Desperately Grasping for a Future

I was so scared I couldn't log into my blogs anymore because blogspot got canned. That's how you know how long it's been since I've tried to write anything at all. Anyway, this is gonna be my 2020 post and 2019 wrap up. I've reached level 25 and I am officially disappointed at where I ended up. On the flip-side I am proud of forcing myself to relocate in order to save my life and live under the guise of being a productive adult.

I got my own place, almost paid off my car, have absolutely no furniture, and am still sleeping on my air-mattress. Although my kitchen has everything I could possibly need. I made over 100k this year and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I even had my mom's bail me out with a loan for 4k because I blew my relocation bonus. I've fixed my credit through this agency, and I also actually pay my debts back. Getting up to 650ish from 360-420 is definitely something I'm holding onto. Lots of regret and disgust for the decisions I've made, but you can't do anything with them but learn from it. I said I'd do a lot of things, and that's the main reason for my wallowing. I know what I'm capable of, and I achieved a fraction of that. There's always a flip-side because I know some people don't even reach their goals, let alone set any. So I will truely compare myself to my past self as a means to gauge progress.

My mentality is strong, you could say borderline unbreakable, but not when it comes to gambling. That's not the mindset you need, and that's where my problems have manifested. I love who I am when I'm on track and on point. Proud to look at the mirror and look people in the eyes. The moment I relapse, I fall into depressive episodes that I'm surprised I can get out of sometimes. I fall into escapism to cope, drowning in Japanese cartoons, video games, and most forms of binging. I want to cultivate these relationships I have. They're truely like plants or the gym, you have to put in to get anything back. Care and attentiveness is the only way you'll get results.

I never wrote actual goals for 2019 on my discord server because I had the backlog of the 2018 ones. So after skipping a year I will be making one again, I'll possibly post a screen shot after I compile it. I've always told myself 25 would be the limit of my headass-ary, so this is it, kid. Are we doing this thing or what? Are we making your family proud? Probably not because everyone has different aspirations for people. I'm not having a child until I find a good woman. I'm not going to lock myself into a mortgage payment. I will live 2 years minimum in Colorado. I will find myself and be completely honest with who I want to be. I will be a pillar of strength and a destination for those who yearn.

Freddy Martinez died a while ago with his delusions of grandeur about changing the world, but will be reborn into someone who sparks change from within his heart. A flicker that will spark and set ablaze this field of nihilistic apathetic weeds.

Midnight Introspection

Purchasing a twelve-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon was one of the best decisions I've ever mad. My affinity for drinking has grown exponentially. I've also been ingesting a copious amount of psychedelics in the past month, and I feel like I've made so much progress. I was going to write a trip report after watching my video of my trip. The only issue is that I can't get myself to watch it. I was babbling like an infant with no filter. Any thought came rushing through my mind and flowed through my mouth. I feel good, great even. This feeling of content has been long awaited, but I'm not going to sit here and talk about how happy I am, because I've identified that there is always something missing. I don't think I will ever truly be happy, or satisfied with anything that I do. Once I accomplish the things I wish to accomplish, I'm onto the next. It's disgusting that I have found myself in this postilion. I want to be content, I want to enjoy the minimal, but I've wired my brain in such a manner after all the bad habits. The psychedelics have been placed on a pedestal by me. Thinking or even believing that I'm not capable of achieving these breakthroughs using my own psyche. I suppose the most paramount breakthrough I've made is finally internalizing that life is about the journey and not the destination. Taking it all in, enjoying it, hating it, going through all the ups and down that have blessed my breathing vessel. Every pulse that courses through me is a gift not to be taken for granted. My issue is that I sit here, spewing my hypocrisy. I want it now, my instant gratification needs to be settled. Sex, drugs, food. Give me all the chemicals I can possibly distribute through my brain. Dopamine is my queen now. I want to continue to make breakthroughs but I've never be satisfied. I must identify how to conquer this glutton in me. Maybe that's where my issue is. Constantly trying to stick my manhood into things and handling it that way. Accepting who I am is easy to say but nearly impossible to do. I'm a self-driven, egotistic, go-getter and I have no way of stopping it. I love being a lazy ass, constantly rushing because I push my limits to the very max. My creative process is plagued by being as fickle as lady luck. One day I'll buckle down, but today is not the day and that's okay.

All or nothing-- Finally.

I didn't realize the severity of the situation that involved pitting the possible love of my life, and best friend on the line for my gambling. It's sinking in after the alcohol settled. I mentioned it before, but I didn't get the reception that I was looking for. It was me, pleading to myself to create some stakes. High stakes, risks, and pitting it all on a chance is how I've learned to live my life. Hard work and consistency have never been something I was good at. I searched for a career choice that I could excel at, but here I go burning up my money because I lack the only skill left to master-- patience. I'm terrified about losing you, but I it's time to put my money where my mouth it. Six months sounds like an eternity to me. My heart rate begins to rise when I think of it happening. I know I'm capable of letting the monster take over and blow everything that I've worked for. In terms of odds, I think a clear minded, and broke Freddy has a chance to overcome this easily, but once the money starts coming in again, it begins to get difficult. Difficult to fight the voices telling me to go, shuffle some chips and get to work-- you know you'll get lucky, you always do. I'm going to do my best to not ruin one of the most precious things to me. I can't chalk up how much disdain I have for being so dramatic. I can do this. I know I can. The only positive my mind can come up with is how much I'll actually be able to save.

4/8/18

Getting stronger, but still miserable. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with anything that I accomplish in life. Everyone is getting older and I still haven't made it. I always told myself that I want to be affluent so I could take care of my family and not have them worry about shit. After my last trip I was disgusted with myself. I'm still beating myself over it, but I suppose all that I went through last year has placed me in the position I am now. I honed my crafts of trucking, and playing poker. I can't wait to leave the house, but I'm conflicted because everything will be on my parents shoulders even more than it is now. Running away in pursuit of my happiness, and my proper home. Is it really the answer? I've free-loaded this long and still have nothing to show for it. Hanging out with everyone just shows me that I'm still the same old kid. Incredibly impulsive, irresponsible, and ultimately unreliable. These goals I set eventually get taken care of and accomplished, it's just a matter of time is my catch phrase. Then what happens when the punchline doesn't come through? You get back on the horse, again, and again. There is no answer besides continuing to push through. It's excruciating to continue living this cycle. I've been plagued by the saying, two steps forwards one step back. Still progress but it's as if there is a ball and chain connected to me. My self-sabotage will catch up to me eventually.

Somber Bike Rides

Hello my old friend. Seems like an eternity since I've seen your face.I'm not in a predicament aside from the quicksand created by my shortcomings. At least it's never boring, right?

I'm on my way to living the life I want to live. I just keep hitting these pesky road blocks. I have everything under control for the most part. Got a new job, proved I can grind the live poker sessions successfully, and continue nurturing my relationships. Becoming more responsible, but I still have a few more months to get this system smooth. I am happy. I just finished riding my bike because I said I would. Watching Ping Pong made me realize I can't shake this feeling of being a hero. I wasn't blessed with high stature, or giant muscles, but I can make due with my actions. I want to continue living how I'm living because it's the only way I can see myself being an inspirational individual. There was no goal with this post but I wanted to add another marker on this aimless blog. Reading the past entries really got to me, and added even more weight to my progress.

I took a big hit last Thursday because I donked off my baby bankroll after being tilted from busting out of tournament. I have a new policy when it comes to that so I can put my countermeasures to work. It was just frustrating wasting my week and a half worth of progress in one night. I know it's not the first time but I thought I put it past myself. My tilted alter-ego is very powerful, and can be the demise of me if I feed it. I identified my depression habits because it was so obvious. I haven't busted out and felt like a total loser in a long time. I binge on everything in sight-- food, alcohol, anime, and just self-indulgent behavior. I've set out my goals for the next 3-4 months and I plan on hitting all of them. Cheers to taming the beast. Going to try to run up my last 80 dollars tonight. I know it's a terrible idea, but if I don't do it now, there is no monies until Wednesday. Ganbette!

So close you can taste it

It's been too long since I've vomited onto this blank space.

I'm... Okay. I'm still struggling internally with everything every second of the day. I've been going back to smoking once a month or so to make sure it's out of my system come drug tests. I've been smoking cigarettes a lot more and vaping. Nicotine has a considerable hold onto my balls at this point. I definitely need stimulants and I've come to terms with it. Moderation is not something that seems compatible. Ah moderation, the driving reason for my downward spiral in every avenue. I've gone from accepting my compulsive gambling problem to trying to turn it around and making it work for me. It's so fucking difficult. It's ruined my fucking life, but it’s not going to be another thing I give up on. It's changed who I am as a person. I can't even sit still sometimes without losing my mind thinking of the terrible decisions I’ve made. I truly feel as if something takes over sometimes. I've been getting closer and closer to being able to get up and identifying my limits. I would say a few more months of sticking to my plans and I’ll get a proper profitable system down.


