Tuesdaze

Tuesdays have become too strange. I can't explain it too well, but it's equivalent to "Mondaze." I never thought anything of it until I realized it legitimately happens every Tuesday. I try my best to be happy all the time regardless of my personal ups and downs. So putting that into consideration, it might be my day to recuperate my energy. I’ve fortunately had my day off switched to Tuesday. It's great because it opens up opportunities to go to UGC again. I'm also going to start hiking to get away from the world for a moment of serenity—maybe that'll help me out.

I haven't been feeling like writing, but I know I gotta get these thoughts to a page before they're gone. I haven't run this week unfortunately. Fuck the wage slave life.

A friend of mine asked me what I would do if money wasn't an issue. I legitimately sat there for five minutes and couldn't come up with an answer. How sad that I've had my mentality tainted by this world. My dream is to make money not an obstacle then turn it into an asset to help people. I want to become a philanthropist and actually do something about the world and its conditions. I've always been shot down by people who say that's dumb, one person can't change the world, go get a real job, or to stop dreaming. It's incredibly daunting, but I know I'll preserver. After giving it so much thought, I think I would become a dog trainer or something else involving animals. I used to want to be veterinarian, but then I realized you’re essentially a doctor, and fuck school.

Speaking of school, I'm returning in the fall, and it’s going to be nice. I'll have a different outlook on it. I even heard my community college will offer four-year degrees before I graduate, so I think I might actually start my empire in Lancaster and do something about this shithole. It's changing so rapidly, and I'm afraid I'll be too late.

I bought herb yesterday. I guess you could say I caved because I've been feeling low this week. I had a good conversation that made me rethink me even starting. Once again, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not as strong as I believe myself to be. I know I could've gone without it, but I craved it and felt like congratulations for the career opportunity were in order. I only took two hits from my pipe, and my god, it's going to be such a bittersweet goodbye when it's finally time to let Mary go. I said I'll stop in May again to be ready for any openings at the new job, since I was told such a vague time for when it would be—June-August, so I’ll do my best not to fuck up such a good opportunity. Addiction is such a strange concept. You get such a pleasure from a certain thing, and the gratification you get from giving in is unforgettable. But in the end, beating it is for the better.

I saw Jackie today, a girl that has been popping into the store from time to time. She's nice and seems interested. I messed up a good amount of opportunities, like seeing her outside of the store randomly. I kept telling myself I would say or do something if I saw her because you never know if people come around again. I wasn't ready for the visit today, but I found out her brother is the pretty chill guy who always bumps Tupac whenever he's in the store so I got mad love for him. Just saw him today; his name is Joey. I think going on a date will begood for me—I'm not getting any younger that's for sure. I feel guilty because I already have an emotional connection with someone, but I think as scummy as it is to say, I'm attempting to get lucky and have a nice fling while I can. Lord knows I haven't gotten physical in a cool minute.

I see every day as a new opportunity, and I believe that's what people need to get into the habit of doing. Nothing will ever, I repeat, ever land on your lap. You have to try with your whole body and soul. We have such a limited time on this earth and it's not even an option, it's a responsibility. If you haven't reached out to someone in need, please do. Help those suffering with a smile, a kind gesture, anything to help them through the day. I'm doing thatholding back tears thing. I have too much in my heart for me to handle. It feels as if past generations want to rip through my chest to be free and correct their sins through me. It has to happen. I'm going to die early working as hard as I am to get there, and hopefully I'll make my idol proud. Writing these letters down and having the ability to convey my thoughts, my emotion and soul--it's truly a gift that needs to be broadcasted.

Kendrick Lamar has left me speechless, and that's the main reason I've gotten so emotional. The album has actually blown my expectations away. Every track was laced with such personality and heart. I knew the young visionary would emerge. This is what the kids need. We need someone to trigger the revolutionaries in our hearts. Pac is gone and that was the only artist that truly cared and tried to reach out to make a difference. Every track is astounding, and I can't quite pick a favorite yet. Mortal man, the last track in the album had me break into tears of joy. He made a mock interview with Pac after the actual song. It was beautifully done, and he said something that really resonated with me. He had my mentality, he saw the opportunities, and he took the shitty, degrading jobs because he wanted to build himself up to go for his dreams. "I've made millions for so many people working those jobs. Now it's time to make us some money." Everyone, please get this album and support the movement.

