God Complex

I want to start this off with me stating that this is going to turn into an unfiltered documentation. It was normally written in the sense of accomplishment and concerns. But I feel like I just need to spill it all on the canvas to see its true beauty---

Self-expression is such a puzzling concept. It allows you to truly discover who you are, or what you like. The only problem is that society seems to not like the nitty gritty. The negative, the hard work that needs to happen to get to the beautiful. People wait for their debut into the limelight when they feel ready because first impressions are everything. No one wants to see a bum make it to stardom. In reality they do, but the problem is that they're not invested in that bum to see the journey through. I guess I'm that bum and the few people involved in my life are watching it unfold. The very first thing I read was the richest man in Babylon, and man did the stories in that passage speak to me. The actual message that the author wanted to convey was that if you put away ten percent of what you earn for ten years-- you will have accumulated one years’ worth of salary. It's so simple but no one does it. You have to make your money work for you or else you'll just be a slave. My vision seems so clear now. I've finally learned patience... And man am I ready to earn my riches.

A lot happened and I'm going to do my best to get it in chronological order:

Paige, one of my oldest friends came home to visit. The thing about Paige is that she was madly in love with me and I wasn’t really comfortable with that. I enjoyed her company but I never really felt the same way so I did the only thing that a teenage boy knows to do, push them away. At the end of the day we agree that there was a butterfly effect with me not getting with her because she just ended up gravitating towards men who treated her badly. I was the only person who treated her well and she absolutely adored it. I wasn’t aware of the games that people play because I was raised so naive. I wasn’t street smart until later because of the sheltered upbringing. I chilled with a bunch of kids on the block and I didn’t know half of the shit they were saying. But that’s how I learned slowly. Anyway, I’ve always felt guilty about it so that’s where I am emotionally. I feel as if I don’t complete these tasks with people, then it’s my fault if it all fails since I didn’t put all my effort into it. It was nice-- we went to eat, and we stopped by her old house. We hung out basically every single day with my other best friend, Nieves. We just enjoyed each other’s company and did whatever we could to occupy our time when you’re in school. We ended up smoking a couple of cigarettes in front of her old house reminiscing the good times. The adult charade is pretty tough, and it was so nice catching up with an old friend. After those cigarettes I told her that that was her last one. No more smoking from her so she better enjoy them. We started walking around the block, like we used to when we walked home from middle school. At that moment I realized that my life is just work after work. I wake up, work, come home from work, I go to the gym (work), then I come home from gym and stream (work). I mean I can’t really complain about it because it’s my decision, but fuck was it nice to just bullshit and enjoy myself in that moment. I need to really take advantage of my days off if I want to make sure not to burn out. Paige ended up having a baby and moving to Kansas and she’s absolutely bored and lonely. I actually shared her my stream so she could stop by and bullshit if she doesn’t have anything to do. Twitch is nice in the sense of having a community and not being so alone. She’s going to be moving back next year so that’s something to be excited for.

UGC has become a ritual! Every Tuesday, and now it’s even Thursdays! I have integrated myself into the smaller community and I have gotten so much better at street fighter thanks to the talented people there. I’ve developed so many friendships and rivalries already. I’ve even become a senpai to this Dudley player. I will become the best Dudley in Southern California. I will try my best to perfect my technique and make my overhead the most feared in the land. I get the opportunity to play so many good players and I’ve been learning my matchups. My only problem at the moment if the fact that I don’t finish my plate in winners. I want to stop going 0-2 because I know I’m better than that. I finally ordered new parts for my stick so there is no more excuses. It’s time to go in one-hundred percent because there won’t be some malfunction holding me back.

Yvette had a party that was celebrating about five of her friend’s birthdays. Here I thought it was just going to be a kickback. Holy shit was I wrong. I went with my friend Karen to carpool since we were both going. When I show up, she ends up having my friend Tyler there from high school. Tyler went to the marines and I never really knew much about his journey besides Instagram. It is refreshing to share such experiences and learn a bit more about the countries he's been stationed at. What I learned from Tyler is that life is really a bitch, and then you die. I used to consider that my motto but damn, seeing it be so apparent kind of made me sad. Tyler and Karen actually make a really good couple. Anyway, we make it to the party and there are so many fucking people there. At least seventy people spread out through the small house and backyard. First things first: gotta play catch up. My boy Danny G was there so we took some shots. The most profound moment of the night was when I was greeted by a viewer from my stream. It felt so surreal developing a relationship with someone as a viewer to seeing them in the flesh. It's happened one other time, but I didn't really know him too well. Vapor was my party buddy for the rest of the night. I ended up eating these shrooms that Dan got me because I asked him to. Before anything else, they weren't that good. They were all stems and no caps. From my experience, when you ingest a small amount or no caps, you just get the emotional part of the shrooms trip. So I was drunk and felt very clairvoyant. I ended up doing what I always do, being nosy and saving people. I wanted to go to the bathroom and I noticed that this group was struggling with their inebriated friend. So of course I took the liberty of testing my power to help people in those situations. This guy was drinking his mundane life away. It made me really sad that he couldn't express himself any other way. The whole night he was looking for this guy and I still don’t know who it was. I attempted to get to know him! I guess you could call it fake but I actually care a lot in these moments. I give people my complete attention and make sure that they are comfortable or else they won’t listen. I want to help them, so we share a common goal. I honestly can’t remember his name but he worked at Big Lots. He kept looking at the time and I asked him but he wouldn’t share with me. He ended up telling his friend that he had work at eight in the morning so I don’t understand why he was going so damn hard. I was man handling him and I felt so good because the gym really paid off this night. At the end of the day he went away but I just kept him really close to me and we walked around and I distracted him. I even convinced him to drink water by saying it was Absolute Vodka. I said “this shit tastes like water man, try it!” His friend seemed really grateful because he didn’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t show up. I blew him off and told him don’t worry about it the first time. I sat on the couch and was waiting for his ride to show up. The second time his friend told me, “seriously I really appreciate it.” I blew him off and pushed him away. I told him you’re never going to see me again anyway man so don’t worry about it. He grabbed my hand and told me, “no, thank you!” With so much gratitude. I ended up saying, “if you really want to prove that you’re grateful, then check me out of twitch.tv/pragmag!” LMAO!~

That was the first person. The second person was David. David was spewing insanities about this girl, and kept asking everyone if she was okay. I asked if this was his girlfriend or what relation he had because he seemed to care so much. David seemed as if he was on drugs, which is what really threw me off. He seemed like me on shrooms, “shining away” as Danny G would say. So I asked him if he was anything besides being drunk. He said “nah man I’m just really turnt.” He went for a hug and he did that thing where you express yourself through this one hug, and I realized that he hasn’t really had anyone really care about him in a while. David reminded me of myself a shit-ton. He is someone who shines which basically means they radiate their personality if they don’t keep it in check. It’s someone who is the center of attention especially due to the fact that he keeps it one hundred. He said I was really attractive and asked if he could kiss me on the cheek. And man did this guy give me a sloppy one on the cheek. We ended up talking about his “girl” and I come to find out that this girl meant the world to him and she didn’t really care about him. I decided that this wasn’t going to be about taking care of him. It was going to be about telling him things he needed to hear because it will make him put things into perspective. I told him, “fuck her man, there is no point in giving yourself to someone so much when they won’t give you a second of their time.” And holy shit did this guy blow up. He wanted to hurt me! He said “no, fuck YOU. You don’t EVER talk about her like that!” And I just grabbed him and kept him in his place because I wasn’t about to body this drunk ass guy. Lmao! But at the end of the night after it all he told me thank you and it was so heartfelt. I walked him to the car but he said I don’t want to go because he never see my friends anymore. I ended up doing it again. I said life’s a bitch and growing up is even harder, but just make sure you enjoy these very rare experiences of having so many friends together in one place. I also told him to do shrooms because I think it will really help him put things into perspective and understand himself and the world a bit better.

