such as birthdays and holidays. They don’t really celebrate them and don’t agree with the fact that you should buy them things or even make the day special. It was so hard to understand the concept because I was always brought up to at least use this day to show the appreciation because things always come up and it’s nice to show that you care for someone. Getting the gifts actually started turmoil between me and my sister Judy. Judy bought my mom and sister a hundred dollars’ worth on a gift card for Victoria’s secret because they’re expensive as shit. My mom told her she didn’t want anything from her because she didn’t want her to perpetuate her debt just so she could get something. But my sister did it anyway, out of obligation and wanting to buy something nice since that’s how she can express herself since she’s kind of mean sometimes. I told her that they probably would’ve been fine with a fifty dollar card each knowing that you didn’t use credit and just used your money.
Judy is physically handicapped and has been cursed to go through many struggles due to it. I won’t go into too many details but she had multiple surgeries when she was young so now she has a metal rod in her spine, and has to walk with braces on her legs and feet, along with shoe that is elevated two inches to even out her shorter leg. Growing up with my sister was hard because I saw the world for what it was-- judgmental and with no compassion or room for understanding. If something isn’t part of the norm it is considered broken, and it has to be “fixed” or will be shunned. I’ve always hated going out with my sister because the stares that people give are relentless, and it developed an anger issue due to having to tell people to say fuck off or say excuse me to break the stares. I walk proudly now after the years because I realized I have to be, but it was so difficult not to be affected. The one that gets me the most is when children stare, stare, and then turn to their parents to ask them a question about it. I can’t imagine how it must be for my sister to have grown up being so intelligent but being placed with mentally handicapped children because the system didn’t know how to go about it. Judy is actually the smartest person I know and ironically enough the most naïve. Judy has been getting on my nerves as of late because she graduated from college with a degree in creative writing last year and has done absolutely nothing with it. I told my mother recently that she has created an incredibly lazy and intelligent monster by being good mother, and providing everything/ catering to every need. I just recently started telling my mother to make her get up herself and do whatever she wants. If there isn’t food made, she will make it. If there isn’t anyone here to do something, she will do it. She lived with a roommate and independently when she was in college so I know she can do it. She can do anything in this world, it’s just the problem of finding her own ways of accomplishing them. One thing I’ve told myself since I’ve become so self-aware is that I will live my life to the fullest because it will be in my sister’s honor. I will run, jump, fly, skydive, swim, and most importantly live to my full potential for my sister because that’s the least I can do for her. I told her to start something because the internet is a great tool, and I’m sure that people would like to hear her opinion about things since she’s so damn vocal about them. I’m telling her to brainstorm and that she can use my equipment when she’s ready to make something. It’s going to come up soon hopefully. I’ll try to be more supportive.
Little Dragon was spectacular. I had fourty bucks to start off since I got my coins exchanged at work for cash. I put twenty in the tank, and I actually broke the twenty to get a bite to eat because I was starving from working earlier. I drove all the way up the observatory and found out that parking was twenty dollars and there were no negotiations or debit swipes. So what else would Freddy do? Park down the hill in a residential area and walk my ass up. I finally made it, and I have to say, it was the workout of my life. That hill leading to the Greek Theatre was so fucking steep. The funny part was that leg day was the day before so I was really feeling it. I ended up finally getting my ticket and I downed the shrooms that I bought for the show and guzzled down my brisk because I couldn’t bring it in. I finally made it, I made it front row, and there was another band playing, Hiatus Kaiyote. They had great energy and they were a neo-soul band so I was definitely digging it. This was one of my first concert experiences of this magnitude. It was magnificent to see such energies manifesting. Finally, it was time for Little Dragon to come up, and the scary part of the shrooms trip began pre-show setup. Schizophrenia is definitely a really scary thing and I can see how that’s an adverse effect of using these things in the wrong environment. I’ve been doing my research and it’s not a problem as long as you don’t do them so recurrently. The fact that I was willing to do them in a concert environment was kind of naïve of me, but it was definitely worth it. I just told myself to breath and I was focusing on lights because that’s really all I could do. I really wanted to sit down as well, but I didn’t want to lose my front row spot that I worked to get during the set before. Finally, the backdrop for Little Dragon came on and it was really psychedelic looking. The face was white and it would start to drip progressively during the show and it also had a checkered pattered on the right side. Yukimi came out, and it was a dream turned reality. I finally heard her voice live, and it was just so strange to have listened to these guys on my ipod for so many years, then finally learning that they’re a million times better live. I have a personal problem with dancing, it was mainly due to being overweight but now that I’ve been working on it I do feel a level of confidence. Man did I dance the whole night away, it was so strange, and the rhythm possessed my body because I didn’t stop until the end of the show. It was a blast! I felt in sync with the band, and the light show that they provided