I've never been attracted to someone well-off, friendships or relationships. It might be because they don't think they have anything to work on, so it bothers me. Or it could just be cloaked envy. It's probably the reason I’m so attracted to broken people. So many people have untapped potential because sometimes they don't have the one person they need to believe in them. I want to repair this world from the ground up. It does start with one person—every idea starts with one person. It's like planting a seed; if you plant enough, eventually you'll spring a farm, and you'll have to get more land to plant again. I suppose the God complex isn't the most appealing trait of mine, but it's so difficult to silence it when I meet people who need a little saving. The only problem I've ran into is when they don't see who they want to become in the mirror. You have to visualize things. Fake it 'till you make it used to be my motto, and ironically enough a TED talk (http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en) changed my viewpoint. The speaker went further with it, fake it until you become it, because eventually you will become it with the hard work put in.

I got my hands on the car to go to work, so I decided to see Asia, and Josh ended up showing after. It was such a selfish thing to do to my loved ones, but man have I evolved. I’m calling it my hyperbolic time chamber hiatus. I've come back stronger and better than ever, and it's only getting better as time goes by. The great thing is that all my friends have undergone their own life improvements. It's the age finally catching up to us. We have to adapt and make things happen. I'm ready, though. I'm ready to have friends again, to have my other family and be there for them. Isaiah has gotten so big. He's already eighteen months old. He didn't remember me, which is understandable because their memory isn't the strongest to begin with, let alone when you haven't seen someone in six months. I want to be there for my black family. They’re going to be the ones I help the most next to my own and we will capitalize on many opportunities.

I've been thinking about you lately. I wonder if you ever think about me anymore. My blood boils when people call me your name. "It's a sexier name than Freddy." Fuck you. This is my identity. You haven't impacted my life at all, and I've grown to be a fine young man. I guess I gotta thank you for giving me the lady killer genes, although I won't be a home-wrecker. It's weird that you inherit so much—I fantasize of ruining marriages just so the woman can have a good time for a night. I think I'm gonna ask my mom why she did it. What was it—just list filled, maybe even out of spite? I love the irony of being a blessing disguised as an accident. I'm probably the greatest mistake my mom has ever made. What a funny dynamic. I feel like when I blow up I’mgonna get a visit from you, and I don't know if I'll spit on you or just throw money at your face and say I want nothing to do with you. It's unfortunate; I've always wanted to see my sister, but I guess blood doesn't really mean much. Just thinking of people looking like me makes me laugh. A bunch of ugly mother fuckers. Haha! I just want to know my ancestry, but it is great that I get to write on a blank canvas. My story. I'm going to start a proud lineage with my Queen one day.

End of week~

If I wrote down every interaction that happened to me, my story would sound so far-fetched because it works out so perfectly in the end like a fairytale. But it's quite the opposite—coincidence isn't even the word best to describe it. I know I love my clichés, but destiny takes the cheesecake So I try not to use it too much. The people, places, and events that I go through seem perfectly placed for me to learn and grow from these opportunities and experiences. This mouth will get my where I want to get because I know how to carry myself and can convey to people that I care, thus leading them to further interacting and proposing opportunities.

You all know I don't like my job, so I don't really like sticking around when I don't have to. After getting off work the other night, I started walking without a jacket like a dummy, because I rushed out forgetting it was cold as shit. I passed by a dealership I see every day, and I happened to stumble upon this great-looking white Pontiac Grand Prix '06. So I went inside to speak to them. A salesman named Coco talked with me—a really cool guy. He took an interest in me; the middle easterners always do because I look like I'm part of the Armenian mafia, with my hair slicked back. Coco told me it was $3900. I'm really thinking about picking it up as the whip before the come upso I have transportation. I passed by it today, but it wasn't there so I gotta make sure my opportunity didn't pass.

Good news has arrived as well! One of my parents' friends from our old Church stopped by. Sam works in the human resources department at a company I make deliveries to, andhe can pretty much guarantee employment there starting in the summer. Ya boi ain't going to be working for minimum wage anymore. I'll be making at the very least 55k a year, and it's under a Union so yay for benefits! The only unfortunate part is that it's actually ademanding job, both mentally and physically. It's a factory job loading pallets that get delivered to places all over the country. This could also be my opportunity to begin my dream; corporate America, here I come! I'm not going to have as much time to stream, but we'll see how it goes when the time comes.

I got really hammered on Sp00ky Saturday. No one really knows this, but I ended up barfing after the broadcast. It got all over my desk and keyboard! It was such a blast though, but I'm not goingto be drinking anymore.I can provide good content without the use of external help. I’ll be receiving my capture card sometime this week or next. So this opens the doors to so many new opportunities. New people to meet, new games—there aren't many obstacles left besides time and buying new consoles, obviously.