I ended up starting to clean after that because it seemed that everyone filtered out once the DJ ended. I guess I just like doing things for people? I mean I’ve realized that I don’t really care if I’m appreciated or not because I do it selfishly. I know how much work I put into things that I don’t really need validation from others. Fuck I’m a sad mother fucker. It helps me though, because it gives me purpose when I do things that people will never realize or appreciate. Even if it is selfish I also do it because it makes their days a little bit better. Even after all the positive vibes I still got my shit stolen. I got my lighter stolen and my portable speaker. I’ve realized my destiny and hopefully I get to the people I want to get to. Vapor and I grabbed things to make for breakfast in the morning. I think I slept like an hour. The sleeping schedule has become so mangled at this point. It’s nice to know we’re not useless Hispanic males like the rest of them.

My love for shrooms has grown unhealthy and I’ll admit it. But these damn this fungus gives me so much clarity. It’s unbelievable what I learn from the experiences given to me. And it’s a great substitute for not being able to smoke weed. Speaking of weed. Man have I been craving it like crazy. I’ve been hanging out with people who still smoke a lot and it is so hard to stick around. I feel like a fucking geek because I have to move away due to not wanting to get a second hand high. I really want to return to it. I want to continue being the free spirit that appreciates the littlest things. I’ve learned to not be so grouchy without it now because of the break, but I don’t think it will be such a big problem once I get this new job and I invest in a Whizzantor. I DEFINTELY won’t be doing it every night like I was before. But it would be nice to smoke after a hard workout or a hard day of work. Maybe even a hike enhanced by the herb. I grew so accustomed to having it, and now that I absolutely can’t have it, it really puts a number on me. Maybe it’s just a lesson for my self-discipline to strengthen

I was actually going to make this entry about the fourth of May. That is the anniversary of the beginning of my father’s decent to death. It all started when I was eleven and it seems so vivid. I was excited the day before Cinco De Mayo because I was going to bring in candy and I told everyone my mom was going to make tamales. Then all of a sudden things happened. My sister ended up coming from Arizona where she lives. It’s about a four hour trip since there isn’t much traffic. They were saying my dad went in to cardiac arrest after he went to a clinic because he wasn’t feeling well. I think the last time I saw him was a couple of years prior to this due to his vision suffering and making the hour trip to come see us wasn’t the best idea. I used to look forward to seeing him because he would give me money. Fuck I will never forget or forgive myself for being so fucking narrow-minded. I threw it all away because I waited until it was too late. I mean it wasn’t really my fault since I was young and I didn’t know any better, but if I could go back, I would do things so differently. That’s the main thing I learned from this whole ordeal. Don’t wait for things to come because you might not get the opportunities. What ended up happening was that they resuscitated him thirty minutes after he died so that obviously came along with brain damage. He was in a coma when we got down there to see him and when we got there, my sisters and I had to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him if he was to go into cardiac arrest again because it was the second time already. My older sister was making the decision since she was the oldest but my middle sibling has always been the most logical. We decided to resuscitate because we wanted to see our father obviously, but that was only the beginning. He ended up waking up a couple of days later and he would just look around with a vacant gaze. I’m still not entirely sure about everything that went down but this is just my interpretation. Every other day we would go down below to Whittier, which was a two hour drive to go see him. My mom felt guilty, she left him and there was nothing she could do to give back besides be there now. My sister hated it, and I hated it. I grew up in a fucking convalescent home because of someone’s guilty conscience. Then there was my sister, she hated my dad for reasons between him and her. So she was always headstrong about being difficult. Then my older sister, she just loved my dad and wanted to help however she could whenever she was out here since it was so difficult. So whenever she was out here we would travel to go see him. My dad was a strange case. He had brain functionality and he would even sing still and carry conversations for a bit, but they drugged him up constantly because he grew restless laying down every day of his remaining life. I would see a glimpse of my father whenever he wasn’t drugged up and it was so nice, then it would be torn away when it all kicked in and he would just scream obscenities. I wish I was older when this all went down. I believe we could’ve helped him walk again but I just sat there… I couldn’t get past the feeling of helplessness and the fact that I was displeased with being there instead of being home with my friends or doing anything else but be there at Shea. All of the staff saw me grow up. I had so much animosity towards them because they treated every patient there horridly. My dad would always have random bruises, lack of changing his diaper, or not showering him. It was fucking disgusting that people could treat another human being like trash just because they felt like it. I’m sure they wouldn’t have fed him either if it wasn’t for the feeding tube. There were compassionate nurses far in between there that I loved seeing when I got older because I got to thank them personally for actually giving a shit. I saw residents that I developed semi-acquaintances with passing throughout the years. They always smiled when they saw me because I was a different face and I would smile no matter how I felt. So many negative emotions came from that fucking place and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done. I used to get so excited when I received news that my father got sick because I thought he would pass and it would all be over. But all the close calls meant nothing until nine years later. His health definitely started declining the last couple of years so we were on watch. I think it was mainly the fact that he developed so much flem in his lunges from the bronchitis. He would always yell things about seeing God and the devil and he would start to break down. I wish I knew what the fuck he was talking about since he obviously saw the other side of whatever we see when we die. It’s just a sad reminder that I didn’t do everything I could for someone who had nothing but love for me. I wasn’t even his kid and he loved me the most out of all of my siblings since I was a boy. That’s the part that breaks my heart. The bastard found solace in someone else’s father. I have decided that I’m going to have one child and then adopt one of the same age so I can return the favor and love someone unconditionally who deserves it.

I don’t think you can really go anywhere past that but forward. Here I am now, living the life I think I should be living. It’s so hard to go and go, but where else will you go if you don’t progress? That’s really the main motivator, if I don’t do this then who will. I want to do a lot of things in my lifetime and it’s going to be a huge adventure. Maybe I just need to be honest with myself? (Lmao. Fuck you Moolkey) I’m going to start posting my month’s calendar from when I make it to the ending, which should have yielded more events and inserts. Calender ----->http://puu.sh/hwLWP/34aa1f9550.jpg <---- Calendar

Quick side notes. I’m going to see my favorite band, Little Dragon, on the sixteenth! I’m going to eat shrooms because I know it’ll be a hell of an experience. I waited to buy the ticket and now I get to sit in the pit in front of the stage so I’m so incredibly stoked!

I made a goal to get out of my current job by the end of this month and if things don’t end up working with Sygma I’m going to try to work for Coke now that Alfonso has told me about it. So either way, things will be changing.