During my truck driving schooling my mom brought something to light that I didn't occur to me but I've felt it for a while. She asked what happened to me, because I used to be so smart. It took a bit to set in but it finally hit me. I went home for the weekend, and I forgot the two mandatory necessities-- my paper license and medical paperwork. Thankfully she came in clutch and drove the hour and a half just to drop it off. What happened to me is that my carelessness hasn't gotten any better with age. It's grown significantly worse. I used to be able to focus and stay driven, but my attention span and short term is abysmal now. This cycle of failures and inconsistencies built a subconscious impasse that I can’t blast through. It’s made me live so lethargically and that’s nowhere near who I am or even want to be. I wanted to do so many things in the past. I’ve accepted that I'm not going to change the world in a magnificent way. Shit at this point I just want to wake up and be genuinely happy. I’ve learned that it manifests when I help people. It’s definitely a double edged sword since I’ve pushed everyone away and I ultimately needed them. I went to meet up with some good friends I haven’t seen in a while and it really lightened my mood up. Then it dropped back down because the discussion focused on my stream. They just reinforced what I already know and made me kick myself in the ass more. I built my baby up and just let it crumble. I could’ve transitioned into commentary to add to the growing audience. It’s extra salt in the wounds seeing everyone achieving the success that could’ve been mine if I stuck with it, but alas, it’s time to move on. It will definitely be on the list of goals for the future, but I have to build myself up to that point.

Schism

So much has happened and I've neglected what seems to be everything... Especially myself. I've pushed aside how I feel and that's where my self expression was funneled into content. I neglect and then pour into writings or recordings. Since I stopped doing that again I've felt this overwhelming apathy. Maybe I could even say sadness. I've buried myself in debt via payday loans and credit thinking that I was going to get rich quick. Here's the kicker-- I did, and then threw it away every single time. I've discovered an unrelenting greed deep within my heart. I want it all and it shows in my decisions. Every session I've made plenty of money for someone to say, "I'm good, I'll probably be going now." No, not fucking Freddy. Of course you have to have more, and potentially lose it all. Every. Fucking. Time. I dedicated this year subconsciously and actively to gambling. I understand Poker and Blackjack exponentially, and I can profit on each respectively. The only downside is that you're gambling, and when there is a random outcome, there is no always winning. I get so full of myself thinking that I'm unstoppable.


Not to dwell too much on that, although it has been the main cause of my strife. I fucked up one too many times at work, and I had to step down from leadership. I feel empty when I go to work now. I mattered before, I made decisions, and held it down. Even if I don't feel complete anymore, I learned once again that my carelessness will be the death of me. It will follow me until I die if I don't get it under control. "chill" is one of my favorite expressions because I don't think life is that serious. The thing is you have to adjust when the time comes. Sure it really isn't that serious in reality, but when you're not in a position of power, you fucking handle it. You were always too serious, and overly cautious with everyday being a test. It showed, and reminded me everyday that I don't want to end up like that. I show up, do my job, and try not to be a complete lazy ass. Lets stay a year or more and start looking again. I truly want to pursue poker and gambling but there needs to be such a refinement on my self control for it to work out.

I got a new car recently and I think it's exactly what I need. It's going to keep me structured, because I'll have to be absolutely committed, because I can't push off payments. I was thinking recently to filing bankruptcy, but in the grand scheme of everything, I'm not even that deep. Drowning is how I've described the past few months. Having the floatation device puncture on me and slowly spit out the air inside-- tossing me to the depths of the sea with no return. I've let myself go again. I let everything get to me and eat away. Stop letting it happen. Stop faltering. I've said it countless times every time. Stop fucking faltering. Stop making shitty decisions when you know the answers. I know the pieces fit...

The Conscious Reanimation 1/11/16

Lets see where this takes us tonight...


I don't want to entertain anymore. I want to fall off the grid, dive into a trade, and enrich my livelihood. Here's the kicker: I can't. I have to be realistic, because you can't just disappear. I'm not there yet and I'm incredibly far from it. So the next best thing? Accomplish that new found skill or knowledge while I'm living the hectic life. The illusion that is one's perception of themselves has been revealed to me through all the content I've created. In reality I was never critical of myself. Sure, I was conscious of my mistakes, and the bad habits that formed-- that's everyone though. Successful people pinpoint the errors and fix it. Let this be my red pen to the pages. I will edit my life, logically, and permanently. There won't be anymore room for setbacks. It's time to grow up and get shit done. That doesn't necessarily mean i can't have fun anymore, but things have to change. I am in the situation that I'm at because the decisions I made, my own actions, and I've chosen to be bad. I'm constantly torn between making decisions, therefore I never get anything done. Sure I want to do this, and that, but what will I actually accomplish if I don't sit down and work at it? The master of beginning and never finishing. The sad reality that occurred recently was that I find comfort in food because it's the only thing I can actually finish. It's easy. I gravitate to things that are easy, and not better. Why challenge my brain? What are the benefits when I could partake in this activity that stimulates me and tricks myself into believing that I'm accomplishing something? It's time to do things I love-- which will not be disclosed, because I want to be sure of it in my heart. When I get to the paper I lie to myself, telling myself things I want to hear or do, but this is no longer the case. I still struggle to not succumb to choking in dire situations... My heart rate pulsates sporadically , my hands tremble, my left eye begins twitching, and my decision making gets hazy. I make remarks to let it out--to get the nervousness to go away. If I can't conquer it, then I'll accomplish it by bluffing until it becomes a reality, right? No more saying things you don't mean, because we're tackling it all. Say no, and mean it. Today will be the last day being bad. This is not a new-years resolution. This is a conscious effort at becoming a better person, and staying that way. There is no time limit or price you can put on it. I will think smarter, make better decisions, and cash in on opportunities when they are presented to me. The hardest step is the first, then the one after that, and the one after that is even harder. I know I'm going to fuck up, a lot, but it doesn't mean I failed. I'll just be closer and closer to who and where I want to be. Lets go Freddy-- the world is waiting for you.

2015: Loss and rejection only make you stronger~

I hate opening this page... I know I need to jot down things for the digital records, but I don't want to because I can never finish it. I've been writing heavily in my journal, but it's a different outlet than this blog. I can't drop the intimacies of my brain here. It's not safe-- it's prone to be scrutinized and exploited. It's been a little more than a year since I've written the first entry during my father's passing. So much has unfolded in front of me, and it won't stop. Life has no constants unless you put in endless amounts of nurturing and effort. Quite frankly... I don't care anymore. If things fall through, they'll fall through. I put in my time and work. Hopefully past relationships can come around again, but it's so high maintenance. These drugs really fucked me up. I'll be the first to admit it, unfortunately. My perception has been altered exponentially. Now it sounds as if I'm putting a negative light on it, but it's indeed a positive one. I've finally had it with negative relationships, and things not going the way I want them to go. You don't like something? Do something about it. You don't like someone? Get rid of them. You are the master of what happens in life. If you wallow away in self-pity, guess what happens? N o t h i n g. Get the fuck up and do something. I'm so fucking tired of seeing so many people do nothing because they don't want to, or are too scared to live. That's what life is; you fail, fail, fail, and most likely fail again. Then finally you're at the end, and you ask yourself: "why go on?" You're destined to be great! Why limit yourself because of mental instabilities? You must break through. I've finished giving up. 2015 was the year to figure it all out, and the funny part is that I actually haven't figured out much, but I'm finally on the road to self-fulfillment. It's great, because I've finally learned how to be alive. Sure, maybe I've discovered how possessive, controlling, and how prone I am to stimulants because of my addictive personality. All negatives for the most part, but that's me, it's who makes me Freddy "Pragmag" Martinez. A big-hearted, generous, and ultimately shit-headed individual with good intentions. I've accepted that I will self-sabotage relationships subconsciously, because I know I don't want to hurt people with giving them false hope. It's an easy cop-out to fall back on my biological father being a suave guy who just slept around and lived a life of no commitment. But the more and more that time goes on, I realize that's what's going to happen. Maybe I will find someone, quite possibly even the "one". The thing is, I don't even believe in that anymore. You just settle for who makes your heart pump and your cock thump.

2016 is going to be filled with new adventures, sights, and people to share good times with. I will only come closer to who I want to be. The real me, the one who reflects my passionate soul that burns for the opportunity to help people. What a time to be alive.

SoCal Regionals Recap & Thoughts

I have never felt this sick to my stomach in my life before. I lost last round, last game, and last pixel. It was the scramble and I chocked. I lost my composure and freaked out, because Zangief is a fucking monster. You can never stand still against him, because he will close the gap if you get comfortable. I played so well... I practiced hours on end to figure out the ins-and-outs of the matchup.

Then I failed.

I didn't get to move on and possibly play Momochi on the stream. I was so fucking disappointed in myself, and got to a really bad place mentally. I felt so fucking defeated and the only thing I could think of was to put on my headphones and blast music. I wanted to quit Street Fighter at that exact moment. I wished I could get back all the time, money, and effort I had put into the game. What a fucking joke. Just before I was ready to wallow in perpetual self-pity, I got called for my second match in the losers bracket. Lo and behold-- a fellow Dudley appeared! I chuckled to myself, because I thought it was exactly what I needed to combat my mental-suicide. This is my most played and well known match-up. We were about the same skill level, with my pressure proving to be stronger. The slug-fest was quite a spectacle, because it was such a messy looking match. I won, and we shared some words after. So I thought to myself, "cool, I can still make it out of pools if I try hard enough." Then my next match ended so quickly because I was put on tilt so fast by this Rose player. That match-up forces something inside me to crack from the foundation. All she does is run, run, and poke at you until you're frustrated. I have so many tools to deal with her but she still proves to be a persistent nuisance. The mentality came again and I had to leave the venue to cool off. Constant defeat is a concept that I've tried to understand how to combat effectively, but it will always take a toll on your psyche. The thing that I've taken from it all is that you have to come back stronger. Blast through the glass ceiling that are your limitations. You can't give up, because you'll have wasted the opportunity to be the best you could be.