This is my year and there are no more excuses, the time is now!

February recap

This month has been full of events and lessons. I've quit a couple of things, but I feel as if my mission is getting clearer because I can focus better. 

I'll look at the calendar to summarize.

It's funny. I said a couple of entries ago that I was going to use this as a guide or reminder to keep me on a trail. But holy shit am I a fickle bitch. I try every day to improve on sticking with things and not waning so much. After I finished reading the last entry, I had a good chuckle to myself. I won't be pursuing the insurance license after all. I spent too much time fucking around, and now it will cost me twenty bucks every month to renew it (it's been renewed twice already). I know that's not a lot, but my dedication and commitment being non-existent makes it a silly endeavor at this point. I still have the discount code, so I think I can always come back to it a couple of years later, starting over for forty bucks while having the six-month period of not renewing.

So that's the first thing I didn't accomplish this month after saying I was going to start selling insurance in March. The second is the bass: I haven't been picking it up, and I think that's due to the time constraints of my schedule. I know that's a horrible excuse, but I can pick it up whenever I want and just continue. I'm not gonna say I'll do it, because then I'll just be lying to myself. That’s the going to be the goal of March: DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO OTHERWISE DON'T OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. I’ve improved so much in that area already, but I know I can be better—sometimes I just say things to say them, and there ends up being absolutely zero action backing it.

With my calendar, I write quantity over quality on the goals I want to accomplish. That's another reaction from my problem. I'm going to do my month of March calendar, and I won't just write what I hope to accomplish. I’ll write what I know I’ll accomplish. One goal is running. I ran one time this month; that’s so bad! I feel so guilty that my baby (dog) has been let down because I’ve been having a rough time with work, on the physical side, and it’s been my workout supplement. That said, I’ll walk her regardless of how I feel. I know it's not as fulfilling as running, but at least she'll expend her energy.

I didn't do Choco Taco Chronicles. I'm not ready to rekindle the relationship with Alfonso. I think I'll compromise my break from smoking prematurely. I feel so empowered not smoking; I'm not sure how long this is going to last, but I want to make a substantial step forward regarding my employment position. Ironic enough, he just got promoted to a manager position in the job he's working at with his father, and he says he needs to hire someone. So this will be the seed that, if watered and nurtured correctly, could become my tree of wealth and ticket out of my peasantry. I've made two important women in my life proud without smoking, but I believe it's okay to smoke—just not too often, I suppose. 

I did a twelve-hour stream, and it was pretty cool. I got the day off during the week because of an incident at work regarding the inspector, causing the store to close down for two days. The spontaneous things that happen in my life just work out so well. It's strange. I played Street Fighter for a loooong time. My friend Chris came over and we money-matched for twenty bucks. I felt confident in my play and knew I was going to take it. It’s not so often that I have much confidence in my play since it blows up in my face usually. Cheers so improving!

I got Dragon Ball Z Xenoverse and I have to say, this game is pretty fucking cool. I’m definitely going to be streaming it quite often. To my surprise the stream has integrated into my life so flawlessly, and I love it. I always hated that saying of you won't work a day in your life if you love your job, but I have to say, it’s definitely true. Gaming is the only thing I've ever loved that brings me happiness; I get to share so many experiences and laughs with people of endless backgrounds. 

I'm particularly happy as of late, and I'm going to do my best to go higher ;)

I ended up staying up after the twelve-hour stream which ended at around five in the morning. I decided to do something about the situation with my driving record. After staying on hold for thirty minutes, I got a guy who wasn't completely useless and gave me all the information I needed. I went to the courthouse after the phone call, and a clerk there said it was going through that day. So I flew to the DMV to get a copy of my record, and even the clerk there said it was clear. 

Here came the happiness and relief. 

I went to AAA and talked to an insurance agent. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing, because he just went over the layout that I got with another agent. In the end, he said it wasn't cleared, because the paper didn't say "dismissed". This was my third attempt, so I wasn’t taking it that well. 

Being okay with shit not working out, I went home and tried to call the agency again. After another thirty minutes on hold, I got this wonderful lady who had the most magnificent stick up her ass. She said my record was clear, and I asked, “Are you shooore, because I just got rejected.” 