Potential

The hardest part is starting, once you get started you don’t falter so easily. I guess that’s why no one does the things they have to do. It’s like a cloud hanging over, as if it’s a reminder haunting you. Constantly on your mind—I’m going to do it, I’m going to finish these things I said I would do. I don’t know what it means to have potential. I don’t know what it means to achieve great things. I know nothing, and I’m finally accepting this being part of adolescence. I suppose I just want to ramble right now. I always feel so emotional when I sit down to write these; could it be that I actually save how I feel to truly express myself in these? I don’t really care if anyone reads these but it’s so damn good for me. I attempt to articulate everything better and better every entry, and I can honestly say I do improve. I think that’s all I have, improvement, and that’s truly what keeps me going. I love seeing results. I love when things grow-- progressive change is the best change. Maybe it’s because abrupt change seems artificial. Everyone wants quick and easy results, but from what I’ve learned it’s from countless hours of work and dedication. Life is going to change so fast and I think I’m finally ready.

The most profound thing this week was the fact that I came back into contact with my friend Daniel Hong. I chose to step away from him because whenever I hung out with him I would go out to eat or just spend money to go somewhere instead of actually just spending time with a friend. But man, I have to say, he has grown up a lot. Everyone has advanced so far in the time that I took for myself. We are currently gym partners now and I hope to grow very strong with his help. His current partner is going to be leaving soon so it’s actually perfect timing. He wants to do many great things and once again, the only thing stopping us right now is our age and experience. Good ideas pave the way for strong foundations. He actually is in a race with two of his other friends to see who will make a million first, and it really makes me happy to see that I have such bright young men to compare progress. I’m going to be the first one, I plan on retiring by the age of thirty. I believe the most satisfying thing will be showing everyone that anything is possible.

I spoke to my boss about the interview I got arranged and it was great. I chickened out the whole week until I found the perfect opportunity to spring the talk on him. I got the words that I wanted to hear along with another, “you’ve got a lot of potential.” I think I’m getting really sick of hearing that because my mentor told me once, “it doesn’t matter how much potential a person has, because it’s what they do with it.” I shouldn’t brush off kind words from someone who doesn’t really express themselves very well but I guess I’ll write it down. I wish the best for the business, you unfortunately are your worst enemy. I hope one day that I will be as close to the family I start, and it’s inspiring that you built everything you have with your wife from the bottom. Maybe one day I’ll buy that store from the owner and actually bring out the true potential from it. Your daughter has helped me so much and I was truly blessed by networking and learning all I could from working there. It’s bittersweet but I know it will be for the better. It was the most fulfilling job I’ve been at so far knowing that I was the backbone of the store. It truly showed me that I have what it takes to run a business and keep clientele.

My family went out of town to go to my nephew’s first communion so I was alone for three days. So obvious naked living was in order. Haha! But honestly, it was so nice not being bothered, maybe it’s just a sign that I would like to live alone since I have the internet and I won’t truly be alone ever. I can cook, clean, and do everything that I really need to know to not be useless. It would even make my parents appreciate me a little more since I wouldn’t have to see them every day. I just handled business; went to the gym, went to work, made myself food (I even juiced like I said I would!), fed my dogs, streamed, and even woke up when I needed to. I guess it only took twenty years to learn what responsibility is. I suppose I really want it all now, I can support my family from another building, at least I’ll be in the same city. I know I’ll probably be here a year or less but I do think it will be time to leave soon. I’ve never said it on record, but I’m going to pay my parents mortgage by 2017.

For some reason, every time my family is out of town, my best friend Danny G is in town. We always ended up drinking and smoking and just doing hoodlum shit because we finally had a place to do it freely. This time it was different. It was Danny, Jahlil, and me and we came to my house after we got breakfast because I invited them to smoke the weed that I couldn’t smoke. It was nice, because we just got finished with going to some pyramid scheme that Jahlil joined and we just laughed about it. This fucker made us get up early and wasted an hour of our life, but it is okay because we all gotta learn some time. These are my friends that I share ideas with, concepts, what we think about this world. We spoke about Avatar, because element bending is such an awesome concept. We came to the conclusion that Danny was a fire-bender and he is transitioning into an air-bender. The symbolism is that fire-benders are kind of short-tempered and very impulsive. So the change to an air-bender means he is attempting to become calm and collected, becoming wiser in his years. Jahlil on the other hand was an air-bender who was I think was transitioning into an earth-bender. The transition for him represented becoming closer to the earth and fleshing out who his as a person. Something that I can see that has happened due to his new-found appreciation for nature and its beauty. Then they said that I wasn’t in a transitioning period anymore, because I WAS a water-bender.  I was chilling with them sober and the way I was sprawled out on my hammock really represented how I flow with things. Water is strong, solid, and bends to any situation, making it the most versatile. I like the fact that water can break boulders with enough persistence. I have come a long way and I love my brothers. We’re going to go camping to Yosemite and go to Nocturnal (a EDM rave). I can’t wait to see where we end up in only six months.

The gym has already become integrated in my life. It’s such a good place, everyone there is there for a reason. Some do come to socialize unfortunately but it’s not too bad since they probably burn some calories while they’re at it.  Running on the treadmill isn’t as fulfilling as running out on the town with my dog but at least it keeps track of your progress and calories burned. Cardio is so good for you and I’m falling in love again. I’ve noticed that the people in the water areas seem the most open. Could it be that the people with the least clothing are the most comfortable and willing to open up? I’ve fallen in love with the steam room, it really lets me meditate and center myself. Interesting how I’ve found comfort in my freezer and then transitioned to the complete opposite. I enjoy breathing in the vapor from my nose as if I’m taking a hit. Maybe that’s why I enjoy it so much, possibly being a replacement for my drug habit. I am getting so strong already and I can already notice the gains since I started lifting pretty heavy thanks to Daniel. One problem is that due to not smoking anymore, I find it really hard to get an appetite and I’m not making the calories I have to make now. I’m under most of the days so I have to catch up with huge portions the next day.

I know I probably shouldn’t be writing about you even more but I want to express it. Every month seems to be a new experience and obstacle I have to overcome to strengthen us. I do have to mention that you’re getting so fucking good at Street Fighter. I also have to thank you for helping me gain confidence at UGC. Knowing someone was looking at the brackets to see me progress and sending me matchup-videos really meant the world to me. I think winning my first match and seeing that you messaged me about winning already was the highlight of my night. It made me become incredibly inflated in the head that I actually  was incredibly confident against Velociraptor. Hopefully playing with you will become easier with GTA because it’ll be a lot more fun and bullshitting unlike the other games since there isn’t a real goal. I feel as though you want me to pull harder and I’m not doing it because I want to play it correctly. I want to make you a priority but I’m not sure where to go with it. I’m just really glad we had that talk though, because it really put things into perspective. A little communication from both sides goes a very long way. Also, Imagine writing to you twice in one sitting. I’m just so full of it. ResidentSleeper

I bought a drug test to make sure I would be clean if they sprung one on me abruptly. I absolutely freaked out because I took it the day of the second interview and failed it. Going into it, I told Meeks and my mom because I have to express myself for things to be alright. So going about it positively—I went into the second interview. It was a waste of time because I didn’t meet with Mike, the head honcho of the building, but at least I got to do the interview again with my future supervisor. I just went over my skills that would translate to my job and shared about myself. I always said that if you get me an interview, that I would get the job ez. This time I felt a bit nervous but I articulated myself fairly well. Although, I noticed I used like and uhm as a place holder in the beginning. Sam is a great guy and I think he will make sure I get a position due to the fact that he’s the main person behind the hiring process (being the Human Resources manager and all.) Dressing up in suits really makes me feel like I belong there, mainly because I look really sharp in them and I know my political career will consist of wearing the monkey suit on a daily basis.  The funny part about failing the drug test is that I read the instructions and the reality was you don’t fail it even if one of the lines isn’t highlighted all the way. Feels good to be an idiot… Every day is a learning experience.