After recovering, I went to go watch the stream matches, and I never would've imagined what I was about to discover. The side-bets that take place during these matches is so entertaining. I became engulfed in these gambling sessions. I was so engaged by the matches because my money was riding on it. The energy conjured up by cheering for your player to provide positive energy is impossible to understand unless you were there. I amassed so much money betting on the ponies. I realized at that moment that gambling was now on my radar for possible addictions to be wary of. Taking money from top players that I have been watching for years was so fucking satisfying. To add to this, I truly believe I have luck on my side when it comes to 50/50's. I was putting gas when I stopped for a slushie, and I decided to buy a scratcher when I was checking out. I paid five dollars and I got fifty bucks! I was so excited that I offered the clerk five bucks because he told me to buy that brand of scratcher. I actually bought another one when I got home because I stopped at the bank, and I believe I got ten bucks but I'll scan it later and find out. I won't become addicted to gambling, but there is definitely money to be made with smart bets.

I started money matching and playing random people, and I'm good. My character needs to get in, stay in, and I need to work on not dropping shit. I will prepare regimes for specific scenarios and also on specific characters. All I'm missing now is experience, and it's painstakingly obvious. I will become a top player in this year to come because I am surrounded by enough talent that I have no reason but lack of dedication. I'm so close that I can taste it.

The event itself was alright. The lack of set-ups and the fact that it was PS4 was a bummer. I literally used my stick about an hour then the rest of the matches were everyone's stick but mine. One thing that really bothered me all tournament was that there was this girl who works as a translator for Japanese ports, and I was so reluctant to go up and talk to her. I talked to her during SCR Prelude 2 and it was nice, but I just feel like a lame trying to be thirsty during a convention type setting. I think she was expecting me to go up and talk to her because we kept finding ourselves locking gazes and quickly shifting our vision in embarrassment. This was definitely my biggest regret, because I always tell myself to not go for it for some reason. There were three days to at least approach her, and make an effort. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm still in the transitional period of moving on mentally, or an actual lack in confidence on my approach-game. I had such a fucking blast though. I am so glad that my circle is full of quality people. One problem I always ran into were making friends with people who didn't have my best interests in mind like I did for them. I will continue to travel with these people and we will continue to help each other along the way. Next major is in San Diego and we're already in talks for another trip.

Oh, wow, I almost forgot to touch on Street Fighter V! The game is ridiculously fun, and I actually was gate-keeper for a few sets. R. Mika is ridiculously strong and I had a blast having a 50/50 grab game. the pace of the game is so strange. I feel as though my lack of fundamentals definitely shows because it's a footsie-orientated game. But it feels about .7 faster than Ultra. I'm incredibly excited that I got the opportunity to play Laura too! She was really strange. I honestly feel as though there are way too many grapplers in this game already. She definitely feels unique to the franchise though. The no hard knock-downs is also something that you need to get used to. Hopefully when it comes out I'll be able to stream it efficiently!

2015 Thus Far: The Year of Creative Destruction

I am always so reluctant to write, but I know it's always the answer. You are the master, because you choose what to put down, and how to dissect it-- it's magical. The ability to portray words, emotions, experiences and even have someone connect or be moved by it. I've always wanted to do something but I've never figured it out completely. I never had people tell me you could be good at something, so I always felt mediocre because that's what I produced. I put a certain amount of effort into things, failed, and then told myself that there wasn't anything I could do about it. I fell into complacency with the ol', "oh at least I tried" bullshit. I continued the cycle until I was old enough to realize that that's not how you get anywhere. The only way you get good at something is when you become tenacious, and grow hungrier by overcoming the boredom and failures. I've said it time and time before, but I'm too stubborn to accept things sometimes. Mastery by Robert Greene has shown me so much already. It's a perfect book for my current situation. I'm learning about learning. I'm not even half-way through and already I'm being shown the secrets to learning and the way that "masters" had acquired their place in history. The biggest lesson so far is you must find what makes you happy. It's reminiscent to that child-like excitement and sense of wonder. If you are doing something that fills you with the joy of a child, then that is where you must pursue that career. With that knowledge I realized that I don't really find that feeling until I stimulate myself with conversation and intimacy with people. Growing relationships and putting your soul into someone because you care for them. I've come to realize that that is my forte: human relations. I'm both an extrovert and introvert. I love to expend my energy while hanging out, and putting my all into the day. Then I also like just cuddling up in bed and watching a movie or reading a good book. Both are essential to survive or else you'll burn out, which I discovered later in life. You can't give too much of yourself or else you'll just grow bitter or get too accustomed to the life style. Where I’m getting with this is that I've finally realized what I want to study. I think the ever so fascinating creatures that have plagued this world with its existence will be where I find my career. No psychology, because I can help people with their problems without a degree. I've realized that I actually want to go back to school, while focusing on sociology or human resources. I've been going around life so wrong this year. I'm sitting back reading my notes, my blogs, my videos. All the information that I said I would keep so I wouldn't falter in my goals. The harsh reality is that I failed at all of them... Again. I didn't save like I wanted to. I didn't repair my relationship or focus on my family. I didn't become a top player, or the west coast Dudley. I haven't even taken the damn singing lessons, or touched the bass for more than an hour. Here is where it's not just a whiny ass entry. I tried and I have a lot of time to continue what I'm doing. I took the right steps towards all of these things.

I think I've realized my problem with the direction I’ve been leading. The constant attempts at accelerating where I want to be. Hard work and planning should be the only ingredients involved. I have always tried to get ahead and then I ponder why I failed. Selling drugs, and being too pushy because it's not going my way with a relationship. Credit is the biggest lesson I've learned this year. You want something that you don't have the resources to buy yet. So you take the hit, because you'll eventually pay it off. The downside is that you'll actually pay more because you didn't end up saving for it instead. I constantly search for opportunities instead of relying on what has been given and working with my resources at hand. The passage that stood out to me the most in The Alchemist was, "Never bargain with someone using something that you don’t yet possess." The reason it resonated was because that's what I've been doing in every aspect of my life. I sit there negotiating with false promises and hopes such as a place to stay or using the word soon. I don't have anything to my name besides a damn red bull machine and a computer. I know I shouldn't be so materialistic but I have to work on not being in such a shitty situation.

I am trapped in this house and my situation will only get better by leaving everything. I want to, but I can't carry out these decisions with no capital. I also realized that my family is hurting my mentality so damn much. I always want a symbiotic relationship in life-- you help me and I'll help you-- good right? Well for some reason I can't ever get that from my family. You hold things over me, and you always want to feel so powerful when you take things away. I wonder how much of a rise you would get if I finally said you're right. I hate constantly having to prove that I'm not doing any drugs. I'm not even willing to have a discussion on the matter because you already have your pre-conceived notion that I'm high. You don't understand anything and never really have. The main reason and I've been wanting to leave because I've been suffocating. No longer are my thoughts clear. I just feel like an angsty teen all over again. I leave the house in search of clarity and to read. I was going to dip out on the loan I graciously received but then I remembered that I said I would pay it off regardless of what happens. Now I know what I have to do and how to get there. There are no more excuses. I am going to be twenty-one and I'm not going to be a burn out. I will buckle down and handle business. I will continue to pursue things and I’ll jot them down. It’s actually endearing because I told myself this almost a year ago and I feel good about it.

Finances: Put any amount of money you can into Chase and savings. Goal every months is to have at least 200 in each one by the end of the months.

Work: I told myself I would not be making minimum wage by the end of the year. If not, it’s okay. Continue looking and network more at work. Make the most of the position that you’re at. My hours are set so it opens room for schooling.

School: Debate with myself and decide if I’ll knuckle down to knock out classes.

Transportation: Save for Saul’s bike. Purchase any time before February. It’s economic and it will get you by. An additional car wouldn’t hurt but you have to save up for that one. Maybe Jeep life will become a reality.

Living situation: Out of the house by February as well. Have at least $2000 saved for deposit and breathing room.

Fitness: Get body fat down. Stop being a fat ass and stuffing your mouth unnecessarily. Don’t forget to work on strengthening your grip for improving your shitty wrist.

Bass and singing: Thirty minutes to bass at least 3-4 times a day. Continue diaphragm exercises and book lessons. $25 every half-hour. At least 2 sessions every month.

Competitive scene & networking: Continue networking and making a name for yourself. You’re in the right direction. Just have to work on execution. You will make a splash and be remembered. Make it out to every major possible.

Stream: I will put this at the end because I’m not entirely sure if I want to continue pursuing this. I’ve gone this far. Why quit? Something has to change. I will be streaming games that aren’t street fighter because I can’t stand playing online. Stream at least 3-4 times a week.

Don’t faulter. You’ll only let yourself down and wonder what happened.

Dear Momma

I find myself so often making the toughest decisions. I was always told to work/think smarter and not harder. So I'm wondering why am I making the decisions that I'm making? Reflecting back to my childhood, I would deliberately do what my mom said not to do just to spite her. You can call it rebellion, but I've finally had it. My home-life reeks of exasperation. Everything I do is wrong. Never have I made them proud, and I'm okay with it, because I'm going against the grain and learning. I will do things in my own way and show them that it's not all about their traditional view. I can't go to school-- I refuse to have you go into debt even more then you are. Everything is about bills and how we don't have enough money. No support, and constant let downs. I'm incredibly grateful that you're here, because I get to see you, hear you, talk to you, but I can't get myself to live with you anymore. I'm just a giant asshole to all of you now and it breaks my heart. I don't mean to but I just get so angry. I got emotional today when this customer started humming to her children. I still remember the tune you sang to me to settle me down when I got fussy and it sounded so similar. I know how much you put into me-- all the love, all the reading, you tried to give me the best you could, and you did. The thing is, along with all that came unrealistic ideals that will never come to fruition. I tried to be smart for you, I tried to be like the other kids, but I never could. That's the problem I've been telling you all along. We are not normal, at all. We have been through so much, lost so many people, and I feel as though you haven't learned anything at all. You gave me your heart when you had me, and all I've ever given you is disrespect and disobedience. I'm glad this all happened. Falling out isn't the best way to go about things, but I've noticed that it brings the longest lasting results. I don't think I'll ever make you proud in the way that you wanted, but I will be successful and happy in my own way. One day I hope that you will respect what I'm doing because I will never be a doctor, or a lawyer, or any of those stereotypical successful jobs. I'm not completely confident about the decisions I'm making, but I know it will work out because I will make it. One day I'll show you how much I appreciated it all. I love you, but it's time to be the man I was brought up to be. I always told you that I would change the world, and I will-- it is written.