“You’re cleared,” she said in an aggravated voice, and then the bitch hung up! Now, I'm not an ill-tempered young man, thankfully, but holy shit did I want to blow a fucking hole into the wall with my fist. I haven’t been that enraged in a long time. The audacity of some people when it's their goddamn job to do these things. Quit your fucking job and find another one if you don't like it, don’t piss in someone’s Kool-Aid over it.

I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen since high school, and I think I'm going to accomplish some things with him. It was so refreshing having a good time with an old friend, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and went in because it was cheap-o Tuesday (fifty-cent wings and sides were around four to five bucks each). While there I actually shared my dream—it was so nice to speak so well about it. I don't have the most concrete road to get there yet, but I know laying the foundation in my mind will be the best thing to do right now. It's such a long term goal that I can afford to take my time to plan things out. I love my situation in life right now because they aren't always going to work out, but I gotta go with it and keep my blinders on and look to the near future.

Recap: don't make so many goals, appreciate the progress, drop to 150lb by the end of March, start lifting in April [gotta get that calendar body ready ;)] 

I want to set a big goal: I’ll get to 300 followers on Twitch by the end of March. I have such a magnificent family starting already, and once I get this bot figured out, it will only propel me further. 

Thank you all for the support, whoever reads this. Ya’ll mean the world to me, and I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am without any of you. Shout-out to the little lady who motivated me to keep going; you've done so much already, and you keep impressing me with your dedication.

PS: NEW UPDATES EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT/MONDAY MORNING XOXO

Supposed to be the end of January post but w/e~

(Listening to this during the editing process, REALLY good&nbsphttps://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1-pzlnGuk9M)


I'm already behind schedule and it's only the third month, woe is me, but I digress. Since the last entry peculiar events had unfolded. My high times wrought my computer as I spilled water on my desk, being out of my state of mind to not be a complete idiot, I assumed it would be fine instead of turning off my computer and taking the safe and not sorry route. But alas, I wiped it up and kept going, come to find out fifteen minutes later that my PC shut down, water had seeped into my case and killed my graphics card (rip 760). And the cherry on top was the fact that my backup was all the way back at September 2014... GG. The 960 series is definitely an upgrade though, so I guess it's a good investment since I needed to jump back into it. This set me back not just financially but mentally, it made me access myself once again, I went into grind mode and busted out my insurance training half-way complete and I actually learned a couple of songs. I've realized that my long term goal of streaming into the wee hours of the morning are not going to let me progress in other areas so I need to find a happy medium. This will get me somewhere and I know it, so I will continue chasing the pipe-dream.

Another great part was only interacting with one person for the three weeks. Kinda like isolation together? It was neat, it put a lot of things into perspective, such as people needing you just as much as you need them. Also the fact that spending so much time with someone brings unwarranted feelings. I don't wanna say like or something so juvenile but it's genuinely liking a person and enjoying their presence. I adore stepping into peoples lives because it lets me feel what they feel, I can actually say I try to make the extra effort but that's something I haven't really been doing for the people I care about lately. I suppose I'm in the selfish phase of my adolescence but I think it's probably the best at the moment since I'm thinking long term and the actions done now will pave the way for it.

One thing that is very rare and such an amazing experience is watering the fruits of interaction. Mutual friendships where it's a give and take are so incredibly rare, I have met so many fascinating people because of the Internet but it's only the Internet and that's the melancholy part. I wish it didn't cost so much to see people in other states or countries. I'll get there though, that's a fact.

Anyway, enough about friendship, here in the month of February already. Let's see, I started a YouTube series FINALLY and I think it's going to be the start of great things to come. I believe i'm gonna start other series and try to catch subscribers with daily videos. All it takes is one hour of game-play, chop it up in editing, and bingo, you've got something someone will watch for 30 minutes. It's funny how whenever people said: anyone can do something, it'll just take some time and dedication, I never completely understood. I think I was a very dumb child and teenager. I felt as though I knew everything and then the ages of seventeen through now have been a humbling experience so that I know what I have to do and become for the world. I could be so far ahead of myself right now if I actually stuck to something all these years, like picking up an instrument during my teens. But all we can do now is share the many things we've learned on this ride to children so they don't waste the time they're blessed with.