My parents are dumb as fuck. I had an exchange with them today that really made me rethink everything about them. I’m not really being irresponsible anymore, but I don’t really know what the problem is. I thought being on the insurance and actually using the car legally would get them off my back for a bit but now they feel compelled to be petty as fuck. My step-dad literally texted me, “maybe you should’ve thought about that before selling your car.” I’ll put it on record. I did sell my car. I sold it because I thought it would be a good idea to get money for it before It depreciated in value by a margin. The guy I sold it to needed it a lot more than me and it was the catalyst for me to start losing weight. It was the point where I improved a lot. I even bought a good ass computer with part of the money. I still stand by it being a great decisions with the pros out-weighing the cons but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I think I plan on getting a place with someone from my friend group who is responsible. I can’t deal with them being the way that they are. I’m writing this at five in the morning so hopefully the next entry will bear better results. I’m hoping we have a talk tomorrow.

I told my mom about using drugs and that I really enjoy psychedelics.  I explained to her that it only stays in your system for a few days and they don’t really test for it anyway. Basically I try to educate her as much as possible when it comes to drugs because she’s ignorant as fuck. She shared a lot of information with me about her past and we came to the realization that drugs automatically meant irresponsibly. She didn’t need them to get by even with her really rough adolescence, so why need them now? I can respect the shit out of that but I’ve said to her that drugs helped shape who I am as a person. I would not be here thinking what I think without drugs. I definitely think I was propelled at least two-three years in wisdom because they opened my mind so much. I met so many great people and enjoyed many great experiences that wouldn’t have happened if the herb wasn’t there.

I missed follower Friday and I got a lot of flak for it. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. I feel as though I should be given some slack since people feel a bit entitled for me giving my sleep up to provide the streaming experience but at the same time I DO have a schedule that I set out myself. Maybe I should adjust the schedule and make it a bit more appropriate. The only reason I didn’t get up was the fact that I went to bed fairly late the night before the interview and I got up early. And then after that I worked, THEN hit the gym really hard. I was just plain out exhausted and my body didn’t want to move because I was getting the well needed recovery that I needed. There isn’t much you can do about mistakes that have been made already besides try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s the second follower Friday that I’ve missed and it’s hopefully the last unexpected one. I’m going to stream Sunday as a follower day so people can get their games in. A man of the people I call myself, man have I got a ways to go.

A lot of funny stuff happened this Saturday night. I kissed my first guy of the night. It was Daniel Hong, we went to a friends and drank a ridiculous amount to play catch-up with the belligerent people there. As you all know, I am an incredibly confident and comfortable person. Sexual orientation has been a hot topic in my stream and within friends lately. So I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to put my money where my mouth is I told him just get it done and stop being a bitch, because at the end of the day I love women so me kissing you won’t mean much really. Maybe it’s just due to me enjoying people’s reactions to the things that I do. It’s not really validation but it’s kind of like an exhibitionist. It was such a petty thing. I think I am going to explore my sexuality a bit more and see to what limit I feel comfortable with. People at the gym think I’m gay because I carry around a pink blender-ball flask. Imagine colors representing anything in 2015 l m a o.

Daniel and I had a very good night. He came over and experienced what it’s like for me streaming. He’s starting to vlog our progress at the gym, which I love because in three months it will show such huge amounts of progress because we’ve been going hard as fuck. Today we did a “total body massacre” as we called it since we missed a lot of days this week. He’s really going to push me to my limits and that is truly the best thing I can ask for in a work-out partner. We spoke business ideas too, finally I get to spit some of this wisdom that I’ve learned this past year. Let’s fucking do this Daniel. Getting our bodies and wallets SWOLE!

I guess what I learned these weeks is:

Interactions are always important and that you should always attempt to make a persons’ day just a little bit better. It might just brighten their shitty night/day and motivate them to make a change in their life. Words are incredibly powerful. 

Deadlines

Another Tuesdaze. One of my worst days in a while. I was congested, coughing, and I had a pounding headache all day. And the best part was that it was incredibly slow at work. I wish I had a co-worker so I could just stay in bed all day. As much as I complain, getting full-time hours is nice. After work, I tried to lie down and sleep, but I couldn't get to sleep until three hours after lying down. I guess staying awake until I'm exhausted has conditioned my body more than I'd like. I ended up sleeping for three hours. But then I got up and made chicken noodle soup I’d bought. I'm lying in bed before work right now and man this sickness better go in a couple days or I'll go mad.

The actual process of streaming has been on my mind. I sit in my room, and I hope people come and chill with me. It's so crazy because the Internet is such a magnificent tool that we can harness to reach each other. I would love to accommodate the European audience, but I have a day job. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure something out eventually.

Native Spanish speakers have been visiting the stream, which means I get to work on my Spanish. It's such a blessing being a Hispanic; you're pretty much forced to learn this other language before you can walk. Actually, I spoke Spanish before English. Then I stopped while still young because I was embarrassed of my Spanish. I've finally embraced my frijole-loving culture and learned how rich it is. Once you make it apparent you speak Spanish to another person who knows the language, it becomes so easy to communicate regardless of other cultural boundaries.

After all these years, I'm still mean to my mom. She only shows how much compassion and love she has toward us. It's just too much sometimes. This happened recently, but I'll give some back story: Everyone in my house is hard of hearing one way or another. My stepdad is deaf in one ear. My sister is deaf in both, so she uses hearing-aids. Then there is my mother, who’s going deaf. I'm used to speaking loudly so I can be heard clearly and understood. I mumble a lot and don't pronounce my words correctly, which doesn’t help. You can probably guess how great communication through my family is. While I started getting sick, my voice was leaving. I was talking lower, so I told my mom I wasn't really going to talk to her because it would be too hard to repeat myself three times. Yesterday, I was trying to sleep, and my mom comes in and asks me five different things at once. I raised my voice and said to leave me alone. She knows I wasn't feeling well, and she didn't say anything the next day. I'll definitely work on being nicer since there is no point in stressing her out more.

I've finally realized how dumb human interaction is. It's just a straight game you play. You grind, putting in all your time and effort, and hopefully they stick around. The less you give, the more they want. Then when you give too much, they don't want anymore. I've lost a lot of people in my life due to them just leaving. I expect it to happen most of the time at this point. I'm a great person to share good times and experiences with. I help you grow and learn a few things about yourself, and then you take a part of me with you. I'll never forget the good times, but it seems like the ones who leave never really cared. Maybe it's because I'm too much of a nice guy. I'm not a pushover by any means, but I care too much and get engulfed by people. I constantly think of possibilities that can come from whoever it is, be it friendships, relationships, or strangers. I was told that I have problems with putting people on pedestals, and it’s due to my expectations. I have to realize people don’t think the same way I do and won’t be putting forth as much energy as I do

My ex left because I didn't give her what she wanted. I was with her for a year and a half during high school. Then we continued to see each other off and on for the past couple of years -- having someone there during the hectic times, like someone to cuddle with or just have a conversation about things bothering you, really makes a difference. Finally she left. I wasn't going to ask her out again, because I wasn't going to deal with her family. I finally earned her parents trust, so everything was going well. Then her wonderful sister saw that her Facebook account was logged in. So she went through some messages and found conversations about our sexual escapades. Not really sure what compelled her sister, but she told her dad. Their family flew into some crazy shit and banned me from their house. We stayed together after, but I didn't enjoy being back to sneaking around like delinquents.