The Journey of an Adolescent Guru

I haven't written in so long because I started to express myself with my words in a improvised manner on video. It's so different than sitting here, writting, revising, and then coming up with a finished product. I get to contemplate things here, make sure I get the details I want jammed into the sentence. Where as if I want to say something live, I might not always convey the emotion or correct diction. It is incredibly challenging because the power of editing can't alter the actual recording. I can't add or tell myself to say something differently. All in all, it's a great process. I make a layout with notes and then wing the rest of it with a story, thought, or tangent. I am able to convey my messages better since people don't read as much as they watch things hours on end. I will stimulate an audience in many ways, music, literature, and entertainment through streaming content. I want to do it all, and do it well. I'm realizing my destiny every single day and the flame of my soul grows stronger as I accomplish my goals. What a magnificent time to be alive.

The reason I wanted to write today is because I've finally realized what it is to live. It came as a response to a discussion I had with someone, because I couldn't find the words to describe my thoughts on the subject until now. The way that I figured it out was looking at why people leave, and what you can do about it aside from closing up your heart. Life is about living in the moment and putting everything you have into someone or something. You know when you're in "love" or have a really good friendship? Well people are in your life for seasons as they say. And in those moments, people are incredibly genuine. Sure they might leave you once the season is over, but time stood still, and they were your world. Those memories are irreplaceable and that's the only way you'll lead a fulfilling life. I used to be bitter about people leaving me so often but I know I'll always choose to love someone than to be safe and not create new experiences.

You don't have to be alone in the cold world-- people can warm you with a compassionate soul. No one will be with you forever and it's something that you have to accept. What you can accept easier is that people want to be your friend, but you make them earn the right to understand you. You don't have to let them all in, just the ones that you find special. You don't have to be scared, there will always be someone to catch you, and it won't be a snake veiled behind a caring face. Don't revert; you're the one who told me to stop starting over. One step forward and two steps back right to where you started. No matter how much I try, it won't make a difference if you don't stop yourself. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me-- since you're so selfless, it would actually be a practical strategy to combat the madness that is your psyche.

Every experience is so special and precious to me. I remember every experience, every stranger, or whomever has graced me with their presence or time. I had a really heartwarming experience the other day. It made me really emotional because it's always the people who can't do anything for someone else that need the most help. I don't want to say "useless" but I think powerless or incapable is more fitting. Society labels them as handicap because they need special accommodations for everyday tasks that "normal" people could accomplish with no problem. I was almost done with my day at my first job at the ice cream shop, when suddenly I got a phone call from my second job. They asked me to come in, so I said why not since the rest of this year is just grind time with the focus on paying off my debt. So I get home, change, and head out to walk to work. As I'm about a block away-- I see him, Jawan. The block gets cut off on that street because there is a desert still due to no businesses being built yet. (side note, maybe I'll petition to complete the sidewalk in that area.) But I saw him in a electric wheelchair where the desert ends and the block begins. It was dark and it looked as if he was looking for someone to come along. So I crossed the street to him and the first thing that I learned was that he couldn't speak. I also noticed that he was missing a leg, poor guy. But what I thought at first was that the wheelchair was dead and that he couldn't drive over. Then I noticed that the sidewalk is way too high after the desert ends for the wheels to go over. So easy fix right? Just help him traverse the gap by pushing it. It wasn't possible because the wheels couldn't get enough traction or speed to make it. After about ten minutes of struggling because I wasn't really using my brain. I had to come up with a different strategy. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck it, you're strong enough to do this, time to shimmy!." Finally I managed to get it over and he looked so happy, and I told him that I needed to go to work so we could walk and talk. He showed me a number on his phone and I called his mother. She sounded hysterical so I just got to the point and said that her son will be at my work and that he's okay. I found out that he lost his voice from smoking and apparently no one came by to help him for a few hours (I found him him at around eight so it was already pretty dark at that point.) This experience made me realize that I need to learn sign language because it opens the possibility to help communicate with so many people. What ended up happening with Jawan is, apparently he ran away and everyone was looking for him all afternoon since he wasn't picking up his phone. Everyone was really mad at him and couldn't focus on the fact that they should be grateful that he was okay. I heard them shouting at him from inside my job so I went outside to make sure everything was okay. His mother started bawling her eyes out and thanking me. The genuine emotion and gratitude caught me off guard so I had to catch myself from tearing up. I was looking at Jawan's eyes while he was being scolded, and what I saw was a yearning for freedom and independence extinguished with the cold reality that it wouldn't be possible... It was really sad, but I gave him a handshake and told him to take care of himself, and that I know our paths would cross again. He smiled and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I altered the possibility of him being stranded all night.

I'm going to be using this again. I think I took a long enough break from sharing my experiences to learn that I need to document it for myself. The vlogs are special but it can't satisfy the yearning for writing. Till the next one, Namaste~

Patience doesn't mean you sit and wait for a deal

Hmmm. This month started out on a progress-orientated path. It's due to the fire finally being under my ass. It's make it or break it time. I have the money I need to invest and I need to pay it back in full by six months. I need to make payments of 500 if I want to pay it on time. I have no job guaranteed at Sygma since it fell through, and now I have a goal to accomplish. I want to be stable by the end of the year. Not just for myself but because I want to further my "relationship". Now I know, it's stupid to plan things around other people, but it's more like an addition or reward for getting myself on a stable track. I'm applying to places where I might have a future due to the room for advancement. I will be an entrepreneur one day and I really think it's going to happen soon if I manage myself correctly. Freddy Martinez, the grand loser turned successful philanthropist-- I like it.

I've realized recently that my stream career won't go anywhere unless I start jumping on the top games bandwagon. As much as I love my street fighter following. It won't do anything for me until I actually start getting some exposure by going to majors and not just UGC. Which I actually have been making a buzz in my scene. So many people have admitted that they've seen me stream and it's so cool that my hard work is paying off. I keep playing against top players at my tournament first round so it's a bit daunting but I'll persevere. I'm attempting to catch onto habits as fast as possible since I only have one game of data. My hard reads prove to be quite formidable. I'm so excited for my first major since my jitters have gone away for the most part.

I feel so stupid. I'm literally going the opposite direction of where I want to be mentally. I'm going to be taking a hiatus from the Internet and I'll see where that gets me. I started out saying that the burning desire was there but it fizzled out due to my wisdom teeth surgery setting me back so much. I feel so scatterbrained. I've realized I manifest so many problems and make mountains out of anthills. Expressing myself vocally and writing shows how much I don't learn from my mistakes. I learn better from other's mistakes because I don't truly embrace myself. I know I put my flaws and problems out there but it's the ones I don't address that bring the dominant problems. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm a jealous possessive narcissist who attempts everything and finishes nothing. I get so mad at the people I care about and act brash. Brash seems to be how I'm handling personal affairs lately. I don't see what I want happening, so my mindset turns to aggression or I completely move on from it because I know I won't get my way. Compromise is powerful-- so strong that I can't fully utilize it yet. I stopped using my words because I attempted to be a man of action, but what's left when action falls short? Hollow words of reassurance and shortcomings attempting to bandage the wounds created. I used to think stepping away from the problems was always the best answer but now I know I need to be the strategist that I want to be. I need to actually be pragmatic as I chose my name to represent. Let's make it work Freddy.

On that note-- I'm making it happen. I'm leaving by the end of June and I'm ready. I got my interview on Friday for best buys mobile services. Now I know-- that's not what you said was going to happen Freddy. Listen, I got an opportunity from a friend I helped out a couple of years back and from the looks of it, I can nail this, get my experience, and then move on to Verizon. Getting experience and an opportunity for advancement within a company is very appealing to me since I've always worked for small businesses. I've had it with labor, if I'm not going to school, "I am going to have to be smart in the other way." Plus working hard physically isn't going to benefit my health in the long run. I want to run with my kids and then grandkids. I guess that's me realizing I don't want to die by thirty fighting the good fight, I want to truly build the empire I said I would. I am taking the first steps, which is to plan. I have established some long term goals I eventually want to get to, and ironically enough, these were brought to my attention by my good friends. It's time to save so I can actually invest in the endeavors that I want.

So many things are going to happen but I'm getting so impatient. It's crazy how much time has elapsed already since I actually started writing to keep track of things. It's almost eight months... Anyway, I'm going to be moving in with my friend Alfonso in August and it's going to be so cheap and totally possible to save up. I've moved out a couple of times before but this is it. True independence-- no living under someone else and having that safety net. It's time to prosper, handle my money, manage my time for personal and social affairs. It's going to be up to me, all me, and I get to finally establish that relationship with my parents. I've heard you can't really be friends with your parents while you're under their roof and I definitely understand that. I'm coming at my mom very responsibly now due to the loan that she pulled out, and it's already such a better dynamic. Slowly we will get there, because results are better than no progress. A man of tomorrow gets nothing done today.