The plans for February continue! I said I was going to start go to UGC [UGC is bascially the new WNF (these are tournaments, sorry lol) and it's also closer by a margin] starting the 17th but I just found out my speeding ticket hasn't been cleared yet so this fucking insurance company wants me to pay 1,100 for six months versus a much cheaper 800-something.I wrote this at break but I've revised and added but anyway, I actually went today after work and got it sorted out. I'm going to go tomorrow in the morning to talk to them about it. My mom is having surgery on her eyes this coming Monday and I am going to have to keep this house in order and it's going to be damn difficult. It's unfortunate that I'm the only self-aware person who does anything about situations. The next plan was when I went down to UGC I would pick up at the clinic down there because it's soooo cheap. I mean why wouldn't someone slang this beautiful herb to bring in some extra cash because it's so easy to sell. Supply and demand 101 baby.

I am starting to become fed up with this job again, I feel like I'm going to snap and it's not gonna be a pretty sight. Why is it so hard not to bark orders or having to micromanage because no one you deal with is competent. I mean I make thousands of dollars for you every week and I still sit here with nowhere. No progress. No future. I know I'm being complacent because I feel obligated to stay a bit longer but I suppose today is he reminder that it needs to happen now. 2015 is my year, no more bullshit, no more living the life of a slave. I have the soul of a free man, and I will break free of these metaphorical shackles this money-orientated world has placed since birth. I will do it for my family and everyone dear to me. The Age of Philanthropy will be perpetual. Now my lunch is over and the costumer service facade begins again! 

January 12, 2015

(this is what I was listening to while I wrote : http://megaranmusic.com/album/mega-ran-9 )


Fuck I am emotional, like I don't think it's normal for a man to have this much estrogen in his body and still function properly. On that note, every single day goes faster and faster. Time is no longer a luxury; it is a very scarce resource. You have to manage it well as the years go on or else it'll just pass you by. No goals, no purpose, to no drive, let it go (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqYpJb9jmZY)

This month has been so strange, new years ended up turning into a shit show staring me as a drunken mess, fueled by my moderators sadistic generousity. BUT I am glad it happened, the universe humbles me everytime, like clockwork. I will use that night as the last night alcohol beats me, I know I can hold my shit but goddamn when alcohol wants to come up, it is hard to keep down. Hennessy is great btw, Daniel came through and I ended up drinking it all like the scumbag that I am!

I read through the last entry and I'm laughing at myself. I literally have a problem lying to MYSELF. Alfonso's birthday yielded a night with my ex as our first night as friends to the public. From what I've heard, we essentially acted the same exact way unfortunately. I got her to smoke again though, so that was pretty satisfying. I want to have the only contact with each other to be working out but this fucking woman dodges every possible chance. I know I said I would continue to attempt but people gotta help themselves I swear.

I suppose that just goes to show that I always care too much about people or situations. I truely believe you can always help everyone, not just some messiah-complex, a real, pragmatic way of approaching people and their problems. I want to heal this world and the only possible way is to reach the creatures inhabiting it first.

Elaborating upon the perpetual lying to myself, I set goals or achievements knowing they will fall through due to the lack of attention. I want to get one thing straight for myself. BASS&SINGING, FITNESS, INSURANCE, STREET FIGHTER, STREAM, CAR. This blog will bring so many benefits because I will just use it as a reference guide whenever I feel weak.

Marijuana has not been mentioned until now. I never thought I had a problem at all until my mother started her usual harping. I noticed yesterday that I do have a more than habitual yearning for it. Specifically told myself that i won't get bud until this Friday (paycheck) so that I don't turn into a dummy stoner who can't handle his funds correctly. Me knowing that was the best course of action was okay with it. Then all of a sudden I finished off the last of the bowl and I had such an urge to get some. I went behind my word but I have to say, this Sour OG is great. I'm elevated as I'm writing this, so I might have a different way of using my diction, here's to see if there is a difference.

I will get this insurance career started by March for sure. After this comes through, life will financially be much better.

A king is nothing without his people-

December 26, 2014

Well this is... Part two?I'm not entirely sure what I'm going for when I write these but I believe it's going to be the start of my narrative involving the adventures of my adolescence.

It seems like this month started just a few days ago, but it's almost the new year. I don't personally believe in doing New Years resolutions because I try to get monthly goals done and I have been at it for some time now. But I suppose I can jot down yearly ones since I am going to record these now. To begin I want to start building my riches. My other bank account is looking scarce so I plan on changing that. I think a good amount to have as a goal for a year is 5k, unless I'm feeling extra greedy, I'll say 10k. I think it's very possible with persistence and patience, I just did the math, to reach 5k I would have to deposit 400 dollars every month. That sounds impossible at the moment but I plan on buckling down and grinding out that insurance license. Wish me luck~

I've already lost a lot of weight so I'm just trying to get my body fat percentage down at this point, which is where an actual diet is needed unfortunately. RIP OVER INDULGENCE. Another goal is to start paving the way for my future, I said I was gonna stick to politics so I can attempt at my pipe dream of changing this world but I've come to a realization, I can't do shit at the moment. I mean it's good but I am only 20 years old so legitimately I won't be able to hold any type of position politically standing. My mentor wants me to take my city by storm and run for mayor in five years but that makes me incredibly uneasy because the amount of time and energy you must exert is ridiculous.