I would have stayed if it was just me and her, but that wasn't going to happen in a real relationship. I've finally gone over the scenarios, and I’m okay with it. I always told her she needs to get what she deserves because I wasn't going to give it to her. I know it sounds like I was just some dick, but I just wasn't totally invested. I helped her finally be comfortable with who she is, and I’m proud of that because it shows how people can respond well to outside help and really better themselves. She's finally joining movements and is speaking her mind. I'm still talking about this because I miss embrace, and that's what I've been yearning for. You get used to having someone in your arms late into the night. Now I just use the bed to sleep since I'm trying to program myself to knock-out when I lie on it.

Friday has been magnificent!

I gamed with the gamer and, with alcohol as fuel, hilarity ensued. It’s astounding how you’re your confidence grows with alcohol. It's nice to see the progress with you. Every day that caring, nutty, salty caramel center shows more and more. The fact that you don't remember anything makes it even funnier. I'm trying to give you the time and attention you need. I've just gotta work harder at it and you know I'll put the effort in. The laughs we share are always my favorite and they really make my day.

Work’s going so well that nothing can stop me. I’m a born-salesman when I believe in my product and costumers getting what they want. I'm still in the process of training my new co-worker (and soon to be replacement). He's shaping up to be really good. He's going to be able to take care of the store, and I won't feel so bad leaving. I delivered to SYGMA (the company where I have lined up to work), and today I looked at it differently. It felt like I was getting acquainted with a new home I would be buying in the future. I hope I work in the freezer area since I've grown accustomed to the colder area and they get gear to make it not such a bad experience. The freezer at work has been my tranquility zone. I sometimes sit in it and meditate to center myself. I hope to find the same comfort from the below-zero environment.
I got a call when I was finishing up from a number I didn't recognize so I let it ring and go to voicemail. It was Sam! He said to call him back regarding my position. As I called him, I just yelled fuck to the heavens. Life has done it again. Proving that self-sabotage is perpetual in my life. I started smoking. I dun goofed bad. But I’m not a quitter. I’ll always persevere when there are no other options. Failure is DEFINITELY not an option. My ticket won't burn up because of my adolescent ignorance.

Sam said to get my resume ready and apply online. The interview is Thursday. I have six days to get clean, and I know I can do it. I'm a wrestler. I've lost pounds and pounds of sweat when I needed to. I'm going to need to call upon some force, be it God or the universal energy. I need you to assist me. I need this to work out. I’ll put in the work-- just don't let me fuck this up. I need this for my family and close ones. The first step of my new life!

I really needed to write. I was jittery after that experience because I needed to get it out. I needed to access the situation in a better perspective. I know I think I can conquer the world no matter the obstacles, but I’m utterly terrified. Freddy Martinez: The drug doer. Paying for the sins of his habitual medication.

So last thing I left was about this lady, Sharan. I was going to explain how helping her out and opening my mouth gave me an opportunity, but she never ended up calling me. So gg??

So many productive things happened Sunday. Got my membership  at 24-Hour-Fitness for hella cheap and, fixed the situation with Sam. I got the interview date changed to next Tuesday, so that’s PLENTY of time at the rate I’m working on it. I'm sweating from cardio, the steam room, and taking five niacin pills at a time. I believe that me getting this opportunity is going to make me go back to God . Sam has a lot of faith, and he always puts God first. I don’t want to act arrogant, but I want to think that all these things have happened from my doing . Shad said in one of my favorite songs:

               This wisdom of man is foolishness to God
               Don't build on the sand or trust in the odds
               Be shrewd as the snakes and innocent as doves
               Don't succumb to hate, overcome hate with love

I know March isn’t over yet, but I didn’t make my goal unless I get thirty-four followers in these next three days. I’ve noticed that I set my goals really high, so that even if it doesn’t work out I’m satisfied. I made my goal of getting down to one-hundred and sixty pounds. Now tThe next goal is to put on fifteen pounds of muscle by June. Three months isn’t too much time, but I think I’ll accomplish it with my current state of mind is at. Life is only beginning, and it’s so exciting.

Connections

I was late on the last entry due to not writing until Monday. It was such a therapeutic one too. I had an hour lunch and just wrote and wrote. Makes the time go by fast and really stimulates my mind. My friend has been editing my work, and it makes me realize how deprived I am of being rated critically. I forgot how important it is to make sure to read, or just challenging yourself mentally so your brain doesn't turn to mush. I haven't really told anyone but him, but I'm going to write an auto-biography as a memento to the astounding life I've lived so far. All the good, the bad -- every nook and cranny. This is why I started writing. I might turn these into entries to recount events, but I don't know if this blog will become too convoluted.

I mentioned the "Tuesdaze" last entry, and I got called out on being too vague. I didn't write much on it, because I couldn't explain it well. But after another one, I really feel weak on Tuesday. I feel mentally vacant, like a husk. I was fairly productive that day; you have to take advantage of your free time when you only having one day off a week.

I absolutely love juicing, and I especially love beets. I’ll make sure to juice every day off and continue making a pitcher full -- hopefully my family can drink some too. It's like an energy tonic; I use carrots, celery, apples, spinach, bell peppers (red, green, and yellow), and fat-ass beets. The only downside is I make such a mess, but there really isn't an excuse not to clean it up since I have the whole day.

I also did a good amount of yard work. I laugh to myself whenever I think of my first actual job. When a new Pokémon game I wanted was going to come out, I would go around and mow my neighbors’ lawns. I specifically wanted both versions because I knew one of my friends would want to play it, and I would trade from the beginning to get all the starters. That probably started at the age of twelve. I was going to get all the homies and start a summertime business, since I have the tools and experience. It's not too demanding of work and the payoff is decent, but you know how it goes -- people don't wanna work!

After I finished juicing, my mom wanted to eat. So we went to one of our favorite Chinese places, Little Szechwan. I enjoy getting my mom alone because she can speak freely without anyone else judging or holding her back from expressing herself. I've finally been successful with convincing her to comprehend the idea of starting and running our own business. I hit her close to home and told her Henry (my step-father) probably won't be able to work in three years due to his body catching up with him. I told her we can do it if we start saving, and maybe in three years it wouldn't be such a far-fetched idea. I expressed that if she took a second to look around the boulevard where we were eating, she would realize there were so many different businesses; and being on the boulevard gave it consistent traffic.

Today I'm undergoing the sketchiest business transaction of my life thus far. I’m prepared to give one of my costumers $300 in exchange for a fixie bike. It's sketchy because I've only seen the bike in a picture and she's being a middle man. My mom has been adamant about me reconsidering and just going to a store. But my mother is the most paranoid, indecisive, suspicious, and over-protective women I know. Always something someone shouldn't be doing, but regardless she’s just looking out for me. I can't express how I appreciate it, because she goes into "I've lived longer, and I know more." Obviously, mother, but you don't have to be so arrogant about it. Kerry is the chick. She hasn't shown up yet, so I'm sketched out. But I'm crossing fingers hoping I'll be rewarded for trusting someone with my own judgment.