PS: I'm going to start doing Vlogs and here is the first one if you haven't seen it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaDWIM3fXdk

All my Angles Are Right

Back at it again! The month of May is starting out on a good note. Mother's Day was an interesting day because a good amount happened. I don't really go to church anymore unless I want to be really nice to my parents or it's a holiday. The new church they're going to is actually a couple of blocks down the street so that's a nice change compared to being in the neighboring town. It unfortunately started on a bad note because they were ready to leave me because I woke up late. I got ready in five minutes so there was no need to pull out of the drive way. Those are the things that really bother me above all. My family is habitually late because our time management skills aren't the best. All the clocks in the house are set ten minutes forward so we have a time bumper for when we're actually late. Anyway, we get to the church and after the worship, the first thing the pastor talked about was same sex marriage. It put a sour taste in my mouth already. He spoke about it because he received different receptions about his lesson on it last week so he felt the need to address it. This country is going to be so fucking hard to unite because we're constantly split on everything. Religion and politics are always the touchy subjects because people are so adamant about standing by their views. ITS WRONG, IMMORAL, AND THEY SHOULD BE PURGED. I fucking hate the fact that they can sit there and talk for days of their loving God and then constantly make people feel like they're living their lives wrong. It was over and we went to a second service that was in Spanish. This one was so delightful on the other hand—a complete one-eighty. The community and tight knit groups that I loved about church stood out. We were greeted by so many people because they knew we were new. Worship was great, and they even had a five string bass player! The sermon was even on a different tone. It actually preached about empowering women and how even though they paint women as a weak, it's not true. After that they even had food for fellowship. I actually wouldn't mind returning to this service maybe a couple of times through the months. I know it would make my mom really happy.

My mother and pops went to go visit his past mother’s grave. So I stayed home and ran some more errands. Speaking of this subject. She asked me if we're ever going to see my father’s grave. I kind of gave her a stupid looking face and asked her what she was even asking. She already knows how Judy feels about it. (Judy is my middle sibling.) And I share that view with her. There isn't really a point in visiting besides reminiscing and cleaning up the grave. It's just people's obligations telling them they have to. I remember my father and I shouldn't have to prove it by visiting a tomb with a decomposing body that we spent thousands to bury. She even says she wouldn't want flowers on her grave because she wouldn't see it. That's why I've gotten into the habit of buying her flowers periodically.

I ended up buying my older sister Yvette a hundred dollar gift card for Saphora, a make up store, and then my mother a deep fryer. Now I know that sounds like a strange Mother's Day gift but you gotta understand—a deep fryer would make our lives so much easier. Haha! But that day I realized I'm horrible when it comes to gifts. I went out to buy wrapping paper and I didn’t even want to put the effort into wrapping the damn thing. I've always been broke around the holidays or birthdays because I act selfishly and my budgeting skills aren't the best. But I told myself I would do things differently this year. So it felt good to actually make people happy with my purchases. I’ve ran into someone who have given me a very perspective on special days such as birthdays and holidays. They don’t really celebrate them and don’t agree with the fact that you should buy them things or even make the day special. It was so hard to understand the concept because I was always brought up to at least use this day to show the appreciation because things always come up and it’s nice to show that you care for someone. Getting the gifts actually started turmoil between me and my sister Judy. Judy bought my mom and sister a hundred dollars’ worth on a gift card for Victoria’s secret because they’re expensive as shit. My mom told her she didn’t want anything from her because she didn’t want her to perpetuate her debt just so she could get something. But my sister did it anyway, out of obligation and wanting to buy something nice since that’s how she can express herself since she’s kind of mean sometimes. I told her that they probably would’ve been fine with a fifty dollar card each knowing that you didn’t use credit and just used your money.

Judy is physically handicapped and has been cursed to go through many struggles due to it. I won’t go into too many details but she had multiple surgeries when she was young so now she has a metal rod in her spine, and has to walk with braces on her legs and feet, along with shoe that is elevated two inches to even out her shorter leg. Growing up with my sister was hard because I saw the world for what it was-- judgmental and with no compassion or room for understanding. If something isn’t part of the norm it is considered broken, and it has to be “fixed” or will be shunned. I’ve always hated going out with my sister because the stares that people give are relentless, and it developed an anger issue due to having to tell people to say fuck off or say excuse me to break the stares. I walk proudly now after the years because I realized I have to be, but it was so difficult not to be affected. The one that gets me the most is when children stare, stare, and then turn to their parents to ask them a question about it. I can’t imagine how it must be for my sister to have grown up being so intelligent but being placed with mentally handicapped children because the system didn’t know how to go about it. Judy is actually the smartest person I know and ironically enough the most naïve. Judy has been getting on my nerves as of late because she graduated from college with a degree in creative writing last year and has done absolutely nothing with it. I told my mother recently that she has created an incredibly lazy and intelligent monster by being good mother, and providing everything/ catering to every need. I just recently started telling my mother to make her get up herself and do whatever she wants. If there isn’t food made, she will make it. If there isn’t anyone here to do something, she will do it. She lived with a roommate and independently when she was in college so I know she can do it. She can do anything in this world, it’s just the problem of finding her own ways of accomplishing them. One thing I’ve told myself since I’ve become so self-aware is that I will live my life to the fullest because it will be in my sister’s honor. I will run, jump, fly, skydive, swim, and most importantly live to my full potential for my sister because that’s the least I can do for her. I told her to start something because the internet is a great tool, and I’m sure that people would like to hear her opinion about things since she’s so damn vocal about them. I’m telling her to brainstorm and that she can use my equipment when she’s ready to make something. It’s going to come up soon hopefully. I’ll try to be more supportive.

Little Dragon was spectacular. I had fourty bucks to start off since I got my coins exchanged at work for cash. I put twenty in the tank, and I actually broke the twenty to get a bite to eat because I was starving from working earlier. I drove all the way up the observatory and found out that parking was twenty dollars and there were no negotiations or debit swipes. So what else would Freddy do? Park down the hill in a residential area and walk my ass up. I finally made it, and I have to say, it was the workout of my life. That hill leading to the Greek Theatre was so fucking steep. The funny part was that leg day was the day before so I was really feeling it. I ended up finally getting my ticket and I downed the shrooms that I bought for the show and guzzled down my brisk because I couldn’t bring it in. I finally made it, I made it front row, and there was another band playing, Hiatus Kaiyote. They had great energy and they were a neo-soul band so I was definitely digging it. This was one of my first concert experiences of this magnitude. It was magnificent to see such energies manifesting. Finally, it was time for Little Dragon to come up, and the scary part of the shrooms trip began pre-show setup. Schizophrenia is definitely a really scary thing and I can see how that’s an adverse effect of using these things in the wrong environment. I’ve been doing my research and it’s not a problem as long as you don’t do them so recurrently. The fact that I was willing to do them in a concert environment was kind of naïve of me, but it was definitely worth it. I just told myself to breath and I was focusing on lights because that’s really all I could do. I really wanted to sit down as well, but I didn’t want to lose my front row spot that I worked to get during the set before. Finally, the backdrop for Little Dragon came on and it was really psychedelic looking. The face was white and it would start to drip progressively during the show and it also had a checkered pattered on the right side. Yukimi came out, and it was a dream turned reality. I finally heard her voice live, and it was just so strange to have listened to these guys on my ipod for so many years, then finally learning that they’re a million times better live. I have a personal problem with dancing, it was mainly due to being overweight but now that I’ve been working on it I do feel a level of confidence. Man did I dance the whole night away, it was so strange, and the rhythm possessed my body because I didn’t stop until the end of the show. It was a blast! I felt in sync with the band, and the light show that they provided was excellent because it was in tandem with the music. I was still really high from the shrooms when they ended so I went down the never-ending hill and listened to my music. Never has the music playing on my ipod never been so good. Everything felt like a movie as I was going down the hill with the credits rolling, but the movie was far from over. I realized that every time I take shrooms, love becomes very apparent. I want to express love to the people I care about. I kept thinking about my family and then my love interest. I actually called my mom and it was great because we just talked and I expressed how much I cared for her. Maybe it’s bad that I only do these things under the influence of drugs but I know I was using them to get to this point. As I was walking down the hill these girls that were next to me being my backup singers walked next to me. They were from the UK and it was great talking to them. The boyfriend seemed a bit fed up about something but I think it was just because I was shining too hard from the shrooms. I finally got to the car and I called the one person I wanted to talk to. She has turned into what I told her to become apparently, which is a cheeky little munster who entertains me by keeping me on my toes, and making sure that I do the things I say I will do. It becomes pretty taxing sometimes but overall I appreciate the company of someone who seems to care about me. We actually spoke of the night and I realized it wasn’t actually exactly how I remembered. I said very vulgar things to her, and that’s not something she needs to hear. I vaguely remember saying that she makes me express passion and I think that’s where the train set off. I finally said I loved her though, which won’t get me anywhere at this point. But she helped me sober up before I went on my hour-long drive home. As I started to drive I realized that I wasn’t good yet, so I stopped at the gas station and I met this really good individual, Ricky. Right when I walked in, he was talking to this girl and they were both feeling each other and I could tell. We spoke about his business, why the ladies be bullshitting, and that we should hang out. We exchanged numbers and I actually want to network with this guy, it’s just hard because he’s in the booming city of LA. I actually got lost after I left because I went to Walgreens to buy my mom flowers and the GPS didn’t function correctly after that for some reason. I got back on track and finally got home safely though! Overall it was an incredible experience and I would love to go see them live in their native country, Sweden, sometime in the future.