I'm not sure what length I want these typically to be as I want to do my best to not ramble but get the quirky nuances as well. I believe family time is over for the most part, it's been a blast being so generous to my family, I've finally realized why my step father balls out with the kids. The joy that comes forth when you take kids out on an adventure is unforgettable. And with that comes the realization that the world is so damn currency-centric. Speaking of currency, the funeral was incredibly fulfilling, perfect small group of family and close family friends and after the reception was held at my godmothers home. I have to say though, carrying the casket was an incredibly unforgettable experience. That is the greatest honor in my opinion, it was also incredibly heavy. One experience also was that I smoked with two of my god sisters and it showed me once again that marijuana brings people of different ages, backgrounds, and races together. I pledge to hang out with them more often when I get my car. I guess that's another goal. I also have to mention that the amount of tamales I've consumed in this year alone is probably more than I ever have any past year, I hope my body will find a place in its non existent heart to forgive me for all that lard.

I'll try to wrap this up, I think I'll do two a month so the beginning sets the foundation and the second one will fill out the hollow bones. I came to terms with my ex, I decided I'm not going to be an asshole and drop her because if I've leaned anything from being left and forgotten so often is that it's harder to stick around than erase someone from your immediate thoughts. I will be there for her as a friend and confidant. Speaking of which the amount of game I've been spitting to random ladies is ridiculous. I'm insanely proud of how far my confidence has come, I'm developing into a handsome young cougar slayer (I believe I'm going to attempt at getting a sugar momma, I'm not entirely sure though, it will be a challenge). I've found comfort in holding a dapper exterior, it compliments how feminine I am while not compromising my masculinity.

This New Years I've got a bottle of tequila and I am going to stream an unforgettable experience on twitch. I've already contacted my regulars and am preparing the regime. I've been thinking of doing five dollar donations equalling one shot but I'm concerned about how often someone is going to donate and I'll end up with alcohol poisoning or barfing on stream. But alas, no one knows what the future holds. Everyone is beautiful, it just takes a little for people to shine under the right circumstances.

December 08, 2014

It has been approximately one month since my twentieth birthday, and I have to say I have a very genuine charm to my life. As it stands currently I am holding a job for an older couple who owns a shop, I am basically their only worker at this point so I am held to a certain standard of availability. I am currently studying for my insurance license to attempt to better my financial standing and four months have passed. My attempt to save money has been futile due to poor decisions and less than fortunate situations arising. I plan to purchase a car soon, here's to hoping for low APR, but if not, I am prepared to be a slave to the socioeconomic machine.

My first major girlfriend, has been an ex for quite a few years now, but we enjoy each other's company in more than one way. She has finally got a new boyfriend and I am ecstatic for her, I just don't like how the situation was handled. I have currently quit real life interaction and have began my online life. With that has come some very interesting people and situations. Life as an up-and coming streamer has been spectacular. I believe it's the only thing I really take joy in doing. I've made 70 bucks in donations so far and I am thrilled to see progress already. I'm currently at 46 followers and they are all very enjoyable individuals. I plan on doubling or tripling it every month.

The most major thing has unfolded tonight though. My father has began the process of passing away tonight and will probably die before six am. After almost 8 years of being at this shitty rehabilitation center, I am overflown with emotion due to the fact that I can finally close this chapter of my life and begin a new one, one where family is my focus. But then there is the dreaded sadness that has followed me for years. Constantly reminding me that I am a piece of shit human being, I am working to better my situations everyday that I live life but I don't think I'm strong enough to do that currently. I have a "drug problem" involving marijuana, it saddens me that my mother is hurt by it, but it has been getting me through the hard days of work and exercise. I plan on doing them throughout the rest of my life with periodic breaks. It does ruin your short term memory and that is one thing that is a fact. I also just made major decision because I am a "man" in a Hispanic culture, guess I gotta get used to it. I will change this world and I will learn to sing beautifully in honor of my father.



Life is good.