Update on the bike: This chick didn't show up at all that day, and I told my mom I would be riding my bike home. So me being the all-powerful improviser -- I ended up running three-and-a-half miles to my friend Jahlil’s house.

I love Jahlil so much. He needs someone to help guide him because he's so lost right now. It's as if I'm looking into a time machine and seeing myself six months ago. We spoke about many things, but the main one was a concern I had and made me take my drastic step of cutting off my friends. He hates that his current friends just smoke and chill -- that's it. Nothing exciting. No adding to their life experiences. Just being stoners. And I have to say, that isn’t how you use marijuana. You have it augment your experience and add an unforgettable memory. It's always an adventure when Mary is around~

We went to WinCo because munchies, obviously. I had an interesting experience I don't think I'll ever forget. (Side note: I think I've converted to almond milk.) We were walking back to his house and from what I saw, this girl needed help. She was screaming "get away from me!” and “I need help!"

I've always fantasized of helping people in dire situations, so I told Jahlil we were going over there. So we run up to this guy, and I question him in an assertive voice. "What's going on?" I’m ready to sock the shit out of this guy, but then I see the girl; she’s tripping the fuck out. She was being delusional. Her friend told me later that she just took a dab before arriving there, so I'm assuming her demons were getting to her. I grabbed her and kept her at arm’s length because she seemed like she was going to claw or jump on me. I asked what she saw, and she started to sit in the middle of the parking lot and tell me she only saw black. This bitch was looking at the gravel! I convinced her to sit on the curb, but she ended up crawling there on all four. I had to tell her to follow my voice and stop on the gray (the curb). Finally, I settled her down by having her take deep breaths and focus on a tree in the distance. I felt like I was 100% in control and that I could calm her down. It was such a surreal experience. Her friends were a bunch of fuck bois, too. One came up to me while I was trying to help her. He thought I gave a shit and told me he has a scholarship lined up and he didn't want to mess it up. Imagine being this naive and not focusing on your friend. I had to leave, so I patted her on the back and told her great job. There’s this look that people get when they're under the influence. It scares me because we have a power when we use our words. Nothing in the world matters, just what they're focusing on and you have their undivided attention. I know I'll have to get used to it for the future, but damn is it unnerving.

Yvette came home. Although I joke about it with my friend, I truly think she’s the love of my life. I've come to terms with there not being a mutual attraction. I like how she appreciates the world so much, and it opened my eyes. She was my companion last summer. We talked a lot and hung out even more. It was so nice having it be my last summer of hanging out and being free from adulthood. She even met my circle jerk (my Internet boys) when they came out here for Hard Summer (two day EDM festival). I've also helped her grow; I just found out I'm one of the only people whom she can carry a conversation about things that actually matter, not just simple dialogue. She always comes through -- she calls me and then all of a sudden it turns into an adventure.

I got to know her little brother, spending so much time at her house. It's crazy seeing yourself in people. This kid was being raised exactly how I was, and it disgusted me. He was being taught about the world with a veil between him and the truth. The world is a fucked up place and raising a child with nativity is asking for trouble. He hasn't truly left the womb, because his mother is just as overbearing as mine. We talked about racism and his friends and what they discussed. It was cute how he got all embarrassed when I asked him if he liked any girls. This kid said three! I was a little player when I was his age too. We told him that even though we're adults, we can be his friends and confidants if there’s anything on his mind. We connected so easily thanks to video games. He's going to be a great young man, but he needs to be exposed to the world and embrace it. ‘Good kid, MAAD world’ seems to fit.

Saturday is Spooky Saturday's, and I try to hype it up as much as possible so people can come through. I'm doing pretty well with my goal, and I think I'll actually be able to make it to 300 followers by the end of March. But back to Saturday: I ended up almost not going to Yvette’s get together because, I was gaming with my gamer. It’s my favorite thing at the end of long days -- pretty sure it's the only thing keeping me sane. Especially since we haven't spent much time together this past week because I fall asleep. But I said I was going to go, so I shall. I got bitched at by my friends who were at Yvette’s house. I said I was leaving early because I had obligations, leaving out the specifics. I haven't gained any confidence when it comes to what I do every night. Maybe in a couple of years I'll speak up. Streaming won't be so unheard of, and my asset will actually be something great by then. Anyway, I ended up getting home around eleven because I was enjoying myself and I haven't gone out in a good minute.

I went out back with Yvette again and enjoyed sharing a session. We ended up meditating in the middle of her backyard under the stars. I fucking love nature and its beauty. I’ll see the world and all it has to offer while I'm still a young adventurer. I explained how when I see her, I feel as if it's a checkpoint, since it's always every couple of months. I share my hopes and dreams, and it’s going to be satisfying when everything finally comes together and becomes a reality. I told her I'm on a mission to become the best human being in the world. You can call me a try–hard, but it’s easy to make things "perfect" with a little extra effort. Being able to make unforgettable experiences for people means a lot to me.

The final goodbyes were had today. I would make deliveries once or twice a week to this prison in my town. All the people in there were so nice. I made many connections with the workers, even an invitation to work there when I turned twenty-one. There were two people who I hope I cross paths with again: Douglas, the security guard I would chit–chat and share my plans with, and one of the cafeteria ladies. I never got her name, but she would call me mijo (son in Spanish). Her late son and I share birthdays. She explained how he was shot around my age because he was down in Los Angeles and I guess some guys thought he was a gang-banger from another part of town. This lady even invited me to her other son’s birthday party, which I flaked on because I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. She would always ask how my day went, and every single time she asked if she could get a lower price on Ice!

Douglas is one of the chilliest guys I’ve ever met. It started off with talking about what I was studying at school. And obviously I’m going to take the opportunity to ramble on about myself. I told him how I plan on running for Mayor and that he should vote for me when the time comes. After the weeks went by, it would be a really cool part of the day for him because he works at the check in. I’m sure he doesn’t have too many conversations, because it’s a pass and go type of deal. I’m going to try to help him get a job at Sygma if it all works out. He was starting the classes for a class A license to become a truck driver. He just needs to make more money for his family, and the reality is that he’s going to have to change occupations even if overtime is pretty good for them. But I got his number, and he sent me a reassuring text that we’ll be in contact.

Ose (my mentor) has helped me to develop at an accelerated rate. He cut the bullshit and told me what works and what doesn’t. I finally didn’t go to sleep or do something later in the night, so I called him for a conference. He’s going to East-Africa and Switzerland for a business trip, to talk policies on a contract he wrote up. Our last encounter was when a lot of problems were happening between me and my family. It’s crazy how much time has elapsed already. I told him today that I’m going to be rich and I’m going to tell everyone I have him to thank for it. Discussing my plans with him and sharing positive news was so satisfying. He knew right away when I lied to him about smoking because I looked to the right and not at his face. I’m going to check out a book, The Power of Focus, so I’ll try to stop by and buy that sometime this week. I’d like to write down a list of things he said:

He shared a Nixon quote that fit my story: “Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.”

One of our favorite ones by Scarface: “First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman.”