I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to articulate anything. It’s actually due to my editor being in his own problems so he can’t really push me or actually edit them. But proofreading and actually editing for myself is good to do since I skipped that step when I sent them to him. My new mentor, Garrett, is a really genuine individual. I have to thank him for being there for me when I have concerns and being able to counsel with him. It’s crazy seeing how much time has passed since I’ve met him, and how bad of a player I used to be. He is on my list of people I will meet thanks to the internet, and it’ll be a great to be able to see Green Ol’ Oregon as a bonus.

Lots of personal problems happened this month. I was attempting to convince my mother to get a loan so I could start some type of investment towards my financial future. She was so worried about everything, and that’s one thing that irritates me about my mother. She is incredibly indecisive about everything and can’t make decisions without second guessing herself or getting someone’s input. I understand it’s hard and you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but decisions have to be made especially if no one decides. She came at me really raw, which is good, and I told her I appreciate her concern but she needs to shift the focus to my sister. She said, you act like you know everything, school isn’t even on your list, you’re still doing drugs, you’re not sleeping like you should, and you’re not getting anywhere in life—you’re almost twenty-one! You can’t wait for someone to give you a job, you have to go out and get it. It’s true, I have been waiting on Sam because I assumed it would be a sure thing. But what it looks like is that maybe it’s actually not going to go through until later months unfortunately. I’m going to start applying places and hopefully I can get something. It’s just really hard in this city. I don’t want to leave it but if things don’t start changing I might try somewhere else. I feel stuck, I kept telling myself things will work out and just be patient, but I am getting incredibly impatient. I’ve been working on everything from within except actually getting a good job. I honestly don’t mind giving myself up for full time, but it’s only shitty jobs with shitty pay. I am clean so there isn’t really a barrier now. I’ve been working on everything I could work on and I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a rut because it would’ve happened now but I just want to vocalize this defeat. It sucks being so powerless when trying to convey a powerful front. I said I would leave my job by the end of the month and then I realized it wasn’t because I was planning anything. I just did what Freddy always does and have a general guideline then I normally stray from it, then fumble, then finally realize that I was being a fool from the beginning. June will be different, I will die trying. Thirty days to make it happen. There has been a lack of burning desire, and I think it’s because I’m in such a safe environment and I can get away with not actually doing anything. I’m not really contributing at all to this home because my hours were ass last month.

I don’t want to keep writing because these are getting too long. I’ll do my best to do the bi-weekly entries, I just have to make sure I write something.
So find a new job by the end of June. 
Find something to invest the money 
No 0-2 at UGC 
Don’t falter from working out 
Make long-term goals and write them out 
Communicate things better 
Schedule the singing lessons 
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY

God Complex

I want to start this off with me stating that this is going to turn into an unfiltered documentation. It was normally written in the sense of accomplishment and concerns. But I feel like I just need to spill it all on the canvas to see its true beauty---

Self-expression is such a puzzling concept. It allows you to truly discover who you are, or what you like. The only problem is that society seems to not like the nitty gritty. The negative, the hard work that needs to happen to get to the beautiful. People wait for their debut into the limelight when they feel ready because first impressions are everything. No one wants to see a bum make it to stardom. In reality they do, but the problem is that they're not invested in that bum to see the journey through. I guess I'm that bum and the few people involved in my life are watching it unfold. The very first thing I read was the richest man in Babylon, and man did the stories in that passage speak to me. The actual message that the author wanted to convey was that if you put away ten percent of what you earn for ten years-- you will have accumulated one years’ worth of salary. It's so simple but no one does it. You have to make your money work for you or else you'll just be a slave. My vision seems so clear now. I've finally learned patience... And man am I ready to earn my riches.

A lot happened and I'm going to do my best to get it in chronological order:

Paige, one of my oldest friends came home to visit. The thing about Paige is that she was madly in love with me and I wasn’t really comfortable with that. I enjoyed her company but I never really felt the same way so I did the only thing that a teenage boy knows to do, push them away. At the end of the day we agree that there was a butterfly effect with me not getting with her because she just ended up gravitating towards men who treated her badly. I was the only person who treated her well and she absolutely adored it. I wasn’t aware of the games that people play because I was raised so naive. I wasn’t street smart until later because of the sheltered upbringing. I chilled with a bunch of kids on the block and I didn’t know half of the shit they were saying. But that’s how I learned slowly. Anyway, I’ve always felt guilty about it so that’s where I am emotionally. I feel as if I don’t complete these tasks with people, then it’s my fault if it all fails since I didn’t put all my effort into it. It was nice-- we went to eat, and we stopped by her old house. We hung out basically every single day with my other best friend, Nieves. We just enjoyed each other’s company and did whatever we could to occupy our time when you’re in school. We ended up smoking a couple of cigarettes in front of her old house reminiscing the good times. The adult charade is pretty tough, and it was so nice catching up with an old friend. After those cigarettes I told her that that was her last one. No more smoking from her so she better enjoy them. We started walking around the block, like we used to when we walked home from middle school. At that moment I realized that my life is just work after work. I wake up, work, come home from work, I go to the gym (work), then I come home from gym and stream (work). I mean I can’t really complain about it because it’s my decision, but fuck was it nice to just bullshit and enjoy myself in that moment. I need to really take advantage of my days off if I want to make sure not to burn out. Paige ended up having a baby and moving to Kansas and she’s absolutely bored and lonely. I actually shared her my stream so she could stop by and bullshit if she doesn’t have anything to do. Twitch is nice in the sense of having a community and not being so alone. She’s going to be moving back next year so that’s something to be excited for.

UGC has become a ritual! Every Tuesday, and now it’s even Thursdays! I have integrated myself into the smaller community and I have gotten so much better at street fighter thanks to the talented people there. I’ve developed so many friendships and rivalries already. I’ve even become a senpai to this Dudley player. I will become the best Dudley in Southern California. I will try my best to perfect my technique and make my overhead the most feared in the land. I get the opportunity to play so many good players and I’ve been learning my matchups. My only problem at the moment if the fact that I don’t finish my plate in winners. I want to stop going 0-2 because I know I’m better than that. I finally ordered new parts for my stick so there is no more excuses. It’s time to go in one-hundred percent because there won’t be some malfunction holding me back.

Yvette had a party that was celebrating about five of her friend’s birthdays. Here I thought it was just going to be a kickback. Holy shit was I wrong. I went with my friend Karen to carpool since we were both going. When I show up, she ends up having my friend Tyler there from high school. Tyler went to the marines and I never really knew much about his journey besides Instagram. It is refreshing to share such experiences and learn a bit more about the countries he's been stationed at. What I learned from Tyler is that life is really a bitch, and then you die. I used to consider that my motto but damn, seeing it be so apparent kind of made me sad. Tyler and Karen actually make a really good couple. Anyway, we make it to the party and there are so many fucking people there. At least seventy people spread out through the small house and backyard. First things first: gotta play catch up. My boy Danny G was there so we took some shots. The most profound moment of the night was when I was greeted by a viewer from my stream. It felt so surreal developing a relationship with someone as a viewer to seeing them in the flesh. It's happened one other time, but I didn't really know him too well. Vapor was my party buddy for the rest of the night. I ended up eating these shrooms that Dan got me because I asked him to. Before anything else, they weren't that good. They were all stems and no caps. From my experience, when you ingest a small amount or no caps, you just get the emotional part of the shrooms trip. So I was drunk and felt very clairvoyant. I ended up doing what I always do, being nosy and saving people. I wanted to go to the bathroom and I noticed that this group was struggling with their inebriated friend. So of course I took the liberty of testing my power to help people in those situations. This guy was drinking his mundane life away. It made me really sad that he couldn't express himself any other way. The whole night he was looking for this guy and I still don’t know who it was. I attempted to get to know him! I guess you could call it fake but I actually care a lot in these moments. I give people my complete attention and make sure that they are comfortable or else they won’t listen. I want to help them, so we share a common goal. I honestly can’t remember his name but he worked at Big Lots. He kept looking at the time and I asked him but he wouldn’t share with me. He ended up telling his friend that he had work at eight in the morning so I don’t understand why he was going so damn hard. I was man handling him and I felt so good because the gym really paid off this night. At the end of the day he went away but I just kept him really close to me and we walked around and I distracted him. I even convinced him to drink water by saying it was Absolute Vodka. I said “this shit tastes like water man, try it!” His friend seemed really grateful because he didn’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t show up. I blew him off and told him don’t worry about it the first time. I sat on the couch and was waiting for his ride to show up. The second time his friend told me, “seriously I really appreciate it.” I blew him off and pushed him away. I told him you’re never going to see me again anyway man so don’t worry about it. He grabbed my hand and told me, “no, thank you!” With so much gratitude. I ended up saying, “if you really want to prove that you’re grateful, then check me out of twitch.tv/pragmag!” LMAO!~

That was the first person. The second person was David. David was spewing insanities about this girl, and kept asking everyone if she was okay. I asked if this was his girlfriend or what relation he had because he seemed to care so much. David seemed as if he was on drugs, which is what really threw me off. He seemed like me on shrooms, “shining away” as Danny G would say. So I asked him if he was anything besides being drunk. He said “nah man I’m just really turnt.” He went for a hug and he did that thing where you express yourself through this one hug, and I realized that he hasn’t really had anyone really care about him in a while. David reminded me of myself a shit-ton. He is someone who shines which basically means they radiate their personality if they don’t keep it in check. It’s someone who is the center of attention especially due to the fact that he keeps it one hundred. He said I was really attractive and asked if he could kiss me on the cheek. And man did this guy give me a sloppy one on the cheek. We ended up talking about his “girl” and I come to find out that this girl meant the world to him and she didn’t really care about him. I decided that this wasn’t going to be about taking care of him. It was going to be about telling him things he needed to hear because it will make him put things into perspective. I told him, “fuck her man, there is no point in giving yourself to someone so much when they won’t give you a second of their time.” And holy shit did this guy blow up. He wanted to hurt me! He said “no, fuck YOU. You don’t EVER talk about her like that!” And I just grabbed him and kept him in his place because I wasn’t about to body this drunk ass guy. Lmao! But at the end of the night after it all he told me thank you and it was so heartfelt. I walked him to the car but he said I don’t want to go because he never see my friends anymore. I ended up doing it again. I said life’s a bitch and growing up is even harder, but just make sure you enjoy these very rare experiences of having so many friends together in one place. I also told him to do shrooms because I think it will really help him put things into perspective and understand himself and the world a bit better.