was excellent because it was in tandem with the music. I was still really high from the shrooms when they ended so I went down the never-ending hill and listened to my music. Never has the music playing on my ipod never been so good. Everything felt like a movie as I was going down the hill with the credits rolling, but the movie was far from over. I realized that every time I take shrooms, love becomes very apparent. I want to express love to the people I care about. I kept thinking about my family and then my love interest. I actually called my mom and it was great because we just talked and I expressed how much I cared for her. Maybe it’s bad that I only do these things under the influence of drugs but I know I was using them to get to this point. As I was walking down the hill these girls that were next to me being my backup singers walked next to me. They were from the UK and it was great talking to them. The boyfriend seemed a bit fed up about something but I think it was just because I was shining too hard from the shrooms. I finally got to the car and I called the one person I wanted to talk to. She has turned into what I told her to become apparently, which is a cheeky little munster who entertains me by keeping me on my toes, and making sure that I do the things I say I will do. It becomes pretty taxing sometimes but overall I appreciate the company of someone who seems to care about me. We actually spoke of the night and I realized it wasn’t actually exactly how I remembered. I said very vulgar things to her, and that’s not something she needs to hear. I vaguely remember saying that she makes me express passion and I think that’s where the train set off. I finally said I loved her though, which won’t get me anywhere at this point. But she helped me sober up before I went on my hour-long drive home. As I started to drive I realized that I wasn’t good yet, so I stopped at the gas station and I met this really good individual, Ricky. Right when I walked in, he was talking to this girl and they were both feeling each other and I could tell. We spoke about his business, why the ladies be bullshitting, and that we should hang out. We exchanged numbers and I actually want to network with this guy, it’s just hard because he’s in the booming city of LA. I actually got lost after I left because I went to Walgreens to buy my mom flowers and the GPS didn’t function correctly after that for some reason. I got back on track and finally got home safely though! Overall it was an incredible experience and I would love to go see them live in their native country, Sweden, sometime in the future.
I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to articulate anything. It’s actually due to my editor being in his own problems so he can’t really push me or actually edit them. But proofreading and actually editing for myself is good to do since I skipped that step when I sent them to him. My new mentor, Garrett, is a really genuine individual. I have to thank him for being there for me when I have concerns and being able to counsel with him. It’s crazy seeing how much time has passed since I’ve met him, and how bad of a player I used to be. He is on my list of people I will meet thanks to the internet, and it’ll be a great to be able to see Green Ol’ Oregon as a bonus.
Lots of personal problems happened this month. I was attempting to convince my mother to get a loan so I could start some type of investment towards my financial future. She was so worried about everything, and that’s one thing that irritates me about my mother. She is incredibly indecisive about everything and can’t make decisions without second guessing herself or getting someone’s input. I understand it’s hard and you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but decisions have to be made especially if no one decides. She came at me really raw, which is good, and I told her I appreciate her concern but she needs to shift the focus to my sister. She said, you act like you know everything, school isn’t even on your list, you’re still doing drugs, you’re not sleeping like you should, and you’re not getting anywhere in life—you’re almost twenty-one! You can’t wait for someone to give you a job, you have to go out and get it. It’s true, I have been waiting on Sam because I assumed it would be a sure thing. But what it looks like is that maybe it’s actually not going to go through until later months unfortunately. I’m going to start applying places and hopefully I can get something. It’s just really hard in this city. I don’t want to leave it but if things don’t start changing I might try somewhere else. I feel stuck, I kept telling myself things will work out and just be patient, but I am getting incredibly impatient. I’ve been working on everything from within except actually getting a good job. I honestly don’t mind giving myself up for full time, but it’s only shitty jobs with shitty pay. I am clean so there isn’t really a barrier now. I’ve been working on everything I could work on and I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a rut because it would’ve happened now but I just want to vocalize this defeat. It sucks being so powerless when trying to convey a powerful front. I said I would leave my job by the end of the month and then I realized it wasn’t because I was planning anything. I just did what Freddy always does and have a general guideline then I normally stray from it, then fumble, then finally realize that I was being a fool from the beginning. June will be different, I will die trying. Thirty days to make it happen. There has been a lack of burning desire, and I think it’s because I’m in such a safe environment and I can get away with not actually doing anything. I’m not really contributing at all to this home because my hours were ass last month.
I don’t want to keep writing because these are getting too long. I’ll do my best to do the bi-weekly entries, I just have to make sure I write something.
So find a new job by the end of June.
Find something to invest the money
No 0-2 at UGC
Don’t falter from working out
Make long-term goals and write them out
Communicate things better
Schedule the singing lessons
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)