And the last thing he told me before I left was: “Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” - Allen Saunders

Tuesdaze

Tuesdays have become too strange. I can't explain it too well, but it's equivalent to "Mondaze." I never thought anything of it until I realized it legitimately happens every Tuesday. I try my best to be happy all the time regardless of my personal ups and downs. So putting that into consideration, it might be my day to recuperate my energy. I’ve fortunately had my day off switched to Tuesday. It's great because it opens up opportunities to go to UGC again. I'm also going to start hiking to get away from the world for a moment of serenity—maybe that'll help me out.

I haven't been feeling like writing, but I know I gotta get these thoughts to a page before they're gone. I haven't run this week unfortunately. Fuck the wage slave life.

A friend of mine asked me what I would do if money wasn't an issue. I legitimately sat there for five minutes and couldn't come up with an answer. How sad that I've had my mentality tainted by this world. My dream is to make money not an obstacle then turn it into an asset to help people. I want to become a philanthropist and actually do something about the world and its conditions. I've always been shot down by people who say that's dumb, one person can't change the world, go get a real job, or to stop dreaming. It's incredibly daunting, but I know I'll preserver. After giving it so much thought, I think I would become a dog trainer or something else involving animals. I used to want to be veterinarian, but then I realized you’re essentially a doctor, and fuck school.

Speaking of school, I'm returning in the fall, and it’s going to be nice. I'll have a different outlook on it. I even heard my community college will offer four-year degrees before I graduate, so I think I might actually start my empire in Lancaster and do something about this shithole. It's changing so rapidly, and I'm afraid I'll be too late.

I bought herb yesterday. I guess you could say I caved because I've been feeling low this week. I had a good conversation that made me rethink me even starting. Once again, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not as strong as I believe myself to be. I know I could've gone without it, but I craved it and felt like congratulations for the career opportunity were in order. I only took two hits from my pipe, and my god, it's going to be such a bittersweet goodbye when it's finally time to let Mary go. I said I'll stop in May again to be ready for any openings at the new job, since I was told such a vague time for when it would be—June-August, so I’ll do my best not to fuck up such a good opportunity. Addiction is such a strange concept. You get such a pleasure from a certain thing, and the gratification you get from giving in is unforgettable. But in the end, beating it is for the better.

I saw Jackie today, a girl that has been popping into the store from time to time. She's nice and seems interested. I messed up a good amount of opportunities, like seeing her outside of the store randomly. I kept telling myself I would say or do something if I saw her because you never know if people come around again. I wasn't ready for the visit today, but I found out her brother is the pretty chill guy who always bumps Tupac whenever he's in the store so I got mad love for him. Just saw him today; his name is Joey. I think going on a date will begood for me—I'm not getting any younger that's for sure. I feel guilty because I already have an emotional connection with someone, but I think as scummy as it is to say, I'm attempting to get lucky and have a nice fling while I can. Lord knows I haven't gotten physical in a cool minute.

I see every day as a new opportunity, and I believe that's what people need to get into the habit of doing. Nothing will ever, I repeat, ever land on your lap. You have to try with your whole body and soul. We have such a limited time on this earth and it's not even an option, it's a responsibility. If you haven't reached out to someone in need, please do. Help those suffering with a smile, a kind gesture, anything to help them through the day. I'm doing thatholding back tears thing. I have too much in my heart for me to handle. It feels as if past generations want to rip through my chest to be free and correct their sins through me. It has to happen. I'm going to die early working as hard as I am to get there, and hopefully I'll make my idol proud. Writing these letters down and having the ability to convey my thoughts, my emotion and soul--it's truly a gift that needs to be broadcasted.

Kendrick Lamar has left me speechless, and that's the main reason I've gotten so emotional. The album has actually blown my expectations away. Every track was laced with such personality and heart. I knew the young visionary would emerge. This is what the kids need. We need someone to trigger the revolutionaries in our hearts. Pac is gone and that was the only artist that truly cared and tried to reach out to make a difference. Every track is astounding, and I can't quite pick a favorite yet. Mortal man, the last track in the album had me break into tears of joy. He made a mock interview with Pac after the actual song. It was beautifully done, and he said something that really resonated with me. He had my mentality, he saw the opportunities, and he took the shitty, degrading jobs because he wanted to build himself up to go for his dreams. "I've made millions for so many people working those jobs. Now it's time to make us some money." Everyone, please get this album and support the movement.

I've never been attracted to someone well-off, friendships or relationships. It might be because they don't think they have anything to work on, so it bothers me. Or it could just be cloaked envy. It's probably the reason I’m so attracted to broken people. So many people have untapped potential because sometimes they don't have the one person they need to believe in them. I want to repair this world from the ground up. It does start with one person—every idea starts with one person. It's like planting a seed; if you plant enough, eventually you'll spring a farm, and you'll have to get more land to plant again. I suppose the God complex isn't the most appealing trait of mine, but it's so difficult to silence it when I meet people who need a little saving. The only problem I've ran into is when they don't see who they want to become in the mirror. You have to visualize things. Fake it 'till you make it used to be my motto, and ironically enough a TED talk (http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en) changed my viewpoint. The speaker went further with it, fake it until you become it, because eventually you will become it with the hard work put in.

I got my hands on the car to go to work, so I decided to see Asia, and Josh ended up showing after. It was such a selfish thing to do to my loved ones, but man have I evolved. I’m calling it my hyperbolic time chamber hiatus. I've come back stronger and better than ever, and it's only getting better as time goes by. The great thing is that all my friends have undergone their own life improvements. It's the age finally catching up to us. We have to adapt and make things happen. I'm ready, though. I'm ready to have friends again, to have my other family and be there for them. Isaiah has gotten so big. He's already eighteen months old. He didn't remember me, which is understandable because their memory isn't the strongest to begin with, let alone when you haven't seen someone in six months. I want to be there for my black family. They’re going to be the ones I help the most next to my own and we will capitalize on many opportunities.

I've been thinking about you lately. I wonder if you ever think about me anymore. My blood boils when people call me your name. "It's a sexier name than Freddy." Fuck you. This is my identity. You haven't impacted my life at all, and I've grown to be a fine young man. I guess I gotta thank you for giving me the lady killer genes, although I won't be a home-wrecker. It's weird that you inherit so much—I fantasize of ruining marriages just so the woman can have a good time for a night. I think I'm gonna ask my mom why she did it. What was it—just list filled, maybe even out of spite? I love the irony of being a blessing disguised as an accident. I'm probably the greatest mistake my mom has ever made. What a funny dynamic. I feel like when I blow up I’mgonna get a visit from you, and I don't know if I'll spit on you or just throw money at your face and say I want nothing to do with you. It's unfortunate; I've always wanted to see my sister, but I guess blood doesn't really mean much. Just thinking of people looking like me makes me laugh. A bunch of ugly mother fuckers. Haha! I just want to know my ancestry, but it is great that I get to write on a blank canvas. My story. I'm going to start a proud lineage with my Queen one day.

End of week~

If I wrote down every interaction that happened to me, my story would sound so far-fetched because it works out so perfectly in the end like a fairytale. But it's quite the opposite—coincidence isn't even the word best to describe it. I know I love my clichés, but destiny takes the cheesecake So I try not to use it too much. The people, places, and events that I go through seem perfectly placed for me to learn and grow from these opportunities and experiences. This mouth will get my where I want to get because I know how to carry myself and can convey to people that I care, thus leading them to further interacting and proposing opportunities.