I ended up starting to clean after that because it seemed that everyone filtered out once the DJ ended. I guess I just like doing things for people? I mean I’ve realized that I don’t really care if I’m appreciated or not because I do it selfishly. I know how much work I put into things that I don’t really need validation from others. Fuck I’m a sad mother fucker. It helps me though, because it gives me purpose when I do things that people will never realize or appreciate. Even if it is selfish I also do it because it makes their days a little bit better. Even after all the positive vibes I still got my shit stolen. I got my lighter stolen and my portable speaker. I’ve realized my destiny and hopefully I get to the people I want to get to. Vapor and I grabbed things to make for breakfast in the morning. I think I slept like an hour. The sleeping schedule has become so mangled at this point. It’s nice to know we’re not useless Hispanic males like the rest of them.

My love for shrooms has grown unhealthy and I’ll admit it. But these damn this fungus gives me so much clarity. It’s unbelievable what I learn from the experiences given to me. And it’s a great substitute for not being able to smoke weed. Speaking of weed. Man have I been craving it like crazy. I’ve been hanging out with people who still smoke a lot and it is so hard to stick around. I feel like a fucking geek because I have to move away due to not wanting to get a second hand high. I really want to return to it. I want to continue being the free spirit that appreciates the littlest things. I’ve learned to not be so grouchy without it now because of the break, but I don’t think it will be such a big problem once I get this new job and I invest in a Whizzantor. I DEFINTELY won’t be doing it every night like I was before. But it would be nice to smoke after a hard workout or a hard day of work. Maybe even a hike enhanced by the herb. I grew so accustomed to having it, and now that I absolutely can’t have it, it really puts a number on me. Maybe it’s just a lesson for my self-discipline to strengthen

I was actually going to make this entry about the fourth of May. That is the anniversary of the beginning of my father’s decent to death. It all started when I was eleven and it seems so vivid. I was excited the day before Cinco De Mayo because I was going to bring in candy and I told everyone my mom was going to make tamales. Then all of a sudden things happened. My sister ended up coming from Arizona where she lives. It’s about a four hour trip since there isn’t much traffic. They were saying my dad went in to cardiac arrest after he went to a clinic because he wasn’t feeling well. I think the last time I saw him was a couple of years prior to this due to his vision suffering and making the hour trip to come see us wasn’t the best idea. I used to look forward to seeing him because he would give me money. Fuck I will never forget or forgive myself for being so fucking narrow-minded. I threw it all away because I waited until it was too late. I mean it wasn’t really my fault since I was young and I didn’t know any better, but if I could go back, I would do things so differently. That’s the main thing I learned from this whole ordeal. Don’t wait for things to come because you might not get the opportunities. What ended up happening was that they resuscitated him thirty minutes after he died so that obviously came along with brain damage. He was in a coma when we got down there to see him and when we got there, my sisters and I had to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him if he was to go into cardiac arrest again because it was the second time already. My older sister was making the decision since she was the oldest but my middle sibling has always been the most logical. We decided to resuscitate because we wanted to see our father obviously, but that was only the beginning. He ended up waking up a couple of days later and he would just look around with a vacant gaze. I’m still not entirely sure about everything that went down but this is just my interpretation. Every other day we would go down below to Whittier, which was a two hour drive to go see him. My mom felt guilty, she left him and there was nothing she could do to give back besides be there now. My sister hated it, and I hated it. I grew up in a fucking convalescent home because of someone’s guilty conscience. Then there was my sister, she hated my dad for reasons between him and her. So she was always headstrong about being difficult. Then my older sister, she just loved my dad and wanted to help however she could whenever she was out here since it was so difficult. So whenever she was out here we would travel to go see him. My dad was a strange case. He had brain functionality and he would even sing still and carry conversations for a bit, but they drugged him up constantly because he grew restless laying down every day of his remaining life. I would see a glimpse of my father whenever he wasn’t drugged up and it was so nice, then it would be torn away when it all kicked in and he would just scream obscenities. I wish I was older when this all went down. I believe we could’ve helped him walk again but I just sat there… I couldn’t get past the feeling of helplessness and the fact that I was displeased with being there instead of being home with my friends or doing anything else but be there at Shea. All of the staff saw me grow up. I had so much animosity towards them because they treated every patient there horridly. My dad would always have random bruises, lack of changing his diaper, or not showering him. It was fucking disgusting that people could treat another human being like trash just because they felt like it. I’m sure they wouldn’t have fed him either if it wasn’t for the feeding tube. There were compassionate nurses far in between there that I loved seeing when I got older because I got to thank them personally for actually giving a shit. I saw residents that I developed semi-acquaintances with passing throughout the years. They always smiled when they saw me because I was a different face and I would smile no matter how I felt. So many negative emotions came from that fucking place and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done. I used to get so excited when I received news that my father got sick because I thought he would pass and it would all be over. But all the close calls meant nothing until nine years later. His health definitely started declining the last couple of years so we were on watch. I think it was mainly the fact that he developed so much flem in his lunges from the bronchitis. He would always yell things about seeing God and the devil and he would start to break down. I wish I knew what the fuck he was talking about since he obviously saw the other side of whatever we see when we die. It’s just a sad reminder that I didn’t do everything I could for someone who had nothing but love for me. I wasn’t even his kid and he loved me the most out of all of my siblings since I was a boy. That’s the part that breaks my heart. The bastard found solace in someone else’s father. I have decided that I’m going to have one child and then adopt one of the same age so I can return the favor and love someone unconditionally who deserves it.

I don’t think you can really go anywhere past that but forward. Here I am now, living the life I think I should be living. It’s so hard to go and go, but where else will you go if you don’t progress? That’s really the main motivator, if I don’t do this then who will. I want to do a lot of things in my lifetime and it’s going to be a huge adventure. Maybe I just need to be honest with myself? (Lmao. Fuck you Moolkey) I’m going to start posting my month’s calendar from when I make it to the ending, which should have yielded more events and inserts. Calender ----->http://puu.sh/hwLWP/34aa1f9550.jpg <---- Calendar

Quick side notes. I’m going to see my favorite band, Little Dragon, on the sixteenth! I’m going to eat shrooms because I know it’ll be a hell of an experience. I waited to buy the ticket and now I get to sit in the pit in front of the stage so I’m so incredibly stoked!

I made a goal to get out of my current job by the end of this month and if things don’t end up working with Sygma I’m going to try to work for Coke now that Alfonso has told me about it. So either way, things will be changing.

Potential

The hardest part is starting, once you get started you don’t falter so easily. I guess that’s why no one does the things they have to do. It’s like a cloud hanging over, as if it’s a reminder haunting you. Constantly on your mind—I’m going to do it, I’m going to finish these things I said I would do. I don’t know what it means to have potential. I don’t know what it means to achieve great things. I know nothing, and I’m finally accepting this being part of adolescence. I suppose I just want to ramble right now. I always feel so emotional when I sit down to write these; could it be that I actually save how I feel to truly express myself in these? I don’t really care if anyone reads these but it’s so damn good for me. I attempt to articulate everything better and better every entry, and I can honestly say I do improve. I think that’s all I have, improvement, and that’s truly what keeps me going. I love seeing results. I love when things grow-- progressive change is the best change. Maybe it’s because abrupt change seems artificial. Everyone wants quick and easy results, but from what I’ve learned it’s from countless hours of work and dedication. Life is going to change so fast and I think I’m finally ready.

The most profound thing this week was the fact that I came back into contact with my friend Daniel Hong. I chose to step away from him because whenever I hung out with him I would go out to eat or just spend money to go somewhere instead of actually just spending time with a friend. But man, I have to say, he has grown up a lot. Everyone has advanced so far in the time that I took for myself. We are currently gym partners now and I hope to grow very strong with his help. His current partner is going to be leaving soon so it’s actually perfect timing. He wants to do many great things and once again, the only thing stopping us right now is our age and experience. Good ideas pave the way for strong foundations. He actually is in a race with two of his other friends to see who will make a million first, and it really makes me happy to see that I have such bright young men to compare progress. I’m going to be the first one, I plan on retiring by the age of thirty. I believe the most satisfying thing will be showing everyone that anything is possible.

I spoke to my boss about the interview I got arranged and it was great. I chickened out the whole week until I found the perfect opportunity to spring the talk on him. I got the words that I wanted to hear along with another, “you’ve got a lot of potential.” I think I’m getting really sick of hearing that because my mentor told me once, “it doesn’t matter how much potential a person has, because it’s what they do with it.” I shouldn’t brush off kind words from someone who doesn’t really express themselves very well but I guess I’ll write it down. I wish the best for the business, you unfortunately are your worst enemy. I hope one day that I will be as close to the family I start, and it’s inspiring that you built everything you have with your wife from the bottom. Maybe one day I’ll buy that store from the owner and actually bring out the true potential from it. Your daughter has helped me so much and I was truly blessed by networking and learning all I could from working there. It’s bittersweet but I know it will be for the better. It was the most fulfilling job I’ve been at so far knowing that I was the backbone of the store. It truly showed me that I have what it takes to run a business and keep clientele.

My family went out of town to go to my nephew’s first communion so I was alone for three days. So obvious naked living was in order. Haha! But honestly, it was so nice not being bothered, maybe it’s just a sign that I would like to live alone since I have the internet and I won’t truly be alone ever. I can cook, clean, and do everything that I really need to know to not be useless. It would even make my parents appreciate me a little more since I wouldn’t have to see them every day. I just handled business; went to the gym, went to work, made myself food (I even juiced like I said I would!), fed my dogs, streamed, and even woke up when I needed to. I guess it only took twenty years to learn what responsibility is. I suppose I really want it all now, I can support my family from another building, at least I’ll be in the same city. I know I’ll probably be here a year or less but I do think it will be time to leave soon. I’ve never said it on record, but I’m going to pay my parents mortgage by 2017.

For some reason, every time my family is out of town, my best friend Danny G is in town. We always ended up drinking and smoking and just doing hoodlum shit because we finally had a place to do it freely. This time it was different. It was Danny, Jahlil, and me and we came to my house after we got breakfast because I invited them to smoke the weed that I couldn’t smoke. It was nice, because we just got finished with going to some pyramid scheme that Jahlil joined and we just laughed about it. This fucker made us get up early and wasted an hour of our life, but it is okay because we all gotta learn some time. These are my friends that I share ideas with, concepts, what we think about this world. We spoke about Avatar, because element bending is such an awesome concept. We came to the conclusion that Danny was a fire-bender and he is transitioning into an air-bender. The symbolism is that fire-benders are kind of short-tempered and very impulsive. So the change to an air-bender means he is attempting to become calm and collected, becoming wiser in his years. Jahlil on the other hand was an air-bender who was I think was transitioning into an earth-bender. The transition for him represented becoming closer to the earth and fleshing out who his as a person. Something that I can see that has happened due to his new-found appreciation for nature and its beauty. Then they said that I wasn’t in a transitioning period anymore, because I WAS a water-bender.  I was chilling with them sober and the way I was sprawled out on my hammock really represented how I flow with things. Water is strong, solid, and bends to any situation, making it the most versatile. I like the fact that water can break boulders with enough persistence. I have come a long way and I love my brothers. We’re going to go camping to Yosemite and go to Nocturnal (a EDM rave). I can’t wait to see where we end up in only six months.

The gym has already become integrated in my life. It’s such a good place, everyone there is there for a reason. Some do come to socialize unfortunately but it’s not too bad since they probably burn some calories while they’re at it.  Running on the treadmill isn’t as fulfilling as running out on the town with my dog but at least it keeps track of your progress and calories burned. Cardio is so good for you and I’m falling in love again. I’ve noticed that the people in the water areas seem the most open. Could it be that the people with the least clothing are the most comfortable and willing to open up? I’ve fallen in love with the steam room, it really lets me meditate and center myself. Interesting how I’ve found comfort in my freezer and then transitioned to the complete opposite. I enjoy breathing in the vapor from my nose as if I’m taking a hit. Maybe that’s why I enjoy it so much, possibly being a replacement for my drug habit. I am getting so strong already and I can already notice the gains since I started lifting pretty heavy thanks to Daniel. One problem is that due to not smoking anymore, I find it really hard to get an appetite and I’m not making the calories I have to make now. I’m under most of the days so I have to catch up with huge portions the next day.

I know I probably shouldn’t be writing about you even more but I want to express it. Every month seems to be a new experience and obstacle I have to overcome to strengthen us. I do have to mention that you’re getting so fucking good at Street Fighter. I also have to thank you for helping me gain confidence at UGC. Knowing someone was looking at the brackets to see me progress and sending me matchup-videos really meant the world to me. I think winning my first match and seeing that you messaged me about winning already was the highlight of my night. It made me become incredibly inflated in the head that I actually  was incredibly confident against Velociraptor. Hopefully playing with you will become easier with GTA because it’ll be a lot more fun and bullshitting unlike the other games since there isn’t a real goal. I feel as though you want me to pull harder and I’m not doing it because I want to play it correctly. I want to make you a priority but I’m not sure where to go with it. I’m just really glad we had that talk though, because it really put things into perspective. A little communication from both sides goes a very long way. Also, Imagine writing to you twice in one sitting. I’m just so full of it. ResidentSleeper

I bought a drug test to make sure I would be clean if they sprung one on me abruptly. I absolutely freaked out because I took it the day of the second interview and failed it. Going into it, I told Meeks and my mom because I have to express myself for things to be alright. So going about it positively—I went into the second interview. It was a waste of time because I didn’t meet with Mike, the head honcho of the building, but at least I got to do the interview again with my future supervisor. I just went over my skills that would translate to my job and shared about myself. I always said that if you get me an interview, that I would get the job ez. This time I felt a bit nervous but I articulated myself fairly well. Although, I noticed I used like and uhm as a place holder in the beginning. Sam is a great guy and I think he will make sure I get a position due to the fact that he’s the main person behind the hiring process (being the Human Resources manager and all.) Dressing up in suits really makes me feel like I belong there, mainly because I look really sharp in them and I know my political career will consist of wearing the monkey suit on a daily basis.  The funny part about failing the drug test is that I read the instructions and the reality was you don’t fail it even if one of the lines isn’t highlighted all the way. Feels good to be an idiot… Every day is a learning experience.

My parents are dumb as fuck. I had an exchange with them today that really made me rethink everything about them. I’m not really being irresponsible anymore, but I don’t really know what the problem is. I thought being on the insurance and actually using the car legally would get them off my back for a bit but now they feel compelled to be petty as fuck. My step-dad literally texted me, “maybe you should’ve thought about that before selling your car.” I’ll put it on record. I did sell my car. I sold it because I thought it would be a good idea to get money for it before It depreciated in value by a margin. The guy I sold it to needed it a lot more than me and it was the catalyst for me to start losing weight. It was the point where I improved a lot. I even bought a good ass computer with part of the money. I still stand by it being a great decisions with the pros out-weighing the cons but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I think I plan on getting a place with someone from my friend group who is responsible. I can’t deal with them being the way that they are. I’m writing this at five in the morning so hopefully the next entry will bear better results. I’m hoping we have a talk tomorrow.

I told my mom about using drugs and that I really enjoy psychedelics.  I explained to her that it only stays in your system for a few days and they don’t really test for it anyway. Basically I try to educate her as much as possible when it comes to drugs because she’s ignorant as fuck. She shared a lot of information with me about her past and we came to the realization that drugs automatically meant irresponsibly. She didn’t need them to get by even with her really rough adolescence, so why need them now? I can respect the shit out of that but I’ve said to her that drugs helped shape who I am as a person. I would not be here thinking what I think without drugs. I definitely think I was propelled at least two-three years in wisdom because they opened my mind so much. I met so many great people and enjoyed many great experiences that wouldn’t have happened if the herb wasn’t there.

I missed follower Friday and I got a lot of flak for it. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. I feel as though I should be given some slack since people feel a bit entitled for me giving my sleep up to provide the streaming experience but at the same time I DO have a schedule that I set out myself. Maybe I should adjust the schedule and make it a bit more appropriate. The only reason I didn’t get up was the fact that I went to bed fairly late the night before the interview and I got up early. And then after that I worked, THEN hit the gym really hard. I was just plain out exhausted and my body didn’t want to move because I was getting the well needed recovery that I needed. There isn’t much you can do about mistakes that have been made already besides try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s the second follower Friday that I’ve missed and it’s hopefully the last unexpected one. I’m going to stream Sunday as a follower day so people can get their games in. A man of the people I call myself, man have I got a ways to go.

A lot of funny stuff happened this Saturday night. I kissed my first guy of the night. It was Daniel Hong, we went to a friends and drank a ridiculous amount to play catch-up with the belligerent people there. As you all know, I am an incredibly confident and comfortable person. Sexual orientation has been a hot topic in my stream and within friends lately. So I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to put my money where my mouth is I told him just get it done and stop being a bitch, because at the end of the day I love women so me kissing you won’t mean much really. Maybe it’s just due to me enjoying people’s reactions to the things that I do. It’s not really validation but it’s kind of like an exhibitionist. It was such a petty thing. I think I am going to explore my sexuality a bit more and see to what limit I feel comfortable with. People at the gym think I’m gay because I carry around a pink blender-ball flask. Imagine colors representing anything in 2015 l m a o.

Daniel and I had a very good night. He came over and experienced what it’s like for me streaming. He’s starting to vlog our progress at the gym, which I love because in three months it will show such huge amounts of progress because we’ve been going hard as fuck. Today we did a “total body massacre” as we called it since we missed a lot of days this week. He’s really going to push me to my limits and that is truly the best thing I can ask for in a work-out partner. We spoke business ideas too, finally I get to spit some of this wisdom that I’ve learned this past year. Let’s fucking do this Daniel. Getting our bodies and wallets SWOLE!

I guess what I learned these weeks is:

Interactions are always important and that you should always attempt to make a persons’ day just a little bit better. It might just brighten their shitty night/day and motivate them to make a change in their life. Words are incredibly powerful.