You all know I don't like my job, so I don't really like sticking around when I don't have to. After getting off work the other night, I started walking without a jacket like a dummy, because I rushed out forgetting it was cold as shit. I passed by a dealership I see every day, and I happened to stumble upon this great-looking white Pontiac Grand Prix '06. So I went inside to speak to them. A salesman named Coco talked with me—a really cool guy. He took an interest in me; the middle easterners always do because I look like I'm part of the Armenian mafia, with my hair slicked back. Coco told me it was $3900. I'm really thinking about picking it up as the whip before the come upso I have transportation. I passed by it today, but it wasn't there so I gotta make sure my opportunity didn't pass.

Good news has arrived as well! One of my parents' friends from our old Church stopped by. Sam works in the human resources department at a company I make deliveries to, andhe can pretty much guarantee employment there starting in the summer. Ya boi ain't going to be working for minimum wage anymore. I'll be making at the very least 55k a year, and it's under a Union so yay for benefits! The only unfortunate part is that it's actually ademanding job, both mentally and physically. It's a factory job loading pallets that get delivered to places all over the country. This could also be my opportunity to begin my dream; corporate America, here I come! I'm not going to have as much time to stream, but we'll see how it goes when the time comes.

I got really hammered on Sp00ky Saturday. No one really knows this, but I ended up barfing after the broadcast. It got all over my desk and keyboard! It was such a blast though, but I'm not goingto be drinking anymore.I can provide good content without the use of external help. I’ll be receiving my capture card sometime this week or next. So this opens the doors to so many new opportunities. New people to meet, new games—there aren't many obstacles left besides time and buying new consoles, obviously.

This is my year and there are no more excuses, the time is now!

February recap

This month has been full of events and lessons. I've quit a couple of things, but I feel as if my mission is getting clearer because I can focus better. 

I'll look at the calendar to summarize.

It's funny. I said a couple of entries ago that I was going to use this as a guide or reminder to keep me on a trail. But holy shit am I a fickle bitch. I try every day to improve on sticking with things and not waning so much. After I finished reading the last entry, I had a good chuckle to myself. I won't be pursuing the insurance license after all. I spent too much time fucking around, and now it will cost me twenty bucks every month to renew it (it's been renewed twice already). I know that's not a lot, but my dedication and commitment being non-existent makes it a silly endeavor at this point. I still have the discount code, so I think I can always come back to it a couple of years later, starting over for forty bucks while having the six-month period of not renewing.

So that's the first thing I didn't accomplish this month after saying I was going to start selling insurance in March. The second is the bass: I haven't been picking it up, and I think that's due to the time constraints of my schedule. I know that's a horrible excuse, but I can pick it up whenever I want and just continue. I'm not gonna say I'll do it, because then I'll just be lying to myself. That’s the going to be the goal of March: DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO OTHERWISE DON'T OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. I’ve improved so much in that area already, but I know I can be better—sometimes I just say things to say them, and there ends up being absolutely zero action backing it.

With my calendar, I write quantity over quality on the goals I want to accomplish. That's another reaction from my problem. I'm going to do my month of March calendar, and I won't just write what I hope to accomplish. I’ll write what I know I’ll accomplish. One goal is running. I ran one time this month; that’s so bad! I feel so guilty that my baby (dog) has been let down because I’ve been having a rough time with work, on the physical side, and it’s been my workout supplement. That said, I’ll walk her regardless of how I feel. I know it's not as fulfilling as running, but at least she'll expend her energy.

I didn't do Choco Taco Chronicles. I'm not ready to rekindle the relationship with Alfonso. I think I'll compromise my break from smoking prematurely. I feel so empowered not smoking; I'm not sure how long this is going to last, but I want to make a substantial step forward regarding my employment position. Ironic enough, he just got promoted to a manager position in the job he's working at with his father, and he says he needs to hire someone. So this will be the seed that, if watered and nurtured correctly, could become my tree of wealth and ticket out of my peasantry. I've made two important women in my life proud without smoking, but I believe it's okay to smoke—just not too often, I suppose. 

I did a twelve-hour stream, and it was pretty cool. I got the day off during the week because of an incident at work regarding the inspector, causing the store to close down for two days. The spontaneous things that happen in my life just work out so well. It's strange. I played Street Fighter for a loooong time. My friend Chris came over and we money-matched for twenty bucks. I felt confident in my play and knew I was going to take it. It’s not so often that I have much confidence in my play since it blows up in my face usually. Cheers so improving!

I got Dragon Ball Z Xenoverse and I have to say, this game is pretty fucking cool. I’m definitely going to be streaming it quite often. To my surprise the stream has integrated into my life so flawlessly, and I love it. I always hated that saying of you won't work a day in your life if you love your job, but I have to say, it’s definitely true. Gaming is the only thing I've ever loved that brings me happiness; I get to share so many experiences and laughs with people of endless backgrounds. 

I'm particularly happy as of late, and I'm going to do my best to go higher ;)

I ended up staying up after the twelve-hour stream which ended at around five in the morning. I decided to do something about the situation with my driving record. After staying on hold for thirty minutes, I got a guy who wasn't completely useless and gave me all the information I needed. I went to the courthouse after the phone call, and a clerk there said it was going through that day. So I flew to the DMV to get a copy of my record, and even the clerk there said it was clear. 

Here came the happiness and relief. 

I went to AAA and talked to an insurance agent. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing, because he just went over the layout that I got with another agent. In the end, he said it wasn't cleared, because the paper didn't say "dismissed". This was my third attempt, so I wasn’t taking it that well. 

Being okay with shit not working out, I went home and tried to call the agency again. After another thirty minutes on hold, I got this wonderful lady who had the most magnificent stick up her ass. She said my record was clear, and I asked, “Are you shooore, because I just got rejected.” 

“You’re cleared,” she said in an aggravated voice, and then the bitch hung up! Now, I'm not an ill-tempered young man, thankfully, but holy shit did I want to blow a fucking hole into the wall with my fist. I haven’t been that enraged in a long time. The audacity of some people when it's their goddamn job to do these things. Quit your fucking job and find another one if you don't like it, don’t piss in someone’s Kool-Aid over it.

I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen since high school, and I think I'm going to accomplish some things with him. It was so refreshing having a good time with an old friend, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and went in because it was cheap-o Tuesday (fifty-cent wings and sides were around four to five bucks each). While there I actually shared my dream—it was so nice to speak so well about it. I don't have the most concrete road to get there yet, but I know laying the foundation in my mind will be the best thing to do right now. It's such a long term goal that I can afford to take my time to plan things out. I love my situation in life right now because they aren't always going to work out, but I gotta go with it and keep my blinders on and look to the near future.

Recap: don't make so many goals, appreciate the progress, drop to 150lb by the end of March, start lifting in April [gotta get that calendar body ready ;)] 

I want to set a big goal: I’ll get to 300 followers on Twitch by the end of March. I have such a magnificent family starting already, and once I get this bot figured out, it will only propel me further. 

Thank you all for the support, whoever reads this. Ya’ll mean the world to me, and I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am without any of you. Shout-out to the little lady who motivated me to keep going; you've done so much already, and you keep impressing me with your dedication.

PS: NEW UPDATES EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT/MONDAY MORNING XOXO